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The Gift of Fear [Mass Market Paperback]

Gavin de Becker
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (719 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 11, 1998
True fear is a gift.
Unwarranted fear is a curse.
Learn how to tell the difference.

A date won't take "no" for an answer. The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling. A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help. The threat of violence surrounds us every day. But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust—and act on—our gut instincts.

In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger—before it's too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including...how to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being stalked...how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more. Learn to spot the danger signals others miss. It might just save your life.

Frequently Bought Together

The Gift of Fear + Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) + Fight Like a Girl...and Win: Defense Decisions for Women
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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Each hour, 75 women are raped in the United States, and every few seconds, a woman is beaten. Each day, 400 Americans suffer shooting injuries, and another 1,100 face criminals armed with guns. Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening. The case studies are gripping and suspenseful, and include tactics for dealing with similar situations.

People don't just "snap" and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. "There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil." Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. --Joan Price


A Q&A with Gavin de Becker

Question: In today’s world, where terror and tragedy seem omnipresent, the fear of violence never seems more heightened. Is the world a more violent place than it ever has been?

Gavin de Becker : Your question contains much of the answer: today’s world, "where terror and tragedy seem omnipresent..." The key word is "seem." When TV news coverage presents so much on these topics, it elevates the perception of terrorism and tragedy way beyond the reality. In every major city, TV news creates forty hours of original production every day, most of it composed and presented to get our attention with fear. Hence an incident on an airplane in which a man fails to do any damage is treated as if the make-shift bomb actually exploded. It didn’t. Imagine having a near miss in your car, avoiding what would have been a serious collision--and then talking about every hour for months after the fact. Welcome to TV news.

To the second part of your question, No, the world is not a more violent place than it has ever been, however we live as if it were. The U.S. is the most powerful nation in world history--and also the most afraid.

Question: You were just on the Oprah show discussing spousal homicide--can you talk about the show, and whether spousal homicide is a growing epidemic?

Gavin de Becker: Through two shows Oprah dedicated to the topic, we’re conveying a great deal of new information, and most of all, Oprah’s announcement that a MOSAIC assessment system developed by my firm will be made available to any person who wants to use it, at no cost, via her website. This will allow anyone to diagnose a relationship to determine if it has the combination of factors most associated with escalated violence, and spousal homicide. Is spousal homicide increasing? It is not; however, the reality is more disturbing than an increase: Spousal homicide has remained a constant in our lives, such that every four hours at least one woman is killed in America by a husband or boyfriend. That uninterrupted and sad statistic can be interrupted and changed--because as explored in The Gift of Fear, spousal homicide is the single most preventable serious crime in America--largely owing to that fact that it always occurs after many warning signs, and after several people are aware of the risk.

Question: Your bestselling book The Gift of Fear gives many examples to help readers recognize what you call pre-incident indicators (PINS) of violence. What role does intuition play in recognizing these signals?

Gavin de Becker: Like every creature on earth, we have an extraordinary defense resource: We don’t have the sharpest claws and strongest jaws--but we do have the biggest brains, and intuition is the most impressive process of these brains. It might be hard to accept its importance because intuition is often described as emotional, unreasonable, or inexplicable. Husbands chide their wives about "feminine intuition" and don’t take it seriously. If intuition is used by a woman to explain some choice she made or a concern she can’t let go of, men roll their eyes and write it off. We much prefer logic, the grounded, explainable, unemotional thought process that ends in a supportable conclusion. In fact, Americans worship logic, even when it’s wrong, and deny intuition, even when it’s right. Men, of course, have their own version of intuition, not so light and inconsequential, they tell themselves, as that feminine stuff. Theirs is more viscerally named a "gut feeling," but whatever name we use, it isn’t just a feeling. It is a process more extraordinary and ultimately more logical in the natural order than the most fantastic computer calculation. It is our most complex cognitive process and, at the same time, the simplest.

Intuition connects us to the natural world and to our nature. It carries us to predictions we will later marvel at. "Somehow I knew," we will say about the chance meeting we predicted, or about the unexpected phone call from a distant friend, or the unlikely turnaround in someone’s behavior, or about the violence we steered clear of, or, too often, the violence we elected not to steer clear of. The Gift of Fear offers strategies that help us recognize the signals of intuition--and helps us avoid denial, which is the enemy of safety.

Question: Your latest book, Just 2 Seconds, has been called a "masterpiece" of analysis on the art of preventing assassination. It contains an entire compendium of attacks on protected persons across the globe. What motivated you to put together such a definitive reference? What tenets can be applied to one’s everyday life?

Gavin de Becker: Most of all, we wrote the book we needed. My co-authors and I had long looked for an extensive collection of attack summaries from which important new insights could be harvested. Unable to find it, we committed to do the work ourselves, eventually collecting more than 1400 cases to analyze. Many new insights and concepts emerged from the study, and the one most applicable to day to day life, even for people who are not living with unusual risks, is to be in the present; pre-sent, as it were. Now is the only time anything ever happens--now is where the action is. All focus on anything outside the Now (the past, memory, the future, fantasy) detracts focus from what’s actually happening in your environment. Human being have the capacity to look right at something and not see it, and in studying such a crisp event--the few seconds during which assassinations have occurred--Just 2 Seconds aims to enhance the reader’s ability to see the value of the present moment.

(Photo © Avery Helm)


--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

De Becker, the CEO of a firm that attempts to predict and prevent violence against individuals, shares his informed insights on enhancing personal safety. He believes that violence is part of the human condition and that America is increasingly a violent place. For example, homicide is now the leading cause of death for women in the workplace. De Becker posits that intuition is our most basic and reliable survival skill. When it produces fear?as distinct from worry or anxiety?we should pay attention. Mixing theory with case histories, he discusses stranger-to-stranger crime, obsessive admirers, employee rampages, and spousal crime, as well as the more esoteric categories of celebrity stalkers and assassins. Having suffered an abusive childhood himself, de Becker has a special empathy for victims and an acute awareness of the signs of criminal intent. A valuable contribution on a timely topic, this is recommended for public libraries.
-Gregor A. Preston, formerly with Univ. of California Lib., Davis
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Mass Market Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Dell (May 11, 1998)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0440226198
  • ISBN-13: 978-0440226192
  • Product Dimensions: 4.5 x 1.1 x 7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (719 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #7,363 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Gavin de Becker is a three-time presidential appointee whose pioneering work has changed the way our government evaluates threats to our nation's highest officials. His firm advises many of the world's most prominent media figures, corporations, and law enforcement agencies on predicting violence, and it also serves regular citizens who are victims of domestic abuse and stalking. De Becker has advised the prosecution on major cases, including the O.J. Simpson murder trial. He has testified before many legislative bodies and has successfully proposed new laws to help manage violence.

Amazon Author Rankbeta 

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#71 in Books > Self-Help
#71 in Books > Self-Help

Customer Reviews

This book was a very easy read....interesting and informative. Angela, Michigan  |  146 reviewers made a similar statement
Since that first reading, I have re-read the book each year. Shelley Ferner  |  78 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
369 of 378 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A book that dispells crime prevention myths September 11, 1999
Format:Mass Market Paperback
Few crime prevention experts emphasize intuition. Instead, they talk about staying alert to crime. Sometimes crime prevention experts generate more fear than they alleviate.

Gavin deBecker, on the other hand, makes intuition and freedom from fear the focus of his philosophy. Instead of imagining the bad things that could happen, he says, live without worry of crime.

He also says to stop watching the news. It only generates needless worry and gives one a distorted view of the world. I have been teaching these same concepts for years as a black belt in karate, so it was refreshing to read them from someone else. I avoid newspapers and TV news--it only darkens our view of the world. It only makes crime seem worse. Give up news for two weeks and notice how your outlook improves.

As a teacher of women's self-defense, I've heard many stories of intuition. Some people call it the "back ground music," because it is like the music that plays in a movie before something bad happens.

As deBecker writes, act upon your survival signals (run, search your house in the middle of the night, stay away from an individual, etc.), even if you feel foolish doing so.

Shed the fears in your life, because fear clouds the survival signals. Those who live in fear of crime are already victims.

Some of the book is difficult to read, such as chapters on child abuse. But the book is still worth it. Buy copies for yourself and friends. If you spend time worrying about crime, this book could change your life.

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238 of 252 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars The Gift Is Within You February 11, 2004
Format:Mass Market Paperback
When a young relative of mine was vacationing, a stranger grabbed her by the arm and said, "Come with me or I'll kill you." She reacted instinctively and broke free, and as she ran she expected to be shot at any second. But she made it to safety and provided the cops with a good description.

One year later and 100 miles from where that happened, another little girl was grabbed by a stranger, who said something to her--this was captured on videotape. The frightened child, instead of fleeing, cooperated. She was later murdered by her abductor.

I think most of us fall into that second category, because we don't listen to the instinct to run, or to fight, or to (best of all) avoid those situations in the first place. We've been trained to suppress those very instincts that exist to preserve our lives.

What deBecker's book so expertly does is re-train us to listen to our intuition, to scope out our environment and everyone in it, and to read the danger signs we would otherwise prefer to ignore.

Panic and anxiety are not useful emotions; fear is different. Fear is what compels us to take action if there is a clear and present danger; it's what allows us to see what's happening and respond appropriately. It's an emotion that should be nurtured instead of conquered. We don't want our kids to grow up afraid of the boogeyman, scared to go out of their homes or try new things or meet new people. De becker teaches us that, instead, if we develop and learn to trust our intuition, we can free ourselves from that trap, just as we can react positively if we are ever in a position that requires immediate escape.

He shows, with examples and self-reflective exercises, what to ask yourself, and what to do, if you have a "gut feeling" that tells you something is wrong.

Parents, children and women especially need this skill.

It's great to learn self-defense, to build your confidence in what you can physically do to protect yourself. But that ability is enhanced by the lessons in this book. And sometimes, being a black-belt is irrelevent to dangers that are out there.

DeBecker's best lessons are learning how to listen to yourself, how to interpret warning signs from dangerous people, and teaching us how to predict behavior. You don't have to be "surprised" by someone's crazy or hostile actions if you can see them coming and cut them off at the pass. He points out that every time we get behind the wheel of a car, we're predicting what every other driver on the road will do. All we have to learn is how to apply that knowledge to a boyfriend who won't take no for an answer, a neighbor who takes a creepy interest in our kid, or a job applicant who is a little too persistent.

DeBecker says some things that will rub people the wrong way--such as, for battered partners: the first time it happens, you're a victim and the second time, you're a volunteer. But that's actually true. If you KNOW what this person is going to do, and you choose to stay in the relationship in spite of this information, then you have to own the consequences.

The appendices are useful and the reading list is also a good resource, but the IMPACT self-defense classes deBecker recommends are not available everywhere. I wish the book gave a little more information about choosing a self-defense course if IMPACT is not in the area.
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96 of 99 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Better than the book June 3, 2006
Format:Audio CD|Amazon Verified Purchase
I found this 2 tape set, narrated by the author, to be superior in many respects to the longer book. First, given the limited time available, the points made about crime avoidance are reduced to their essential elements. Second, the author is a convincing narrator, who brings passion and the abhorence of violent crime to his subject. In particular, the author's narration of the crime described in the opening pages of the book, and the victim's instinctive reliance on the "gift of fear" which saves her life, is riveting. While the book is worthy of a careful read, the taped version is an excellent condensation. Buy it, if not for yourself, for your sons, daughters, cousins, nieces, and nephews.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Info I need to know
I was so glad I took the time to read this book. It was recommended to me and I uncharacteristically decided to read it (I find it hard to read in depth, on my own time, about... Read more
Published 1 day ago by smallsizes
5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating read
All the ins and outs of staying safe in a sometimes unsafe world. I especially liked the part about learning that constant fear isn't fear but irrational worry. Read more
Published 2 days ago by BP
5.0 out of 5 stars Practical and eye-opening
Wow. I am so glad I took the time to read and absorb all the info in this book! As a woman, I found his insights to be very practical and timely. Read more
Published 6 days ago by noirgurl
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read for all young women
I wish I had read this earlier. When I went off to college, I was so naive and trusting that I often put myself in dangerous situations simply because I was uncomfortable being... Read more
Published 6 days ago by Rachel C Hodgetts
5.0 out of 5 stars Definitely a MUST READ
This book is an incredible insight on how and why instincts operate. It also talks about how we've trained ourselves to ignore those instincts and how predators use that to their... Read more
Published 8 days ago by Rhode Island Reader
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book!
Helps you get in touch with your instincts, listen to them and trust them instead of overriding them. Read more
Published 9 days ago by Arele
5.0 out of 5 stars Teaching Tool Possiblities for Middle/Highschool
The author, Gavin de Becker has turned his intuitive, practical experience with fear as a boy into something that the rest of us can use. Read more
Published 11 days ago by kazoo
3.0 out of 5 stars Recommended
Recommended to me. A female to female necessity on information on domestic abuse and abusiive persons and much insight. Read more
Published 13 days ago by Jilana Windsor
5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read
It's one of the first books I read on self defense and it still stands as one of the best.
Published 13 days ago by C. J. Sullivan
5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman should read this book!
The Gift Of Fear is an empowering read! The author knows his stuff and tells us the TRUTH about fear and how it works. Highly recommended!
Published 16 days ago by Brita E Hammit
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Gift of Tripe
Paul markel, I respectfully disagree. I learned a lot from this book. The most important messages in the book (as I read it anyway) were to trust your own instincts in order to prepare to take care of any dangerous situation which may arise, and to always be mindful of context. There is some... Read more
Feb 22, 2013 by Valois |  See all 2 posts
violence in school
Surviving a School Shooting does a better job: http://www.amazon.com/SURVIVING-SCHOOL-SHOOTING-Teachers-Students/dp/1581606591/ref=cm_cr-mr-title. It doesn't just hint around the situation but actually promulgates action plans to do something about it...
Oct 31, 2008 by L. A. Kane |  See all 3 posts
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