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The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star [Hardcover]

Nikki Sixx , Ian Gittins
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (549 customer reviews)


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Book Description

September 18, 2007
In one of the most unique memoirs of addiction ever published, Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx shares mesmerizing diary entries from the year he spiraled out of control in a haze of heroin and cocaine, presented alongside riveting commentary from people who were there at the time, and from Nikki himself. When Motley Crue was at the height of its fame, there wasn't any drug Nikki Sixx wouldn't do. He spent days - sometimes alone, sometimes with other addicts, friends, and lovers - in a coke and heroin-fueled daze. The highs were high, and Nikki's journal entries reveal some euphoria and joy. But the lows were lower, often ending with Nikki in his closet, surrounded by drug paraphernalia and wrapped in paranoid delusions. Here, Nikki shares those diary entries - some poetic, some scatterbrained, some bizarre - and reflects on that time. Joining him are Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick Mars, Slash, Rick Nielsen, Bob Rock, and a host of ex-managers, ex-lovers, and more. Brutally honest, utterly riveting, and shockingly moving, The Heroin Diaries follows Nikki during the year he plunged to rock bottom - and his courageous decision to pick himself up and start living again.


Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Born Frank Feranna, Nikki Sixx grew up in Seattle and moved to Los Angeles at the age of seventeen. There, in 1981, he became the bassist for M?tley Cr?e, the legendary rock band he started with friend Tommy Lee. Today he is a family man with many projects on the side, including songwriting, film, a new band, a clothing line, as well as ongoing work with the Cr?e.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Van Nuys, 7:30 p.m.

Merry Christmas.

Well, that's what people say at Christmas, right? Except normally they have somebody to say it to. They have their friends and family all around them. They haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.

They're not out of their minds and writing in a diary and they're not watching their holiday spirit coagulating in a spoon. I didn't speak to a single person today...I thought of calling Bob Timmons, but why should I ruin his Christmas?

I guess I've decided to start another diary this time for a few different reasons...

1. I have no friends left.

2. So I can read back and remember what I did the day before.

3. So if I die, at least I leave a paper trail of my life (nice lil suicide note).

Merry Christmas...it's just you and me, diary. Welcome to my life.

BOB TIMMONS: By Christmas 1986, Nikki had been addicted to heroin and cocaine for at least a year, possibly longer. As a drug counselor, I first met Nikki when Mötley Crüe's manager, Doc McGhee, called me in to work with the band's singer, Vince Neil. Nikki was initially very hostile to me; he tried to get me barred from going backstage or being around them.

Nikki and I slowly formed a relationship, and early in 1986 he asked me for help with his own addictions. I advised him to go into a rehab center but he refused and said he didn't need to. He was very stubborn on that issue.

Over the years I have worked with platinum-selling artists from the Rolling Stones to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and all points in between, and let me make one thing clear from the start-Mötley Crüe, more than anybody, wrote the book for decadence and partying. In that area they were the most extreme people I ever met, and Nikki was the most extreme of all. For many years, Nikki had one motto: I'm going to do exactly what I want to do, and fuck everybody else.

Van Nuys, 2:10 a.m.

Jason came over again today. I was touched...so there is a Santa Claus, after all. He came mooching in, with his greasy James Dean hair and his junkie eyes that are sunk so deep in his elongated face that he looks like he's wearing makeup, and he stood by the tree and asked me how my Christmas had been. Like he cares...like he doesn't know already that it was exactly the same as his. Sometimes Jason pisses me off when he tries to make small talk. He asked me how much gear I wanted, and I asked, how much have you got? And he gave me this contemptuous, sneering look and said, that must be nice...

His Betty Page-wannabe Goth girlfriend Anastasia isn't much better. Oh, she's nice enuff, but I know on the inside I'm just her meal ticket to an easier, softer life. I know she tells Jason to jump when I call because she, more than he, wants the money. Not just for the junk, they make enuff off me to maintain their cheap little habits, but she likes to decorate their little one-room rat's nest with the extra money they have left over. That's the real reason she demands he comes at my beck and call...she likes that extra cash for thrift shops and secondhand stores.

I see her as a sorta Suzie Homemaker from Hell, but it's all just a fantasy-she's stuck with a habit too...

NIKKI: My dealer Jason and I had a real love-hate relationship. I loved him because I could pick up the phone and he'd be over in twenty minutes with everything I needed. I hated him because it was killing me. He loved me because I gave him hundreds (sometimes thousands) of dollars on a daily basis. He hated me because I was a spoiled millionaire rock star who could have anything I wanted whenever I wanted it, and usually did.

I used to ride a Honda Shadow motorcycle around the Valleys with my shirt off, totally out of my mind. One time Jason started talking about Harleys and how much he loved them. Tommy had one, so the next day I just went out and bought one and rode it to Jason's house to score. He was furious: it was his dream bike, he'd shown me a picture of it and I'd bought it. He thought I was such a spoiled brat.

Jason was as fucked on heroin as me. He was a tall, skinny guy who in another life could have been a model, or something, but he really just came off looking like a corpse. That was the real reason he hated me: we were both living for drugs, but I could afford as many as I wanted.

Van Nuys, 4:15 a.m.

The best part of freebase is before the first hit. I love that moment, right before I put the glass pipe to my lips...that moment when everything is sane, and the craving, the salivating, the excitement all feel fresh and innocent. It's like foreplay...the ache that's always better than the orgasm.

Yet as soon as I hit the pipe, within 30 seconds all hell breaks lose in my brain...and I keep on doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it, and I can't stop. Every day that I sit here and write, it's always the same. So-why? Why do I do this? I hate it...I hate it so much, but I love it even more.

The worst part of freebase is running out. But I have a new jones-speedballs of any kind. The junk just isn't enough anymore...I feel like I'm only halfway there...

TOMMY LEE: Back around Girls Girls Girls, we were starting to make shitloads of money. With money came success, power, overindulgence and experimentation. Sixx and I, in particular, took a lot of narcotics, and he would always want to push things: "Hey, how about taking these two drugs together? How about heroin and cocaine at the same time?" That period led us to this really dark fucking place. We all went to that place at various times-but Nikki seemed to like it there more than any of us.

Van Nuys, 9:40 p.m.

After I binged last night-or was it tonight-I was convinced yet again that there were people coming to get me. It was more than just shadows and voices, more than just fantasies...it was real, and I was scared to my core.

My bones were shaking...my heart was pounding...I thought I was going to explode. I'm glad I have you to talk to, to write this down...I tried to keep it all together, but then I gave in to the madness and became one with my insanity...

I always end up in the closet in my bedroom. Let me tell you about that place, my closet. It's more than a closet-it's a haven for me. It's where I keep my dope and where I keep my gun. I know when I'm in there I'm safe, at least until I get too high. I can't be out in the house-there are too many windows and I know I'm being watched. Right now it seems impossible that cops are peering in from the trees outside or people are looking at me thru the peeohole at the front door. But when the drugs kick in I can't control my mind...

Today, last night feels like a lifetime ago. But the sick thing is I could do it again tonight.

NIKKI: This was the crazy routine I had at the time. I would start out freebasing or mainlining anywhere in the house: the front room, the kitchen, the bathroom. But as soon as the coke-induced psychosis kicked in, as soon as the insanity began, I would make a beeline for my bedroom closet. That was my refuge. I would huddle in there, surrounded by my drug paraphernalia and guns, convinced that people were in the house trying to get me, or a SWAT team was outside preparing to bust me. I would be too scared to move until I came down. The only way to bring myself down quicker was heroin. Heroin would make the madness go away: it was the easy solution. It seemed to make sense at the time.

Van Nuys, 4:30 p.m.

I've been thinking about last Christmas Eve when I picked up that girl in a strip club, brought her back here on my bike, took her home the next day, then had Christmas dinner all by myself in McDonald's. I haven't made much progress I see.

Today I'm listening to Exile on Main Street, reading, laying around...tanning in the backyard, naked...today I feel like my old self. Sometimes I feel like I have two personalities. One is Nikki and one is...Sikki.

ROSS HALFIN: As a photographer I've shot Mötley Crüe many times over the years for magazines and got particularly close to Nikki. I remember the first time I ever met him in LA we got on pretty well and decided to go for a drink that night. We sat talking in a booth. Vince Neil was in another booth with a girl, arguing, and Vince suddenly stood up and punched her in the face. I asked Nikki, "Should we sort it out?" And Nikki just laughed and said, "Let them sort it out themselves."

Copyright 2007 © Nikki Sixx --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Product Details

  • Hardcover: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Pocket Books; 1 edition (September 18, 2007)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0743486285
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743486286
  • Product Dimensions: 6.5 x 1.1 x 8.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.9 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (549 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #37,664 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

He said that it was a really good book, and that I should read it, and I'm glad that I did. Lori L. Hansen  |  191 reviewers made a similar statement
Very interesting, amazing and honest book, great source of inspiration! Alice  |  87 reviewers made a similar statement
This was a great book...I couldn't put it down.... I read it in 2 days.. Francisca Orona  |  47 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
265 of 272 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Insight into the life of a shattered rockstar... September 12, 2007
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
In 1987 Motley Crue recorded Girls, Girls, Girls, toured with the then unknown Guns 'n Roses, sold out shows around the country (and world) and partied like they always had a day left to live. The previous book to tell the tale of this excess, The Dirt, felt more like a glorification of the excesses of the band, even though it addressed all the drug abuse Nikki Sixx subjected himself to, subsequent overdoses that almost killed him and reemergence towards a cleaner lifestyle. Basically, you take those chapters of The Dirt and make them their own book and you have The Heroin Diaries.

The book is set up like a diary. In fact, it is a diary: the book accounts the year (Christmas 1986 to Christmas 1987) that Nikki spiraled down a deep hole of addiction and depression and kept insanely careful track of it in a notebook. In addition to his entries (cleaned up a bit so we can understand them), Nikki includes commentary from himself as well as those who were close to him at the time (it's clear that a lot of care and work was undertaken to get all of these voices lined up to tell this story).

I'm reminded of one entry where Nikki says in passing that he had a blast at a radio interview the other night, but probably got the DJ fired. The commentary afterwards is the DJ's account of the debauchery that went down that night (and, yes, he did indeed get fired).

Nikki doesn't pull any punches and asked all of his contributors to do the same. They are brutally honest and help paint a magnificent picture of what it is like to find yourself on a speeding train charging forward into a brick wall. If you ever wanted to know what the rock and roll lifestyle was like, or what it feels like to be addicted to drugs, this is the memoir for you.

It's actually amazing to me that there could possibly have been any lucid entries. We assume of course that a number of them were cleaned up by the editor, but there are times when you are stunned at Sixx's foresight into the future of the industry (the eventual downfall of the hair metal genre by the flood of copycat bands), the future of the band (that they'd make their next record a #1 album) and even his own dim foreboding of the consequences of his lifestyle.

He talks to the diary as if it were a person, as if it were his wife and only confidant in the world during that year (and it probably was). He addresses it with things like, "I have to go to the show now, but I'll see you when I get back tonight." When he departs without an entry for several days (sometimes simply because he is sober and sane) he is always apologetic and makes jokes about how he only writes to it when he is on drugs.

The book pages are broken up with scribblings, notes that presumably came out of the original dairy (To Do lists, lost lyric ideas, notes and the like), drug abuse inspired art and photographs of the people and places addressed, as well as song lyrics from a whole career of Sixx's songwriting. There are Motley Crue songs, songs from his 58 solo album, and songs from bands Nikki has adored in his life and reflect his lifestyle then and now.

Each chapter is a month in the year, with an introduction, intermission and afterward included to set us up, take a break to reflect and plow forward into the future. The afterward in particular is interesting, because in it Sixx explains what happened in his life after that year: getting on and off the drugs, his failed marriages, his struggling band, his solo projects; everything (he calls it his Life After Death). It goes up to and beyond everything covered in The Dirt, and answers a number of niggling questions leftover from that book, like what was going on during the Girls Tour, what did some of the people mentioned in that book think about things discussed (Slash talking about his interactions with Nikki back then and his own struggling band and drug addictions), or whatever had become of certain events (like all that drama with Vanity).

I found myself taking the ups (yes, there were good days) and downs along with Nikki on his ride of drug use, paranoia, rage, attempts at detox, thrills and pitfalls of touring, women, joys of songwriting and love of music, falling off the wagon, struggling on, wondering if he was killing himself, hoping for a way out, dying and coming back to life. I found myself reading an entry, wondering a question about it, and having it answered by the commentary. I also found myself wondering if the now clean and sober Vanity, turned Evangelist, is really any less insane than she was back then. Sure the drugs are gone, but the woman seems like she has a few permanent screws loose (there's one entry where she rambles on about the devil, leaving you thinking, "huh?," and then there's Nikki's commentary under hers going "Huh?" as well: fantastic!).

The book has a message and Nikki Sixx has a hope that by writing this, that by laying his weaknesses bare for the world to see, that maybe that message can get through to people: the tunnel is dark but there is a light at the end, and even though it's probably better if you don't get into that tunnel in the first place, just because you are there doesn't mean there is no hope for you.

I'm definitely sold on this book, as I was already sold on the sountrack weeks ago. I highly recommend it to fans of the band, fans of rock and roll, people interested in learning about the dangers of excess and any open-minded and curious individuals in general. It's a good read all around.
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48 of 51 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing September 9, 2007
Format:Hardcover
I could not put this book down. I read it in one sitting. Not only is it a great read, the format of passages interspersed with lost lyrics, photos, and artwork is fantastic, and made it much more of a multi-dimensional experience than merely reading words. The words themselves tell a story that is tragic, heart-wrenching, shocking, gritty and at times sickening in their truth. This is a story of the un-glamorous disease of addiction in the glamorous world of entertainment and rock and roll. The honesty is brutal, and it left me changed. I have nothing but admiration for Nikki in his willingness to share this unflattering aspect of his life in the effort to save if only one soul. Many thanks for this gift.
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45 of 50 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars "Drugs make it better. Drugs make it worse." November 7, 2007
Format:Hardcover
Nikki Sixx has treated his fans and the memoir-consuming public to a real, live diary of a dope fiend. The Heroin Diaries recounts a dark year in the life of the Motley Crue bandleader/bassist. During 1987, the Crue was on top of the world with the Girls, Girls, Girls album release and world tour, but Nikki was hopelessly addicted to heroin (and coke, and pills, and casual sex), and living a caricature of the rock star lifestyle. (In perhaps the lowest moment of the book, he steals the girlfriend of a member of his management team. Well, he doesn't "steal" her. He meets her, wows her with his rock star style, bends her over some equipment backstage, and moves on. Without any regard for the relationship he just destroyed.)

I had some hesitations about an art-style book written in diary form, with a smattering of lyrics and ink-blot-style illustrations. I'm a huge fan of The Dirt, and at a quick glance, this appeared to be more of a vanity project. Well, don't judge a book by its cover! The Heroin Diaries does contain Nikki's insane drug-addled ramblings, but it is augmented by quotes from band members, ex-girlfriends, photographers, band management, family, and friends. These are interspersed with the rather terse diary entries to provide perspective and context for Nikki's writings. All the players are brutally honest about Nikki's (and their own) failings during the hedonistic days of Motley Crue. (I now forgive the delay of the release of this book--I'm glad the authors and editors spent the time getting these quotes on the record.) The reader is treated to an inside look at what it is like to have all the money in the world and not observe any of the limits of traditional society.

Nikki and his band shared a love/hate relationship with the drug. Nikki knew it inspired paranoia and ill health, but he craved the escape. His bandmates disliked Nikki's strung-out flakiness, but they also needed the break from Nikki's intensity, and recording sessions were more pleasant when heroin took some of the edge off. Nikki's drug dealer made a lot of money off the rock star, so he was always willing to make special deliveries or go out of his way to get back his customer when Nikki did a stint in rehab.

The Heroin Diaries is a priceless piece of rock history (Nikki loved the as-yet-undiscovered Guns N' Roses and loathed the goody-two-shoes Whitesnake with their reliably decent performances). During this time, Nikki bought out all his band's master tapes from his former record company, which was a musicians-rights coup that has hardly been rivaled in the ensuring two decades. With a gag order on the specifics, he is only able to skirt around the issue, but this is just one of many accomplishments Nikki achieved while addicted to dope. Who knows what he could have done off the stuff? The book's architecture allows Nikki to step fully into the role of dope fiend, without preachy commentary and wisdom of hindsight, while his friends, family, and band provide the context and real-world perspective on his downward spiral. Only at one point does Nikki interrupt his own writings with a note that he was obviously lying to himself and his diary about his relationship with heroin as he was about to embark on tour.

This is drug-addition, rock star style, and recovery-memoir, rock star style. It's a match made in rock n' roll heaven. I'm glad Nikki is still here with us to share his story and keep making music.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars This is what I thought
This book brings you directly into his addiction. Very graphic. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. At times I found myself thinking this can't be real. But it was.
Published 3 days ago by Jonni Kaye Davis
4.0 out of 5 stars Can't get more "inside scoop" than this...
Very interesting read. Essentially a year in the life of Nikki Sixx through his own lens in "real-time", as well as the views of those around him at the same time. Read more
Published 5 days ago by Anthony De Lucia Jr.
5.0 out of 5 stars Dark, scary, toxically rare and intriguing perspective
Nikki Sixx is on a trip through the dark side. Told by Nikki as he goes through a year of craziness / darkness / exploration of his personal demons at the height of Motley Crue's... Read more
Published 12 days ago by Thomas P. Staszak
5.0 out of 5 stars true rock n roll fashion
Loved reading every minute and was hard to put down vince is honest crazy brillant fun and drop dead georgeous
Published 14 days ago by kathy
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book
Nikki was really brave to put his personal and embarassing trials and tribulations with drugs out there. Much respect, it was a good read.
Published 18 days ago by Cody Bennett
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Christmas present
I got this for my teenage son, and he was absolutely thrilled with it, couldn't put it down and finished it in about a week. Read more
Published 23 days ago by C. DeCesare
5.0 out of 5 stars Can't believe Sixx is still alive
The book is an incredible journey, detailing Nikki Sixx's decent into his own personal hell. The journal style and additional commentary make for an easy read. Read more
Published 23 days ago by Takes one to know one.
5.0 out of 5 stars Real, inspiring and hits home
This book hit home on many points - causing me to analyze things about my life. It was honest, truthful, very well written, and definitely an inspiring read!
Published 24 days ago by Kima
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book
I love the style of this book the art work and the reading was great
The detail in in about his darkest days was spot on
I would recommend the book to anyone who is into... Read more
Published 25 days ago by liz sblendido
5.0 out of 5 stars All about Nikki
I was able to learn about Nikki`s life, and all that he went through to be the man he is today
Published 29 days ago by Tam
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Age Appropriate
For a high school? I'm not sure. The book does indeed take a cautionary stance, but it's a diary and because of that the entries themselves are written from the perspective of someone who is revelling in his own debauchery. There is a decent amount of foul language and while there isn't really... Read more
Oct 10, 2007 by T. LaPonte |  See all 10 posts
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