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The Last Testament: A Memoir [Kindle Edition]

David Javerbaum , God
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (55 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $15.00
Kindle Price: $9.73
You Save: $5.27 (35%)
Sold by: Simon and Schuster Digital Sales Inc

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Book Description

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, god has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era.

Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.

As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:

• Why he loves America

• What he listens for in a good prayer

• Which sports teams he really roots for

• Which celebrities are totally gay

Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.


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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Presented as ‘A Memoir by God,’ the book comes divided into chapters and numbered verses like the Bible, if the Bible were narrated by Mel Brooks on crack-laced manna. It’s a bawdy circus of theological vaudeville—Shadrach, Meshach and To-bed-we-go!—determined to sacrifice every sacred cow on the altar of farce.”—Ron Charles, The Washington Post

The Last Testament is billed as a message from God as transcribed by David Javerbaum, the former head writer and executive producer of ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,’ whose specialty is chutzpah. With no apparent qualms Mr. Javerbaum steps into the infinitely big shoes of the Almighty to deliver a series of pronouncements, gags, parodies of Biblical passages and even a 12-step program envisioned from God’s point of view. . . . The Last Testament is fearless . . . a recklessly funny set of gags about all things religious and quite a few things secular too.”Janet Maslin, The New York Times

“I can’t be sure, but I think the famously blasphemous Mark Twain (who once said he didn’t want to go to heaven because he hated harp music) would have chuckled his way through Javerbaum’s book. Maybe even snorted. Because it’s very funny. Offensive to some, for sure, but very funny.”—A.J. Jacobs for The Globe & Mail

“A ‘memoir’ by God [The Last Testament] does what The Daily Show does so well—it satirizes religion by both taking it seriously and not taking it seriously at all, using humor to both point out the inconsistencies of the holiest texts and to describe God’s codependent relationship with celebrities.”—Salon.com

“This book plays spin doctor for the Big Guy, in the form of a really new testament. Author David Javerbaum, formerly a writer and producer for 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,' brings that show’s arch snappiness to his task, laying out what God really had in mind . . . If you’re a churchgoer you might ask, well, isn’t this sacrilegious? In many places, decidedly so. And if the human temptation is to continually imagine God in our own image (face it, you think God agrees with your positions on abortion, taxes and political parties, don’t you?), The Last Testament does so with a vengeance, quoting a pop-culture-savvy Creator who despises Sarah Palin and holds reliably progressive social views. . . . People of faith should be glad when religious themes show up in popular discourse, even if it’s for a cheap joke. Better to be satirized than to be ignored. And, of course, the premise of 'The Daily Show' is in effect: Satire can be the best vehicle for truth.”Buffalo News

"Spit-take funny."The Jewish Daily Forward



“Oh, God . . . There are enough laughs here, not to mention a dazzling underlying knowledge of theology, to give plenty of props to Javerbaum.”Booklist (starred review)

“A blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. . . . Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations.”Publishers Weekly

“Damned comical. Amen.”Kirkus Reviews

"Absurdity reigns in The Last Testament. . . . A wickedly funny introduction to the opinions and modus operandi of God, 'King of the Universe.'"—ShelfAwareness.com

Review

“Presented as ‘A Memoir by God,’ the book comes divided into chapters and numbered verses like the Bible, if the Bible were narrated by Mel Brooks on crack-laced manna. It’s a bawdy circus of theological vaudeville—Shadrach, Meshach and To-bed-we-go!—determined to sacrifice every sacred cow on the altar of farce.”—Ron Charles, The Washington Post

The Last Testament is billed as a message from God as transcribed by David Javerbaum, the former head writer and executive producer of ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,’ whose specialty is chutzpah. With no apparent qualms Mr. Javerbaum steps into the infinitely big shoes of the Almighty to deliver a series of pronouncements, gags, parodies of Biblical passages and even a 12-step program envisioned from God’s point of view. . . . The Last Testament is fearless . . . a recklessly funny set of gags about all things religious and quite a few things secular too.”Janet Maslin, The New York Times

“I can’t be sure, but I think the famously blasphemous Mark Twain (who once said he didn’t want to go to heaven because he hated harp music) would have chuckled his way through Javerbaum’s book. Maybe even snorted. Because it’s very funny. Offensive to some, for sure, but very funny.”—A.J. Jacobs for The Globe & Mail

“A ‘memoir’ by God [The Last Testament] does what The Daily Show does so well—it satirizes religion by both taking it seriously and not taking it seriously at all, using humor to both point out the inconsistencies of the holiest texts and to describe God’s codependent relationship with celebrities.”—Salon.com

“This book plays spin doctor for the Big Guy, in the form of a really new testament. Author David Javerbaum, formerly a writer and producer for 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,' brings that show’s arch snappiness to his task, laying out what God really had in mind . . . If you’re a churchgoer you might ask, well, isn’t this sacrilegious? In many places, decidedly so. And if the human temptation is to continually imagine God in our own image (face it, you think God agrees with your positions on abortion, taxes and political parties, don’t you?), The Last Testament does so with a vengeance, quoting a pop-culture-savvy Creator who despises Sarah Palin and holds reliably progressive social views. . . . People of faith should be glad when religious themes show up in popular discourse, even if it’s for a cheap joke. Better to be satirized than to be ignored. And, of course, the premise of 'The Daily Show' is in effect: Satire can be the best vehicle for truth.”Buffalo News

“Oh, God . . . There are enough laughs here, not to mention a dazzling underlying knowledge of theology, to give plenty of props to Javerbaum.”Booklist (starred review)

“A blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. . . . Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations.”Publishers Weekly

“Damned comical. Amen.”Kirkus Reviews

"Spit-take funny."The Jewish Daily Forward



“I want every Christian I know to have a copy of this book.”—NewAtheism.Blogspot.com


Product Details

  • File Size: 26015 KB
  • Print Length: 464 pages
  • Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Rev Upd edition (November 1, 2011)
  • Sold by: Simon and Schuster Digital Sales Inc
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B004T4KXF0
  • Text-to-Speech: Not enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #188,049 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
16 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Blasphemous Blast November 10, 2012
Format:Paperback
Fans of Saturday Night Live, Monty Python, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report are going to appreciate the humor and intelligence in this riotous faux memoir supposedly written by You Know Who (not Voldemort, the original "He Who Must Not Be Named"). From relating how Adam and Eve really started out, to detailing Moses' love of weed, and onto the arguments He Who Must Not Be Named had with his son, the one whose birth is celebrated by many on December 25th, this book is pretty much guaranteed to offend any reader! The author writes about Hindu, Mormon, Muslim, and all other faiths. The biblical style of the writing is superb, and can lend itself to cruel practical jokes if applied to the unaware: "Larry, you should read page 42, line 4. It's incredible the insight this book offers!"

I'm going through a recent divorce, mortgage application stress, and regular daily stress. Yet, this book had me laughing aloud so much my endorphins were being released by the gallon (in a good way, not visibly).

I recommend this to anyone that knows how to laugh.

My favorite part: The explanation of how the laws of Kashrut were meant to be a practical joke. Especially how He Who Must Not Be Named told all of the Jewish people wandering in the desert to stay away from shellfish, and how only 4 of the insects in the world were kosher.
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24 of 31 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Too Funny! November 6, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I'm reading this book at the kitchen table over brunch and absolutly laughing out loud. I've read so many passages out loud to my husband that he made me promise to stop so he could read it. I have not read such a funny book in a long long time.

Sure it mocks the bible and religions in general, but in a way that is not at all mean natured. This is a "just gotta read"!
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I am reading this book for the third time. It's still makes me giggle. I grew up in a Pentecostal environment. Both my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are all ordained ministers who oversee the church my grandfather literally built with his own two hands, so I know a little something about the Bible. Even if your mind is closed and can not see it for what it is, ENTERTAINMENT (albeit genius), ya have to give the man props for his research.
If you found this book and read the complete title AND presumed this would be something other than imaginative fiction, then ....then ....I'm speechless!
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious and Blasphemous November 15, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Regardless of your faith, hopefully you have thick enough skin to enjoy a clever parody. God's spokesman, David Javerbaum, makes equal fun of many faiths (including my own) in this book. His humor is fantastic.

I first heard Javerbaum as a guest on the Adam Carolla podcast and thought he was a pretty funny clever guy. He wasn't necessarily plugging his book, but Carolla always promotes his guest's recent ventures and mentioned this book. It sounded interesting enough, so I picked it up. I'm very glad I did.

This is all written in the first-person from the voice of God Allmighty, the LORD our God, King of the Universe (as he puts it).

I like his viewpoint and I like the way he struggles with understandable questions and challenges man has put forth throughout the ages:

"'...if thou hast power over what hath not yet come, canst thou not unspool the future with a gentler thread; one weaving a tapestry whereby righteousness is always rewarded, and evil always punished; so that mankind may behold with perfect clarity thine infinite justice?'

'Interesting; interesting,' I said. 'Yet I think I would prefer to work in mysterious ways.'"

God chose Javerbaum well. He is the perfect mouthpiece to use as a so-called ghost writer. Javerbaum has a fantastic turn of phrase and his vocabulary is perfect for the voice of the LORD our God, King of the Universe. Luckily I read this on my Kindle where it's easy to highlight and look up unknown words in the dictionary.

The topics are thought provoking and the book moves right along (with the exception of the chapter on the book of Revelation...that one drags a little and might be better as a movie). If you're an atheist or agnostic, then this book probably doesn't hold much for you.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Hysterical! December 20, 2012
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This is by far the funniest book I've ever read! By the time God got to and "Jesus wept..." I was on the floor.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Funny, but a couple hundred pages too long December 26, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I purchased this book because I find the @TweetOfGod twitter page funny. If you have followed him on twitter, you will probably like this book, as the humor is in the same style. I enjoyed the book for the first several chapters, but by the halfway point the format started to get boring and I felt like he was trying to stretch out limited material into a full-length book.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Last Testament: A Memoir (Kindle) September 21, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I had this as the book form, but let a good friend borrow it and it is currently making it's rounds with my other friends! Great book if you don't take things to seriously. I have to say that if their is a God, he's probably a lot like this. I have it on Kindle now and it's been great. Lots of laughs!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Hysterically funny, albeit totally irreverent! September 5, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This book was suggested to me because I had purchased Neil Gaiman's, "Good Omen's", and it has been my favorite recommendation EVER! If you take your religion seriously, you probably won't care for this book. The premise is God's agent told him it had been awhile since he wrote a bestseller, so this is the result. To give you an idea of the tone, the first two sentences in the first chapter (after a hysterical forward) reads, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Yea, that takes me back." If you liked Mark Twain's "Letters from the Earth" or have read Neil Gaiman's "Good Omens," which is written from the POV of the serpent (who is called Crawly) the day after Adam and Eve were booted from the Garden of Eden, you will probably like this book, too.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Very clever! Am enjoying this-- need some laughter on these dark days!
Published 2 days ago by RealPaperBacks
5.0 out of 5 stars Really funny.
I sent this to my son. He said that it was really a funny book. He enjoy it greatly.
Published 1 month ago by Donna
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for every sky goder.
A must read for every sky goder.
Published 2 months ago by yasunori gohata
5.0 out of 5 stars If you love satire, it's a must read!
One of the funniest books I have read in a long while. "God's" grasp of the subject is truly impressive.
Published 4 months ago by Keerti
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent novel. There will be a reserved spot in ...
Excellent novel. There will be a reserved spot in Hell for David. Along with many other satyrical writers.
Published 5 months ago by robert b kimmel
5.0 out of 5 stars From a former Daily Show head writer.
Hilarious! God’s updating of the Testiments.
Published 5 months ago by borgy borgy
5.0 out of 5 stars hilarious book
I really enjoyed reading the book. As a non-believer, I felt the jokes were well delivered and in general I felt the memoir truly humanized "our lord" to the extent where... Read more
Published 7 months ago by Aldo
3.0 out of 5 stars Quite fun, but not the funiest.
Well, at first, I was excited, it pulled out several guffaws from me (even with the over abundance of "thy's", "thou's" and "-eth's", but I could't go... Read more
Published 8 months ago by L. Hernandez
5.0 out of 5 stars So Great.
Much better than the original. (Also more believable). Filled with humor and a very funny take on the beginning. Highly recommend..
Published 9 months ago by Kathleen Hewitt
4.0 out of 5 stars OK, to be clear the Author is surely Damned....
Damned funny that is. This is not the God you were taught about in Sunday School, but there does seem to be a remarkable resemblance to the one that seems to be operating today. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Michael Szeller
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