The Last Testament: A Memoir [Hardcover]

God (Author), David Javerbaum (Contributor)

Book Description

Release date: November 1, 2011

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, god has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era.

Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.

As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:

• Why he loves America

• What he listens for in a good prayer

• Which sports teams he really roots for

• Which celebrities are totally gay

Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Presented as ‘A Memoir by God,’ the book comes divided into chapters and numbered verses like the Bible, if the Bible were narrated by Mel Brooks on crack-laced manna. It’s a bawdy circus of theological vaudeville—Shadrach, Meshach and To-bed-we-go!—determined to sacrifice every sacred cow on the altar of farce.”—Ron Charles, The Washington Post

“The Last Testament is billed as a message from God as transcribed by David Javerbaum, the former head writer and executive producer of ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,’ whose specialty is chutzpah. With no apparent qualms Mr. Javerbaum steps into the infinitely big shoes of the Almighty to deliver a series of pronouncements, gags, parodies of Biblical passages and even a 12-step program envisioned from God’s point of view. . . . The Last Testament is fearless . . . a recklessly funny set of gags about all things religious and quite a few things secular too.”—Janet Maslin, The New York Times

“I can’t be sure, but I think the famously blasphemous Mark Twain (who once said he didn’t want to go to heaven because he hated harp music) would have chuckled his way through Javerbaum’s book. Maybe even snorted. Because it’s very funny. Offensive to some, for sure, but very funny.”—A.J. Jacobs for The Globe & Mail

“A ‘memoir’ by God [The Last Testament] does what The Daily Show does so well—it satirizes religion by both taking it seriously and not taking it seriously at all, using humor to both point out the inconsistencies of the holiest texts and to describe God’s codependent relationship with celebrities.”—Salon.com

“This book plays spin doctor for the Big Guy, in the form of a really new testament. Author David Javerbaum, formerly a writer and producer for 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,' brings that show’s arch snappiness to his task, laying out what God really had in mind . . . If you’re a churchgoer you might ask, well, isn’t this sacrilegious? In many places, decidedly so. And if the human temptation is to continually imagine God in our own image (face it, you think God agrees with your positions on abortion, taxes and political parties, don’t you?), The Last Testament does so with a vengeance, quoting a pop-culture-savvy Creator who despises Sarah Palin and holds reliably progressive social views. . . . People of faith should be glad when religious themes show up in popular discourse, even if it’s for a cheap joke. Better to be satirized than to be ignored. And, of course, the premise of 'The Daily Show' is in effect: Satire can be the best vehicle for truth.”—Buffalo News

"Spit-take funny."—The Jewish Daily Forward

“Oh, God . . . There are enough laughs here, not to mention a dazzling underlying knowledge of theology, to give plenty of props to Javerbaum.”—Booklist (starred review)

“A blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. . . . Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations.”—Publishers Weekly

“Damned comical. Amen.”—Kirkus Reviews

"Absurdity reigns in The Last Testament. . . . A wickedly funny introduction to the opinions and modus operandi of God, 'King of the Universe.'"—ShelfAwareness.com

About the Author

God has been grabbing headlines ever since first creating the universe. Indeed, the multi-talented deity has been involved in the development of every single thing that has ever happened, including the Crusades, plate tectonics, and Seinfeld. His previous serious works as an author, The Old Testament, The New Testament, and The Koran, have sold an impressive 5 billion copies, with the first two in particular coming to be collectively regarded as something of a bible of their field.

David Javerbaum is a former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers, America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and author of the pregnancy parody What to Expect When You’re Expected.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 400 pages
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster; First Edition edition (November 1, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1451640188
• ISBN-13: 978-1451640182
• Product Dimensions: 6.5 x 1.2 x 9.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (34 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #289,733 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #100 in Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Religion

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

73 of 82 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars That God, what a kidder! December 19, 2011

By B. Centre

Format:Hardcover

It seems whenever a book of criticism, humor or sarcasm about the bible or religion comes out those religious fanatics who are so sure they know that a god exists, and who or what this god thing is, seem to get their panties all in a twist. The astute can use the one and two star reviews these humorless defenders of the faith invariably post as an endorsement of a good read. I know I do. That said...

As any objective student of the Bible knows, the god of the old testament comes across as a hideously psychopathic thing. While religionists prefer to deny this, ask them if they'd treat their own children that way and they simply fall back and cry "Context!", which of course means nothing at all. In The Last Testament this god readily admits he's got issues. Fact is, he admits that he and his staff of angels had no second thoughts about mass murder, cruel and unusual punishments and some really bizarre laws. But "God" explains it in a way that almost makes you want to forgive him his trespasses... almost. Sort of like the way you'd forgive a riotously funny comedian for running over your cocker spaniel while making a U-turn in your driveway. Oh, he's not repentant for the wackier things he's done, just reflective. After all, no one is perfect...not even god. How do I know? Because he says so in his The Last Testament.

I found myself laughing until my eyes watered. I kept dog earing the pages with the best lines to use as excerpts to read to my wife, and to use in this review. But it got to the point where almost every page was turned in so I stopped.

Yep, seems all of those self appointed/ self-righteous religious shaman got it wrong about a whole bunch of stuff. God sets it all straight with humor, snarkiness, and pinch of sanctimoniousness (hey, if anyone is entitled to be sanctimonious it would be a god). Everything you ever wanted to ask god about creation, life outside our solar system (yes, there is...lots of it), Muhammad, Jesus (careful you don't get "that look" from Jesus), HG (AKA Holy Ghost), his angel staffers, Moses and his smarter brother Aaron, how Joshua fit the Battle of Jericho, Abraham, Adam and Steve, just about anything you ever questioned is all laid out nice and neat and goddamn funny. Oh, but not the afterlife though. He just won't go there so don't ask.

The only reason I didn't give it a 5 star rating was that I found the book a tad long toward the last fourth and the biting wit cooled down. But if you're familiar with the Bible (or think you are); are a freethinker, agnostic, atheist, moderate to liberal believer of any flavor, you'll get a kick out of this read.

On the other hand, fundamentalists, born agains, JWs, tongue talkers, snake handlers, biblical literalists, "Promise Keepers", imprecatory prayer devotees, the pope, televangelists, sellers of prayer towels, and gay-hating admirerers of Fred Phelps, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry will likely not get the same enjoyment. Fact is, they'll likely do what they have always done - not buy The Last Testament but give it one star, and rattle off a rant about blasphemy, how the author is going to hell, and then scourge themselves (or their wife or kid) as penance for even thinking about this book.

Good read, buy it.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars 2000 years was too long to wait June 6, 2012

By Emily James

Format:Hardcover

I'm so glad that God managed to get this printed before the rapture. Hilarious from start to finish, but more so at the start. The last couple of chapters were a bit of a let down compared to the others, but still well worth the read. I keep opening it to read my favourite passages to friends and family.

Broken down into chapters and verses just like the old and new testaments, God fills us in on His mistakes, our misinterpretations of His word and His concern that there may be something wrong with Him.

The parts on homosexuality (it WAS Adam and Steve!)alone are worth the read for anyone annoyed by Bible-fueled homophobia.

"Now the snake was more closeted than any animal in the Garden; literally on the downlow, for though he oft hissed his desire to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin care, and could not have looked more phallic if he'd had balls for a rattle."

I can't imagine any believers enjoying this book, but they should try.

Don't attempt to eat or drink while reading.

5 of 6 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Not only hilarious, insane! April 12, 2012

By R. Coane

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Studied, thoughtful, informed, savvy, by far the best antidote to the toxins of monotheistic religion I have ever come across.

God's `contributor,' David Javerbaum, sweeps away the arrogance of piety with wit, imagination and great sophistication. With no visceral attacks, no trace of anger, Javerbaum dispenses with incongruous myth and historical fallacy; Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris wrapped together into one bawdy vaudeville act.

Persuasive and disarming in his assault on the absurdities and contradictions of Abrahamic scripture; with charm and tickle-me-pink humor, Javerbaum brilliantly achieves what Hitchens sternly advised in a November 2010 BBC interview wth Jeremy Paxman: "Mockery of religion is one of the most essential things because to demystify supposedly 'holy text dictated by god' and show that they are man made and what you have to show [is] there [are] internal inconsistencies and absurdities. One of the beginnings of human emancipation is the ability to laugh at authority... it is an indispensable thing. People can call it blasphemy if they like, but if they call it that they have to assume there is something to be blasphemed - some divine work. Well I don't accept the premise."

A comedic epiphany. You may never know what hit you but you'll be laughing out loud from God's Prologue and the Book of Againesis to the end of Revelation. Laughter indeed proves to be the best remedy against the rigidity and bluster of fundamentalist doctrine and dogma -- Christian, Muslim or Jew.