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The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers [Paperback]

Terry Gould
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)

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Book Description

November 23, 1999
CAN OPEN EROTICISM between more than two consenting adults be considered natural sexual behaviour? Is it possible to experience sex with other partners while happily ensconced in an emotionally monogamous marriage? Didn't this type of sexual "swinging" disappear with the 1960s and '70s? What are millions of middle-class couples getting up to on the weekend? These are the questions that arose as award-winning investigative journalist Terry Gould embarked upon a journey through a thriving subculture known as "the lifestyle."

Ignored, dismissed or denigrated by the mainstream media, ordinary, married couples in the lifestyle are now getting together to openly express their erotic fantasies. Acting within strict rules of etiquette, everyday people -- social workers, physicians, school teachers -- participate in everything from sexual costume parties to multipartner sex as a form of social recreation within marriage.

Is swinging merely an invention of sexually permissive modern times? As Gould discovered, the phenomenon has roots that go back thousands of years. From prehistoric fertility rituals to Dionysian festivals, from the nineteenth-century Onieda commune to the twentieth-century social mirror of films such as Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and The Ice Storm, spouse sharing has always been a part of human sexual practice.

A deeper biological urge seems to motivate this pleasure-seeking practice, one that combines two paradoxical urges: the drive to seek long term partners for raising offspring and the equally powerful drive for sexual and genetic variety. Lifestyle couples have resolved these conflicting urges.

For the rest of us, including our law enforcement agencies, the lifestyle can appear pornographic when strobe-lit by the camera's flash. But examined in the cool light of the latest research on evolutionary and emotional roots of human sexuality, the practices of lifestylers assume a profound meaning for all. The Lifestyle gives us a controversial and unique understanding of what it means to be part of a fast-growing subculture of consenting, mainstream adults who are changing the rules of sexual behavior for pair-bonded humans. Then again, perhaps they aren't changing anything at all.

Frequently Bought Together

The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers + The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures + Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Price for all three: $47.55

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

If you thought swinging went out with the '70s, guess again. The "lifestyle" is three million strong in North America, according to Canadian journalist Gould, with crowded conventions, an anti-defamation league and thousands of Web sites. The investigative magazine reporter tells us that he initially approached the topic for his first book with the same suspicion he employs for his usual subject--the shadowy underworld of organized crime. But after spending a few years exploring America's swinging playgrounds and interviewing scores of "play couples," he now vigorously defends the lifestyle against the charges of feminists who say it's demeaning, religious leaders who say it's immoral and a press that looks down its elitist nose at the suburban phenomenon (although the author claims he has never joined in himself). Drawing examples from anthropology, biology and history, Gould repeatedly claims that lifestylers--from "soft swingers" to "fast lane couples"--are more moral than others because they don't sneak around on their spouses; they are usually middle-aged, middle-class, tax-paying professionals who are happily married, defend monogamy and more often than not believe in God. Though we get an occasional peek behind the curtain, Gould generally avoids graphic descriptions, giving us a tour of the fantasy rooms of a hard-core swinging playground only when they're empty. Despite the author's intent, in the end, the lifestyle, with its toga parties, conga lines and ice-breaking party games, comes off as more goofy than anything. Agents, Perry Goldsmith and Robert Mackwood. (May)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Kirkus Reviews

Almost everything you wanted to know about swinging sex, but were afraid to ask. As a member of the Lifestyle, Gould (How the Blind Make Love, not reviewed) brings swinging out of the closet as he argues that consenting adults should not be denigrated for engaging in private behavior that (he claims) harms no one. Through a history of the Lifestyles Organization and interviews with swingers (mostly married couples), Gould depicts a world refreshing in its sincerity, openness, and normalityin spite of such apparent contradictions as swinging Mormons or Republicans. The view that emerges of the Lifestyle is one of hedonism, but an ethical hedonism in which individual choices are respected and boundaries never crossed without permission. Although Gould describes swinging trips to such hotspots as the New Horizons club (known as the ``Disneyland of swing clubs''), we see fairly little sex throughout the book beyond discreet suggestions that some couples do indeed pair off. With this surprisingly chaste approach, Gould fails to give the whole picture to his reader; consequently, some tough questions remain. Why does the Lifestyle encourage bisexuality among women, but not among men? How do swingers explain the Lifestyle to friends, family, and co-workers, and what are the repercussions for such honesty? Gould also undercuts his message with hearsay passed off as history: for example, very little evidence supports his argument that the Lifestyle's incarnation in contemporary America descends directly from the sexual practices of WWII fighter pilots. Likewise, his defense of swinging sex based on evolutionary theory (``fight sperm wars in females!'') relies more on assertion than proof. Although the ``Blind Fondle'' contest and other aspects of the Lifestyle might not appeal to everyone, Gould humanizes a marginalized community and demonstrates that sexual expression does not automatically equate with deviance. -- Copyright ©2000, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 400 pages
  • Publisher: Vintage Canada (November 23, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 067931007X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0679310075
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.8 x 8.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #770,230 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

4.1 out of 5 stars
(14)
4.1 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
40 of 40 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Very accurate and insightful June 13, 2000
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
As a member of one of the clubs 'featured' in the book, I can confirm the accuracy, not only in a factual sense but in getting the correct 'feel' for how things work in 'the lifestyle' so many of us love. While I might quibble with some conclusions, I didn't at any time find the book to be significantly off the mark. It rings true to those of us on the inside, and you can't ask for more than that in this sort of book.

If you are a swinger, you will appreciate the history and analysis of what we do. If you are thinking about swinging, it will give you a good idea what you should expect (and what you should bring to the experience). And, if you have only a curiosity about it, this will tell you what you want to know in an unbiased, unvarnished manner.

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39 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A serious look at swinging January 9, 2000
Format:Paperback
The subject is, on the surface, swinging - sharing sexual partners. A closer look shows that the subject is the dynamics of close relationships. There is much written about the subject of relationships, so, you may ask why I think swingers have something to say? My answer is that swingers removed the taboos and discarded the 'already known facts' before examining the subject.

The book is not, I say, a definitive work. It is more of an investigation. It is far more complete, accurate, unbiased, thoughtful, and provocative than anything else I have seen on the subject. It will be quite valuable to anybody who reads it. I do not mean that whoever reads this book will see that swinging is the way to go - not at all. You don't have to be a swinger to benefit from what swingers have learned just as you don't have to be an astronomer to benefit from what astronomers know.

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50 of 55 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Not what I was looking for.... October 23, 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
As a couple contemplating the lifestyle, we were told this was the best book to read on the subject. Now, I would agree if I were interested in knowing all the historical facts regarding swinging, and if I needed a lot of facts to help me rationalize my decision and why it would not be wrong to swing. What I really wanted to know were about the emotional aspects that I could encounter, how to initiate contact with people, what to expect my first time, etc. Instead I found most of the stories with "real people" to take place at a resort, not a situation I am likely to be in. I think this book would be for somebody already involved in the lifestyle rather then somebody curious about it. It was very well written and researched, though.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars Great intro to Lifestyle
This is a good book for those that are looking to learn the difference between lifestyle and swinger. Read more
Published 3 months ago by SeaGolfer
5.0 out of 5 stars AWESOME
Loved this book and have read it a couple of times. It was an eye opener and well written. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in "The Lifestyle".
Published 12 months ago by Dennis Lester
3.0 out of 5 stars Good but wordy.
A very useful contribution to our understanding of ourselves and our sexuality. But needed editing: could be 1/3 shorter. Read it, and be surprised.
Published 20 months ago by R. A. Johnson
3.0 out of 5 stars The other side
Yes, this is a good view of the lifestyle, yet I would like to challenge Terry to see "the other" side. Read more
Published on October 25, 2006 by Terri J. Smith
5.0 out of 5 stars WOW!
If you've ever fantasized about threesomes, moresomes and swinging, this is a MUST Read Book, I think Terry did a faboulous job and as an Author myself I hope one day I can work... Read more
Published on June 17, 2005 by Suzy Bauer
2.0 out of 5 stars Not what I needed...This reads like a history book and
I was looking for more info on the emotional and psychological impact. I also didn't see enough negative information; in other words, I don't think ANY of the books I've read on... Read more
Published on December 9, 2002
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent intro to a misunderstood part of our culture
The Lifestyle is a well-written, fascinating, evenhanded look at swinging in North America today. If you've ever wondered, as I have, what makes these folks tick, this is the... Read more
Published on September 8, 2000
5.0 out of 5 stars Para los de habla hispana
Despues de leer este libro y otros, espero que muchas personas puedan hacerlo, es una libro que narra entrevistas, investigaciones serias y documenta un comportamiento sexual, que... Read more
Published on July 25, 2000 by Fernando ( fti@correoweb.com )
5.0 out of 5 stars On The Mark...A must Read
We are a mid 30's couple that have been swinging since we met two years ago. This is an outstanding analysis of sociological, historical, biological and cultural implications of... Read more
Published on July 21, 2000
5.0 out of 5 stars Real Sex
This book gives an unbiased look at sexual ethics in the Americas. It looks at the high divorce rate and suggests that swingers may have a better life than most of us. Read more
Published on March 10, 2000
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