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At a time when our culture is open to just about everything, there is one last taboo that still remains - grief upon losing a loved one. Or, as the author herself puts it, "If the condition of grief is nearly universal, its transactions are exquisitely personal.
It is one of those exquisitely personal transactions that lead me to this courageous and empathetic memoir. As I lose my own aging mother, little by little, I have entered a pre-mourning period that is often challenging for myself to navigate and others to understand.
And so I gravitated towards this courageous memoir from a woman who has steered her way those grounds and provides a sort of blueprint of what it's like to feel unmoored. Meghan O'Rourke's mother Barbara died in her early fifties; as she lay dying of cancer, Meghan became "irrevocably aware that the Person Who Loved Me Most in the World was about to be dead."
Without the rituals of long ago to guide her, with a strong fear of death that encompassed her since childhood, she "just wanted to flee the pain that lay like a fog in the house; getting away would be like turning a blank page, to a new story, a different one." The loss is so huge that she "needed to contain it somehow, to put barriers around its chaos." But like a child who has become separated from mommy, she is in disbelief that "a person was present your entire life, and then one day she disappeared and never came back."
She knows logically that her mother is no longer with her and that it's up to her and her two brothers to carry her forward in the year. Yet she remains "clueless about the rules of shelter and solace in this new world of exile." As C.S. Lewis wrote at the beginning of A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.Read more ›
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42 of 45 people found the following review helpful
I was pulled into Meghan O'Rourke's The Long Goodbye, a memoir on the loss of her mother, because I myself had recently endured the loss of my own baby daughter. You cannot compare one loss to another, but the grief that ensues is universal and relatable. Frankly, I had a hard time reading any books on grief because it made my loss all the more real.
But the plunge into O'Rourke's memoir was effortless. Following her voice, intelligent and real, while hopeful and optimistic, I became enveloped not only in her story, but into her poetic world, where events, emotions and yearnings are transferred into stunning prose. Though O'Rourke is a poet, and her poetic voice gleams through every page, she is also down-to-earth and approachable. In fact, she speaks so intimately, and with such sincerity, that after reading her memoir, I felt I had met every single one of her family members and become a trusted friend.
Her story begins with the death of her mother to colorectal cancer and her immediate reaction to this shocking reality. She is processing the event, flashbacking to her mother's healthier days and when she learns of the cancer for the first time. The narrative then climaxes to the moment when her mother is admitted to the hospital, where it is discovered that her cancer has returned after a brief remission. O'Rourke's portrayal of her mother is pitch perfect and so tangible, that I could feel how her mother moved, almost predicting her expressions and reactions. Barbara O'Rourke was a gifted woman, the headmaster of a private school, a mother of three children, a devoted wife, caretaker, lover of pets, with a passion for books, which she passed on to her children.Read more ›
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26 of 27 people found the following review helpful
First off, my mother died a few months ago, and I was definitely looking for some sort of touchstone to figure out how to begin to parse through the feelings I had. I read Motherless Daughters, and it was helpful, but I felt that it wasn't quite what I needed. What I wanted was something that wouldn't explain things, but would just be there. And O'Rourke's memoir does that. It's deeply, viscerally personal, and I think that's what makes it work. Because in hearing O'Rourke's grief, I could begin to find the words and feelings I'd been too afraid to verbalize. O'Rourke underscores the point that grief is unique--and everyone experiences it differently.
Sure, that's an elementary point, but it's one many books about grief grapple with--how do you write about something that's different for everyone? By writing a no-holds barred memoir about the period surrounding her mother's death and dying, O'Rourke portrays the grief as she felt it--and, for me, gave me a sense that if she got through it, it may not be pretty or elegant or poetic, but I'll GET THROUGH IT too.
The writing was lovely and honest, and I've found it's been a great conversation starter with friends to discuss the depths of grief.
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18 of 19 people found the following review helpful
I think I have read every book on losing a parent and none of them helped. I have been feeling like I was going crazy because I certainly felt none of the emotions the other books talked about. As soon as I began reading The Long Goodbye I felt a wave of relief because someone else went through all the same things and talked about them. I am 40 and my mom died from Ovarian cancer at 65 after a 6 1/2 year battle. My mom was my best friend. I was with her when she died; I held her hand and crawled into bed with her as she left. After 6 1/2 years I thought I had prepared myself. I had not. Not even close to the loss I currently feel. It has been three months and I just feel so lost every single moment. No other book I read talked about all the raw painful and searing emotions you go through when you lose your mom. This book does. Megan O'Rourke holds nothing back. She challenges old thoughts on grief (finally someone who looks past the so-called "5 Stages of Grief"!) and looks at how other cultures grieve and deal with loss. Anyway, I know this is somewhat muddled. I am still having great difficulty concentrating (another way she made me feel like I was normal). I absolutely recommend this book. In fact, I am going to be purchasing copies for our local Hospice library.
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