"Beautifully written and informative. Harris' eloquence is exceeded only by the compassion and insight she brings to this perplexing and formative experience."—Vamik D. Volkan, Univ. of Virginia.
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Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
More than 60 men and women who lost a parent at an early age contributed their stories to this investigation of an important life event by a practicing psychotherapist. Their stories?including accounts of some famous figures: C.S. Lewis, Virginia Woolf, Eleanor Roosevelt?shed light on a legacy of loss the author views as "the psychological Great Divide, separating the world into a permanent 'before and after.'" Whatever form the impact of this loss takes in later adult life?it can be rage, driving ambition, fear of intimacy?these life stories amply demonstrate the indelible character of the mark left on the child. These are also stories of recovery, of people who became more than survivors, testifying to the repair of damage from childhood trauma. This enlightening presentation opens up a seldom discussed topic.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
88 of 89 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I was looking through books on death and dying, when I saw this book. I ignored it, but kept feeling drawn to it. The title seemed a bit extreme, yet I kept wanting to pick it up. When I started reading, I realized that one of the people it was about was me.
If you have lost a parent as a child, please read this book. It is not a self-help book - but it leads to healing by acknowledging that the loss of a parent is a major event in the life of a child, changing that child's view of the world and affecting his or her life into adulthood. Like attending a 12 step program, and feeling instantly at home, this book opens doors to a community of like-minded souls.
Our culture used to minimize the effects the death of a parent has on a child. While adults grieved in their own healthy or unhealthy ways, children were often ignored, sent off to relatives, cut off from one-side of the family and often introduced to a new, substitute parent and expected to never talk about the parent they lost.
My own father died a sudden, fairly publicized death when I was 17 and my sister was 11. I've been painfully aware that there was one life before he died, and another one after, as clean a break as you could make cutting a thick rope with a sharp knife. But no one else - aside from therapists - seemed willing to talk about it. With children, it is important that the grieving process not be ignored or minimized, for how they process their grief will have a lasting effect on how they live their own lives.
While reading the stories in this book, I felt deeply saddened and warmly comforted. The book validated what I have known to the core of my heart for a long time. The death of a parent makes a hole that lasts forever.
Now, that hole isn't dark and deep forever. It isn't a huge pit you fall into and can't get out of, though at times it might feel like that. Instead, it is a loss, or an absence, that is always there, sometimes small, sometimes large. It can be healed, to varying degrees. But it is there, and it will not go away. Ignoring it only seems to enlarge it.
Harris' book offers the comfort of knowing that the reactions we had to our parent's death -- and still have, as we procede through life without that parent -- are not abnormal. I realized that many of the things I did that weren't so good for my life were 'normal' reactions (and thank goodness I've learned from them all).
Better yet, some of the things I've done that have seemed a little odd to others are actually healthy and quite common. For example, in my personal pages I have a web page for my father -not a grieving memorial, but a place filled with photos and memories to share with my own children, who never met him, and with other family members. In the chapter entitled "Staying in Touch," Harris tells how some of us talk with our parent, years after they've died. Other cultures have rituals to remember a lost parent. It isn't morbid -- it is a way to grieve, heal and move on without trying to erase memories that need not go away.
She tells stories of over 60 individuals, each with a very different situation. The chapters cover the grown children's struggles to grow up without one -- sometimes two -- parents; to risk loss in love and other relationships; the changed relationship with the surviving parent; issues in parenting their own children; dealing with their own mortality.
This book is not a self-help book, but a book that anyone who has lost a parent before they were 18 should be aware of and read when they are ready. It is also an excellent book for the surviving parent who wants to be aware of their own child's needs.
For me, this was an excellent and helpful book.
37 of 37 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
There is no word describing people who lost a parent at an early age -- but this book makes clear that such a loss is truly forever. This will be reassuring for some. The authro describes the multiple impacts of such a loss. In general, because a child is totally unprepared for the death of a parent, and the parent represents the whole world to the child, this loss is far more grievous than losing a parent when one is an adult. Indeed, it can be compared to the loss of an entire family or community that is only suffered by persons who are victims of genocide or war. Yet others, who do not know of this type of loss, will never understand its magnitude. The message of the book is that one can be orphaned even if just oneparent dies, because frequently the other will be devastated, or will move away.
20 of 20 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I lost my father in a car accident in 1981 when I was only 13 years old. He passed instantly at the scene in a very catastrophic auto/commercial truck pile up.
This book helped me understand that the emotional roller coaster that I had been on for years was totally normal.
My parents had me late in life when they were 42 and 43. I was extremely close to my father and in fact I completely worshiped him.
I grew up in a family that did not grieve heathily and it was difficult for me that at one moment we all (there were 4 siblings) had a wonderful father that we were all blessed to have had and the next moment he just wasn't talked about. It was like our whole family went into a shock and denial of the accident and of our loss. We still in 1998 don't talk about it much and I still miss him terribly. I have many fond memories as a child of vacations and trips that I took with my father that I will cherish forever. Thanks Maxine for such beautiful insight. I can not tell you what it has meant to me.
You, in fact have inspired me to write a book about my loss. I still think about it everyday. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the fact that I would give up everything I have, everything I am, everything I have accomplished to have him back in my life again.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Loved it! Extremely helpfull
Eventhough I did not loose my father as practically a child, I was 21, I found myself in SO many aspects and indeed gained so much understanding for where all my "crazy"-thought... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Milo2
For Those Who've Suffered a Parental Loss
The Loss that is Forever by Maxine Harris, is a book not only for adults who have suffered the loss of a parent or parents when they were children, but it is also useful for adults... Read more
Published 7 months ago by E. B.
Finally I feel a bit normal
After reading just a few chapters in this book, I feel like finally someone understands me, and I have a deeper respect for myself with the loss of my father. Read more
Published on April 17, 2010 by Carol Lombardi
My poetic throughts on the loss of my mother
MOTHER DEAR
(Oh mother dear, I miss you like never before)
Where are your warm hugs? Read more
(Oh mother dear, I miss you like never before)
Where are your warm hugs? Read more
Published on May 22, 2009 by Sonya Tupone Lloyd
Timeless source of insight
Tewnty years after the death of my father I decided it was time to start understanding some of the issues that I have had throughout the years. Read more
Published on May 8, 2009 by Niovi Bakos
seeing loss in a different light
Although i have lost siblings and a parent myself it happened when i was a adult and could handle it better. My husband lost both his mother at 12 yrs and father at 18 yrs. Read more
Published on October 24, 2008 by Tk Ventures
This book helps one with losing a parent through death or abuse
I purchased this book in the fall of 2004 for someone I loved who lost his dad at age 7. He would NOT read it. Read more
Published on August 5, 2008 by Judith Lilley
A story that parallels my own life
I was one of the people initially interviewed for the book when it was being written. After the book was published I was so deeply affected by the overall effect of all the lives... Read more
Published on January 16, 2007 by Thomas P. Cullen
Must Read
This book is a must read for anyone who has lost a parent in their childhood. I was talking about it today at my book club meeting where four out of seven us lost a parent at a... Read more
Published on January 9, 2007 by Jami S.
Gives you hope at a dark time
My 45 year old husband died suddenly of a heart attack. He was a very thin, active person who never smoked and had NO family history of heart disease. Read more
Published on October 16, 2005 by Mary E. Kooistra
Inside This Book
(learn more)
Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs):
(learn more)
early loss, profound emptiness, childhood bereavement Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Charlotte Brontė, Eleanor Roosevelt, Virginia Woolf, James Dean, Jean-Paul Sartre, Robert Lifton, Richard Rhodes, Russell Baker, Abraham Lincoln, Arthur Ashe, Grim Reaper, Alcoholics Anonymous, Lilly Briscoe, Father's Day New!
Concordance | Text Stats Browse Sample Pages:
Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
early loss, profound emptiness, childhood bereavement Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Charlotte Brontė, Eleanor Roosevelt, Virginia Woolf, James Dean, Jean-Paul Sartre, Robert Lifton, Richard Rhodes, Russell Baker, Abraham Lincoln, Arthur Ashe, Grim Reaper, Alcoholics Anonymous, Lilly Briscoe, Father's Day New!
Concordance | Text Stats Browse Sample Pages:
Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
Citations (learn more)
This book cites 100
books:
See all 100 books this book cites
8
books
cite this book:
See all 8 books citing this book
- To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf on 6 pages
- Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Life by C.S. Lewis on 6 pages
- Moments of Being: Unpublished Autobiographical Writings (Harvest/Hbj Book) by Virginia Woolf on 6 pages
- Death in Life (Harper Colophon Books) by Out Of Print on 5 pages
- The Dream Songs by John Berryman on 5 pages
See all 100 books this book cites
- Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James P. Emswiler on 4 pages
- Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge in Front Matter, page 129, and Back Matter
- A Mother Loss Workbook: Healing Exercises for Daughters by Diane Hambrook on page 109, page 126, and Back Matter
- Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women by Jonetta Rose Barras on page 61, and Back Matter
- Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women by Jonetta Rose Barras on page 61, and Back Matter
See all 8 books citing this book
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