The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God [Hardcover]

Timothy Keller (Author), Kathy Keller (Collaborator)

Book Description

Release date: November 1, 2011

Renowned pastor of New York’s Redeemer Presbyterian Church and author of the forthcoming Every Good Endeavor, Timothy Keller with his wife of 36 years, delivers The Meaning of Marriage, an extraordinarily insightful look at the keys to happiness in marriage that will inspire Christians, skeptics, singles, long-time married couples, and those about to be engaged.

Modern culture would make you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that your spouse is there to help you realize your potential; that marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now; that starting over after a divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues. All those modern-day assumptions are, in a word, wrong.

Using the Bible as his guide, coupled with insightful commentary from his wife of thirty-six years, Kathy, Timothy Keller shows that God created marriage to bring us closer to him and to bring us more joy in our lives. It is a glorious relationship that is also the most misunderstood and mysterious. With a clear-eyed understanding of the Bible, and meaningful instruction on how to have a successful marriage, The Meaning of Marriage is essential reading for anyone who wants to know God and love more deeply in this life.

Just as this book is based on his popular sermon series, so will his Encounters with Jesus series, the first of which, The Skeptical Student comes out in December.

Editorial Reviews

Review

'Fifty years from now, if evangelical Christians are widely known for their love of cities, their commitment to mercy and justice, and their love of their neighbors, Tim Keller will be remembered as a pioneer of the new urban Christians.' -- Christianity Today magazine 'Tim Keller's ministry in New York City is leading a generation of seekers and skeptics toward belief in God. I thank God for him.' -- Billy Graham --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

As the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City, Tim Keller started his congregation with a few dozen people. It now draws over five thousand weekly attendees who meet in three Manhattan locations. Redeemer has since spawned a movement of churches across America and throughout major world cities. Many pastors model their churches on Redeemer and Tim's thoughtful style of preaching. Dr. Keller lives in New York City with his wife and sons.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Dutton Adult (November 1, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0525952470
• ISBN-13: 978-0525952473
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.3 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (203 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #364 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #5 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Marriage
  • #13 in Books > Christian Books & Bibles > Christian Living
  • #79 in Books > Religion & Spirituality

More About the Author

TIMOTHY KELLER was born and raised in Pennsylvania, and educated at Bucknell University, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and Westminster Theological Seminary. He was first a pastor in Hopewell, Virginia. In 1989 he started Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan with his wife, Kathy, and their three sons. Today, Redeemer has more than five thousand regular attendees at five services, a host of daughter churches, and is planting churches in large cities throughout the world. He is the author of COUNTERFEIT GODS, THE PRODIGAL GOD, and the New York Times bestseller THE REASON FOR GOD.

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#15 in Books > Religion & Spirituality

#29 in Kindle eBooks > Religion & Spirituality

#96 in Books > Self-Help

#15 in Books > Religion & Spirituality

#29 in Kindle eBooks > Religion & Spirituality

#96 in Books > Self-Help

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

235 of 242 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Compelling Vision of Christian Marriage November 1, 2011

By David P. Craig TOP 1000 REVIEWER

Format:Hardcover

Tim Keller is the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, New York since he planted it in 1989, and the church reflects the city's demographics: approximately 80% of the people (in a church of several thousand) are single. So Keller has a lot of experience in teaching, counseling and shepherding singles in particular. This book had its roots in the early 1990's when he did a series of sermons on marriage because of the skepticism, fear, and arguments that many of the singles in attendance had toward marriage in the beginning stages of the church - and still do today. He also wrote this book to share from his own experiences with his wife Kathy of 37 years and counting. However, most importantly he wrote this book to give a compelling vision of what marriage was designed to look like from the Bible from Genesis to Revelation - from the first marriage of Adam and Eve to the last marriage of Christ and the Church.

Keller states in the introduction, "its [the books] primary goal is to give both married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible." I believe that Keller succeeds in giving a very compelling case for marriage from the three stands above - from his experience, his realistic apologetic of building a case for the benefits and values of marriage, and then giving a compelling biblical vision throughout the book for the beauty of marriage when it reflects the glory of Christ at the center of it all. He does not minimize the difficulties, or the effort and hard work involved in a marriage, but is clear-headed, and cogently eloquent in presenting the "complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God...."

Here is a sample of an excellent example he gives for submitting to the Bible as God's manual for marriage:

"Think of buying a car: If you purchase a vehicle, a machine well beyond your own ability to create, you will certainly take up the owner's manual and abide by what the designer says the car needs by way of treatment and maintenance. To ignore it would be to court disaster...Plenty of people who do not acknowledge God or the Bible, yet who are experiencing happy marriages, are largely abiding by God's intentions, whether they realize it or not. But it is far better if we are conscious of those intentions. And the place to discover them is in the writings of the Scripture."

Some of the ambivalent views and objections to marriage Keller elaborates on and dispels in this book are as follows:

"Marriage is just a piece of paper that only serves to complicate love"
"Marriage was originally about property and is now in flux"
"Marriage crushes individual identity and has been oppressive for women"
"Marriage stifles passion and is ill-fitted to psychological reality"

The Outline of Keller's book is as follows:

Chapter One - A rich and deep discussion of Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 bringing Paul's discussion into today's context and demonstrating "why the gospel helps us to understand marriage and how marriage helps us to understand the gospel."

Chapter Two - With great skill and penetrating insight Keller shows how the sin nature resulting in selfishness necessitates the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in making the saving work of Christ operative in bringing two hearts to beat as one.

Chapter Three - He helpfully shows what biblical love is - and what covenantal commitment is all about.

Chapter Four - He elaborates on the whole question of what marriage is for: "It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be...there is a kind of deeper happiness that is found on the far side of holiness."

Chapter Five - He talks about the power of truth; the power of love - via affection, friendship, and service all in the context of grace.

Chapter Six - An excellent discussion of the Trinitarian roles and how that translates into gender roles in a marriage.

Chapter Seven - On Singleness and Marriage. Here is a sample of some guidelines he gleans for singles in relationships before marriage:

"Recognize that there are seasons for not seeking marriage."
"Understand the "gift of singleness.'"
"Get more serious about seeking marriage as you get older."
"Do not allow yourself deep emotional involvement with a non-believing person."
"Feel `attraction' in the most comprehensive sense."
"Don't let things get too passionate too quickly."
"...don't become a faux spouse for someone who won't commit to you."
"Get and submit to lots of community input."

Chapter Eight - A good discussion of sex - realities and misperceptions - and the glory of it when it is practiced the way God designed it.

The book closes with a short epilogue and a short, but very helpful discussion on decision-making and gender roles.

All the chapters are very well written, have depth and penetrating insight, are logical and clear, balanced in dealing with the "then" and "now" of how the Scriptures apply and always pointing to Jesus at the center of the meaning of life and marriage. Dr. Keller knows what he's talking about and has done an outstanding job of building a great case for marriage in a culture that simply doesn't understand it and hasn't been consulting the Creator's manual and applying it in our marriages. I now have a new favorite book on marriage to recommend whole-heartedly to singles and married couples alike! Read more ›

75 of 78 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Wise and Wonderful, Profound and Practical November 10, 2011

By Fr. Charles Erlandson TOP 500 REVIEWER

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Marriage is clearly a troubled institution in American culture, and that includes even among American Christians. The problem is that so often Christians have accepted the world's definitions of marriage. While many Christian books have been written on marriage, Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" is one of the best.

What makes "The Meaning of Marriage" so excellent? At least four things. First, Keller gives a vision for marriage. His main reason for writing the book, in fact, was to give both Christians and non-Christians a vision for marriage. What is Keller's vision for marriage? Keller writes, concerning the meaning of marriage, that "It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us." More than this, Keller (in Chapter 6) relates marriage not only to "the dance of the Trinity" but also to Christ's love of the stranger (Chapter 5).

The second reason "The Meaning of Marriage" is so excellent is that Keller bases his views on the Bible. Time and again, instead of turning to what the world teaches about marriage, Keller returns to the Bible, especially Ephesians 5. While Keller begins with the Bible, he does more than just quote Scripture: he unlocks its meaning and applies it to our lives. This is what makes his teaching on writing so profound and powerful. While he doesn't cover every possible topic, he does give a theological vision for marriage that will change your marriage for the better or better prepare you for marriage in the future.

Third, in presenting a biblical view of marriage, Keller directly challenges the worldly views of marriage, including many that have infected the Church.... Among the most popular of these myths is that we should be looking for our "soul mate," in the sense of finding someone we're presently in love with. This view minimizes the importance of the hard work that goes into marital love. Keller also rightly rebukes the idea that we should not go into marriage expecting to change the other person. To the contrary, marriage is precisely for the purpose of sanctifying one another, and Keller demonstrates some of the many reasons why marriage is such a powerful means of sanctification for Christian spouses. Keller takes on many other myths as well, for example, the idea that marriage is primarily for self-fulfillment, instead of mutual sanctification and becoming one with another.

Fourth, "The Meaning of Marriage" is both readable and practical. Keller's ideas are rooted in theology but are written in a very readable prose. Most importantly, his book is eminently practical. While it's not a "How To" manual and doesn't give you every detail, he does amply illustrate and explain his major ideas on marriage. So practical is "The Meaning of Marriage" that it's applicable not only to Christian spouses but also non-Christian spouses and Christian singles. He has, for example, a chapter on a theology of singleness (Chapter 7).

There are many profound insights in the book. There was little that was new to me as a priest and as a husband who has worked every day on his marriage for 18 years. But there were still many revelations and "Aha!" moments that reminded me of what it was all about and encouraged me to love my wife to an even greater degree. As I'm writing this, she's out of town on a business trip (which she never takes). I can't wait for her to return so that I can begin immediately putting into practice some of the things Keller has taught me.

Here are some of his best insights:
1. You never marry the right person. No 2 people are compatible. For this reason, marriage takes a lot of love and work. Also, marriage profoundly changes us!
2. Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married. Keller uses this to demonstrate the power of making and keeping a vow. Promising is the key to identity and is the very essence of marital love.
3. Actions of love lead to feelings of love.
4. Marriage is a friendship, and friendship must have constancy, transparency, and a common passion, which, for Christians, should especially be Christ.
5. Each spouse should see the great thing that Jesus is doing in the life of their mate through the Word. And each spouse should then give himself of herself to be a vehicle for this work of God.
6. Your spouse IS the "someone better" you're looking for! This is true if you see him or her in terms of the glory God intends for them, a work to which you are called.

There's much, much, more, and each chapter holds its delights and wisdom for the reader. I highly recommend both "The Meaning of Marriage," as well as "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason!

Keller presents his teaching on marriage, based on a sermon series of his, in the following chapters:
1. The Secret of Marriage - how marriage and the gospel relate
2. The Power for Marriage - submitting to one another out of love
3. The Essence of Marriage - covenantal commitment
4. The Mission of Marriage - marriage and mutual sanctification
5. Loving the Stranger - the power of love (all 4 kinds)
6. Embracing the Other - man and wife as one flesh; the Trinity as a model for marriage
7. Singleness and Marriage
8. Sex and Marriage
Epilogue and Appendix (Decision Making and Gender Roles) Read more ›

78 of 83 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars The Wide Reaching Meaning of Marriage November 5, 2011

By T. Eldridge

Format:Hardcover

Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage is a wide reaching book on the topic of Marriage. Keller's focus is broad, and he says his "primary goal is to give married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible" (p12). The book is vintage Keller: The style is conversational, the insights are thoughtful and the approach is entirely Bible focused, with a particular emphasis on Keller's type of Grace focused Christianity. This is not to say that only Christians should read the book. On the contrary, Keller draws equally from personal experience, biblical exegesis and a whole variety of sources, and he states bluntly that he has spoken on marriage at "innumerable weddings", adding that "Most people who do not share our ...Christian faith are often shocked by how penetrating the Biblical perspective on marriage is and how relevant it is to their own situations" (p14). In this review I'll aim to fairly describe the contents of the book in such a manner as to give you a good idea about whether you want to read it. (This is lengthy. Consider yourself warned!).

With regards to his experience, Keller is in a unique position. He's been married for 37 years, he's counselled countless married couples, and he's been both the pastor of a small church in Virginia and now a sizeable church (many thousand) in New York City where 80% of the congregation is single and most are young. This gives Keller some fine credentials for writing a book on marriage which is valuable to both unmarrieds and marrieds, and that is in touch with various perspectives.

Keller begins chapter one by aiming a salvo at contemporary culture's view of marriage.... He bluntly says he is "tired of listening to sentimental talks on marriage", and continues with "much of what I've heard on the subject has as much depth as a Hallmark card" (p21). Keller does an admirable job of making an entirely sociological, empirically based case that marriage benefits individuals. But he also cautions against looking at marriage as a way of improving one's prospects of self fulfilment. Keller's vision of marriage is that through marriage "the mystery of the gospel is unveiled" (p48). And what does this mean? In Chapter two Keller suggests that it's all about submitting to one another, and that it is the transformative, sanctifying nature of the Holy Spirit who gives us the power to do this. He contextualises Jesus's words from Matthew as follows :"If you seek happiness more than you seek me, you will have neither; if you seek to serve me more than serve happiness, you will have both" (p59). Keller contrasts this Jesus focused, serving other approach with the results of Dana Adam Shapiro's Monogamy, where it was clear that self centeredness was "the heart of what led to marital disintegration" (p57).

In chapter three Keller argues that marriage is a covenant, and a promise of future love rather than simply a symbol of current love. He contrasts a "covenant" relationship with a "consumer" relationship. He notes that people will inevitably change throughout their lives, and thus that you will wake up one day and realise you're not married to the same person who walked down the aisle towards you. At this point, the covenantal understanding becomes crucial and you need to "do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling" (p104). The results of this will be that your attraction will be "transformed" into a humble appreciation of the other person and that your love will grow "wiser, richer, deeper and less variable" (p105). Keller argues that the view that feelings lead to action is mistaken and backwards- actions lead to feelings more reliably. This problem is compounded by the observation that feelings are fickle and we have a higher degree of control over our actions. And constantly acting to put our spouse first is necessary for a marriage that works and grows.

Chapter four is titled "The Mission of Marriage", and Keller writes about becoming "spiritual friends" and assisting each other on the journey towards holiness. The vertical nature of the relationship between God and man is contrasted with the horizontal nature of the relationships between people. Marriage is something that can more closely approximate our relationship with God than any other human relationship: "In his redemptive work, Jesus is both friend and lover, and this is to be the model for spouses in marriage" (p 119). In chapter 5, Keller gets more specific about how to "Love the stranger" (that you find yourself married to). Marriage has the power of truth- the power to show you the truth about who you are, as no other relationship can. If we allow our spouses to be honest with us, we can use this power to help transform us for the better. Marriage has the power of love, an "unmatched power" to affirm and heal (p146). But we must engage in loving acts with the right tools by being aware of our spouses love currency (or "love language) and understanding how to use those tools (p 149-161). But there's a conflict- we must use the powers of truth and love to benefit our marriage, and never to hurt our spouse (which would be very easy to do). How to do this? With the power of Grace- the most important skills in a marriage are forgiveness and repentance, and we can forgive and love even when our spouses don't really deserve it, because Jesus forgave us and sacrificed for us when we didn't deserve it either.

The final three chapters build on the earlier framework Keller has established for marriage, but they are more stand-alone in their content. Chapter six - penned by Tim's wife Kathy- is on gender roles in marriage, chapter seven is on singleness and chapter eight is on Sex.

Kathy Keller makes a Biblical case for men having sacrificial and serving authority and wives engaging in sacrificial and serving submission. A fair objection to this point is considered by Kathy but not entirely answered- if sacrifice and servanthood is coming thick and fast in equal parts from both sides, then practically what difference do the roles make? And how can decisions be made if both sides are meant to be serving each other, and can't agree? One needs to go to the Appendix ("Decision Making and Gender Roles") to get the specific, practical answer given by the Kellers: "This should be the place where the one the Bible calls "head" takes the accountability" (p243). In other words men make the final decision because men have "ultimate authority and responsibility" (p185). I personally am not 100% convinced that she effectively justified her belief that this is an "obligatory" command that God has instituted for all people in all places-one size fits all- rather than just a general Biblical guideline.

In Chapter 7, singleness is shown to be a good way of life according to Christianity because for Christians, our future is "not guaranteed by our family but by God" (p196). The early church had a "revolutionary attitude" to singleness by institutionally supporting widows- a very unique practice in that day and age (p195). Keller makes a persuasive argument, showing that the positive view of singleness given by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 can fit snugly within the overall gospel narrative. The chapter also provides some practical advice for those singles who have decided to seek marriage.

Keller finishes the book with a discussion on Sex. He says sex is a way for two people to reciprocally say to each other than "I belong completely, permanently and exclusively to you" (p224), and that using sex for anything less is not only morally wrong according to the Bible but also will cause personal harm. He discusses yet another revolutionary claim by Paul that "the husband's body does not belong to him alone but to his wife", in a time when women were considered the legal possession of their husbands. Keller talks about using sex as a gift to your spouse, as opposed to something for personal gratification- again, an example of a unifying theme in the book that marriage should be an other-focused, selfless thing. Sex "reflects the joy of the trinity".

Overall, I found the book to be well argued, insightful, and well sourced. I am someone who is dating but not married, and I look forward to buying a copy of this book for married friends who will bring a different, deeper perspective. It was common for me to be reading and to think "I wish I'd read this years ago!"- and I'm not even married! So I'm interested to hear the thoughts of those who are, or have been for a long while. I'm grateful that Keller has transcribed his vast life experiences and accumulated wisdom onto the pages of this book, and that he can communicate his ideas clearly whilst remaining realistically aware of opposing views and the philosophies that underpin them.

One query on the book is the lack of discussion about children. The Bible says we should "go forth and multiply", and the Bible also warns against having sex outside of the marital relationship. Put two and two together and clearly, excluding immaculate conceptions, Christians should only have children when married. Furthermore, most people who are married, whether Christian or not, do actually have children. So I was surprised at the total lack of specific discussion on how marriage relates to the process of raising a family. Also, although the book was somewhat practical, there were still occasionally times when I wished Keller would quit talking about biblical passages or his theories on marriage, and instead explain exactly how his theological or general point plays out in day to day life. These are both minor quibbles, however, and I would wholeheartedly recommend the book to others. 4 stars. Read more ›