The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life [Paperback]

Harriet Lerner (Author)

Book Description

Release date: April 7, 1999

From the celebrated author of The Dance of Anger comes an extraordinary book about mothering and how it transforms us -- and all our relationships -- inside and out. Written from her dual perspective as a psychologist and a mother, Lerner brings us deeply personal tales that run the gamut from the hilarious to the heart-wrenching. From birth or adoption to the empty nest, The Mother Dance teaches the basic lessons of motherhood: that we are not in control of what happens to our children, that most of what we worry about doesn't happen, and that our children will love us with all our imperfections if we can do the same for them. Here is a gloriously witty and moving book about what it means to dance the mother dance.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

How does motherhood change you? Who or what do you become when you become a mother? "We can't begin to know what our children will evoke in us until we have them," says psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of the bestselling The Dance of Anger. Lerner set out to write a book on parenting, and ended up with a thoughtful and honest book focusing on the experience of being a mother--a woman's experiences, needs, and changes as she travels through the trials and pleasures of pregnancy, birth, power struggles, guilt, anxiety, relationship challenges, sibling struggles, and separation. Filled with personal stories and case studies, The Mother Dance offers mothers-to-be a guide for the road ahead, and women who are already mothers will recognize their own dilemmas and situations, and gain clarity about their experiences. Throughout, Lerner is wise, personal, and truthful about her own failings. This book is a welcome addition to the recent discourse on the mothering experience. --Ericka Lutz --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Kirkus Reviews

A popular psychotherapist writes with grace and striking candor about what it is like to be a mother. Lerner (The Dance of Deception, 1993, etc.) has two sons, both now grown and out of the housebut still friends with their mother and father, and with each other. That is no small accomplishment, and while Lerner gives herself and her husband (also a psychologist) appropriate credit for what they did right, she also looks back regretfully on what she did wrong. ``Readers . . . [of] my other books may be surprised to learn that I can behave so badly with my own children,'' she writes, a confession that is designed to give comfort to every mother who suffers from hindsight guilt. Using anecdotes from her own experience and that of colleagues and friends, Lerner looks at issues of control (``we are not in control of what happens to our children''), at the decision to have children (``a leap of faith''), at how the reality of the baby in the bassinet at home affects the relationship with a spouse (it changes, not always for the worse, but it changes). She also describes the wild extremes of emotion that many new mothers entertain, from ``intense elation'' to murderous rage, and roller coasters of guilt and fear. A self-styled ``big worrier,'' Lerner also offers advice on how to finesse worrying, power struggles, and such common mothering traps as food, sex, dress codes, and raising sons to be ``mama's boys.'' How siblings develop relationships with each other and the intricate networks of extended families are other subjects she tackles. Entertaining and revealing. Lerner's committed readers will enjoy and perhaps be reconciled to their own parenting styles from this view of her as a mother who is sometimes irrational, sometimes wise, but who loves her children ``beyond words.'' -- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1st HarperPerennial Ed Published 1999 edition (April 7, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 006093025X
• ISBN-13: 978-0060930257
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.3 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #330,617 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

Amazon Author Rankbeta 

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#86 in Books > Self-Help

#86 in Books > Self-Help

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

29 of 30 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A worthwhile read for moms at every stage of the game. January 29, 1999

By A Customer

Format:Hardcover

I loved Harriet Lerner's other "dance" books. At first I thought this one was going to be more of a guide for the mom-to-be. However, as I kept reading I realized Lerner was taking us through the stages from birth to the young adult's departure from home. Giving us examples from her own life as a mother of two sons, her friends' and clients' lives Lerner marvelously illustrates the various difficulties many women/families can experience. Lerner admits she was not a perfect mother. That admission makes it possible for us, the readers to evaluate our own weaknesses without the customary guilt that usually accompanies such assessments. Topics discussed include power struggles, talking with difficult kids, and sibling relationships. She even mentions the unmentionable-mothers hating their children. I have already recommended this book to a friend for the the last section which deals with the departure of the youngest child from home.

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining and practical advice! July 8, 1999

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

As a new mother I have read everything I can get my hands on! This book though is for ME, not advice on how to quiet a crying baby or what to feed a picky 12 month old. It is about the feelings, thoughts and worries that a mother obsesses over each day. I cried, laughed and learned through the entire book and then receommended it to two friends. If you are looking for a book to read that talks about how becoming a mom has truly made you a completely different person this is it!

36 of 40 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars I've been laughing outloud! November 16, 1999

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

As a working, mother in the mental health field I was so please to read that Harriet has gone through the same termoils I have. It seems so trivial when I hear her recounts. What a guilt trip we put on ourselves. While reading you feel like she could be sitting in your kitchen talking over a cup of diet soda. I have recommended this book to so many new mothers and older mothers that seem so concerned about doing the "right" thing. Dr. Lerner reminds us there isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to parent.

Lena Sheffield, M.S.Ed., CAP