The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity [Paperback]

Tammy Nelson PhD (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 2, 2013

Everyone has their own concept of what “monogamy” means—and most people assume their partners and spouses are on the same page. Couples may assume that they are monogamous, but never discuss exactly what the monogamy agreement means to them. What happens when this implicit agreement is broken? After infidelity, relationships can become strained as both partners lose trust and faith in each other. The New Monogamy offers a way out of these difficulties for couples struggling to stay together after infidelity. Couples make these implicit assumptions and agreements explicit so that each partner knows exactly what is expected of them in the future and what they can expect from their partner.

Author Tammy Nelson helps couples regain trust, romance, and intimacy after infidelity by redefining the monogamy contract. The new monogamy contract is an explicit relationship agreement created after the affair that allows each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations. This agreement does not create an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship. The book first helps couples rebuild trust after the affair, then engages in a series of Imago dialogues based on questions about what each partner really wants in the relationship, not what you think you should want or what a partner wants you to want. The New Monogamy includes questionnaires, checklists, and candid questions for partners to ask that help welcome complete honesty and trust back into the relationship. Then, the book helps couples make an erotic recovery from infidelity by addressing erotic problems that may surface and offers advice for helping couples return to desiring and trusting one another. After an affair, it’s impossible to go back to the way the relationship was before, but this book offers the chance for a new beginning.

Product Details

• Paperback: 232 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (January 2, 2013)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1608823156
• ISBN-13: 978-1608823154
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #299,802 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of the road, even though it often feels that way. Couples can, and do, often find their way to an ultimately deeper, more intimate bond, and I can think of no better guide to lead the journey than Tammy Nelson.”
—Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First

“The New Monogamy takes an honest look at infidelity and illustrates a clear path toward healing after an affair.”
—John Gray, PhD, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

“The New Monogamy sets Tammy Nelson apart from many other therapists. She doesn’t believe affairs simply involve a pathetic victim and an arrogant perpetrator—and that’s why she can actually help couples navigate this difficult challenge.”
—Marty Klein, PhD, author of Sexual Intelligence

“Provocative and juicy, far-reaching and intelligent.”
—Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?

“This book is a game changer for couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. It is unique in offering hope that this experience can be used to build a new and better relationship. But it offers far more than just hope; it provides detailed guidelines for how to make it happen. Tammy Nelson is a visionary in going beyond the immediate need to develop a new monogamy agreement to include the all-important process of revisiting and revising this agreement over time.”
—Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth and host of www.dearpeggy.com

“Tammy Nelson is a master therapist who can help you find hope and opportunity in the multiple crises caused by an affair. The New Monogamy offers safe, effective steps through the confusion, betrayal, and hurt—with guidelines for how you can create more honest, erotic, and soul-satisfying relationships.”
—Gina Ogden, PhD, LMFT, author of The Return of Desire and The Heart & Soul of Sex

“At a time when life can feel so murky and chaotic, along comes Tammy Nelson with this guidebook…. The New Monogamy is as crisp and clear as it is hopeful and realistic. A book to open again and again.”
—Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity

About the Author

Tammy Nelson, PhD, is a world-renowned expert in relationships, a psychotherapist in private practice, and a popular lecturer around the world on sexuality and human relationships and global relational change. She is a board-certified sexologist, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, a licensed professional counselor, and a certified Imago relationship therapist. She resides in the New York City area, where she works in her private practice treating couples who are looking to restore passion to their relationships, recover from infidelity, and create their new monogamy, one agreement at a time.

Product Details

• Paperback: 232 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (January 2, 2013)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1608823156
• ISBN-13: 978-1608823154
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #299,802 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr Tammy Nelson, is an internationally known speaker, a licensed psychotherapist and author with over 20 years experience working with individuals and couples. She is a Certified Sexologist, she holds a PhD in Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexology, is a Board Diplomate in Sexology, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Registered Art Therapist, and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor as well as a Certified Imago therapist, a Certified Imago workshop presenter and an Advanced Clinician.

Tammy is the author of several books including "Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together" and is also the author of "What's Eating You" a workbook for young people with food issues.

Nelson leads workshops for couples in "Sex and Intimacy" and "Getting the Love You Want" workshops based on Harville Hendrix's best selling book and his theory of Imago therapy.

Tammy teaches workshops and seminars around the world, and has worked with Eve Ensler (of the Vagina Monologues) in her Broadway production of "The Good Body", where Tammy provided workshops in the "Red Tent" Installation in New York City along with the likes of Christiana Northrup and Isabella Rosellini.

She is the mother of four children; all in the teen years. She lives in CT and has a private practice where she sees couples and individuals.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Must read - if you are in the middle of it! May 20, 2013

By Steen Rassing

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

As a couples therapist, i highly recommend this book to everybody who would like to se some hope in a painfull situation, and who needs specific steps to move on and turn a bad situation into a more ressourcefull future.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars An eye-opening approach February 21, 2013

By Davenport15

Format:Paperback

Dr. Nelson's book is a real eye opener - and a much-needed approach to maintaining a marriage, especially after infidelity. As always, the key seems to be communication, communication, and more communication.

What I found most revealing was her discussion on forgiveness. So often, we hear self-help "gurus" talking about forgiveness - usually putting the onus on the "wronged party" to do all the heavy lifting. Instead, her frank consideration of "empathy" and advising the "cheating party" (excuse me for lack of better words in both instances) to empathize with the partner, not demanding forgiveness, but appreciating the deep injury and its ramifications mean. Forgiveness is a long process - and there's no promise it's permanent, Dr. Nelson seems to indicate - but by each party empathizing with the other, perhaps they can come to a better, deeper understanding.

Throughout I found helpful dialogues and exercises for improving communications between couples. As a gay man in a long-term marriage (21 years), I found the approach enlightening, and the words of wisdom applicable - no matter what the gender configuration of the couple.

Is this all new? Perhaps not - but taking away the assumed characteristics of marriage vows, and turning marriage into an active, living, growing organism can only help.

Brava!

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A valuable resource beyond infideltiy June 12, 2013

By Peter T. Pacik, MD, FACS

Format:Paperback

As a physician working with women who have sexual pain, this book is a must read not only for couples struggling with infidelity but also for any couple that feels their sexual relationship has become stale. For women struggling with sexual pain, here too relationship issues surface and this becomes especially apparent in women suffering from vaginismus where intercourse becomes impossible due to severe pain with penetration. The author presents a wide array of possible solutions and homework assignments in a sensitive and meaningful way.
Peter T. Pacik,MD,FACS [...]

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The New Monogamy March 19, 2013

By CA

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This is a bold departure from other books on infidelity and takes the stigma out of affair recovery, putting the responsibility fairly back on both partners. Dr. Nelson advocates clear discussions in creating a monogamy definition for each couple and continuous "out-loud" discussions about expectations. Helpful for both the practitioner and the struggling couple, this book combines mindfulness, dialogue, goal-setting and case examples making it a good read and a necessary reference. Thank you!

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome! February 21, 2013

By Melanie Barnum

Format:Paperback

Dr. Nelson offers a vibrant and new approach to dealing with the incredibly difficult concept of monogamy in her new book! Times are changing and this fantastic author helps us look ahead to a more fulfilling life.

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome January 21, 2013

By Engineer

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

A refreshing and honest look under the covers of our moral values and what people really want. Examines feelings and actions most people have even though most don't admit it.

7 of 10 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Too Open Minded for My Taste March 27, 2013

By Linda J. Macdonald

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

As an infidelity specialist, I am always anxious to read new books on the subject, as I love to gather resources to recommend to my clients. The author knows her stuff regarding Imago therapy and has a useful format to help couples re-assess their implicit and explicit agreements. However, her frequent references to "polyamorous" and "polysexual" relationships along with "open marriage," seems to validate these as viable alternate lifestyles. She offers one example of a new agreement by a couple: "that once a month, they'd both have a free weekend in what they could do whatever they wanted, including having sexual experiences with others without needing to let the other know. The rest of the month, they would only be with each other." pp. 147, 148. Really? This does not seem like a healthy option for people who are trying to repair their marriages from the disruption of infidelity. If she only used one such example, that would be forgivable. However, I found her frequent offering up of valid ways for couples to agree to some form of unfaithfulness (like only once a month) too far afield for my taste. I felt like her periodic mention of traditional monogamy was in passing as merely one of many agreements a couple could settle upon. While I can appreciate the author's effort to appeal to a very broad readership, her frequent validation of such alternative arrangements would re-injure most if not all of my betrayed clients and justify more creative ways to be unfaithful for straying partners. Unless you are looking for a book to make you feel OK about you or your spouse having more than one lover, I would not recommend this book to people hoping to repair their marriages damaged by infidelity.
~Linda J. MacDonald, author, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Revolutionary and Necessary April 22, 2013

By isisphoenix

Format:Paperback

Dr. Tammy Nelson has written a book that is invaluable to the new direction we're going with relationships on the planet. There's no guidebook in marriage and even less of one after there's been an affair in the marriage. It's hard to talk about our sexual and intimate needs sometimes even with our partners. 'Redefining Monogamy' offers practical tools and repattern-ing opportunities for couples to reconnect after an affair, one agreement at a time.