The New Vampire's Handbook and over one million other books are available for Amazon Kindle. Learn more
Qty:1
  • List Price: $14.00
  • Save: $3.55 (25%)
FREE Shipping on orders over $35.
Only 15 left in stock (more on the way).
Ships from and sold by Amazon.com.
Gift-wrap available.
Add to Cart
FREE Shipping on orders over $35.
Condition: Used: Very Good
Comment: Eligible for Amazon's FREE Super Saver/Prime Shipping, 24/7 Customer Service, and package tracking. 100% Satisfaction Guarantee.
Add to Cart
Have one to sell?
Flip to back Flip to front
Listen Playing... Paused   You're listening to a sample of the Audible audio edition.
Learn more
See this image

The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night Paperback – September 8, 2009


See all 2 formats and editions Hide other formats and editions
Amazon Price New from Used from
Kindle
"Please retry"
Paperback
"Please retry"
$10.45
$5.00 $0.01

Frequently Bought Together

The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night + The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten
Price for both: $21.56

Buy the selected items together

NO_CONTENT_IN_FEATURE

Image
Looking for the Audiobook Edition?
Tell us that you'd like this title to be produced as an audiobook, and we'll alert our colleagues at Audible.com. If you are the author or rights holder, let Audible help you produce the audiobook: Learn more at ACX.com.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Villard (September 8, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0345508564
  • ISBN-13: 978-0345508560
  • Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.2 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,146,234 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Ostensibly edited by "the Vampire Miles Proctor" (nee Miles Mrockofijev, a New Yorker since 1907) this tongue-in-cheek (fang-in-neck?) volume should net a broad audience among just about every sector of the pop culture landscape: fans of Twilight, TV's True Blood (or Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse) and those works' legion of facsimiles in books, TV, movies, video games and the internet. A guide for freshly minted vampires attempting to navigate a new world of near-unlimited power, this work is supposed to be the end-product of 450-plus years of vampire experience. In reality, this cavalcade of vampire satire draws from some of the talented minds behind The Onion, arguably America's finest satirical news source, covering topics from health (oral hygiene kits typically include a file, pliers and a flathead screwdriver) to relationships ( "What to Do if You See a Human You Knew Decades Ago") to practical matters (relocating, faking your way through a meal) with grim silliness. Maintaining a dead-serious tone, this guide takes a giggle-inducing, undeniably comprehensive look at the absurdity of life among with undead. B/w photos and illustrations throughout.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

1   YOUR NEW BODY  


From the moment you first ran your tongue along your teeth after the transformation, it was clear that your body had undergone changes. But to what extent? It isn't just the fangs that are new. Many functions of your former body have dramatically increased, slowed, or stopped altogether. Each modification occurs so you can become a sleeker, more effective blood-obtaining-and-processing machine. Below are the most dramatic improvements. 

  DIGESTIVE-CIRCULATORY SYSTEM  

The nutritional and dietary needs of your body have changed. You now eat from only one food group, blood, which, when consumed, is absorbed through arteries of the stomach wall (1) and small intestine (2). Because of this, your stomach no longer produces acid, and your saliva no longer contains enzymes to break down starches. Instead, your saliva contains new enzymes that prevent the blood from coagulating. Any blood that is not absorbed by the stomach or small intestine makes its way to the newly enlarged appendix (3), where it is stored.* The imbibed blood is whisked to the liver (4), where impurities are filtered out. From there, the purified blood passes through your heart (5), which sends it to the rest of your body. The blood's vitality is then slowly absorbed through a biochemical process that releases light-negating hemo-photon particles, invisible to the naked eye.  

EXCRETORY/URINARY SYSTEM  

A vampire's body utilizes 98.9 percent of the blood it processes, so there is far less waste to remove. Consequently, your bladder and large intestine are no longer necessary, and effectively shut down. The kidneys likewise shrink, and your ability to generate the blood-production hormone erythropoietin also halts. The little waste left to remove-dead blood-cell walls and chemical impurities-is discreetly flushed from the body via the sweat ducts (6) of the feet.   INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM  

Undead is not dead. Hair and nails continue to grow, albeit stronger and more slowly.* Your new nails, if grown long, can be used effectively as gouging or slashing implements. A vampire's skin will continue to grow as well, but instead of flaking off, the base components are absorbed back into the body when they are no longer functional, making your complexion smooth and powdery. In addition, your skin no longer produces vitamin D when exposed to sunlight. Instead, the ultraviolet radiation in sunlight prevents the release of hemo-photon particles the epidermis emits as a by-product of processing vital energies from the blood; this can cause grave injury.  

IMMUNE SYSTEM   You no longer need an immune system. Viruses and bacteria that find purchase in living hosts do not meet a friendly environment inside a vampire's body. The one notable exception is that the feet, moistened from the constant excretion of waste, are susceptible to the fungal infection tinea pedis, known colloquially as night foot, or to the warm as athlete's foot.  

ENDOCRINE SYSTEM  

Your endocrine system was formerly responsible for regulating the release of hormones in your body. Most of the glands (such as the pituitary) that made up this system all but burned themselves out in your rapid human-to-vampire transformation. Some, such as the adrenal gland, enlarged and are now constantly active, contributing to your enhanced reflexes and strength. The thyroid and parathyroid glands also enlarged, which gives you increased energy and aids in your rapid healing response.  

MUSCULAR AND NERVOUS SYSTEMS  

While a vampire's strength and reflexes have increased dramatically, their functionality has not changed at all.

   REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM  

The reproductive system as you knew it is no longer functional. Your genitals are no longer necessary for you to procreate and can only perform sexually. Reproducing is now carried out by allowing a victim to feed on you. A vampire is technically of three parents: a human mother, a human father, and the vampire who turned him. All those responsible passed on the genetic materials that make up you as an individual. The vampire's genetic material-its particular strengths and weaknesses-have been passed on to you via the blood consumed to initiate the turning.

   SKELETAL SYSTEM  

Your bone marrow has disappeared, meaning that you no longer produce your own blood. This makes you lighter and able to jump higher.  

RESPIRATORY SYSTEM  

Your body no longer needs oxygen in order to function, and you no longer need to breathe. Your lungs operate on a purely voluntary basis, and are used primarily to allow you to mimic humans, to speak, or perhaps to smoke, for dramatic effect.    

2   YOUR NEW POWERS  

In order to slake your newfound thirst, your body has undergone a series of changes that radically elevate your predatory capabilities. As you settle into your superior form, you will marvel that you were ever able to get along as a human. 

  A word of caution: the dawning awareness of your enhanced abilities can be initially disorienting, then ultimately intoxicating. Many vampires go through a delusional period early on. They confuse superior with invulnerable and behave recklessly until they either realize their limitations or perish following an act of supreme foolishness.   STRENGTH  

Your feeble human form may have been hard-pressed to lift a case of beer without wheezing, but a vampire can lift a car over his head with ease. Increased strength also endows you with the ability to jump great distances and climb vertical surfaces utilizing minimal hand- and footholds.  

SPEED AND HEIGHTENED REFLEXES  

On average, vampires can move twice as fast as humans, enabling them to chase down any prey with ease. When necessary, microbursts of incredible speed are also possible, though they require a great deal more energy. Your reaction times are also decreased, making it much easier to dodge a clumsily wielded stake aimed for the heart.  

HEIGHTENED SENSES  

Increased speed and strength alone will not help you find your way around in pitch-blackness. Fortunately, with your new body, the night comes alive. You now possess superior night vision on the level of the cat, which allows you to penetrate the darkness with ease. With your owl-like hearing, you can hear a jugular vein pulsing from yards away. Like the wolf, you can smell the delicious fear coming in waves off a victim. When you taste your victim's blood, you will be able to identify his blood type, what he had for his last meal, and what prescription and nonprescription medications he was taking. Only your sense of touch will be unchanged-which, admittedly, is a bit of a letdown after the dramatic increase in the other senses.  

MIND CONTROL  

The ability to hold sway over the warm is difficult to master because it is completely new and alien. You lifted objects as a human, so lifting heavier objects is not hard to understand; it is probable, however, that you never controlled another human's mind. When it happens to you, it will come as a surprise. One minute you'll be thinking of how distasteful it is that someone is a smoker, and the next minute you'll watch that person crumple up his pack of cigarettes, never to smoke again. After this happens for a fifth time, you'll start to understand and appreciate the causality, and you can work on honing your abilities for a greater purpose. 

  All mind control requires is that you fix your concentrated gaze on a human while thinking about what you want him to do. If he looks into your eyes, he will bend to your will.* At your command, he will follow your orders, remember what you tell him, or forget what he saw.  

There are limitations. You cannot make people harm themselves. For example, you can command a victim to stay in position while you glide over to feed on him, but you cannot make him jump out a window or cut his wrists over a wine glass so that you can drink the blood in a sophisticated manner. The longer you control a human, the weaker his grasp of sanity becomes, so unless you want a gibbering fool on your hands, do not control one human mind for longer than is necessary.  

CONTROL OVER ANIMALS  

In addition to controlling humans, you will be able to communicate with and control certain types of animals. The type of creature varies from vampire to vampire. Most can control rats, while others have dominion over bats, wolves, or dogs. Older vampires can command multiple species.  

RAPID HEALING  

Many humans labor under the false impression that the vampire cannot be harmed by anything but specialized weapons. This is untrue. Vampires can suffer a full spectrum of injuries, but heal incredibly quickly. While a vampire may be in a great deal of pain after getting hit by a car, he will be able to walk it off within minutes. There are exceptions to this rule (see chapter 3, "Weaknesses"), but by and large, most cuts, punctures, and blunt-force traumas will not impede you for long.  

LONGEVITY 

  As long as you stay out of sunlight and avoid having your heart impaled with a wooden stake, you will live forever.  

A NOTE ON AGING  

As you get older, some of your powers will increase. You will be able to control a wider variety of animals, lift heavier objects, and hypnotize larger groups of people.  

You will also find that, around the one-hundred-year mark, new powers will begin to develop. The only reason they are being enumerated this early in your development is so that you know what to expect before you receive misinformation from another vampire. Don't be obsessed with these powers. They will...

More About the Authors

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Related Media

 
   

Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
5 star
9
4 star
0
3 star
1
2 star
1
1 star
0
See all 11 customer reviews
It's funny and...well, just funny.
Jennifer Fisher
I bought this book up on a whim, and didn't set it down (or stop laughing!)
Ross Mudrick
Yes it's a danged HUMOR book, get over it.
R. Howell

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful By R. Howell on November 3, 2009
Format: Paperback
With the help of the Vampire Miles Proctor, Action-5 writers have presented a guide for those vampires that never got the proper tutelage or guidance from a mentor after they were turned into an undead bloodsucker. You'll learn valuable tips on travelling, etiquette, feeding, strengths, weaknesses, social responsibilities, and how to get invited into places. Afterall, you're going to feasibly be around for a long long time so unless someone is showing you the way, you better get this book to help you along, without it or a mentor, your time could be very short.

Yes it's a danged HUMOR book, get over it. It's quite funny, well presented, well worded, and you won't put it down until you're finished. The authors aren't dealing with wanna-be goths, blood-drinking fetish humans, movie vampires, or other crap but present the vampire as if they were real. There are influences from the Anne Rice books, a little Buffy, and old folklore to present them in a tongue-in-cheek fashion that will get you to laugh. Can go hand in hand with the The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten although this vampire guide is much better written. Worth picking up unless you are over-the-top and take the subject of vampire reality far too serious. It's not like we're talking about zombies here.
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By A. Sobel on September 27, 2009
Format: Paperback
As a both a lover of comedy and Buffy, this book had me laughing out loud, and that takes a lot to do. With the holidays around the corner, I can think of no better humorous gift to give both vampire-obsessed and non-obsessed friends/family members. Never fails to delight.
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful By Jessie O on November 6, 2009
Format: Paperback
I got this for my birthday from a friend at work and wasn't too sure if I would like it .
Once I started I could not put it down ! It is one of the funniest books I have ever read ,
these writers are fantastic ! Miles' advice and anticdotes are priceless .
Don't forget to carry sunflower seeds or grains with you on dark spooky
nights , it can prove more useful than garlic !
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful By Ross Mudrick on September 27, 2009
Format: Kindle Edition
I bought this book up on a whim, and didn't set it down (or stop laughing!) until I reached the last page. The authors are clearly real fans, and so the book feels like an act of love.

Can anybody recommend any other books by these authors?!?
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Sam on May 27, 2011
Format: Kindle Edition
When I first picked this up I wasn't sure what to expect, but being a fan of non-sparkly vampires I had to give it a try. The most important thing I have to say is: Dear god why couldn't Stephine Meyer have read this book before she wrote that travesty she calls a series.
This book is great for anyone who loves real vampires. It might be a bit much for some people because the descriptions can be a bit dry, but it's definitely worth reading at least once. There's a lot of interesting information with sudden little bursts of funny spread throughout.
I would definitely recommend this book to a friend.
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By James N Simpson on February 28, 2010
Format: Paperback
The New Vampires Handbook is written a self help manual for the newly turned whose vampire turner has not taken up the mentor role they should have. In the past these newly turned vampires were most likely to make a mistake and not survive long in the wild of the real world. I don't think this manual by any means would replace the wisdom of a good vampire mentor with their hundreds of years of knowledge but unfortunately there are a lot of recently turned who just don't have the mentor option.

Even if your turner is still around this is a good little book to bring up subjects with them they may not have realised was important before you get caught out and burn up. I mean I had never even thought about the fact that even though you catch a red-eye flight the plane may get delayed and sit for hours on the runway while you burn up with no where to escape the sunlight.

Vampire Miles Proctor also knows how to write in a humorous and very entertaining way. This is no boring book or rules or how to manual. In fact if humans ever get hold of a copy, and I've got to confess I'm actually in that category, even though there is nothing of immediate use to the non vampire inside we are quite entertained.

The main topics inside fall under the five main headings Health and Welfare, Feeding, Vampire-Human Relations, Society and Culture and Lifestyle. There's also a few appendices and a glossary of words the newly turned vampire is likely to hear but not quite know what they mean. Vampires will learn about their new body, weaknesses, mortal enemies, fangs and oral hygiene, selecting and luring prey, disaster preparedness, vampire fanatics, human-vampire love, faking your way through a meal, getting into invite only buildings, acting your age, coffins, travel and much more.
Comment Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
Thank you for your feedback. If this review is inappropriate, please let us know.
Sorry, we failed to record your vote. Please try again

Customer Images

Search