The Prisoner's Wife : A Memoir [Paperback]

asha bandele (Author)

Book Description

Release date: August 1, 2000

As a favor for a friend, a bright and talented young woman volunteered to read her poetry to a group of prisoners during a Black History Month program. It was an encounter that would alter her life forever, because it was there, in the prison, that she would meet Rashid, the man who was to become her friend, her confidant, her husband, her lover, her soul mate. At the time, Rashid was serving a sentence of twenty years to life for his part in a murder. The Prisoner's Wife is a testimony, for wives and mothers, friends and families. It's a tribute to anyone who has ever chosen, against the odds, to love.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

This book explains the inexplicable: how a talented young poet from a good family and privileged background could meet, fall in love with, and marry a prisoner serving 20-to-life for murder. As bandele says "I didn't fall in love with a killer. I fell in love with a man committed to the transformation of himself, of the world." They meet when she is among a group of African American activists giving readings at prisons. The prison, she says, "because of its stance against love made me take a stance for love." Her prison visits become personal visits as she and Rashid share stories of their lives and he helps her confront and overcome a history of sexual abuse. Their decision to marry, and thus have conjugal visits, seems offhand but not awry, given their deep emotional intimacy. The author has a poet's fluid skill with language and maintains a lyrical tone throughout, even in the uncertainty following denial of her husband's appeal and bandele's realization that he will be locked up for at least seven more years. For all public libraries.AJanice Dunham, John Jay Coll. Lib., New York
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Booklist

When one hears of a woman marrying a man in prison, especially a man she met while he was already in prison, it is hard not to question her motives or sanity. Poet asha bandele writes of her relationship with Rashid, a man serving 20-to-life for murder. She tells of how she met this man while she was visiting the prison to read her poetry; of how she visited him as a friend/lover, waiting five years before she married him; of waiting the long months after the marriage before they were granted a conjugal visit; of love letters, long collect phone calls, and the horror and indignity of their prison situation. Yet she found in Rashid the strength to remember and confront her past as a victim of sexual abuse. She found, too, the love that most women long for, but in a place that imposes limitations that are a nightmare. Her writing soars with emotion. And the reader's emotions soar as well, not because of a shared experience but because her highly polished and skillful writing makes one feel her pain and joy. This is a romantic but realistic story, told with a directness and honesty that make us know that however impossible the problems asha and Rashid face, we can question neither her motives nor her sanity. Danise Hoover --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: Washington Square Press; Reprint edition (August 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0671021486
• ISBN-13: 978-0671021481
• Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.7 x 8.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (152 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #206,993 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

24 of 26 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars What Real Love Is All About May 13, 2001

By Zane

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I am almost speechless after reading this book, a biography of a woman that managed to find love behind bars. Not a semblance of love but real love; unconditional love; emotional love. In a million years, I never thought I would be able to relate to this book but I had heard so many wonderful things about it that I just had to purchase it and I am so glad that I did.

While I have known less than a handful of people that have done prison time and have never been involved with a man that has served, this book goes much deeper than that and deals with the issues that any woman must deal with at some point in her life. What issues? The definition of love and what we seek from a man. A lot of women search their entire lives and never find what asha bandele found as a visiting poet to a penitentiary. She found Rashid, a Muslim serving twenty years with life tagged on behind it for second degree murder. She found a man that understood her, a man that listened to her rid herself of all the demons of her childhood, a man that did not judge her when she revealed her previous promiscuous behavior, a man unlike her previous husband who was there physically but never touched her body or her soul.

asha's word are so vivid and detailed that they are almost arousing in nature. I pictured all that she went through: the humiliation of being searched when she visited him, the negative comments from friends and family members who simply could not understand how she could love a convicted felon, the pain and anguish of her decision to have an abortion instead of trying to raise a child alone. While I felt her pain, I also felt her joy. The joy of a man telling her that she is perfect despite her physical imperfections. The joy of being able to get to know a man mentally for years before sex came into play. The joy of knowing that no matter what else went wrong in her life, someone loved her unconditionally. This book has truly helped me see the light. It has taught me to never take things like the ability to hold hands or lie beside a lover, even in moments of anger, for granted. I think that every woman should read this book because the honesty and candor of her words, the thoughtfulness of letting people into her life through her memoir, makes one realize that if she can heal, so can all of us.

20 of 22 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Beautifully written but lacking character growth February 24, 2002

By Alycia

Format:Paperback

asha bandele is a talented writer, and I have to give this book it's three stars for it's beautiful prose and it's sensitive subject matter. I appreciate any book that doesn't have a tired or overdone storyline. Yet there's something about this book that seems a bit shallow to me.
It seems to me asha jumped headfirst into this relationship with Rashid, unprepared for the realities of loving a man in prison. It's not like he went there after they met--he was already there and she should have thought about what she was getting into. Of course you have to deal with loneliness, longing, make do with letters and phone calls that are scrutinized, deal with prison rules and regulations and some insensitive and rude prison employees. What did she expect? She was lucky to get conjugal visits--that is a privilege that not every prisoner enjoys, and so what if it's interrupted by a head count? Does she think she's at the Hilton? If she loves this man SO much, how could she abort his child? (Not to get on any anti-abortion platform here, but I just felt that wasn't the thing to do if their love was as strong as she said it was.) I think one of the editorial reviews stated that asha was "freed" mentally by Rashid or something of the like, but I failed to see it. She seemed just as confused and lost to me at the end as she does in the beginning.
She also seems to blow off Rashid's crime. We learn nothing of any real substance about Rashid, only the things that make him look good. To make him seem like a real and possibly more sympathetic person, I feel we should know the good AND bad, including his crime. If she has as much sympathy for his victim's wife as she says she does, she should fully understand why he was denied parole, why he's in prison in the first place.
I found this book interesting because I could relate from both sides; having a loved one incarcerated and having a loved one murdered. And I can say from experience even when you love someone who's taken a life, no matter how much you love them, you really hate what they've done. You may hate to see them locked up, but you understand why. You would think Rashid is incarcerated for writing bad checks or driving with a suspended license, not for killing somebody. She seems to dismiss what Rashid has done in taking someone's life, not only away from that person, but away from his family. I think if she had shown any growth as a person, she would have realized at some point that she is lucky that the man she loves so much is still alive for her to love. The man he killed doesn't have a chance to love, to see his family, to change his life, or do any of the things that Rashid is free to do. I expected her to accept her situation at the end for that reason alone, but she seems to childishly give up because she couldn't have it her way. It seems pretty silly and naive for her to think things would ever be fully satisfying and rewarding in those circumstances--I've tried to put that off as being young and perhaps not knowing any better, but being an intelligent woman I don't see how she couldn't know.
Although I wasn't very drawn to asha and didn't agree with her, I can say I truly did enjoy this book, for the writing style and her attempt at self-discovery and acceptance, although she doesn't quite make it as far as I can tell.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Wonderful and Inspiring Love Story December 26, 1999

By Yaa

Format:Hardcover

I would like to commend Asha Bandele for writing the story of her love for Rashid and his love for her. Too often we place limitations on where we find love and who we will love, we allow the negative opinions of others to determine our destiny. Her story is one that is truly inspiring in my life, I too have found myself to be in love with a man that is incarcerated serving a life sentence. Prior to reading The Prisoners wife, I found myself debating on if I should keep my love for this man hidden from my friends and family. Ms. Bandele has been inspirational in helping me to see that there is no shame in loving this man.. So I say to you Ms. Bandele... keep your head up, keep loving Rashid, don't let the thoughts and negative criticisms that are surely to come your way hinder the love and respect that you and Rashid have for one another.. Thanks for not being ashamed to tell your story to those of that are walking in your shoes.. we needed to hear it... I also say thanks for giving some insight to those that don't understand those of us that have made a conscious decision to love men that are behind bars... If one really opens their hearts and mind in reading The Prisoners Wife they will discover that this is a book that will reveal what true love is all about whether your mate is incarcerated or in the free world...