Customer Reviews

The Pursuit of Perfect

5 star:		(11)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

In the poem "Richard Cory" written by Edward Arlington Robinson (1869-1935) and first published in 1897, the first two stanzas identify Cory as "a gentleman from sole to crown, /clean favored and imperially slim" who "fluttered pulses when he said, /`Good morning,' and glittered when he walked." Then in the two remaining stanzas, Robinson adds

"And he was rich--yes, richer than a king--

And admirably schooled in every grace:

In fine, we thought that he was everything

To make us wish that we were in his place.

"So on we worked, and waited for the light,

And went without the meat and cursed the bread;

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

Went home and put a bullet through his head."

In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar explains that many people (as well as fictional characters) fail to lead a full and fulfilling life because they do not allow themselves "to experience the full range of human emotions" and thus limit their capacity for happiness. They need to give themselves the permission to be human...to ground [their] dreams in reality and appreciate [their] accomplishments." Throughout this book, Ben-Shahar refers to negative perfectionism simply as perfectionism and to positive perfection ism as optimalism. "The key difference between the Perfectionist an the Optimalist is that the former essentially rejects reality while the latter accepts it...as a natural part of life and as an experience that is inextricably linked to success."

Ben-Shahar organizes his material within three Parts: First, he presents his theory and explains how to accept failure, emotions, success, and reality; next, he focuses on applications of the theory with regard to optimal education, work, and love; and then in Part 3, he asks his reader to participate in a series of ten meditations: Real Change, Cognitive Therapy, Imperfect Advice, A Perfect New World, The Role of Suffering, The Platinum Rule, Yes, but...The Pro-Aging Industry, The Great Deception, and finally, Knowing and Not-Knowing. It is soon obvious that v cares deeply about helping as many people as possible to recognize a painful paradox: "when we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions, we limit our capacity for happiness. All our feelings [e.g. both terror and serenity] flow along the same emotional pipeline, so when we block painful emotions, we are also indirectly blocking pleasurable ones. And these painful emotions only expand and intensify when they aren't released. When they finally break through - and they eventually break through in one way or another - they overwhelm us," as they did Richard Cory.

Who will derive the greatest value from reading this book? First, those who are struggling to recognize, understand, and cope with their own "destructive perfectionist tendencies" and/or those of a family member, friend, or acquaintance. For me, one of Ben-Shahar's most important points is that each person is both a Perfectionist and an Optimalist. This suggests one of Carl Rogers' most important points: The happiest people are those who are most comfortable living in their own body, people who (in Ben-Shahar's words) "give themselves permission to be human." This is what Walt Whitman acknowledges in Song of Myself:

"Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

All of us are large and contain multitudes. The challenge is to recognize and understand this complexity because only then can we accept it and, in some instances, celebrate it as Whitman does. When concluding his book, Ben-Shahar shares some thoughts that will also serve as an appropriate conclusion to this brief discussion of it: "Perfectionism and optimalism are not distinct ways of being, an either-or choice, but rather they coexist in each person. And while we can move from perfectionism toward optimalism, we never fully leave perfectionism behind and never fully reach optimalism ahead. The optimalism ideal is not a distant shore to be reached but a distant start that guides us and can never be reached. As Carl Rogers pointed out, `The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.'" I agree. However, for many of those who read this book, Tal Ben-Shahar offers invaluable advice on how to plan and then conduct their own journey of self-discovery.

I think the title of the book could be misleading for some people, as many wouldn't label themselves as perfectionists , Tal Ben Shahar proves in his theory that we all have struggles in perfectionism in one field of life or another which is very true to me. I prefer to call this book: The book of change, in which the author takes us into a journey of self reflections, self insights & subsequently a chance for a meaningful change only through the HARD WORK of sincere implementations of the exercises.

His unique writing style mingles philosophy & the best of academic research in cognitive psychology all together in a persuasive presentation. The exercises are persuasive enough because they all stand on the solid ground of empirical evidence.

What took me in awe were the closing 10 meditations, or better to call them the 10 wisdoms .

In conclusion, a unique work indeed, bringing a deeper and more mature level, for a more happier life.

From: www.BasilAndSpice.com

Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!

The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life (McGraw Hill/ Apr 2009) by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.

Author Tal Ben-Shahar is known for his Positive Psychology and upbeat lectures surrounding happiness. A Harvard graduate, he is also a champion squash competitor, winning both the U.S. Intercollegiate and Israeli National competitions. Ben-Shahar is also known for his bestselling book Happier. He began his search for the happiness while thinking about the subject, as a successful but unhappy athlete, and also as a successful but unhappy professional, leading him into the research of Positive Psychology.

Traveling abroad, giving international lectures has allowed the author to meet diverse groups of people, all in search of happiness. A common barrier coexisting in them all is "the aspiration to a life that is not just happier but perfect." The Pursuit of Perfect Ben-Shahar writes is about what perfectionism is and "about how to overcome this obstacle to a happier life."

Positive Psychology differentiates between positive (optimal) and negative perfectionism. Ben-Shahar points out that the perfectionist rejects failure, painful emotions, success, and reality. He limits himself with worry of failure, producing anxiety and procrastination. The optimalist however, accepts failure, painful emotions, success, and reality; he lives the full scope of the human experience. Though the optimalist may fail, he accepts the reality of the situation and moves forward.

Written in workbook format, the author suggests that readers stop and start with The Pursuit of Perfect, taking time to think about what he's read, apply the material, and complete the exercises at the end of the chapters. Referencing many specialists and researchers like himself, Ben-Shahar details seven pages of references.

Divided into three sections The Pursuit of Perfect explores the danger of perfection and the necessity of becoming an optimalist.

Part 1 The Theory--the need for accepting failure (think eating disorder sufferers), emotions (think depression), success (realistic goals), dealing with reality; mentions Viktor Frankl (paradoxical intentions) and David Barlow (worry exposure), Khalil Gibran (The Prophet--our capacity for increased joy).

Part 2 Applications--helping children attain happiness and success (mentions the Montessori school concept); taking optimalism to work (no-blame policies of the Israeli Air Force and U.S. Air Force; problems with micromanagement); finding love in the face of reality (Do you accept the flaws in your partner?)

Part 3 Meditations--focuses on the difficulties with releasing ourselves from perfectionism; cognitive techniques given; the need for self-love; pro-aging vs. the anti-aging lifestyle ("Those with a positive view of old age lived on average more than seven years longer than those with a negative view.")

Ben-Shahar relates several personal stories of reaching for perfection, living with emotional disequilibration, and parenting for relativity to the reader. His conclusion to The Pursuit of Perfect begins, "My name is Tal, and I am a Perfectionist," and the book concludes as "My name is Tal, and I am also an Optimalist." Perfectionism and its pursuit resides within many of us, perhaps hurting, distorting, and forcing rejection unfairly upon a life worth living. The journey toward Optimalism however, is viewed as a process or direction toward which one points his life.

The Pursuit of Perfect is a fascinating book, helping all of us discover what makes us tick, and in the end live life happier and more meaningfully.

5 Stars

I was expecting this book to be a rather bland take on a typical self-help theme, something along the lines of being providing excuses for those who are willing to put in the necessary hard work needed for excellence.

Wow. That was incorrect. Ben-Shahar starts by debunking the perfection as a goal (and perfectionism as a attitude), replacing it with the concept of "optimalism", optimizing outcomes against the constraints of reality. He does this fully and from many angles. And thus finding happiness outside of perfection

And then he takes the concept further linking it to deeper philosophical, emotional, and psychological concepts.

I had thought that the notion of abandoning the drive for perfection would be contradictory to my overall approach to life. Instead, I learned that the converse is true. And that has made this the most eye-opening book I've read in years.

While the advice contained in this book is helpful, I have to ask myself did I need to read so much of this to get the message? The answer quite simply is "no". Having make the point that striving for perfection essentially leads only to low self esteem when we inevitably fail, there is not really a lot more that can be said, yet Ben-Sharah manages to take over 250 pages proving it.

Yes, it contains proof, and exercises to help the afflicted, but it all come down to that first simple statement. But I very soon became impatient with what I was reading, not to mention extremely irritated at the constant interchange between "he" and "she" in the examples; pointless political correctness that simple gets in the way.

I don't think I really needed to plough through all that tautologous writing to get the point. I could go on, but then the same accusation could be levelled at me!

It's easy to look at the title and think this is one of those "I'm okay, you're okay" sort of books. NOT the case!

Shahhar makes a compelling case that the enemy is not "perfection", but the attitude of "perfectionism," which robs accomplishment of its joy and always leads to dissatisfaction. The "perfect life" is attainable if you hang on to your Visions and keep a sense of balance and perspective in life.

Stylistically, this gets redundant at points. But the argument is compelling enough to be worth reiterating, even if the prose is repetitive.

You don't need to be a perfectionist to learn something valuable from this book.

I highly recommend Tal's "The Pursuit of Perfect", whether you're a perfectionist or not. He interweaves his wealth of knowledge of well-researched concepts with compelling personal experiences. The result is a very readable analysis of the dangers of perfectionism and an outline of a healthier alternative that he calls "optimalism."

The central idea is that being an optimalist is adaptive and healthy. Tal draws a link between healthy optimalism and the goal of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of optimal human functioning.

In his book, he refers to a continuum. At one end we have the extreme perfectionists who reject reality, failure (and success) and painful emotions, and are rarely satisfied. At the other end of the continuum are the optimalists who accept the realities of being human and the inevitable, mixed results that come with purposeful action. They've learned to appreciate "good enough.". There are shades of grey between these extremes on the continuum.

Throughout the book, in addition to research and information, Tal's practical "Time In" exercises, reflections, and meditations help the reader lessen the grip of perfectionism. Tal does not set up unrealistic expectations. No quick fix, no silver bullets. It takes time, hard work and regular practice. This book reminds us to allow ourselves to have a good enough life and to give ourselves permission to be human. So begins the journey of moving towards optimalism, and to a place of peace, satisfaction, and happiness.

I think that the author's advice to try to be an 'optimalist' rather than a 'perfectionist' is wise and helpful. Perfectionism can indeed make you miserable. If I had read the book instead of listened to it, I probably would have rated it with 3 or 4 stars.

I can't give this CD set a good review, however. In general, I have trouble appreciating audio books, and this one is no exception. The author's ideas merit pondering, and it's difficult to ponder while listening to a book being read. You could pause the CD and 'ponder' but that doesn't come naturally to me, And of course the index, notes, and excellent bibliography are missing.

The main problem with the CD version is, however, the reader. His voice is didactic, and he takes the opportunity to sound snide and sarcastic whenever he can fit it in. I've looked at the book itself, and find the author's writing 'personality' to be gentle and humorous, but this didn't come across at all. I can't help but wish that Mr. Ben-Shahar had read the book himself. As a Harvard professor, he's probably an accomplished lecturer.

Ever since reading about Tal Ben-Shahar in a Boston Globe article ([...] ) I've been interested to learn more about what he was teaching in his "sold out" Harvard course.

I haven't been disappointed. The main tenet of the book is that perfectionism often limits your success and even when it doesn't, you don't appreciate what you've achieved. He recommends becoming a optimalist (a new word he coined I believe) instead. An optimalist accepts failure as part of life, enjoys the journey instead of only the destination and is still able to achieve goals.

As one who has strong tendencies toward perfectionism, it's an especially useful read. He covers other useful areas like striking a balance between work, family and recreation, using personal examples. He uses his own life as an illustration on how to apply the principles he teaches. I find this quite helpful as it lets you in on his own experiences with perfectionism as well as giving you concrete examples to emulate in your own life.

I can't say whether this book had long-lasting affects yet but I plan to apply his suggestions in order to become an optimalist in time.

I agree with other reviewers that the reader detracted from the content. I would have preferred to hear the author read his book.

I have been amazed with this book! Finally I find a book, that tells about me! My problems, that I have not been able to identify before this good. This is an excellent book, and it is very useful also to those, who don't consider themselves to be perfectionists. We all are, in some ways, I think. It is also a very important book to all parents - do not make your kids unhappy perfectionists - even when you only mean good! This book is starting to change my life in profound way. Read it!