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The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married [Hardcover]

Iris Krasnow
3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (53 customer reviews)

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Book Description

September 29, 2011

A bestselling, groundbreaking author investigates successful long term marriages, interviewing wives and their uncensored strategies for staying married.

America's high divorce rate is well known. But little attention has been paid to the flip side: couples who creatively (sometimes clandestinely) manage to build marriages that are lasting longer than we ever thought possible. What's the secret? To find out, bestselling journalist Iris Krasnow interviewed more than 200 wives whose marriages have survived for 15 to 70 years. They are a diverse cast, yet they share one common and significant trait: They have made bold, sometimes secretive and shocking choices on how to keep their marital vows, "till death do us part," as Krasnow says, "without killing someone first."

In raw, candid, titillating stories, Krasnow's cast of wise women give voice to the truth about marriage and the importance of maintaining a strong sense of self apart from the relationship. Some spend summers separately from their partners. Some make time for wine with the girls. One septuagenarian has a recurring date with an old flame from high school. In every case, the marriage operates on many tracks, giving both spouses license to pursue the question "Who am I apart from my marriage?" Krasnow's goal is to give women permission to create their own marriages at any age. Marital bliss is possible, she says, if each partner is blissful apart from the other.

A fascinating window on the many faces of modern relationships, The Secret Lives of Wives brims with inspiring and daring examples of women who have it both ways: a committed marriage and personal adventures in uncharted territory. For anyone who wants to stay married and stay sane, this is the book to read!


Frequently Bought Together

The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married + Surrendering to Marriage + I Am My Mother's Daughter: Making Peace with Mom--Before It's Too Late
Price for all three: $29.90

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"At first this book terrified me: another submission and sacrifice marriage manual for wives? Instead Iris Krasnow delivers astonishing candor, realistic compassion, and invaluable wisdom when it comes to how paradoxically infuriating and rewarding long-term marriages can be. The best book on marriage ever."
(Leslie Morgan Steiner )

“In this breathtaking book The Secret Lives of Wives, Iris Krasnow opens a window into the inner world of women whose unique courage and vision has enabled them to find relationship happiness over the long term. With wit and wisdom, she thoughtfully tells their stories and then fills the reader with brilliant ideas and concepts to apply to their own lives. This is as much of a men’s book as it was written by and for women.” 
(Dr. Bill Cloke )

“Iris Krasnow has managed to demystify the workings of long-term marriages by confirming the mysterious uniqueness of each one. The secret, she finds, lies in the way two people negotiate their own personal amalgam of companionship and sex, compromise and disappointment, lust and tenderness, trust and lies. The challenge for the rest of us is to do the same.”
(Suzanne Braun Levine )

“She whips up a spirited, enlightening cocktail of comfort, support and grace. Fulfilling and well-structured.”
(Kirkus Reviews )

“One of Ten Titles to Pick Up Now. ‘Boyfriends with boundaries,’ separate summers, and other therapeutic strategies for maintaining wedded bliss over the long haul.”
(O, The Oprah Magazine ) --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

About the Author

Iris Krasnow is the author of New York Times bestseller Surrendering to Marriage, as well as Surrendering to Motherhood, Surrendering to Yourself, and I Am My Mother’s Daughter. A longtime journalism professor at American University, she has appeared on numerous national shows, ranging from Oprah and Good Morning America to Today and All Things Considered. She lives in Maryland with her husband and four sons.


Product Details

  • Hardcover: 288 pages
  • Publisher: Gotham; 1 edition (September 29, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1592406807
  • ISBN-13: 978-1592406807
  • Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.8 x 1.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (53 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #278,116 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
62 of 64 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Don't get divorced September 29, 2011
Format:Hardcover
This is a book, a marriage manual of sorts by Iris Krasnow, who repeats many times that she both loves and loathes her husband. This is the theme of the writing. It should be reassuring to those who feel a successful marriage never contains these feelings. She is 56 and has been married 23 years.

There is advice from experts, and the author and most of those that are interviewed and the views that marriage is better for all concerned. It is summed up, in many instances, "that you can have an extraordinary life within the framework of an ordinary, even mediocre, marriage." At least one knows in reading this that it is definitely not based on the fairy tale of happily ever after.
Strategies and secrets to keep a marriage going are given and reiterated in the many interviews that are contained in this writing. This can be a revelation to many who read it and a help to many. Some of the interviews can be shocking and eye opening. The basic theme is do not expect your husband to make you happy - it is within yourself.

There is little of the idea that friendship makes for a successful and happy marriage. There seems to be almost no evidence of husbands that help cook and clean... what a saint this rare find must be. It is an idea and solution that is not really brought up. It does seem at times that it rests all upon the woman's shoulders; but that is the concept that is reiterated time and time again that your happiness lies within yourself. It's a good solid idea and this is a book that shows the difference between self-exploration and self-absorption. The warnings are here - of women who now regret and utter that phrase,"if I knew then what I know now".

In total this can be a revelation and a teaching tool for yourself or others who are married or are even aiming in that direction. No matter what, it will make you think and have more of a feeling of what a marriage is and what it takes to keep one going through the years.
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20 of 23 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
This book kept my attention and I read it cover to cover, uninterrupted by other books. I love how the author integrated testimonials of women throughout the entire book. These include marriages in which the woman found male platonic relationships to fill in what the husband couldn't provide; one woman in a sexless marriage who found a lover (and her husband turned a blind eye); an arranged marriage that turned into love--but without all the expectations of romance; an interracial marriage in which the woman was cut off from her father (who never even met his grandchildren!); an elderly woman who makes out with her college boyfriend but never has sex with him; and many, many more. I love how the author doesn't pass moral judgment on these alternative lifestyles.

Throughout the book, we get glimpses into the author's own marriage and its ups and downs. Spoiler alert: Her husband even takes a trip to Israel, which she thinks is a business journey, and surprises her by converting to her religion of Judaism!

There is even a chapter on how women cope with the empty nest syndrome, one on what makes marriage last, and one on elderly women, many of who rediscover sex through vibrators!

I found the advice in this book very inspiring. Bottom line: don't rely on your husband for all your inspiration, excitement, or even finances. It underscores the idea that you have to have your own life and not have the Hollywood expectations of enduring romance, or fairy tale expectations of a prince rescuing you from a dreary life.

In our day of divorce this book brings a timely message: don't leave your man just because he's imperfect (with the exception of abuse) thinking the grass will be greener with a new man, unbruised by a relationship history. She explains that the "seven year itch" is really eight years, and if you can just stick it out, you will have the rewards that come with a long term marriage.

Susan Schenck, author of Beyond Broccoli, Creating a Biologically Balanced Diet When a Vegetarian Diet Doesn't Work
and
The Live Food Factor: The Comprehensive Guide to the Ultimate Diet for Body, Mind, Spirit & Planet
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Gives you hope October 21, 2011
Format:Hardcover
This is a very funny, very true and so real book and you are sure to recognize yourself, and parts of your marriage, in one or more of these actual tales from the front lines. ladies, if you, too, are sort of slogging along in your long marriage, you are comforted (so are lots of other people) and inspired (one of the recurring themes in Krasnow's stories is that those who stick it out come out the other side truly contented and even happy). I recommend this for any wife out there -- or even a husband or two -- who wants to make their love last. It was also much fun to read -- and fast.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Good Book To Read If Marriage is For You
I pick this book up wondering if there was more to marriage than my Mother knew to tell me. She was married for 57 years , but she may have left a little bit out . Read more
Published 1 month ago by Beverly
3.0 out of 5 stars Want Your Marriage to Work? Be True To Yourself First
I received an ARC of The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married, by Iris Krasnow, a few months ago. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Melissa's Midnight Musings
2.0 out of 5 stars not what I expected
Thought this book was gonna offer some true valuable insight to what women do to make a marriage work. All the interviews are basically the same. Read more
Published 2 months ago by B. B. Bess
2.0 out of 5 stars WASP-y Drivel
I don't really read book reviews prior to reading a book as I find they either give away too much or I don't end up agreeing with the strong opinions stated by the other readers. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Laura Anderson
3.0 out of 5 stars Pessimistic View of Marriage
The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married by Iris Krasnow (an Oprah "Ten Titles to Pick Up Now" book) is a book that delves into the personal... Read more
Published 2 months ago by The Book Wheel
5.0 out of 5 stars The secret lives of wives
What a great book, "l love my husband, except when I hate him" - she gets it. I love it!
Published 3 months ago by Deborah Buchanan
2.0 out of 5 stars Whiney well off women
Romanticizes infidelity for women, some have the finanical means to escape temporarily; not the case for most married women. Whiney.
Published 3 months ago by Rose Roubideaux
2.0 out of 5 stars Bleak
I found this book to be depressingly bleak. The author writes from the perspective of a person who believes that marriage should be endured because, essentially, it's better than... Read more
Published 4 months ago by Iddh
2.0 out of 5 stars Shush!
If I had to hear one more time how long the author has been married or how many kids she has (4!) I was going to scream. Read more
Published 4 months ago by K. Tucker
5.0 out of 5 stars Informative book, well written and sociological study
The Secret Lives of Wives: Great book, well written, full of humor, based on interviews of many wives of different ages, social levels and ethnic backgrounds.
Published 4 months ago by claudine
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