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The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness (The Complete Guide to Passive Aggression Book 5) Kindle Edition

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Length: 66 pages Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Along my two careers as a family therapist first and a conflict resolver, I have more than 40 years of accumulated experiences dealing with all kinds of relationships. I've seen clients all over the world, and even experienced my own relationship conflicts while witnessing and helping others. Because of this experience, both professional and personal, I built my book-publishing and coaching company on a foundation made up of very important values. Instead of going into a long history about how I started, I'll share the values we support in my company through the work we do with others, also offered to you to support your personal transformation from conflict to joy.

I.- Any relationship is a contract.
Two individuals promise to help each other satisfy their needs. Thus, to support healthier relationships, we need to help people find new ways to identify and meet their personal needs in ways that will serve them and others in the long term. We teach you how to identify, explain and negotiate your personal satisfaction with your partner.

II.- Human beings need interpersonal conflict in order to grow.
Not everyone will tell you this. We fight in order to individualize and keep learning other lessons, but also to get the other person's attention. It is through relationships that people either rise to the most creative possibilities, or fall into the immobilizing trap of fear and stop growing.The key is to find the hidden need causing the confrontation and hurt, and apply more satisfactory ways of getting personal needs for love and connection solved.

III.- Hate and anger will poison your life, even if the person "deserves it."
You can even physically harm yourself by harboring too much negativity. The old hurts of abuse and neglect project a long shadow on our adult lives...So, learning to deal with inner and outer conflict can literally save your life by freeing you from stress.

NORA FEMENIA, Ph.D
Kindle Author, Conflict Coach, Public Speaker

Product Details

  • File Size: 281 KB
  • Print Length: 66 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.; Revised Edition, 2015 edition (August 21, 2012)
  • Publication Date: August 21, 2012
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0090XFBF2
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #23,370 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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More About the Author

All my life I have been fascinated by people's behaviors, partly because I am a curious being, but also because I wanted to master skills that would help me survive a difficult family environment. I often wrestle with questions such as: Why do people do what they do? what motivates them? and the most important: how is it that they don't realize the impact their behaviors cause on others?

As a child, it is natural to demand having our survival needs met and to display some lack of empathy as to how one's behavior impacts others or to perceive that others may have different worldviews.

Yet, as I developed into an increasingly introspective woman, I realized that such lack of empathy can go beyond the first stages of human life. Observing my mother's disciplinary tactics was an important source of questions. I wanted to know why she would not understand that her demanding approaches were making me less likely to abide by her rules. She was unconsciously fueling my rebellion, while hoping to instill docility.

And so I embarked on an intellectual journey aimed at answering such questions...

My extensive study of psychology, systems theory and conflict theory have all shaped my radical understanding of today: We are all interconnected, but struggle with recognizing this bond, because deep, real relationships come with pain tied to vulnerability and emotional transparency, the quintessence of close relationships.

Yet, the inalienable truth remains that human connection is the hallmark of humanity. The rise of individualism in western cultures belies this fact to our detriment, preaching that self-reliance is the model to adopt and emulate.

But our need for connection has been demonstrated by the scientific community and keeps manifesting continually around us, from cradle to life ending. This idea is what I try to convey to my Kindle readers, who can improve their understanding of relationships by using my focused question: "in what ways are we helping/hindering our reciprocal growth as a couple and as individuals?"

In particular, I explore the question: "how to deal with pain in a dysfunctional relationship, if being connected is a source of nurturance and joy?" How people can lose the fear of intimacy and allow themselves to feel connected and supported? How can we learn to create safe attachments with the people around us?

Some people comment that this is the most compassionate approach they found in relationship books or coaching. I believe that my empathetic approach of studying both parts of a toxic relationship enhances our conceptualizations of love, marriage and relationships. Human connection is a direct path toward growth, helping in the learning of life lessons such as empathy, patience, love and forgiveness. I hope that my message resonates with you. Happy to be here in our Kindle home!

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

115 of 119 people found the following review helpful By OneDayAtATime on February 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
After 24 years of marriage, I have finally found the answer. This book totally describes my life with my husband perfectly. Out of balance, off kilter, just not right but never being able to put my finger on it. Confused, feeling unloved, going a little more crazy as each year passes. His secrets, lies, withholding information, hiding things from me, justification for everything he did, the stonewalling, the silent treatment, not talking for weeks, etc. etc. and on and on. I was his adversary, but I could never convince him to stop. He battled me on everything. I could not figure out WHY? I reminded him over and over we were on the same TEAM. I could never get through to him. All the years of wasted energy, feeling like I have been through a war. I have become emotionally, mentally, and physically ill trying to be married to this man. Exhasted with no self-esteem or self-confidence left, I have realized there is no hope and I don't want to spend the rest of my life never getting any of my emotional needs met. Now on to the next chapter, trying to get away from him and divorce. Thank you Nora, for helping me realize I am not the crazy one. I am sad. I think about how my life and my children's lives could have been, had I married a normal, loving human being. I could have spent years focusing more on my girls than my crazy-making husband/relationship. I spent years being angry and depressed, my normal loving personality shot to hell. Everyone saw him as the nicest guy in the world and thought I was the crazy one. Actually, I was - he made me that way. My advice to anyone - get away from them if things seem not-quite-right. I only wish I could have done it long ago.
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36 of 36 people found the following review helpful By Gigi on June 12, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
This book is a very important read for any wife who has already figured out her husband is a passive aggressive, any who are trying to figure out the problem and ESPECIALLY good for those who plan to stay in the marriage with a passive aggressive husband. ANY WIFE THAT PLANS TO STAY, I highly recommend that you also read the second book which deals with how to handle passive aggressive behavior--because if you stumble around in it like I did, it will do great damage!!! So be informed--it's not enough to know that he is passive aggressive, you have to understand the effects on you long term and how to minimize the effect -if that's possible--to protect yourself. I personally am finally ready to leave. I figured out back in 2008 that my husband was passive aggressive not in the lay--annoying way, but in the serious you are wreaking havoc on me and our marriage and doing all the things described kind of way! Unfortunately he didn't want to hear it and so didn't read or take in any of the information. Fast forward five years and now he read the same article (I gave him again) and suddenly said ok, this sounds like me--it helps that a marriage counselor said he saw some passive aggressiveness in my husband and I had just calmly said to him- ok, I'm can't do this anymore. Unfortunately, it still did no good, he just suddenly started to use passive aggressiveness as an excuse for everything and then finally reverted back to saying he didn't even see how certain behaviors were even passive aggressive and of course with that reversion we're back to everything being my fault. Whatever, I don't care anymore, it's been 25 years of hell--sure everyday wasn't hell because they have to be charming sometime to reel you back in--but it always comes back.Read more ›
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42 of 43 people found the following review helpful By LaMaza on May 18, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
My husband breaks his promises, puts things off, is taciturn, occasionally gives me the silent treatment, and refuses to have sex with me. At my wit's end, I was told by a marriage counselor that my husband has passive-aggressive personality disorder, or PAPD, a deformation of character.

Hearing an actual diagnosis should have been a relief, as with a diagnosis one would expect a treatment. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Finding sensible advice was impossible, and I lived in despair for years searching in vain for answers and spent years nagging and appealing to my husband for fairness. Then I came across a blog and a series of small tomes by Dr. Nora Femenia. I wholeheartedly recommend reading all of Dr. Femenia's books, in particular, The Silent Marriage. In it, Dr. Femenia suggests strategies that will restore dignity to both partners. The most important, I felt, is to think of the passive aggressive as "a wounded, cornered animal" and to treat him well.

Since passive-aggression has its roots in severe psychological abuse in childhood, using a tender touch with a passive-aggressive husband will afford him a measure (perhaps his first measure) of safety and security. This and other tactics recommended by Dr. Femenia will not cure the passive-aggressive, but it will make a relationship with him easier and less contentious.

A caveat: The Silent Marriage is for the passive aggressive's partner. Dr. Femenia's "Stop Your Passive Aggression" (http://norafemenia.com/books/stop-your-passive-aggression/) is geared toward the husband. I have not read this book so I cannot speak to it but, but it seems obvious to me that regardless of how much better a relationship can get when a wife follows Dr.
Read more ›
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