For those women who have actually read this book (not just the back cover) and still find fault with its overwhelmingly simple premise-that of respecting your partner in life-I can only suppose that complete control is more important to them than happiness.
To be sure, reading the book and following through with Doyle's suggestions require courage. I'll admit that I bought the book on a lark, since its title and wildly differing reviews intrigued me-but, as I read through the first chapter I began to realize that I wanted what Doyle promised; I wanted happiness and fulfillment in my relationship, and I wanted my partner to adore me. Yes, the prospect of relinquishing control over my partner was uncomfortable and even frightening, but the final payoff was so much more appealing to me that I decided to follow through with the rest of the book.
Careful reading through this book reveals no mention of "submitting," and Doyle is careful to mention that no woman should ever surrender to an abusive husband or one who is in the grip of an addiction. But, this aside, the chances are that your husband is a worthwhile and loving man who deserves to be treated the way you want to be treated-with trust and respect. I accepted this premise by reasoning that it didn't reflect well on me and my own judgment if I had chosen to be with a man who was untrustworthy and incapable of making his own decisions-and so much so that I had to take over the management of his life.
What Doyle means when she says to "surrender" is to let go of unnecessary control over your husband's life. It does not mean to relinquish control of your own life to your husband. In fact, by giving up the day-to-day hassle of micro-managing your husband's life, you should find that you have abundant time and energy to devote to your own decision-making, self-care, and happiness.
This is what I discovered when I began to surrender in my own relationship. I am fortunate-as many women in this country are-to be with a wonderful and loving man who is also imperfect and frequently makes decisions I consider to be ridiculous. In surrendering I decided I would no longer criticize his choices, but instead trust his ability to make his own decisions and learn from whatever mistakes he might make. This is why Doyle advocates telling your husband, "Whatever you think" instead of imposing your own opinion on him. You are not accepting his decisions about his own life and his opinions simply because he is a man, but because he is a human being and the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.
I have read the entire book three times, and as a result of putting its principles into practice, I have found that my partner has become the dream-man that always wanted-attentive, loving, thoughtful. As for the excess time and energy I now have since I've given up the full-time job of managing my partner, I can now put that into more important activities, like my work (I am currently working toward a Ph.D. in astrophysics-who says smart, independent women don't surrender?) I find that I am no longer chronically dismal and anxious, and the result of this is that the time my partner and I spend together is now relaxed, spontaneous, and lots of fun. He has also started doing all the little things I always wanted him to do-notice my appearance, leave me little love-notes, and give me precedence over his friends and other activities. If my choice is between "equality" and being treated like a goddess, I'll take the latter.
I'm surprised at one of the common complaints about this book-its simplicity. No book can hope to be all things to all people. Doyle understands this principle of successful writing, focuses her argument, and allows others to extrapolate. Further, her simplistic style of writing (which I find a Godsend compared to the type of stuff I'm forced to read in my profession) makes it a joy to read-and far more accessible to a wide audience of busy women than an academic treatise on traditional gender roles. It is sheer intellectual snobbery to suppose that the insight and life experience of a woman are diminished by the fact that she writes clearly and doesn't hold an advanced degree.
Another complaint regards the inapplicability of Doyle's principles to problems one encounters in life, like the death of a family member or disabilities. Principles are something to guide us through difficulties. That aside, I'm not even sure why the death of a family member or a disability would excuse a woman for regularly mistreating her husband anyway.
As for the financial power-base of a relationship, Doyle is not advocating that all financial decisions be made by the husband. She merely suggests to wives that they let their husbands manage the monthly headache of paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If handing over money hassles to another person means transferring the power-base of the relationship, then somebody had better warn all those CEOs who rely on accountants to manage their finances for them.
I've yet to hear one plausible reason for why this book or the ideas in it are dangerous to women in any way-the hostility and resentment are generated by fear and fear alone. Those with the courage to look beyond the feminist manifesto (which does not speak for all women) and simply give up the notion that you can have complete control AND happiness will find that they have the latter in abundance.
