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The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It Hardcover – Bargain Price, August 25, 2008

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Editorial Reviews Review

Book Description

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won't stray? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat?

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, The Truth About Cheating presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays.

Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, The Truth About Cheating includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.

Amazon Exclusive: A Letter to Readers from the Author
M. Gary Neuman is a Florida psychotherapist, rabbi, creator of the internationally recognized Sandcastles Programs for children of divorce, and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Marriage. His work has received national media coverage including multiple appearances on Oprah, the Today Show, the View, and NPR, as well as appearances on Dateline, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America. He has been written about in numerous publications including People, Time, Cosmo, Parents, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald and elsewhere. Gary lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida.

Dear Reader,

I am very excited to share this book with you. The Truth about Cheating can be read by everyone, including people who may not be really concerned about their own personal situations but who want the knowledge and stories that the study provides. After more than 20 years as a marriage counselor, I've seen firsthand the overwhelming pain that cheating causes spouses and their families. When I searched for answers about why men cheat and found none, I decided that I would do a study to investigate the issue. For three years I worked on my research to find the truth about cheating and the results were astounding.

This book is about one thing and one thing only—empowering women. Men and women always want to know what the other sex is thinking. After reading this book you'll know the answers and this knowledge will not just reduce the odds of your husband cheating but more importantly will help you create a marriage that is mutually beneficial. Your husband will start listening and giving to you more than ever once you have a better understanding of him and his emotional needs.

It's astounding how much women are made to feel that they must be everything to and do everything for their men or else they'll stray. False. Only 12% of the cheating men in my study said the other woman was better looking than their wives. And only 8% said that sexual dissatisfaction was the primary issue at home when he cheated. Throw out your assumptions and everything you've been told and search with me for the truth in this book. In The Truth about Cheating, we’ll discuss the many things you can do to make your life and marriage better than ever.

You'll also hear the fascinating stories that women shared with me as part of my research and I hope the work they did to better their lives and marriages will inspire you as it did me. You will discover that although you are not to blame, and never responsible for your husbands' cheating, and not responsible for fixing the problem, there are clear, concise methods to create a connection in your marriage that will prevent tragedy from happening and will give you renewed confidence in your relationship.

I hope my research and work will begin a discussion of what all of us can do to have more meaningful marriages. Please let me know your thoughts and insights and also what you'd like to know from women who cheated—that's the next part of my research and this national conversation. Women today have choices and options and this book is meant to give more information and to respectfully begin the discussion about what people say about their cheating and what all of us can do to prevent it.

Thank you for honoring me with your interest in my work.

6 Warning Signs of Marital Infidelity

1. He spends more time away from home.
Most cheating men surveyed said that more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to or already involved in infidelity. Although you can’t keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, not just during work hours.

2. You have sex infrequently.
Only 43 percent of men surveyed said that frequency of sex with their wives decreased once the infidelity began. Why such a small number? Because in many struggling marriages at high risk for infidelity, couples only have sex about once every couple of months.

3. He avoids contact with you.
The contact you have with your husband, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether or not he is conscious of it.

4. He criticizes you more.
Often, cheating men will criticize their wives seemingly out of the blue. If you notice your husband criticizing you for things he used to find amusing, keep your eyes open for other signs.

5. He starts more fights with you.
The criticism mentioned above often leads to more fights. If your marriage becomes increasingly contentious, you may be at risk for infidelity.

6. He mentions another woman, a female "friend," in casual conversation.
Most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex. When your husband begins to talk about a woman at the office he really admires, he may be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face.

From Publishers Weekly

Neuman (Emotional Infidelity) attempts to arm wives with the tools to prevent their husbands from cheating by drawing upon questionnaires and interviews with 100 men who reported sexual affairs. According to the author's research, sexual dissatisfaction within their marriages rated fourth and emotional dissatisfaction first as reasons given for straying. Neuman notes that only 12% of cheating men said that the mistress was more physically attractive than their wives, thereby reinforcing findings that men were missing an emotional connection in their marriages (whether this is intended to serve as comfort to their wives is unclear). Neuman introduces The Innervoice Recognition Formula and Quick Action Program, challenging women to revise assumptions about marriage, make immediate behavioral changes and forge new bonds with their husbands, thereby deterring future dalliances. While some wives might find this book helpful, it is perhaps more likely that readers will wish that the author had devoted more time to holding the cheating husband responsible for his actions rather than putting the onus on wives to take preventive—and dubiously effective—measures. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Wiley (August 25, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0470114630
  • Product Dimensions: 6.4 x 0.9 x 9.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (40 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #7,790,337 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

M. Gary Neuman is a licensed family counselor and rabbi.  He is the author of the New York Times bestseller The Truth about Cheating, for which he appeared on Oprah twice as well as the Today show and The Early Show.   He is also the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and the very successful Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. He has been on Oprah and the Today  show many times as well as the View, Dateline NBC, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America.  Print coverage of Neuman and his work includes Time, People, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Parents, Parenting, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, and the Miami Herald.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

140 of 154 people found the following review helpful By John Zxerce on September 12, 2008
Format: Hardcover
For 'The Truth About Cheating', Neuman interviewed large numbers of men - both those who had cheated and who had not. His findings? Men blame being under-appreciated by their wives and thereby being 'emotional disconnected'. Even Neuman admits that sounds like whining and yet he moves ahead and works on that premise in order to tell women what to do to make their man feel appreciated.

In order to overcome their marital deficiencies Neuman claims he is helping wives by telling them to... always forgive him; give him sex on demand; lavish praise on him for providing for the family, rarely let him out on his own with friends or work colleagues; and take an interest in his hobbies.

The difficulty is, when does this become an act and when is it real? Is this approach manipulation? Does it put too much pressure on the wife?

Neuman writes nothing about developing a moral foundation of trust in your marriage. That is, what keeps a person from disregarding their vows to begin with? What fuels a healthy commitment to the other person whether it's easy or not? Those are the bedrock questions that Nueman forgets.

As a result, it may feel the author's advice ends up sacrificing the wife's needs and desires as they defer to their partner's needs. This might look like love, but it too easily devolves to pandering.

Neuman claims his work is dedicated to helping wives learn and change in ways that will significantly benefit both them and their husbands. That's a worthy undertaking when it's done together, mutually and out of a choice to care for the other person more than one's self. However, when it's done out of fear, or obligation, or desperation it can too easily devolve to something akin to slavery. That's what Nueman seems to miss.
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215 of 244 people found the following review helpful By Elisabeth on February 23, 2009
Format: Hardcover
Author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated on their wives. The husbands faulted their wives, claiming their wives didn't meet their sexual and emotional needs...and so, felt no other choice but to get a mistress to meet those needs instead.

At first, the author says women shouldn't be blamed for their husband's infidelity...but then spends the rest of the book advising women to meet his needs from now on so he won't have to cheat on her. But if she's not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it?

His solution is basically for wives to act more like the less complicated, less demanding, and totally accommodating mistresses these men are sneaking off to. The logic being, once she starts acting more like a mistress rather than a wife, then just like that...she'll have successfully "affair-proofed" her marriage and transformed a self-absorbed man into a considerate man who'd never cheat on her.

The author ignores many factors, though. For one, both the author and these men acted as if these men had no other choice but to get a mistress to solve problems, but these men DID have other choices. They could've:

1 -- Assertively asked their wives to meet their needs

If these men had unmet needs, it's up to THEM to vocalize those needs. It's unfair to ask a woman to play detective and read his mind.

2 -- Ask for a divorce

These husbands claimed they tried everything to make their marriages work, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't win. Assuming a known liar is telling the truth that he assertively asked for his needs to be met only to be coldly refused, then he should've left this sham of a marriage.
I suspect, though, that these men didn't try that hard.
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58 of 67 people found the following review helpful By Mind-Body-Spirit VINE VOICE on September 14, 2008
Format: Hardcover
This is an intriguing book with an interesting title that provides one perspective on the issue of cheating. If all men cheated for the same reasons, then a lot more women would have figured out how to deal with it by now. Since every man is different, it's possible that every man views marriage and the marriage vows a little differently, and thus may stray from his marriage for different reasons than every other man.

I agree that a loving, nurturing wife is an asset in any marriage, but I also know from firsthand experience, that being an attentive, nurturing, loving wife focused on her husband's happiness, does not a faithful husband make.

While I feel that this book makes some valid specific suggestions on how a wife can support her husband emotionally which is always good, I feel that being a supportive loving wife does not assure a faithful husband. In addition, I strongly disagree that a wife has the right to keep her husband from socializing on his own with male friends, one of the suggestions in the book. Unless your husband is 12, I think he has the right to socialize with whomever he chooses.

People who genuinely love each other prefer each other's company, so genuinely nurturing that love and friendship seems like the best way to assure that the love will continue. And like another reviewer, I feel that 2 emotionally mature people who love each other have the best chance for enjoying a successful, happy marriage.

I truly appreciated the author's male point of view and his suggestions, some of which I thought were great, but I question the basic premise of this book that there is a formula or a series of behavioral patterns a wife can adopt to keep her husband faithful.
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