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The terrible truth behind the jolly ol' elf
on December 17, 2009
This is the book I've been looking for ever since I was a parent. I just never knew it. Now when my children ask how Santa Claus can fit down the chimney or deliver millions of presents across the world in a few hours, I'll have the answer:
Santa is a bio-engineered immortal equipped by aliens with technology from the future.
At least that's the hypothesis of Gregory Mone, a contributing editor to Popular Science and author of The Truth about Santa: Wormholes, Robots, and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve. Mone uses his considerable scientific knowledge to explain how Santa, using technology that is still decades away for us mere mortals, can accomplish his herculean feats.
- Delivering presents across the globe in a single night? The work of an army of lieutenants utilizing wormholes built into our chimneys and windows.
- Flying reindeer? A myth; Santa uses a warp-powered sleigh for his personal transportation. (Because of the hazards of involved Santa shuns wormhole travel. His lieutenants are well compensated for the risk.)
- Elves making toys? Actually their main job is maintaining the huge IT infrastructure needed to support Santa's operations.
Mone has crafted a book that combines a wicked (and slightly NSFW) sense of humor with a survey of near-future tech, all wrapped in the peppermint shell of Santa's annual rounds. Adults will get a chuckle out of the science fiction-inspired explanations, but I expect children will suspect the truth: that Mone is just a patsy for Santa, throwing us off the trail.
As every child knows: it's all magic.