The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World [Hardcover]

Alan Downs (Author)

Book Description

Release date: May 24, 2005

Whether he is flamboyantly fashionable with a body chiseled to perfection or chronically dissatisfied and without lasting relationships, the stereotypical extremes of male gay behavior are fueled by the same dark force: shame.The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight man’s world, the experience of shame in childhood and adolescence sends a boy the message that he is other and that he is worthless. To avoid feeling shameful later in life—and even after he is no longer explicitly shamed by his sexuality—a gay man will quietly rage against the memory of this message and strive to excel dramatically to prove it wrong. The stereotypical manifestation of this inner battle is a gay man’s success in the arts, fashion and in his body image; as with all the other forms of beauty, creativity and success, he is hiding behind the facades he creates.Building on the collected psychological research and the author’s own experience of the past twenty years, The Velvet Rage will help gay men profoundly understand their dichotomous extremes. Explaining the psychological underpinnings of the forces at play in their lives, it also offers helpful strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and rage. Empowering and validating, The Velvet Rage will influence the public discourse on gay culture and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

With a title that plays on Janet Jackson's epochal 1997 LP The Velvet Rope, and its anatomy of unmet desire, therapist Downs's book describes the paradigmatic ways in which early childhood molds the future lives of gay men: scorned on the playground, disrespected by Dad, loved only by Mom until their first sex with men. Through this mechanism of rejection, gay men feel unlovable, correspondingly angry and, he says, driven to heights of creativity and "fabulousness"—in addition to shopping addiction and obsessions with fat, muscle and penis size—in a bid to distract themselves from their inner shame. For Downs, the only thing that will bring an end to this spiral of torment is, finally, "validation," which produces "authenticity." Downs is an engaging writer, though prone to repeating the same few points in different words, while his patients, quoted in sidebars, often make witty quips that rival Quentin Crisp for dry, bitter sarcasm. While many gay readers will fail to recognize themselves here, others will find Downs's logic warming and even generous.
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Review

"An immensely accessible, readable self-awareness book that...is definitely not for gay men only." -- Southwest Book Views Autumn, 2005

"There are certainly some readers who will find their own lives reflected in [Downs's patients'] healing." -- Q Syndicate6/20/05

"Will influence the public discourse on gay culture and positively change the lives of gay men who read it." -- Mom Guess What, 11/15/2005

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 224 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (May 24, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0738210110
• ISBN-13: 978-0738210117
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (104 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #668,954 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #32 in Books > Gay & Lesbian > Nonfiction > Coming Out

More About the Author

Alan Downs, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice located in Beverly Hills, California. He is the author of seven previous books and continues to write and hold workshops across the United States. He is actively involved in dialectical behavior therapy and is a member of the Beverly Hills DBT Team. Dr. Downs is the former CEO of Michael's House Treatment Center where he currently holds weekend workshops for families of those struggling with addictions. His current book, THE VELVET RAGE, has been acclaimed as "groundbreaking" for the gay male community. Dr. Downs has been a guest on many media programs including, THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, TODAY SHOW, and NPR's MORNING EDITION.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

78 of 82 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Buy this book -- you won't regret it! February 5, 2006

By Joseph Denney

Format:Hardcover

My copy arrrived yesterday, and it turns out that the publisher's review about the book on Amazon is completely misleading -- in fact, it's awful. Far from being a book centered on "fabulousness" (if there is such a word), creativity, and material success, this book describes just about every gay man I have ever met -- including me. While it does mention these subjects in passing, probably 99% of the book talks about how the kind of behavior we have come to think of as "normal" and even expect from gay men (judgmental, prone to gossip, secretive, perfectionist, quick to blame, body-image problems, and more) is a way of dealing with the feeling most of us have had from childhood -- that of being "second-class citizens."

Yes, these character traits do not apply to all gay men, but my guess is that at least one of the areas Dr. Downs talks about applies to every gay man on this board. The important thing to note is that this is not a book about blame, but rather explaining where these behaviors come from, and best of all, how to change them. For those of us who have never even seen a healthy gay relationship, much less been in one, he's got a whole chapter on those.

Trust me on this one, guys, BUY THIS BOOK! If you read it and it turns out none of what Dr. Downs talks about applies to you, then not only are you welcome to tell me so on this board, but if you're anywhere within driving distance of Los Angeles, I will take you out to dinner, because I definitely need more people like you in my life. For the rest of us, this book offers a picture of what an emotionally healthy gay man looks like, and a roadmap to getting there.

54 of 56 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Life Changing Book for Me May 16, 2006

By Ching-te Peng

Format:Hardcover

I had reviewed all the comments posted here before I purchased the book because I usually like to get some general ideas of books I am interested in. After receiving and reviewing my copy, I'd like to say this is a great book. This book is very valuable for me personally.

So I knew I was not the 'targeted audience' (a gay white male from a middle-class family) before I began the book. I am an immigrant in Canada who grew up in Asia and didn't come to North America for school until I was 18. With that in mind, I read it really carefully. I swear I couldn't agree more with almost all of his theories. Some of the chapters almost brought me to tears. I WAS ashamed of being gay for the longest time and was not even aware of it! If Dr. Downs' generalizing theories are also applicable to me, a foreign man to this continent, how does this work?

Next, I can only guess that Dr. Downs had to target the medium gay crowd in order to reach and communicate to the most numbers of gay readers efficiently. After all, most gay people ARE in the 'average' category in its own subculture. I just don't believe it was his intention to publish this book like it was the most indisputable and verified piece of clinical work. If this book is indeed a lengthy-research paper with numbers and formulas, how many people will be interested in and capable of reading that? I'd say it is much better for someone like him to write about something typical than no one writes about nothing at all. Generalization can be the beginning to a greater understanding.

It also frustrates me when some of the people below don't even bother to read carefully what Dr. Downs had to say about setting the book's parameter of topics and discussion before they review the book. He DID mention about lesbians and acknowledge their difficult coming out experiences as well. But like this book's title suggests, it is about "gay men," so what is so bad not to include lesbians and transgender/transsexuals?

A lot of the materials covered in the book are good advices for me. It does not cover the whole spectrum of coming-out experiences, but `complete perfection' shouldn't be the expectation you should impose onto this book. For someone searching anything close to the `truth' of being gay, this could be a good read.

PS. I have also purchased "Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael. This book, on the other hand, is much more clinically written than the Velvet Rage.

36 of 37 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must for any Clinician working with Gay Men! June 2, 2005

By Nesha Morse, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Format:Hardcover

Dr. Downs has written an honest and straight forward book that speaks to the direct effects of homophobia on the psychological development of gay men. In The Velvet Rage, the author has taken a tremendous risk with his honesty. He has been willing to expose the truth about how the invalidation of this culture has resulted in self-loathing, over-compensation, and high-risk behaviors in the gay community. It gives the reader a window into the potential "whys" of these behaviors which in turn validates the experience of the gay man.

Dr. Downs beautifully illustrates the problems through anecdotes from his psychology practice and his own life. I look forward to sharing this book with my gay male clients both adult and adolescent as well as parents and family members who are trying to understand their loved one. This book is a potential road-map or guide for how to avoid some of these outcomes with gay teenagers who may be starting to develop similar behaviors and character traits. It is a must read for anyone working with gay youth.

In addition, Dr. Downs suggests clear solutions and provides positive examples which instill hope and optimism. His suggestions on how to overcome or prevent these outcomes from developing come from his very solid understanding of cognitive behavioral theory and humanistic psychology. I highly recommend The Velvet Rage.