The most comprehensive lesbian sex guide ever published just got better. Along with information and encouragement for all sexual practices, from cunnilingus, strap-on sex, and anal penetration to vaginal fisting, S/M, and role play, Newman offers much new that is new—100 additional pages of the best sex information available to lesbian, bisexual, and queer women. New to this edition is a far-reaching chapter on sex and partnership which tells readers how to create lasting sexual relationships. Newman scoffs at the idea that hot sex and long-term relationships are mutually exclusive. "Whether you have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time," she says. Newman encourages her readers to use her book "as a resource filled with information, suggestions, tips and techniques, and support for discovering a sexuality that works for you." As publisher of Cleis Press since 1980, Felice Newman has developed and edited books on sexuality and gender by Susie Bright, Joan Nestle, Tristan Taormino, Patrick Califia, Carol Queen, Annie Sprinkle, Staci Haines, Loren Cameron, and Cathy Winks and Anne Semans of Good Vibrations. She really knows lesbian sex!
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, Second Edition Copyright @ 1999, 2004 by Felice Newman. All rights reserved. from Chapter 7 Communication and Finding Sex Partners
Where can you find sex partners? Well, just about anywhere. At school, in sessions of academic conferences, at work, at a bar, at a dance club, at the gym, on the subway, at a sex party, in a women’s studies class, in your queer youth group, at a 12-step meeting, at church or synagogue, while doing community activism, through introductions from friends, via ex-lovers (and even the occasional ex-husband), and of course on the Internet.
More specifically, you can meet sex partners while shopping for sex toys, at a Dyke March planning meeting, in line at the queer film festival, at the women’s basketball playoffs, on parent/teacher night at your child’s preschool, while marching in your local Pride parade, at the International Ms. Leather competition, at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, at Novice Night at your local S/M group, in your neighborhood queer bookstore, through your polyamorous lovers, and in the park while walking your dog.
GEOGRAPHY, NOT DESTINY
Whether you live in Louisville or London, the basics of meeting potential sex partners are the same. Sure, finding lovers becomes difficult when you can count the dykes on your campus on your fingers—and still have a couple left over to vent your frustration! If your town boasts few queer social resources, you'll have to muster all your creativity (and self-confidence) to find sex partners. But even in cities with bustling queer communities—New York, London, Berlin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Sydney—the well seems to run dry at times. You can fly to San Francisco for the annual Pride parade, line up on Market Street with the cheering crowd half a million strong, and overhear an adorable pierced-and-tattooed dyke complain that she can't find a lover. Deprivation thinking will keep you, well, deprived. Honestly, if you think negatively enough, you'll discover a dyke shortage in P'town at the height of summer. Want to find a girlfriend, a trick, fuck buddy, or summer fling? Indulge yourself in every erotic delight at your disposal—especially your own erotic imagination and capacity for self-pleasure. And in the meantime, learn how to talk about sex. There's more to finding sex partners than moving to a city with favorable demographics or buying a new black leather miniskirt—though you will look irresistible in the East Village. Before you rent the U-Haul or spend next week's paycheck, learn some basic communication skills. You'll be a more confident and competent partner—and you'll learn about yourself in the process.
TALK, TALK, TALK
Desire—communicated in no uncertain terms—is a gift we give each other. Think of your tongue as a sex toy (not just for oral sex) and of sex talk as foreplay. Your words can stoke the fires as effectively as kisses and caresses. Some of us love to talk dirty. We whisper sensual promises into eager ears. We send salacious emails in the middle of the workday. We leave outrageously graphic notes in gym lockers, patent leather purses, billfolds, underwear drawers, and peeking out from the floor mat in the Honda—on the driver’s side, of course. We have long, wet phone conversations. We spend days online cruising chatrooms for eloquent lovers. We make home movies. We tape ourselves having sex, and, as one woman relates, we hit the playback button again and again and again.
Effective sexual communication is the single most useful erotic skill you can bring to a lover. As Susie Bright says, "No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get fucked in the ass." Sexual communication includes being able to articulate your desires, fantasies, history, limits, and concerns—and being able to listen without judgment to those of your partners. Communication skills carry a big payoff: Your sex life improves dramatically as you gain fluency in the vocabulary of your own desires. When you can tell a partner what you want—in plain language—she’ll be more likely to meet your needs. Your partner will be inspired by your forthright manner, too. Soon, she’ll be telling you things she’s never said aloud before.
Asking your partner what she likes will also improve your sex life. You’ll find out exactly how she likes to be touched, which will make you a better lover. You needn’t worry about appearing inexperienced if you ask your lover how she likes her clitoris licked. Even if you’ve gone down on a hundred other women, you still don’t know how she likes it. Asking is the mark of a sophisticated lover. It’s a great way to get used to talking about desire, too. If you’re too shy to open up a dialogue about your needs, start with hers. (Just don’t forget to come back to you.)
Talking about sex won’t ruin the mystery or spontaneity of your erotic encounters. The romantic myths that great sex "just happens" and that a skilled lover can intuit your needs are just that—myths. Once you’re open about your sexual practices and fantasies, you can stop wondering whether you’re "normal." As soon as you start telling friends and lovers the scenarios that fuel your dreams, you’ll find out that you are hardly unique. Many people share your fantasies. In fact, some of your friends may come up with turn-ons even more kinky than yours.
Finally, communication is how you practice consent. Even if you know what you want, you can't give (or withhold) consent without communicating it.
