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What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? ... I Need Them for the Fruit Salad! Paperback – Import, January 1, 1995


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 256 pages
  • Publisher: Time Warner; New Ed edition (1995)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 075151005X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0751510058
  • Product Dimensions: 7.6 x 5.1 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,599,890 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

"I just wanted to return a lost book!
F Bomber
I live on an 80% fruit salad diet, so this book helped me increase my food intake.
Mark Twain
Only the strong-willed should undertake reading this book.
C. Jenkins

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

205 of 217 people found the following review helpful By C. Jenkins on July 28, 2009
Format: Paperback
First of all, a warning. This book is packed with such useful and POWERFUL information, it should be approached with caution. Amazon has not provided a synopsis, and rightly so. I attempted to download a summary to my computer and my monitor EXPLODED. Normally, I would complain to the author and demand a refund, but the mere opportunity to witness this miracle of written word is payment for my loss ten times over.

In addition to the eternal question "What are these strawberries doing on my nipples?", you'll also learn life saving information, such as answers to questions like "Should I be concerned that an as of yet unidentified rodent species has taken up residence in my colon?" Additionally, you'll find instructions including battle tactics, suggested weaponry and equipment, and other fun facts for assailing the lost city of Atlantis to wrest control from the resident Merlords, giving you an access to a rare element that is known to give chewing gum viagra-like properties (for Asians and Serbs only, unfortunately). I save further examples for fear of your safety.

The only negative I can give about this book is the fact that reaching the end of it will give you an intense sadness. The only parallel I can construct for the amount of sorrow this will cause is to beseech you to imagine yourself as a T-rex in a room full of T-ball poles and large soapy bubbles. Your stubby arms would render the pleasure-power of this room woefully out of reach. Only the strong-willed should undertake reading this book.
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520 of 571 people found the following review helpful By F Bomber on July 28, 2009
Format: Hardcover
First, I have to admit that I did not buy this book at Amazon. Instead, I found a well-read copy jammed next to my seat on a Greyhound bus. I was broke, having spent my last $[...] on a one-way ticket from Phoenix to someplace better. Any place better. My ticket said Seattle, But I never wanted to go to Seattle. The truth is, I wanted to go to San Francisco, but I was afraid to say it. I was worried that the old man behind the glass would think I was a fag if I bought a ticket there. So I just said the name of the closest city I could think of.

So anyway, the book. I found it as soon as I sat down on the bus. The bright red cover, showing a buxom blonde leaning submissively forward, revealing cleavage a guy could fall into, really caught my attention. I held the book, thinking how lucky I was to have found something to read as we crossed the desert. And then, a moment later, I just felt dirty. I mean, this was somebody else's book, and just keeping it for myself felt like stealing. I checked with the bus driver to make sure I had time, and I took the book to the ticketing desk to see if anyone had reported it missing.

"Excuse me," I said through the small hole in the bullet resistant glass. "Did anyone lose a book called 'What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples: I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!'?"

The lady behind the counter picked up the phone.

"I found this book in my seat," I said, pressing the cover to the glass. "I think somebody might have lost it. Maybe it's important to them."

I watched her glazed, half-lidded eyes scan the cover. First she looked at the cleavage, and the title, and then back at the cleavage.

She dialed the phone, and talked quietly into the mouthpiece.
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223 of 245 people found the following review helpful By M. Thompson on July 25, 2009
Format: Paperback
I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa!

It would have been a five star rating, but it fails to explain the smell of brimstone whenever I open this book, or the man in clown makeup tied up in my basement. (Was the makeup there before I tied him up, or did I apply it? This question keeps me up at night) Still: if you have similar problems, this book is for you.
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94 of 110 people found the following review helpful By Nathan Kemp on July 28, 2009
Format: Hardcover
I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I've had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don't know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup.

I would have given it one star but added an additional one for the all caps title.
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38 of 47 people found the following review helpful By Charles J. Guiteau on November 10, 2009
Format: Paperback
It was the summer of 1993 when I met Akando, a Native American in his mid-50's from the Appache tribe, at a truck stop somewhere in the American Southwest. I had recently set out on a cross country journey from my home town of Albany, where I had been ridden out of town for a seductive new dance I called "The Seduction", also for arson. I took to hitchhiking my way from town to town, doing odd jobs in exchange for room and board. Carpenter in Maryland, wet nurse in Atlanta, astronaut in Cape Canaveral... I did what I had to do to survive. My ultimate goal was sunny Portland, land of hope and city of dreams.

Starting a new life always seems like a good idea at the time, especially for convicted arsonists... no more trials, no more stares at the Piggly Wiggly from Old Man Jennings who thinks he's better than you because he didn't burn down the library, no more libraries calling out your name in the middle of the night screaming at you to grab your arson kit and once again feel the power of almighty flame, but starting over isn't that easy. Not with the better part of the U.S. Marshal's office hunting you down, always one step behind you.

Hiding in plain sight, I thought, would be my best option and the Wichita school board needed a new chairman. Little did I know how corrupt and drug-crazed local school boards can be. Jeremy, my new lover, tried to warn me to no avail. No one told me how easy it would be to take money intended for a new gymnasium and turn it into a mountain of cocaine and my own Russian sex slave Annia. But Jeremy would have none of that and both wound up dead in an apparent murder-suicide. That was when I knew it was time to resign my post in the Wichita school board.

The next several months are a blur...
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