They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life [Paperback]

Oliver James (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 21, 2005

In this groundbreaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. In a remarkable analysis of science and popular culture, James combines the latest research with revealing case studies, interviews, and biographies with the likes of Michael Jackson, Mia Farrow, and Prince Charles to prove his point. In addition to presenting his findings, James explains how they can be a source of liberation in our lives. Through the use of provocative questions and insightful examples, he helps readers better understand the way their childhood past is affecting their present and how to "be your own scriptwriter." He also argues that his findings could have huge implications for society as a whole. A top-seller and recipient of significant attention in the U.K., They F*** You Up is an opinionated, entertaining read which causes us to ponder the origins of our present behavior.

Editorial Reviews

Review

'A classic. An absolute, slam-dunk tour-de-force guaranteed to make you think more deeply than ever about what made you who you are. Oliver James gets us to prise open all the cobwebbed cupboards of our lives and teaches us how to dust down and tidy up the mess we find inside ... It may be the most frightening book since The Shining, but it's also the most helpful since the Highway Code' Jeremy Vine 'With fascinating case studies from Prince Charles to Jeffrey Archer, this accessible book explains how our childhood experiences dramatically shape our lives' Daily Mail 'He presents some compelling evidence for his case in this popular examination of recent research into how we develop ... An interesting read' Irish Times 'Taking Larkin's words as a starting point, psychologist Oliver James looks at what makes us what we are and argues forcibly in favour of nurture, claiming that how we are cared for during early childhood is the fundamental factor' Daily Express --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

From the Publisher

"If every parent were forced to read it before raising a child, it would do greater good for the happiness and prosperity of this country than any number of government initiatives." —Alain de Botton, author of How Proust Can Change Your Life (on the UK edition)

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Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (December 21, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1569243239
• ISBN-13: 978-1569243237
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 5.8 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #571,690 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

30 of 30 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Captivating, January 24, 2006

By 

A. Bassuner "not your mother broom stick" - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life (Paperback)

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life has been a captivating read for me. This book questions the all too simple "gene approach" in explaining what makes up a person's personality, how we interact with others in society and our current life situation. James has vividly illustrated by referring to a great number of studies that the care we receive as children correlates with how apt we are in successfully integrating into society and how likely we are to live rich and fulfilling lives. The identical twin studies, inmate studies and discussed examples of the latter that James provide in his book were the most revealing to me and greatly support his nurture vs nature standpoint. His very relevant discussions of attachment theory, conscience and sense of self tie in well for a greater understanding of personality shaping and our patterns of behavior and perhaps outlook on life that tend to become engrained into our brains from early infancy. This revelation of course gives reason for hope in that our brains are malleable and that with therapy reversal of damage is possible. Anyone with a curiousity for learning about personality shaping, anyone thinking of raising children or those already parents would benefit from reading this book.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This Book Made Me More Forgiving, October 14, 2008

By 

Waiting for Mr Goodbook "Georgie" (Sydney, Australia) - See all my reviews

This review is from: They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life (Paperback)

I am not an academic, but I am interested in what makes people tick. This book has helped me to see another side and helped me to understand my friends more than any other book has. I LOVE THIS BOOK!!

Although a little dry, I learnt something new on every page. Interestingly, I found myself more accepting and more forgiving of those who I was struggling with. What I was looking for was an excuse to dump these 'difficult' people. Instead, this book helped me to foster better relationships through deeper understanding. What made me read this book? The title. I saw the title and I burst into laughter. (The title refers to a poem by Philip Larkin.)

I have recommended this book to all my friends because it has come the closest to explaining why I am who I am and why they are who they are. He is the only author I have ever read who explains why parents are different with every child they have. I have witnessed this, I have lived this, but parents will always go to great pains to tell you that they treat their children exactly the same way. RUBBISH!! Read this book just for that. Just read this book, it is a real eye opener.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must read, for anyone who thinks they are psychological, March 27, 2010

By 

A. Binder (VALLEJO, CALIFORNIA, US) - See all my reviews
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Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life (Paperback)

This is a wonderful, well written, highly thoughtful and rather provacative book. It thoroughly, and compellingly discusses the importance of parenting (nurturance) upon how we become the people we are. It likely will go against the grain for those who so pervasively and unpsychologically, try and medicalize mental health, or focus upon genetics. Indeed, the manner in which we were nurtured is clearly identified as having an effect upon our personal/psychological chemistry (as opposed to the other way around).

Oliver James is a great writer, who shares his own experiences and talks about the importance of nurturance, or the lack therof, in the upbringing of people such as Prince Charles, Jeffrey Archer, and Woody Allen, among many interesting others. This really is a unique and valuable book and I'd encourage you to look through it's pages and then dive right in; it doesn't really matter if you start in the middle and then migrate back to the beginning.

I started re-reading the book the day following the first time I had read it, cover to cover. This is an important read for anyone who really wants to see what their parents did to them and how our problems are a direct reflection of the manner in which we were or were not nurtured by our caregivers, primary among them parents, and surrogates. The book discusses related scientific research in a clear, rational, thoughtful manner. The writing is insightful and original.

They F*** You UP is a good call to the way in which we can work towards changing the damage done by our parents through better life experiences, better relationships, and good therapy. Simply reading this book can put you on a good road towards feeling better and stronger.