They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life (Paperback)

~ Oliver James (Author) "On New Year's Eve 1980, a young American named John Hinckley made an audiotape of himself singing one of John Lennon's songs, "Oh Yoko..." (more)
Key Phrases: unempathic care, benign conscience, emotional audit, Monica Coghlan, Rufus May, Frank Williams (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description

Do your relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Have you always enjoyed being the center of attention? Do you feel trapped by your family’s expectations of you? Do you find yourself sounding more and more like your mother? Or your father?
In this groundbreaking contribution to the "nature vs. nurture" debate, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is primarily our first six years of upbringing that determines our behavior as adults. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. In an entertaining and informative combination of science and popular culture, James presents the latest research and revealing case studies of, among others, George W. Bush, Mia Farrow, Michael Jackson, and Prince Charles to prove his point. Along the way he provides provocative questions and examples to help you better understand the impact of your childhood past and make changes to improve your future. A bestseller and recipient of significant attention in the U.K., They F*** You Up is a bold and provocative book which will cause you to seriously ponder who you are and how you became that way.

From the Publisher

"If every parent were forced to read it before raising a child, it would do greater good for the happiness and prosperity of this country than any number of government initiatives." —Alain de Botton, author of How Proust Can Change Your Life (on the UK edition)

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Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (December 20, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1569243239
• ISBN-13: 978-1569243237
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #388,337 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Captivating, January 24, 2006

By	A. Bassuner "not your mother broom stick" - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life has been a captivating read for me. This book questions the all too simple "gene approach" in explaining what makes up a person's personality, how we interact with others in society and our current life situation. James has vividly illustrated by referring to a great number of studies that the care we receive as children correlates with how apt we are in successfully integrating into society and how likely we are to live rich and fulfilling lives. The identical twin studies, inmate studies and discussed examples of the latter that James provide in his book were the most revealing to me and greatly support his nurture vs nature standpoint. His very relevant discussions of attachment theory, conscience and sense of self tie in well for a greater understanding of personality shaping and our patterns of behavior and perhaps outlook on life that tend to become engrained into our brains from early infancy. This revelation of course gives reason for hope in that our brains are malleable and that with therapy reversal of damage is possible. Anyone with a curiousity for learning about personality shaping, anyone thinking of raising children or those already parents would benefit from reading this book.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Please enter a title for your review:, May 10, 2009

By	pancake_repairman "pancake_repairman" (gfjdhgfjhgj) - See all my reviews

aside from the section on attachment patterns i found this book interesting more for the questions it raised than the answers it provided. the main thing i got from this book is giving up my assumption that everyone else basically views things the same way i do and i just need to find the right approach to get them to realize it or admit it. the way the author puts people into categories correlates more with reality as i've experienced it than the previous assumptions i had do. if you've spent a lot of time trying to get people to realize or admit that they view things the same way you do, and thinking that you just need to find the right approach to get them to realize or admit it (this seems to be the basis for most arguments), this book might help you realize that there is no right approach because most people are not as fundamentally similar to you as you think.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This Book Made Me More Forgiving, October 14, 2008

By	Waiting for Mr Goodbook "Georgie" (Sydney, Australia) - See all my reviews

I am not an academic, but I am interested in what makes people tick. This book has helped me to see another side and helped me to understand my friends more than any other book has. I LOVE THIS BOOK!!

Although a little dry, I learnt something new on every page. Interestingly, I found myself more accepting and more forgiving of those who I was struggling with. What I was looking for was an excuse to dump these 'difficult' people. Instead, this book helped me to foster better relationships through deeper understanding. What made me read this book? The title. I saw the title and I burst into laughter. (The title refers to a poem by Philip Larkin.)

I have recommended this book to all my friends because it has come the closest to explaining why I am who I am and why they are who they are. He is the only author I have ever read who explains why parents are different with every child they have. I have witnessed this, I have lived this, but parents will always go to great pains to tell you that they treat their children exactly the same way. RUBBISH!! Read this book just for that. Just read this book, it is a real eye opener.