They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy [Hardcover]

Francine Russo (Author)

Book Description

Release date: January 26, 2010

Your parents are growing older and are getting forgetful, starting to slow down, or worse. Suddenly you find yourself at the cusp of one of the most important transitions in your life—and the life of your family. Your parents need you and your siblings to step up and take care of them, a little or a lot. To make the right things happen, you will all need to work together. And yet your siblings may have very different ideas from yours of what’s best for Mom and Dad. They may be completely uninterested in helping, leaving you with all the responsibility. Or they may take charge and not allow you to help, or criticize whatever help you do give. Will you and your siblings be able to reach an understanding and work together, or will the challenges you face tear you apart? 

    Most of us enter this period of our lives unprepared for the difficult decisions and delicate negotiations that lie ahead. This is the first book that provides guidance on the transition from the “old” family to the “new” one, especially for adult siblings. Here you’ll find practical advice on a wide range of topics including
 
• Who will make major medical decisions, manage finances, and enforce end-of-life choices if your parents cannot? And how will this be decided and carried out?
• How will you negotiate caregiving issues and deal with unequal contributions or power struggles?  
• How can inheritance and the division of property, assets, and personal effects be handled to minimize hurt feelings and resentment?
• How will you cope with the natural reemergence of unresolved childhood rivalries, hurts, and needs?
• How can caring for your parents be an enriching experience rather than a thankless chore?
• Most important, how can you ensure the best care for your parents while lessening conflict, guilt, anger, and angst?
 
    Written by a veteran journalist who chronicles life and how baby boomers live it, They’re Your Parents, Too! offers all the information, insight, and advice you’ll need to make productive choices as you and your siblings begin to assume your parents’ place as the decision-making generation of your family.

    Filled with expert guidance from gerontologists, family therapists, elder-care attorneys, financial planners, and health workers; resonant real-life stories; and helpful family negotiation techniques, this is an indispensable book for anyone whose parents are aging.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Russo is so insightful, so psychologically acute and compassionate that she held me rapt for the whole book...They're Your Parents, Too! is the first book of it's kind I have ever read and I am extremely grateful to Russo for giving us her wisdom and the help of the experts whose voices guide us through what is an extremely difficult passage for us all." –Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, University of Washington and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years

 "Francine Russo has written a stunning book about one of the most complex but ignored times of human transition—the sibling relationships when parents are in decline and then die. Taking over often becomes a sibling struggle—and therein lies the core of Francine Russo's uplifting book." –Pauline Boss, Professor Emeritus, University of Minnesota and author of Ambiguous Loss 
 
 “I wish Francine Russo had been my tutor as I faced my own mother’s decline and death. All the issues that came up for my brother and sister and me are addressed so accurately and compassionately in this book. This is a manual that shows us how to negotiate a healing path through our parents’ final challenge, and prepares us for our own.” –David Richo, PhD., author of When the Past is Present and How To Be An Adult
 
“This book by Francine Russo will be enormously helpful to siblings struggling with the  many challenges posed as their parents grow older.” –Robert N. Butler, M.D. President and CEO, International Longevity Center, Founding director of the National Institute on Aging
 
“Interesting, relevant, insightful! Anyone who reads this book will find something that opens a window to new thinking about themselves and their relationships. Russo has really done her homework.  I’m recommending this to everyone I know who’s having sibling issues around their parents—and that’s practically everyone I know.” –Harriett Balkind, founder of SNOETY.COM (SECRETS NO ONE EVER TOLD YOU ®)
 
“Even I, who practice mediation for a living and am able to help people with their difficult conversations, found it extremely difficult to start my own family’s discussions about caring for our mother without help from outside. Now I am committed to helping families find ways to have such conversations, using Francine Russo’s useful and engaging book as a springboard.” –Brigitte Bell, Brigitte Bell Mediation, Evanston, IL

“More than a how-to book, this groundbreaking work illuminates a difficult stage of life."–Library Journal

About the Author

Francine Russo is a widely recognized journalist who covered the boomer beat for Time magazine for nearly a decade and authored the “Ask Francine” column. She has also written for The Atlantic, The New York Times Magazine, Redbook, Family Circle, Ladies Home Journal, Self, Glamour, and The Village Voice. A mother of two and stepmother of three, she has a Ph.D. in English and lives in Manhattan.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Bantam; 1 edition (January 26, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0553806998
• ISBN-13: 978-0553806991
• Product Dimensions: 6.3 x 1.2 x 9.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #102,120 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #34 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Siblings
  • #54 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Aging Parents
  • #80 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Parent & Adult Child

More About the Author

Francine Russo is a widely recognized journalist known for being among the first to spot developing trends, particularly in her own boomer generation. Keenly attuned to psychological themes, she has honed the intimate interview, drawing her subjects to discover and articulate their own deepest feelings--talents she mined in her appearances on Oprah and other venues. Her New York Magazine cover story "Live-in Divorce" became an instant classic and was recently reprinted as one of the magazine's best stories of the last 40 years. Her in-depth New York Times Magazine profile of Hedda Nussbaum generated unanimous critical acclaim, and her pieces for The Atlantic sparked media debate and were widely anthologized. For nearly a decade Russo covered the boomer beat for Time magazine and in 2004 established a popular niche, becoming Time magazine's boomer expert in her regularly featured "Ask Francine" column. She has developed an enthusiastic following with her frequent articles in media like Redbook, Family Circle, Ladies Home Journal, and The Village Voice, where she also was a theater critic for over a decade. Her 2005 Time article, "Who Cares More for Mom" attracted wide attention and was the genesis for her book. In 2009 she became a New York Times Fellow at the International Longevity Center.

A former college professor, she has spoken frequently before groups, participated on seminar panels and has appeared on television and radio. She brings a rich personal history to her writing as a daughter, sister, wife, widow, mother of two, and stepmother of three. She has a Ph.D. in English and lives in Manhattan.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars They're Your Parents, Too! Great Tool For Caregivers February 23, 2010

By Carol Bradley Bursack

Format:Hardcover

Francine Russo ...has given caregivers one of the best books on sibling issues I've read....I'd recommend this hopeful and healing book to any family having misunderstandings over parent care. Russo is realistic in that many families are broken from the beginning and that these demons from the past are bound to come back, magnified, once parent care begins. If you never felt you got the love you deserved from a parent because your sibling "hogged the spotlight," you are likely to find yourself acting out in ways that are going to throw a kink in the machinery of elder care.Russo offers some suggestions that can help adult children work through, or if necessary around, these issues. Will reading this book transform every family into the Waltons? Probably not. But Russo's book does give many valuable tips to help you and your siblings understand the roles you play in caregiving and appreciate each other's viewpoint. It won't replace family counseling, but it's a great tool.

Carol Bradley BursackMinding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent, helpful book! ***** March 14, 2010

By CJ Moore

Format:Hardcover

So glad we were told about this book. "They're Your Parents, Too!" is a sensitive, practical, serious, yet also humorous, book. The author, Francine Russo, was familiar to us from many years of reading her articles in Good Housekeeping, Village Voice, Time, etc., and her great column in Time, "Ask Francine" which helped me, my colleagues, family and friends, on elder business and social concerns. In this new book, Ms. Russo does a fantastic job of focusing on the issues many of us in the baby-boomer generation are facing. For me, as a sibling having an elderly parent, this book taught me to see and feel issues from my parent's perspective, and, most importantly, from my siblings perspectives. Through her case studies and excellent professional resources, Ms. Russo has "zeroed-in" on the issues that cause many of us to alternatively feel guilty, self-righteous, inadequate, and confused, as she provides solutions, in a very encouraging way. I also like the catch-phrases lessons {e.g. "You can keep the damn jack"}, to remember the messages, and to laugh at ourselves for our pre-conceived ideas, and how they can be so wrong. We highly recommend this book for siblings who have aging parents, clergy, mental health professionals, guardians, caregivers, and everyone in the field of gerontology.
Thanks, Ms. Russo, for your help through this terrific book.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read March 6, 2010

By M. Steward

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I am 76 and took care of all four of our parents over a period of 15 years. If only I had had this book! It nailed all the problems and gave useful advice on how to deal with them, especially if you are the one "on location." I am about to purchase a copy for each of my 4 children, because the time is coming for my husband and myself. I hope they don't stay in such a state of denial as they are now and read it and think about it.
The hurt and anger regarding care of a parent is almost unavoidable. But if at least one sibling has read a book like this, that person may very well be able to negotiate a better outcome.

One thing that this author suggests often is an intermediary of some kind, social worker, pastor, others. In the 70s and 80s when this was happening to us, there was no one. Our pastor was helpful, but didn't have any real insight. The best resource proved to be the support groups for Alzheimer's caretakers. It would seem that our aging population has brought about assisted living residences and other facilities that didn't exist back then.