Customer Reviews

20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed..Discover the Unique Need of Your Adopted Child and Become the Best Parent You Can

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Sherrie's new book resonated with me as an adoptive parent on so many levels. Parenting is a tough job, and understanding the heart language of our adopted daughter can be challenging. As an adoptee herself, Sherrie helped me to see that I sometimes view adoption-related issues much differently than my child. She gave me lots of practical ideas to cultivate healthy conversations while my child is young, and at each step of her development. Having read this book, I felt encouraged, energized and empowered to parent. I loved all of the real-life examples from other adoptive parents that helped me understand I'm not alone on this amazing journey with my child. I appreciated the fact that while the book has lots of anecdotes, it's based on research with over 100 other adoptive parents. I'd recommend it to any adoptive parent who needs encouragement to continue in their invaluable role. What a privilege it is to raise these amazing kids. I'm glad to have Sherrie as a guide along the way.

...that if there were only one "right way" to handle everything, then there would only need to be one book. As an adoptive mom of two internationally adopted children who were not babies, I have an entire library of adoption literature from about 50 different authors, each with his/her own "take" and guidance through the adoption process and beyond based on their own experience and research. Many of them would have scared me away from adoption at all had I read them prior to, but all of them have had some valuable insight, and have been helpful in some way. Some much more than others, and Sherrie's books (I've read both of the "20 Things..." books)have been extremely enlightening and useful, at least with my own experiences and situations with my kids.
I think that's what you have to remember-- no one book is going to provide all of the information and answers to your own individual adoption issues and experiences, and I don't believe any of the authors, including Ms. Elderidge, would claim to do so. Unless you are a "reviewer" and only read the book in order to rate it, it would seem that as an adoptive parent and/or adoptee, there must have been some reason why you decided to check out this book. If you found it helpful in any way, than it was worth the read. If not, and you could not find yourself relating to any of the information or experiences written, then so be it and move on to the next one... Personally, after reading the first book and referring to it many times, I was not disappointed at all after reading this one. I am quite sure that many adoptive parents wish that there was also a book about the OTHER 20+ things we may need to succeed...! Since there is no "one size fits all" book that completely covers such a personal, emotional, and highly controversial subject, I applaud Ms. Elderidge for sharing her own very personal journey and expertise with whoever may be able to relate and benefit from it. That's why people write books....

"Twenty Things Adoptive Parents Need To Succeed" is another of the wonderful books by the renown adoption expert, Sherrie Eldridge. As an adult adoptee, I found this book would have helped my adoptive parents to give voice to feelings which I stuffed for many years. Just having those feelings expressed in print, rather than always being buried below the surface, would have been a huge help to my adoptive parents. After you read this book, you will want to read all the fine works by Sherrie Eldridge, as well as connecting to her wisdom through her website and her blog: [...] and [...] One of the ways in which Sherrie has helped to give voice to the adopted is very visual, which she describes as, "THE BEAUTIFUL BRAID OF ADOPTION...Long ago in eternity past, God determined that He would make a beautiful braid, and He called it Adoption. The braid has four ribbons: red for the adoptee, green for the birth parents, purple for the adoptive parents, and the golden strand for His Sovereignty that weaves our lives together...God planned who my birth parents would be and who my Mom and Dad would be. Both influences, plus His, are needed to help us become all that He created us to be." Sherrie validates the worth of every person involved in adoption--what a gift!

I am an adoptive parent and this book has been so helpful! It offers websites and additional resource books. It also dialed into how I was completely feeling and validated my feelings. The highlight of this book is at the end of each chapter the book offers ways to relate and know how your child is feeling at each developmental level: preschool, elementary years, teen years and adulthood.

If you are an adoptive parent (counselor or social worker) this book is important. Readers who have experienced adoption or who know anyone well who has will understand the contents of this book. Those who have no experience with adoption may misconstrued the book's contents as something it is not. It's all in the perspective of the beholder. Many questions adoptive parents and extended family members have about adoption are here. The bibliography is filled with roughly 125 references. Sherri Eldridge has focused in this book (one of three books of "The Eldridge Trilogy"*) on how parents can approach a wide range of situations in which adoptive parents find themselves. This book is a god-sent for adoptive parents who just can't seem to find ways to deal with their child as s/he grows physically, cognitively, emotionally and socially. Kids become more "aware" of adoption and all that it encompasses gradually. Each child's awareness is different as they age. The book is divided into 20 chapters, each chapter ends with valuable Support Group Discussion Questions. These support questions are also helpful if you don't have, or want/need, a support group. The chapters include such things as knowing when and how to talk about birth and adoption, being different as a "good thing" and what comforts your child; it addressed guilt, perfectionism, stress, "real-parent" questions, and much more. Chapter 5 includes a chart that plots the adopted child's changing view of adoption from infancy through late teens. This chart covers four categories of development: cognitive, emotion, social and adoption awareness. It's invaluable because it provides a basis for a parents' understanding of how to talk with their child and what s/he may or may not be understanding. If this sounds technical or sterile, it is NOT. Most chapters include a section called "Listen to Your Child's Heart" which posses certain questions your child may be asking or thinking at different stages in their development. For example:

When I'm young, I'll think about my birth parents.
If our family has a spirit of openness where we talk about my birth family often, I will feel sad sometimes. At bedtimes, I might think about my birth mother and cry. I miss her. If you got me when I was young from foster care, I'll still love my first mom, even thought she didn't take good care of me.
When I'm a teen, more thoughts about my birth parents will surfaces my body changes..
As a teenager, I may wonder if I look like my birth parents. When pimples invade my face, I'll wonder if my birth father had them, too. When my female body becomes shapely, I'll wonder if I'll look like my birth mother. When I'm asked about my background by others or physicians during a physical exam, I will be embarrassed and may act like being adopted is no big deal. But, when I look in the mirror, not only will questions about my appearance surface, but also deeper identity issues. "Who am I"? Who are they?" What would they think of me? Would they want to meet me?...........I'm trying to get back what I lost when I lost my birth family.

As with all of Sherri Eldridge books, she recognizes that the child's need and the parents need are inexorably linked. Her web site (SherrieEldridge.com) also dovetails well with the books*; it includes frequent hints on addressing with many issues. As with her books, there are always comments and encouragements and practical suggestions during important calendar dates which have an impact on adoptees and their families: birthdays, mother's day, father's day, etc.


*I highly recommend "The Eldridge Trilogy" which consists of "Twenty Things...; Questions Adoptees Are Asking (about beginnings, about birth family, about searching, about finding peace)" and "20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed (Discover the secrets to understanding the unique needs of your adopted child- and becoming the best parent you can be)." These should be required reading for every adoption counselor or social worker involved in adoption, every adoptive parent, and when age appropriate, every adoptee.

This book reads like a "Who's Who in Attachment Therapy." There is the air of a mutual admiration society between the author and Gregory Keck, Daniel Hughes, Foster Cline, Martha Welch, Deborah Gray, ATTACh, etc. These are major figures of a pop psychotherapy that has been denounced as highly abusive by the APA, APSAC, and other professional organizations.

In their writings and training films, these Attachment Therapists have promoted coercive restraint as "therapy." They promote belief in the old discarded notion of "catharsis" -- that acting out anger, fear, and sadness drains it from the body Attachment Therapy/Parenting uses aversive methods to get children of all ages to be angry, fearful and sad. These methods are appalling and have even killed several children.

Attachment Therapy is classic quackery. Create a fear about a fictional disorder and then offer the only cure for it.

The real idea is not to create a loving attachment between parent and child, but to make the child gratefully and unquestioningly obedient.

Shame on the author for not recommending humane, effective, and science-based practices to the public.

This book was chosen to be featured in the seventh annual Holiday Author Fair at the Eugene and Marilyn Glick Indiana History Center. As the author, I will be at the Center from noon-4:00 for book signing. Please come if you live in the Indy area. Sherrie [...]