Customer Reviews

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Yes, there are some very attractive, brilliant and intriguing men out there who also have Aspergers, and they can make the sweetest dates in the world. But the majority of women, NT or not, who marry an aspie man end up having one or more children with some form of autism *and* being the de facto sole caretakers and coordinators of the household. Most of these women will end up with major depression and one or more autoimmune diseases from never having their own light reflected back at them as time goes on living with someone who is almost completely unreciprocal but who is supposed to be your life partner.

Books such as this one and "Going over the edge" by Kathy Marshack are lifelines for such women because leaving their marriages tends to be logistically, emotionally and economically insurmountable. (Try doing it with a special needs child, depressed, economically stretched and socially isolated, Cassandra.)

But I have a problem with publishers who aim to present the books of these authors as rah-rah solutions, or as how-to-have-a-successful-marriage guides. These are books on how to cope with a seriously challenging and dehumanizing life situation. And they are written red flags to those who haven't yet gone to the altar or had kids. Want the boiled-down version? Here it is:

***You can have a decent life with a man with Aspergers. Just do not expect anything from the marriage and be prepared to be the one doing all of the giving and most of the work. Make your own friends, because he may not have any and is likely to either avoid yours or behave strangely in front of them. Focus on how unique he is, how cute and smart and quirky he can be. Strive to understand the way he looks at the world. Be willing to teach him and explain things. Every day.***

Does this sound like a success story to you? It isn't. If it were, these authors wouldn't have poured their guts and knowledge into books to get the word out. And thank heavens that they've done so.

(And yes, Aspie guys can be as giving as the next person, sometimes moreso. The difference is that in marriage and affection you will need to tell them what to do, when and how to do it. (i.e. "You have to sleep with me once in a while. I need you to comfort me when something really bad has just happened. You have to acknowledge me when we're in the same room / eat with me for some meals", etc.) ...Then you will need to tell them again a few days later. For years. (Readers of publisher's reviews read: "But don't give up! You want to make your marriage work, don't you??")

There really is a dearth of literature to provide helpful guidance to the woman who has discovered her husband has Asperger's Syndrome. So I belive that publishers are rushing texts into print to capitalize on this shortage. There is clearly a need and a market for self-help literature, in part because there is so little help from a couples therapy approach. This book should have found a life as a well edited magazine article. But the content is too thin to have merited life as a book with a cost over the approximate cost of a Psychology Today issue. The 22 observations have varying applications - some to single women and some to married women.

Just read the index for free and get the substance of the book.

This is a great book for women who are able and willing to 'give their all' to their guy. Personally, I am a woman married 15 years to a man JUST diagnosised...though we knew something was 'up'. I am also a brain injury survivor, with the memory of burned toast.
It seems to me, that a book that would (review) what the Asperger's person needs to work on (more) would be good. It bothers me that the book basically states 'this just is the way it is'. I have been working hard on my own stuff in the five years since my injury--if I hadn't put something in place, I would still be in the 'drool pool' and unable to speak/write or walk.
I like the book---he actually READ it. That was one thing. But it seems to be more a road map for ME than for HIM--guess the title is true to form... but still...

If you love an Aspie, you owe it to yourself to read this book, whether the Aspie you love was diagnosed years ago, recently, or has yet to be diagnosed.

Every word in it rings true, and is useful. The author is clinically precise in her descriptions of the drawbacks and advantages of loving a man who is also an Aspie, wonderfully complex and maddening at the same time. She also gives good advice about taking care of your own needs, which you must do, as it is essential to take care of yourself when the the maddening aspects occur (and they will).

I wish I had read it years ago.

Long before a diagnosis, my husband and I knew that he had Asperger's. It just took the medical community all these years to be able to test and diagnose adults. I found this book helpful and really want to get my husband to read it as well. This author points out that ( depending on the severity of the Asperger's ) the diagnosed spouse or partner CAN learn some things to cope and behave in a more "normal" fashion. I know this to be true because I've known my husband since high school and that's been 30 years. We've only been married for 17 years. I know he can "adapt" when he makes an effort. It just seems that since the diagnosis he is much less willing to "adapt". I think this book will be useful in guiding a conversation between us about expectations going forward. It states the woman's ( or non-Asperger's) side clearly and in a way I think my husband can understand. As is typical for many AS folks, he can receive information; especially information regarding OUR relationship and my emotions much better in written form than he can just listen to me talk. I am very pleased with this purchase, and we've purchased two or three others about Asperger's in marriage. This is by far my favorite.

Wife of an AS Guy.

There are features of Asperger Syndrom that may fit in some of her 22 things, but they do not describe all of us. Her experience is not broad enough to speak with generalized authority.

This is a good little book which gives an accurate but brief overview of the most common issues that arise in a relationship with a man who has Asperger Syndrome. I think it would be a very good choice of book to read if you have a friend or loved one who is in a relationship with an Aspie and you want to know more and understand their situation. But if you are actually in a relationship with an Aspie, you will need more than just this book, and I recommend highly the Kathy Marshack book and also "Alone Together" by Katrin Bentley. Still, it is a useful addition and in particular, has a nice positive comment at the end of each chapter, re how to see the positive side of each difficult trait/issue. I believe there is a lot you can learn and grow from in a relationship with an Aspie, so it is nice to see these positive comments, encouraging an empowered attitude rather than sinking into despair.

I feel really sorry about the bitter experience the author seems to have had with a male diagnosed with AS. However, I think that having gone through a failed experience doesn't legitimate her to demonize males with AS.

The author goes through a lot of contradictions, that simply shows her frustration and bitterness over her personal experience. Trying to extend, afterwards her experience to all the males with AS. Like with NT every person with AS is also unique.

The information in the book, according to her writings, comes from three sources:

- Her own personal experience.
- interviews with men and women contacted by her website.
- Some forums.

The conclusions hasn't been reached through a very scientific method I would say. In the first place because the person who analyses and draws the conclusions is contaminated, as she has been personally involved and emotionally affected by a previous relationship with a male with AS. On the other hand, the couples she interviewed were having trouble in their relationship, what leaves out of the "study" all the successful stories.
It is very much like if some body makes a study about the reliability of airplanes and the study is carried out taking as population the victims of airplane accidents.


Finally, regardless of your couple being AS or not, establishing a relationship as an investment where you should get in return at least a percentage of what you invest, is not a very sane idea: sooner or later you will be disappointed. To share your life with some one is a personal decision. People are like they are, with their goods and their bads, and if you take your decision based in the person's qualities, you can't complain afterwards and pretend to change the persons characteristics to fit your taste.

Let's put it clear: You can't start going out with a blind person, and complain afterwards because the person doesn't look at your eyes, and you feel ignored.
Further more, it wouldn't be very nice if afterwards, should that relationship fail, to write a book entitled " 22 things a woman must know: if she loves a blind man".

People with AS may have difficulties expressing their feelings and emotions but they are not stone hearted, they DO have feelings and emotions. You just have to pay an extra bit of time and attention to let them express themselves, because exactly there, is where one aspect of their disability lays.


If the potential reader wants to read a really good and unbiased book about Asperger 's Syndrome, I would rather recommend to read instead The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

I am an NT female married to an undiagnosed Aspie male. This book provided me validation and relief. The weight that has been lifted from my shoulders is indescribable to say the least. As a Christian, I have anguished over ending my marriage many times, family and friends think I should leave but I stayed due to my love for Jesus and felt that while I wanted to leave, which I am financially and physically able to do, I needed to wait on the Lord to provide me guidance. I am thankful that I waited on the Lord and ignored all the outside influences and my own emotions. This book has changed my view of my husband, our relationship and myself. I talked to my husband about Asperger's Syndrome/Disorder and he was very receptive and actually looked relived. He has experienced a lifetime of emotional distress that has had a profound effect on his life and how he relates in relationships. We both seem to be more comfortable with each other and are looking forward to a future together. While the future isn't what I had hoped and dreamed of in a partner, it is a hopeful future that will be different and have challenges but that's life. I saw myself and husband in just about ever chapter. This book is a must read. Rudy, Thank you for writing this book and Jesus Christ for guiding me to read it.

I have a boyfriend with aspergers. And this book gave me straight out what to expect and how to deal with it. I think this was worth it.