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This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It [Hardcover]

David Wong
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (605 customer reviews)

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Book Description

October 2, 2012

From the writer of the cult sensation John Dies at the End comes another terrifying and hilarious tale of almost Armageddon at the hands of two hopeless heroes.

           

WARNING:

 

You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR.

 

You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like.

 

You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out.

 

Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it.  I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it.

 

Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.


 


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Editorial Reviews

From Booklist

Wong—in reality Cracked.com writer Jason Pargin—follows up his comic horror novel John Dies at the End (2009) with this wildly out-there sequel. Best friends John and Dave live in a smallish town that seems to suffer from a surfeit of supernatural and suspicious events. The story begins with a local cop being, um, intruded upon by a spiderish creature that turns its victim into, um, a zombie-like individual, and it gets a whole lot weirder from there. Wong, the book’s first-person narrator and also one of its central characters (John being “John Cheese,” a fellow Cracked.com contributor) focuses mainly on the laughs and the strange goings-on, but there’s a very interesting idea here: What if the current pop-culture zombie mania could lead to a pseudo-zombie apocalypse? What if, in other words, enough people believe in something to turn it into reality? And how do a couple of slacker dudes defeat a creature that, technically, doesn’t even exist? Full of laughs and goofiness, the book should definitely appeal to fans of John Dies at the End and to readers of comic horror fiction in general (especially, it should be noted, fans of British novelist Tom Holt, who will be familiar with the same sort of whimsy and ordinary-guy-in-extraordinary-situation environment.) --David Pitt

Review

Praise for This Book is Full of Spiders:

“Kevin Smith's Clerks meets H.P. Lovecraft in this exceptional thriller that makes zombies relevant again… From the dialogue to the descriptions, lines are delivered with faultless timing and wit. Wong never has to reach for comedy, it flows naturally with nary a stumble… the most pertinent story of the genre since George Romero's Dawn of the Dead… a tighter, more concentrated read than John Dies at the End… David Wong (Jason Pargin) is a fantastic author with a supernatural talent for humor. If you want a poignant, laugh-out-loud funny, disturbing, ridiculous, self-aware, socially relevant horror novel than This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It is the one and only book for you.” –SF Signal

 

“The comedic and crackling dialogue also brings a whimsical flair to the story, making it seem like an episode of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” written by Douglas Adams of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” …Imagine a mentally ill narrator describing the zombie apocalypse while drunk, and the end result is unlike any other book of the genre.  Seriously, dude, touch it and read it.” –Washington Post

 

“[A] phantasmagoria of horror, humor--and even insight into the nature of paranoia, perception, and identity.” –Publishers Weekly, starred review

 

“Violence, soy sauce and zombie survivalists abound in this clever and funny sequel to John Dies at the End (2009).  One of the great things about discovering new writers, especially in the narrow range of hybrid-genre comedic novels, is realizing that they’re having just as much fun making this stuff up as you are reading it. Sitting squarely with the likes of S.G. Browne and Christopher Moore, the pseudonymous Wong (Cracked editor Jason Pargin) must be pissing himself laughing at his own writing, even as he’s giving fans an even funnier, tighter and justifiably insane entry in the series.… The humor here is unforced and good-naturedly gory. Anyone who enjoyed the recent films The Cabin in the Woods or Tucker & Dale vs. Evil will find themselves right at home. An upcoming (cult?) film adaptation of John Dies at the End promises to lure new readers.  A joyful return to the paroxysms of laughter lurking in the American Midwest.” –Kirkus


Praise for John Dies at the End

"The rare genre novel that manages to keep its sense of humor strong without ever diminishing the scares; David is a consistently hilarious narrator whose one-liners and running commentary are sincere in a way that makes the horrors he confronts even more unsettling." --The Onion AV Club

"John Dies at the End is like an H.P. Lovecraft tale if Lovecraft were into poop and fart jokes." –Fangoria

“Sure to please the Fangoria  set while appealing to a wider audience, the book's smart take on fear manages to tap into readers' existential dread on one page, then have them laughing the next.” –Publishers Weekly

“…strikes enough of a balance between hilarity, horror, and surrealism here to keep anyone glued to the story.” –Booklist

"A loopy buddy-movie of a book with deadpan humor and great turns of phrase...Just plain fun." --Library Journal

“You can (and will want to) read JOHN DIES AT THE END in one sitting.” –BookReporter.com

“Wong blends horror and suspense with comedy—a tricky combination—and pulls it off effortlessly.” –FashionAddict.com

“It’s interesting, compelling, engaging, arresting and--yes--sometimes even horrifying. And when it’s not being any of those things, it’s funny. Very, very funny.” –January Magazine

“This is one of the most entertaining and addictive novels I’ve ever read.” –Jacob Kier, publisher, Permuted Press

“The book takes every pop culture trend of the past twenty years, peppers it with 14-year-old dick and fart humor, and blends it all together with a huge heaping of splatterpunk gore….  Successfully blend[s] laugh-out-loud humor with legitimate horror.” –i09.com


Product Details

  • Hardcover: 416 pages
  • Publisher: Thomas Dunne Books; 1 edition (October 2, 2012)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 9780312546342
  • ISBN-13: 978-0312546342
  • ASIN: 0312546343
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 1.3 x 9.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (605 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,777 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

I have read the first book "John Dies At The End" over and over and over while waiting for this one. Kelly Franco  |  143 reviewers made a similar statement
I love David Wong's writing style. DecoJake  |  91 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
80 of 93 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Seriously Dude, Shut Up and Take My Money October 2, 2012
Format:Hardcover
SYNOPSIS: Unlikely heroes Dave and John unwittingly bring about the "zombie" apocalypse. Faced with an impending doom of a ridiculous nature the two must get to the bottom of the mystery and save the world.

MY RATING: Five Stars

PROS: Side-splitting laughs, nail-biting horror, heroes worth cheering for, and a homemade triple barrel shotgun.

CONS: It ends.

VERDICT: Kevin Smith's Clerks meets H.P. Lovecraft in this exceptional thriller that makes zombies relevant again.

Some time has passed since the events of John Dies at the End. Dave is happily dating Amy and undergoing court-ordered therapy for shooting a pizza deliveryman with a crossbow. John is mooching off others and peeing off of water towers. Molly the dog is eating whatever food Dave drops on the floor. Life is never "good" in [Undisclosed] but for the moment it is relatively peaceful. That is, until Dave and John become pawns in a sinister science experiment set in motion by the Shadow Men. As the result of gross incompetence and a lack of foresight these two white-trash monster hunters unleash havoc upon the world. Despite a penchant for making mistakes it falls upon Dave and John to wrong the rights and fight evil.

John Dies at the End by David Wong (pseudonym of Jason Pargin, Senior Editor and columnist for Cracked.com) was the best book I read in 2010. On my list of favorite books of all time it is near the top. By the time I encountered it there were already a legion of diehard fans and talk of a film adaption by Don Coscarelli, the director of Bubba Ho-Tep. So I was late to the party but I sought to remedy that with the sequel, This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It. I was honored to receive an ARC that I promptly read cover to cover.

At its essence This Books is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It reads like a 400 page Cracked.com article with a plot. This is said with the utmost awe and respect. Cracked.com is a site that frequently supplies some of the funniest (and scariest) material available on the Internet. Wong (let's call him Wong so as not to dilute the magic) has taken his experience with the website and wields it as a weapon of mass amusement. Initially the concept of comedy and horror blended into one book seems preposterous. It's like putting peanut butter and pickles on the same sandwich. Separately peanut butter and pickles are great foods but combining them is a wee bit sacrilegious. Not so with a comedy/horror mash-up. These two genres make perfect companions.

The R-rated college humor is an ideal foil to the mind-numbing dread. It doesn't hurt that Wong is a professional comedic writer. I wanted to see how far into the book I could get before I crossed a page that did not have me laughing. It took 25 pages before I met such a page. This Books is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It is primed with guffaws. From the dialogue to the descriptions, lines are delivered with faultless timing and wit. Wong never has to reach for comedy, it flows naturally with nary a stumble.

Wong has taken zombies (well, they're not really zombies but for lack of a better word) and made them scary again. More importantly, however, Wong has made them relevant again. At the risk of sounding like a complete and utter hipster, I was into zombies before they were cool. In the time since then zombies have experienced a colossal boost in popularity. You can't swing a crowbar without hitting a movie, book, or videogame featuring zombies. The market is saturated to the point of bursting with undead and the last thing I wanted was to read another zombie apocalypse.

The thing is, Wong is too crafty to just write a traditional zombie apocalypse. This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It examines all the ways in which our geeky zombie apocalypse fantasies probably wouldn't happen as imagined. It is a sobering thought to say the least. Wong also observes the origins of "zombie" mythology but the real kicker comes with the realization that it is human paranoia, rather than zombies, that is the real monster. Wong couldn't possibly have planned for this book to come out only months after the "bath salt zombie" media frenzy (unless he is secretly responsible) but it adds a whole extra layer of significance. Thinking back it is eerie how similar the public reaction was when compared to how this story unfolds. Wong made some accurate predictions or he is an evil genius of some sort. My money is on the latter. This assessment of our society's addiction to crisis and the prevalence of zombies in pop-culture make This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It the most pertinent story of the genre since George Romero's Dawn of the Dead.

Dave and John are professional screw-ups of the highest degree but I challenge you to find more endearing characters. These are two unlikely heroes with an aversion to responsibility but are thrust into the role of saviors of humanity after taking the magical drug, Soy Sauce. Dave is the more mature of the duo (though this is measured in minute increments) and always the voice of reason (sort of). John on the other hand is reckless to the core and just the sort of friend you want backing you in a brawl. As great as Dave is there is just no beating John. He may not top a list of responsible role models but he is the patron saint of giving evil the finger. This time around Amy, Dave's girlfriend, gets a bigger piece of the action. It would have been easy to relegate Amy to a supporting role but Wong writes her as a strong character that is every bit as capable as her male cohorts, if not more so. The relationship between the noticeably damaged Dave and sweet as sunshine Amy is charming in no small measure. All three characters get a POV (as well as brief but hilarious excursion from the perspective of the dog Molly) and each one is developed and distinctive.

This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It is a tighter, more concentrated read than John Dies at the End. As great as John Dies at the End is there were times that it became difficult to follow with the way it jumped around. The sequel does not suffer the same shortcoming. This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It is a single large event rather than the series of related smaller events that is John Dies at the End. There are still time and narrative shifts but the general arc remains uncluttered and coherent. There is a touch less absurdity to be found this go around however. Some are bound to find this a drawback but because of the focused nature of the story I can't fault Wong.

I can only see the cult following growing with the release of the sequel. David Wong (Jason Pargin) is a fantastic author with a supernatural talent for humor. If you want a poignant, laugh-out-loud funny, disturbing, ridiculous, self-aware, socially relevant horror novel than This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It is the one and only book for you.

Nick Sharps
SF Signal
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53 of 62 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars this book is full of awesome October 2, 2012
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
Got home 4:45PM, saw package in mailbox. Knew right away what it was. Put it on the side, put it to the back of my mind, delaying what I knew must happen just a while longer. Walked the dog. Got myself prepared.. Motionally (couch), emotionally(things), physically(drink/snack)...

5:30PM .. Opened the packaging..

Out jumped a spider.

Let me preface the rest of this review by first saying that if you havent yet already read john Dies at the End then what are you reading reviews of the sequel for??!??! Go buy John Dies.. now .. Go read it tonight.. Thank me or curse me out later, either way, and then come back here.

Ok, you caught up now? Good. This book is not John Dies at the End... This is a much much much darker tale. There is humor to be sure, but it's humor that plays like the 1st breath of fresh air you take after swimming through a lake of rancid feces. It's like sunbathing during the eye of a hurricane, which just demolished every house in the neighborhood except yours, and you know is 5 minutes away from coming back to remedy that. It's a short break in between what should come to be known as one of the best horror novels written in years. The true source of the real horror the book has to show though may just shock you. The story carries you throughout the distance of the book like a manic monkey crab, thing.. Setting up an intricate net that hangs just outside of your vision, waiting to be drawn shut around you. The web David Wong spins would make even the darkest shadow pale in comparison. The tension built up to a tipping point the slightest fart could blow over, and just when you think it couldn't possible take you any further..

11:45 PM... a few pages away from the end of the novel, I'm sitting crying my eyes out like a an 8yr old girl told she cant follow her older sister to her first school dance... Depression... Anxiety... some more Depression... Wrapped up in a ball of thought provoking fatalistic psychology. That's what this book is, and every bit of it is fantastic.

If someone ruins this one for you..Punch them in the balls.. hard.. tell them I said it was ok.

Oh and Dave... please for the love of dog write a 3rd.. And please... Don't pull any punches. It's better this way.
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60 of 75 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars A Very Different Direction October 8, 2012
Format:Hardcover
John Dies at the End is an incredibly original, fun, and at times genuinely horrific story about a couple of losers being forced to battle meat monsters, Shadow Men, the inter-dimensional terror Korrok, and their own ineptitude. This Book is Full of Spiders takes this concept and runs with it for about 100 pages, before dropping it for a more serious tone.

The book picks up an unspecified amount of time after JDatE. Dave and John are still wandering without direction, living in squalor, and occasionally dealing with horrors. New dangers emerge as parasitic spiders take over humans and change them into murderous monstrosities. Dave and John jump into action, handling the situation as they have so many others; with humor, improvised weapons, and fire. Unlike previous situations, this makes the situation exponentially worse, and they quickly realize it.

At this point things take a sharp turn. The jokes trickle off, the main characters get splintered into their own separate paths, and we learn something very important; Dave and John are a team for a reason. Neither works especially well without the other, and all of the stories lack the same spark that had been present in the first 100 pages, or the entirety of the first book.

This setup is however necessary for what end up being the overriding themes of the book. The characters are all given a chance to grow up to varying degrees, and frankly Dave and John completely enable each other, so it never would have happened without them being separated. To be honest, I did not especially want to see them grow. I wanted to see the hilarity that always came from them enabling each other, and handling serious, world ending situations with the mentality of grown children.

There are still grown children in the story, but they are no longer shown in a favorable, amusing light. Every time characters acted on their own, just branching out and acting immaturely, there were negative consequences. VERY negative consequences. The authority figures seem to know what they are doing, and the rogue individuals acting of their own accord are messing it up. Again, that is a point the book wants to get across, it just runs extremely counter to the first book. Signs of a maturing author, perhaps, but I found that it also led to a less engaging narrative.

The other huge theme is the idea that we are all the heroes of our own stories, and that seeing the same events from different angles completely changes the story. Amy's story followed a bunch of hipster college students who are excited at the idea of getting famous during the zombie apocalypse. Dave's story shows how paranoia turns us against each other, and how humanity's relationship with itself is the real danger. John's story is about being the person who always got things fixed needing to deal with no longer being "the guy," and everything he knew seems to be wrong. By the end even the "villains" motives are explained in a way that allows the reader to realize that nobody in the story was evil, they were just all doing what they thought was right.

You may have noticed how little comedy there seems to be in those stories, and how even the horror seems tangential to the personal arcs, and that would be because that is how the book is set up. For better or worse, this is a sequel that goes in a very different direction than the first book. It is more interested in human nature and growing up than it is in monsters and jokes. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it is unfair of fans to expect artists to always deliver more of the same. Artists change and grow, and their art is bound to reflect that.

As a fan of JDatE, I wanted more of the same. I wanted more jokes, more monsters, more zany action. And I am disappointed that I did not get it. What is there is interesting, different, and still worth a read, but it is not JDatE2. That is not what this book is, and hopefully if you do not expect that you can enjoy it more than I did.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Continue the ride!
Check out my review for "John Dies at the End". These two books are what I hope is the beginning of a very long career for David Wong. I love books that make me laugh. Read more
Published 8 hours ago by Tara Easton
5.0 out of 5 stars Love!
I loved John Dies at the end and this book does not disappoint. Wong does not shy away from equal parts horror, humor, and a no-nonesense writing style that I have come to love... Read more
Published 2 days ago by A. Moreno
4.0 out of 5 stars Not as good as the original but still very good
This books starts off a lot slower than the original, and has a lot more to do about Amy the one-handed girl from the first one. Read more
Published 5 days ago by Paul Stewart
5.0 out of 5 stars This review is full of spiders
This is by far my favorite work of fiction, the only thing that comes close to competition is it's predecessor.
Published 6 days ago by Roy E.
4.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious but Different
This book is hilarious. The jokes and the observations are sharp and witty. However, as a sequel, I don't know how well it continued the story of John and David and Amy. Read more
Published 7 days ago by Dani
5.0 out of 5 stars Utterly Genius
David Wong (not the author's real name) knows what makes a book great.
It has to have believable and likeable characters, but also some jackasses for good measure. Read more
Published 7 days ago by KentGeek
4.0 out of 5 stars Zany and thought provoking at the same time
Well written and creative. A few sentences are memorable to put my life in perspective. Would like to read more like this.
Published 7 days ago by Joel C. Rutledge
5.0 out of 5 stars Needs more spiders
I loved this book. It is very much in the same vein as the first. Although it is more narrative driven and serious
Published 7 days ago by sngroom
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing.
David Wong - or rather, Jason Pargin - is a very, very good writer. As his second foray into literary writing I wasn't expecting much, but the end payoff was perfect. Read more
Published 8 days ago by Lauren M. Woods
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent writing and thoroughly entertaining
This Book is Full of Spiders is not so much a sequel to John Dies at the End, but more a continuation of the lives of the characters. Read more
Published 9 days ago by G. Wesson
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