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This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence

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John Piper waited forty years to write a book on marriage. It is only after forty years of marriage that he felt like he would have something valuable to say (or something valuable to add to a very crowded genre of book). "Romance, sex, and childbearing are temporary gifts of God. They are not part of the next life. And they are not guaranteed even for this life. They are one possible path through the narrow way to Paradise. Marriage passes through breathtaking heights and through swamps with choking vapors. It makes many things sweeter, and with it come bitter providences." Four decades of sweetness and bitter providences stand behind this book.

Though I am tempted to say that no generation needs to be reminded of a biblical theology of marriage more than our own, I suspect that hundreds of generations past would disagree, saying that their generation is as desperately in need of God's wisdom. In the book's opening pages, Piper writes of the cultural distortion of marriage, a distortion that sees marriage as little more than temporary convenience that lasts only as long as the romantic feelings remain. He does so "in the hopes that it might wake you up to consider a vision of marriage higher and deeper and stronger and more glorious than anything this culture--or perhaps you yourself--ever imagined. The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit." The book is built upon this foundation: that marriage is God's doing. It is the doing of God and it is the display of God.

"The aim of this book is to enlarge your vision of what marriage is. As Bonhoeffer says, it is more than your love for each other. Vastly more. Its meaning is infinitely great. I say that with care. The meaning of marriage is the display of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his people." Marriage, then, is a parable, a gracious, glorious parable given by God, that tells of the permanence of Christ's commitment to his people.

The point Piper makes time and time again is this: "Marriage is patterned after Christ's covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream." Thus staying married is not about staying in love but about keeping covenant; getting divorced involves not just breaking a covenant with a spouse but misrepresenting Christ and his covenant. His understand depends, obviously, on a reading of Ephesians 5:32 that sees marriage primarily as a metaphor for Christ and the church. There are some biblical interpreters who would seem to disagree; if I read them properly it seems that many, perhaps mostly of the Presbyterian tradition, would reverse the two, saying that the relationship of Christ and his church helps us understand marriage rather than the other way around. Though I am not entirely convinced one way or the other, I do think Piper makes a sound argument. Even without standing one hundred percent behind it, I found great value in the book.

With Ephesians 5:32 as his starting place, Piper looks at a whole list of topics related to marriage: nakedness without shame; love and romance; forgiveness and forbearing; conformity to Christ; headship and submission; singleness; sex; procreation; evangelism; and divorce.

There were only a couple of areas in which I found myself disagreeing with Piper. The first was in his view of remarriage after divorce. His understanding of Scripture does not allow remarriage under any circumstances. Hence a woman whose husband leaves her and marries another, has no biblical defense in her desire to remarry. Though Piper admits that this is a minority view among Christians, his conscience binds him to it. I tend to disagree with this view and believe that the innocent party may remarry. Yet I understand how Piper arrives at his view and can see how it is consistent with the rest of his views. The second area of disagreement (or perhaps potential disagreement) was in his view of procreation within marriage. Again, because of his starting point at Ephesians 5, he has to raise the importance of spiritual children over natural children, saying that the absolute commands of Scripture pertain to evangelism and not to procreation. In most cases both will happen, but Piper does allow for marriages that deliberately exclude children; I am not so sure we can build a strong biblical argument for this.

But even in these chapters, as with all the rest, I learned a great deal. Particularly strong are the chapters dealing with headship (where he writes of the humbling nature of biblical headship) and the chapter dealing with the gift of sex in marriage. Also excellent was the rather unexpected (but necessary) chapter on singleness. Rare is the book on marriage that writes also of singleness and God's plan for those who do not marry.

Perhaps the emphasis I most enjoyed is this: that marriage is not about lifelong fireworks and unending doe-eyed feelings of romance. Instead, marriage is about the long-term commitment to make a statement about God to the rest of the world. In the opening chapter Piper writes, "Marriage is a momentary gift. ... As this book is published, Noel and I are passing our fortieth anniversary of marriage. She is God's gift to me--far better than I deserve. We speak often of the wonder of being married tell one of us dies. It has not been trouble-free. So we imagine ourselves in our seventies or eighties--when divorce is not only sin, but socially silly--sitting across from each other, perhaps at Old Country Buffet, and smiling at each other's wrinkled faces, and saying with the deepest gratitude for God's grace: `We made it.'" This is a realistic book, one that is written from a gritty, true-life perspective. It is a powerful book that turns constantly to the Bible, to the Creator of marriage, to gain his perspective. It is not practical in the sense of offering six easy steps to a healthy marriage, but practical in the sense that it offers a biblical foundation that can support and sustain a healthy, God-honoring marriage. Piper waited forty years to write this book and those long years are reflected from the first page to the last.

Our pastor gave this book to my husband and he read it first. It changed his whole perspective of our marriage and our family. Piper speaks of marriage in a way that I've never really looked at it before. I normally struggle to get through the meatiness of Piper's books, but this book was different. It is still very meaty, but I read one short chapter at a time.

I have heard the phrase "bear with one another" all of my life. And in I Corinthians, it says that "love bears all things." But, I have never had anyone explain what that means to me. And that is what Piper begins by talking about. He says that we are to forgive and forbear with one another in our strangeness. That means to realize that we are all different and what are spouses are like may indeed be absolutely "strange" to us--difficult to understand and live with. Yet, we are supposed to love them in their strangeness. I cannot do justice to Piper's explanation in this book, so I will simply encourage you to read it! I hope it will encourage you as it has me and my husband.

Other chapters in the book are about submission, husband's roles, anger and not provoking your children to anger, divorce, singleness, and hospitality. This is a book that must be read bit by bit and pondered--even though the chapters are short. Try not to make any assumptions about the book before you read it or prejudge the chapters. You may be caught off guard by the first two chapters--but please press on. The book begins to make so much sense!

I am so thankful to have read this book!

178 pages of great writing is what is contained in this book. Piper hits a home run. Though we may find minor details about which to quibble, I am convinced that Piper has done us all a service by writing this book.

This Momentary Marriage (hence TMM) is the fruit of Piper's forty years of marriage as well as many years of Bible study. He gives to us the voice of Scripture and experience.

Piper reminds us that marriage is not all about love. Marriage is not sustained by staying in love. Marriage is about covenant keeping.

Piper takes us to the Garden, to the Cross, to the altar, to the marriage bed, and to divorce court. In every place he tells us what the Word of God tells us, and in every place he calls us to strive for permanence in our marriages because it is God's revealed will for us.

Piper reminds us that marriage is to show forth Christ and His church. Thus it is that the relationships within marriage serve to glorify God. It is also in this that we find many characteristics that should be found in the lives and hearts of husbands and wives.

Piper calls upon us to remember that we are to be fruitful and multiply, as God has commanded us. TMM gives us a nudge in the direction of child training by reminding us that the goal of Christian child bearing is to make children disciples of Jesus.

In the end, Piper discusses divorce. Granted, Piper's views are a little more stringent than those of even most conservative evangelicals and fundamentalists today. At the same time, agree or disagree, Piper argues his point well by calling us to remember that Jesus is faithful to His bride. He then calls for us to have the same covenant faithfulness in our own marriages.

It is my wish that this become a classic book on the subject of marriage.

It's that good!

This Momentary Marriage is a book focused on marriage between a man and woman and also between Jesus and His church (bride). At the beginning of each chapter, Mr. Piper includes excerpts from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, an engaged man in 1945 who was killed before he could be married, and Bible Verses. These two help you get a feeling of the chapter as Mr. Piper expounds on his understanding of the Scripture presented.
There are fifteen chapters and some of them are: Staying Married Is Not Mainly about Staying in Love; Naked and Not Ashamed; The Christian Husband as Head: What Does It Mean to Lead?; Singleness, Marriage, and the Christian Virtue of Hospitality; Faith and S*x in Marriage; and my favorite: Marriage Is Meant for Making Children....Disciples of Jesus: How Absolute Is the Duty to Procreate? Since I have 7 children, this was a chapter I definitely wanted to read. He makes a good point by stating "This purpose of marriage is not merely to add more bodies to the planet. The point is to increase the number of followers of Jesus on the planet." He goes on to say that in this fallen world, marrying isn't an absolute calling on all people, and neither is having children for those that do marry. This goes against some that believe the only reason to get married is to have children. I personally believe that God gives you as many children as he sees fit and the best timing for this is when you are married. Mr. Piper also covers divorce and remarriage. Although I do not agree with everything he has said, I would recommend this book for a person, single or married, who wants to learn more about their role in being single or being married. I received this book from Crossway.

This well-written book feels reactive rather than pro-active in its tone and content. In these pages, an intense and passionate theologian defends his understanding of marriage against a culture in which relationships, including marriage relationships, have become both temporary and disposable.

Piper argues for permanence. This book is a spirited and sharply-worded defense of the together-for-life mindset that informed most marriages even a few generations ago. Today, western cultural values have shifted so completely that Piper's reaction may surprise readers who are under 30 and well-connected with current social norms.

This is not a "how to strengthen your marriage book." Instead it's a theological framework that insists your marriage is not about love or romance or affection but instead about a steely resolve to keep your promise and to abide by a sacred covenant. This is not a flowers-and-chocolate, learn-how-to-communicate-better kind of book, it's a you-have-no-option-but-staying-together book.

As a family counselor, I especially appreciate Piper's encouragement that married couples should include single adults in their world, involving and including them in family events and community life. YES. Marriage is not the only model for healthy adulthood; single people can and should live their lives knowing that they are whole, valuable, and needed.

As a person of faith, I applaud Piper's understanding of marriage also. This would be a great book for pastors to read as they prepare sermons about relationships, or as they prepare to counsel pre-married couples.

What I'd like to see prescribed here is a little more affection, a little more woo. I'd like to see husbands genuinely and frequently acting out "I love you with all my heart" while they also authentically live out "I am committed to you for life." I'm guessing Piper believes in that too, but affection gets short attention in these pages.

Dr. David Frisbie
The Center for Marriage & Family Studies
Author of "The Soul-Mate Marriage" and other books

I decided to read This Momentary Marriage because I wanted to learn how to be a better husband. Pastor Piper, my favorite author, has been married for more than forty years and knows the challenges and joys of this sacred institution. What separates This Momentary Marriage from most books on marriage is that this is not an instructional manual that gives you ten tips on how to build a stronger marriage. This Momentary Marriage is a theological look at what marriage is all about - the covenant-keeping love of Christ. During the first half of the book I did feel that Piper repeated himself a few times, but I probably felt that way because I have had my nose in so many of his books lately. This Momentary Marriage hits on a number of topics such as leadership, submission, hospitality, romance, children, anger, divorce, remarriage and to my surprise, singleness. Piper covers singleness in chapters 9-10, and it really needs to be read by not just singles, but those who are married. We tend to exalt marriage in unChristlike ways and fail to see the even greater blessings that will come to all Christians when we pass from this world. Of course, as always, Piper has scattered Scripture throughout the book. Each chapter starts off with a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Letters and Papers from Prison. This Momentary Marriage concludes with a few words of thanks, a Scripture index, person index, subject index and a note on Desiring God resources. If you are married, engaged, hope to be married or called to remain single, I highly recommend this book. It is definitely the best reading I have done on this topic.

John Piper's This Momentary Marriage is one of the best books I have ever read about marriage. Here are a few reasons why . . .

1. I love the biblical focus in Piper's writings. You will not get very far in any Piper book without dealing seriously with texts of Scripture. He doesn't make a point and then support it with proof texts, he points to texts and then draws conclusions from these texts. This is of course because he regards the Bible as the inspired Word of God. A person who does not regard Scripture in this way would probably not connect with this book as so much of what it is saying is tied directly to Scriptural texts, particularly Ephesians 5, 1 Corinthians 7 and Matthew 19.

2. The book is short. Since Piper writes in such a Scripturally-based, point-by-point way, building one argument on another, a short read from him is a relief. I had the sense that I could finish this book in a short enough time period to not forget the earlier chapters as I finished the later chapters. At just 178 pages, it is an easy read in terms of its length.

3. I love the focus on marriage as a picture of Christ's covenant-keeping love with the Church. This brings a significance to marriage that can't be found anywhere else.

4. I love the realistic perspective on marriage this book brings. Piper says he waited 40 years to write this book because he didn't feel ready at 10, 20 or 30 years of marriage to write it. But at 40 years of marriage, he realized he'd never have it all together so he wrote the book. Piper is honest about his struggles in marriage without minimizing the great blessing marriage has brought to his life.

5. I love the eternal perspective of this book. It is seen in the title and throughout the text. This is not a marriage book where marriage is viewed as what life is all about. Piper says life is all about Christ and marriage serves as a means to glorify Christ.

6. I like the fact that Piper takes biblical stands on controversial issues. His positions on gender roles and divorce and children are all well-defined from a Scriptural standpoint. Thus a biblical Christian must deal with these texts and bring others in as they think through the implications of what Piper concludes. In the end they may still disagree with him about divorce and remarriage, for example, but he forces the reader to think through his argument from Scripture.

7. I like the balanced approach Piper took in the book regarding the marriage relationship. He gave ample time to roles in marriage without making the whole book about roles. He dealt with sex without making the whole book revolve around the sexual relationship in marriage. He did the same with children and parenting and divorce and other subjects. The primary subjects of struggle in marriage were covered without any one subject dominating the book. This was helpful to me.

Overall, a great book well worth reading.

Think about something for a minute: What is more important...the "HOW" or the "WHY" ....(of whatever) ? After reading many, many Christian and secular "How To" marriage books, I finally struck on 2 that truly explain "WHY": this book and Gary Thomas' "Sacred Marriage". This Momentary Marriage is the more foundational of the two. If people can "get" what God's intentions for marriage are, which are so well explained in these absolutely biblically based books, then all those "How to" books will become simple tools, or means, to reach the end - God's plan. Trying to fight any battle is futile if you don't really know what you're fighting for. Learn what you're fighting for and read this book. God's plan for marriage is incredibly great! Be encouraged!

This book about marriage shocked me; then challenged me; and finally convicted me about how I can do better in my own marriage. Written for evangelical christians, it has timeless value for all people. With the impermanence of marriage affecting believers and non-believers equally, this book will cause you to return to God's original model for marriage. For those seeking divorce, read this first. A must-read for newlyweds!

My fiance and I read this together and both found it was a great book to lay the spiritual foundation for our marriage. This one doesn't go much into the nuts and bolts and roadblocks you will meet; rather, it focuses on the biblical purpose of marriage and how to place God in the front and center. Would recommend reading this first and then 'The Most Important Year of a Man/Woman's Life' which goes into the nuts and bolts.