This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today [Paperback]

Kristin Maschka (Author)

Book Description

Release date: October 6, 2009

An important look at motherhood and family dynamics in the 21st century?by the national spokesperson of Mothers & More.

Kristin Maschka, past president of Mothers & More, a national organization with more than 140 chapters across the country, shines a spotlight on the complex issues mothers face?at work, in their homes, their lives, and with their partners? and shows how the hidden assumptions that society, the media, public policy, and women themselves hold about motherhood can sabotage a mother?s happiness.

Maschka weaves together her own story, anecdotes from mothers all over the country, and a deep knowledge of history and society to offer mothers a comforting, often funny read that helps them see themselves and the world around them in a whole new way. At the same time she provides specific actions women can take today to remodel motherhood to live the lives they always thought they would.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Kristin Maschka is the past president and a national spokesperson for Mothers & More. She has her own management consulting practice supporting public school districts and non-profits. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

• Paperback: 400 pages
• Publisher: Berkley Trade; Original edition (October 6, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0425227812
• ISBN-13: 978-0425227817
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,608,851 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 9 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Read this book and share it October 6, 2009

By S. Williams

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

We've all read the books and articles that tell us that mothers can have it all - the perfect baby, perfect marriage, flexible job, etc...but what happened when you found out everything wasn't perfect? That new reality was difficult for me. The worst part was that I thought I was the only one that felt confused and out of place. In Kristin Maschka's book she takes on the issues that mothers and families face (and usually don't talk about) in a way that is smart, funny and personal. Some of the chapters include:
- The mother of all to-do lists - or why didn't anyone tell me how hard this is?
- Oxygen masks - or why am I at the bottom of my own lists?
- Identity whiplash - or who am I now?
- I'm a square peg - or why doesn't my job fit anymore?
- That sinking feeling - or why do I feel financially vulnerable?
And many more intriguing topics...
Not only does she raise these issues and encourage us to challenge our assumptions about them, she also provides straightforward tools and resources to help us make changes that can impact our own lives and families, the lives of other mothers and society.
This is a book that every mother should read, share and talk about with family and friends.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars A Good Effort June 12, 2012

By Learning New Ways

Format:Paperback

I have read a number of books about changing family structure recently, including "Equally Shared Parenting", "Avoiding the Mommy Trap", "The Four-Thirds Solution" and others.

Gen-Xers have struggled with these issues (I am about the same age as the author), and we had a lack of models and books for this in the 1990s. We benefited from all the work done in the 1960s and 1970s to give women and men more equal rights, but the work of actually putting it into practice in families and in the workplace then fell to us. We have succeeded somewhat, I think, but I think we can do more. I hope as we move into more senior status here in the next ten years, we continue to "pay it forward" by helping those after us as we were helped.

This book makes a contribution by illustrating: (a) that our tax and benefits systems are structured around the sole breadwinner and female primary parent, and(b) what it is like to break through from a traditional marriage set up in that style, or a transitional marriage where each person has one foot in old ways and one foot in new ways, to a truly modern marriage of equals, where each partner is both earning and taking responsibility for the unpaid work of the family. Her account of the "next wedding" is very moving.

The author is candid and courageous in discussing her personal experiences, and she appears to be working hard to help others who wish to change to do so.

The book is weaker than other books of this kind, however, because the author doesn't appear to have really let go of the psychology of the female primary parent and to have taken full responsibility for earning.... There are many references in the book to setting up social programs that (a) enable low-income mothers not to work for pay and to stay at home with children (did we learn nothing from the Moynihan programs which effectively paid women to have children and saw men as having no personal or financial responsibility for children; I met a woman recently who had 11 children on welfare, for example, and many of those children are still in poverty today), (b) that provide extra, unfunded Social Security benefits to women who stay home with children (where does the money come for this? There is no discussion of charging the sole breadwinner in this set-up 2x payroll taxes (or premiums) to pay for this), and (c) that see mothers as "entitled to fully explore and develop her identity as she chooses: as a woman, a citizen, a parent, or an employee" (the idea that it can be a "choice" to skip one of these identities seems at odds with the theme of the book; moreover there is no discussion of these choices having consequences).

Because of this focus, which may have to do with the author wanting to maintain her political base of the "Mothers and More" group, the book lacks a discipline and focus that is necessary to create real change to make it easier for people who want 2-earner/2-parent families to get them.

I was struck while reading this book at how this contributes to the polarization in our economy between (a) sole breadwinner types like Paul Ryan and other GoP folks who loathe social programs like Social Security and Medicare because they see these programs as having no value and (b) the mommybloggers and mommyculture who still look to men as primary earners (creating the psychology that someone like Paul Ryan has) and who seem to be meandering around with these issues rather than taking real action to take responsibility for earning, to view these programs with a more disciplined eye and thus to initiate the change in family structure needed to eliminate the polarization.

This author is taking action, and I thank her for that, but she might have done better if she had been more disciplined about this. As she notes herself, as soon as she got a job and took earning seriously, her husband stepped up his efforts at taking responsibility for unpaid work of the family; she called this a "self-fulfilling prophecy". As soon as she and her husband acknowledged the importance of their daughter having a good relationship with her father, he started taking daily responsibility for her. These are the basics that are needed; if every woman just did these things alone, our world would be a better place, and I suspect our political polarization would resolve. Read more ›

5 of 7 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Remodeled Mother October 14, 2009

By Tara T. Brettholtz

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Like Kristin Maschka, I thought I had a pretty modern view on motherhood and family, but sometimes things just didn't feel right. How come I was the one who just knew everything about our child and the household? From knowing when our daughter needed her next appointment with the pediatrician to tackling mountains of laundry and other household chores, I couldn't understand why I had all those family responsibilities... while sharing pretty equally in the breadwinnning too.

Then I read Remodeling Motherhood and it all became clear. Maschka calls out some of those "mental maps" that are hiding behind our every thought and action. I thought I believed that my husband and I should share the family work equally since we are both employed, but I realized that I held a subconscious belief that "mothers are naturally better at caring for children" just as Maschka writes about through her own experience. That hidden belief was causing me to knock myself out, trying to handle more than my fair share of the work at home. But the truth is that dads and partners can be equally good at raising their kids, and should be given the chance to try.

Life since reading this book has changed for the better. In a "remodeled" moment one Saturday morning, our young child needed bath, but I also had another very important obligation to tend to. As I was trying to give my child a speed-bath, I realized that I believed that as the mother, I should be the one to give all the baths. Garbage. My husband could do it. I called him to take over, while I did what I needed to do. You know what? He did a great job.

We haven't looked back since.

2 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Motherhood Reality Check October 15, 2009

By AnnD

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Finally, a realistic take on the challenges and rewards and frustrations of
motherhood....this book will be especially helpful to new and 'newish' mothers
who might find the reality of motherhood doesn't quite fit their naive
expectations. This book will have real moments of recognition for them and
incredibly helpful support, so they will know they are not alone and that most
young mothers face similar challenges. This book is to be read and shared and
can be an important and useful point of discussion among mothers who were
afraid to share their true feelings and frustrations because of their fear
of being perceived as 'bad' mothers....The book makes clear the struggles
of parenting are hugely worthwhile and we can all get through the ups and
downs with some humor, support and practical tips. There are lots of funny
anecdotes plus an amazing amount of research. A must read for all
young mothers!