Customer Reviews

This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today

5 star:		(5)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

We've all read the books and articles that tell us that mothers can have it all - the perfect baby, perfect marriage, flexible job, etc...but what happened when you found out everything wasn't perfect? That new reality was difficult for me. The worst part was that I thought I was the only one that felt confused and out of place. In Kristin Maschka's book she takes on the issues that mothers and families face (and usually don't talk about) in a way that is smart, funny and personal. Some of the chapters include:
- The mother of all to-do lists - or why didn't anyone tell me how hard this is?
- Oxygen masks - or why am I at the bottom of my own lists?
- Identity whiplash - or who am I now?
- I'm a square peg - or why doesn't my job fit anymore?
- That sinking feeling - or why do I feel financially vulnerable?
And many more intriguing topics...
Not only does she raise these issues and encourage us to challenge our assumptions about them, she also provides straightforward tools and resources to help us make changes that can impact our own lives and families, the lives of other mothers and society.
This is a book that every mother should read, share and talk about with family and friends.

Like Kristin Maschka, I thought I had a pretty modern view on motherhood and family, but sometimes things just didn't feel right. How come I was the one who just knew everything about our child and the household? From knowing when our daughter needed her next appointment with the pediatrician to tackling mountains of laundry and other household chores, I couldn't understand why I had all those family responsibilities... while sharing pretty equally in the breadwinnning too.

Then I read Remodeling Motherhood and it all became clear. Maschka calls out some of those "mental maps" that are hiding behind our every thought and action. I thought I believed that my husband and I should share the family work equally since we are both employed, but I realized that I held a subconscious belief that "mothers are naturally better at caring for children" just as Maschka writes about through her own experience. That hidden belief was causing me to knock myself out, trying to handle more than my fair share of the work at home. But the truth is that dads and partners can be equally good at raising their kids, and should be given the chance to try.

Life since reading this book has changed for the better. In a "remodeled" moment one Saturday morning, our young child needed bath, but I also had another very important obligation to tend to. As I was trying to give my child a speed-bath, I realized that I believed that as the mother, I should be the one to give all the baths. Garbage. My husband could do it. I called him to take over, while I did what I needed to do. You know what? He did a great job.

We haven't looked back since.

Finally, a realistic take on the challenges and rewards and frustrations of
motherhood....this book will be especially helpful to new and 'newish' mothers
who might find the reality of motherhood doesn't quite fit their naive
expectations. This book will have real moments of recognition for them and
incredibly helpful support, so they will know they are not alone and that most
young mothers face similar challenges. This book is to be read and shared and
can be an important and useful point of discussion among mothers who were
afraid to share their true feelings and frustrations because of their fear
of being perceived as 'bad' mothers....The book makes clear the struggles
of parenting are hugely worthwhile and we can all get through the ups and
downs with some humor, support and practical tips. There are lots of funny
anecdotes plus an amazing amount of research. A must read for all
young mothers!

I was sent This is Not How I Thought it Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today by Kristin Maschka. (Sidenote: I LOVE getting books in the mail. It's just like Christmas!) I was actually in the middle of another book but picked this one up on a whim and read the first page. Every word was something that I could identify with. So I kept reading. And reading. And, well, you get the idea.

Kristin Maschka has written a book about her struggles as a new mother and figuring out what her role was supposed to be. She struggled (just as I did) to feel at ease being predominantly focused on being a mom. She traded in a corporate job to stay home with her daughter but felt that the work at home was being unevenly divided. She had a hard time dealing with her new identity and with the guilt of those feelings on top of that.

Boy can I relate.

I couldn't understand why I wasn't over the moon with my new role and daily duties and I didn't know why I kept fighting with my husband. The never ending guilt and frustration plagued me every day. And it plagued Kristin too. So she wrote a book about how to make it better.

Kristin talked a lot about Mind Maps and how they affect our perceptions on things. Here are a few:
Moms who work are selfish
Moms who stay home are not cultured or intelligent
Moms should be the primary caregiver because they're naturally better at it
Dads who work shouldn't have to do any of the house work duties when the moms stay home

I'll admit it; I struggled with this book. Clearly, I have very defined Mind Maps that dictate my perceptions in this arena. But it's made me stop and think. I won't give too much away but if you're feeling overwhelmed by your new role as a mother or know someone who is, grab this book. It's written in a thought-provoking way to make you evaluate how you truly view motherhood and gives you tools to change things if you decide you need to.

This book is good from the perspective of discussing the experiences of new moms and giving a reader a sense that they are not alone; unfortunately, it does not really offer any specific solutions (short of changing the society we live in). Also, the author is an organizational change consultant and a member of a nationwide activist group for mothers, and her views are strongly colored by these. Others who are less in touch with organizational behavior and community groups may find those viewpoints a little excessive in the book. Still, the feeling that other educated and successful women may find motherhood challenging in unexpected ways is very reassuring.

Sorry to do this but I must. I have read pretty much every book on topic and this one adds nothing to the conversation. Get the Mask of Motherhood or the Mommy Myth if you want to educate yourself and refine your point of view. This book amounts to a long whine.

Full-Time-Employed-Outside-of-the-House-Mother-of-Three-Under-Six
Fairfield, CT

Parents everywhere are struggling with raising their children and adapting to the new strains that having children put on their marriages and their expectations as adults. This book is another one in a long line of books that are dominating the bookshelves in your local bookstore. However, this one is a must-read (even if it covers familiar territory) as Maschka offers her "tool-kits" on how to improve your marriage, communication and even in financing. Her advice and suggestions are not only interwoven with personal stories of her own life and of other mothers, the advice come at the end of each chapter in a form of thought-provoking questions and suggestions.

This book is well-written and it has personal insights from the author herself as she struggled with her expectations as a mother and as a wife. Blindsided by the fact that she is a woman and then a mother, she wasn't expecting society's stereotypes to affect her after all, she has been breaking the stereotypes since she was a young girl asking to play basketball on the boys' team in junior high. Raised in a family where the girls are expected to do the things as boys (her father was very athletic in his young days and he encouraged that in his daughters), Maschka figured she could do anything until reality smacked her in the face. Soon, she was the one staying home all day long with an infant while her husband was working 70-80 hours a week as a lawyer. The resentments piled up as the couple struggled with what they were expecting and didn't expect. Maschka then decides that she has to change things around but wasn't sure how.

This book is a result of that investigation. It is also a compilation of other parents' stories. Maschka was fortunate enough to be the president of a nation-wide organization called Mothers & More, as she was able to ask the mothers in that organization a series of questions to get a feel of what parents all across America are feeling or struggling with. Personal stories are enterwined with the statisical facts that Maschka discovered during her research. Then she offers her personal insights that might help parents address the issues in their marriages such as gender-roles, finances, communication and more. This book definitely needs to be read alongside the other popular books such as "The Price of Motherhood" by Ann Crittendon, to name one. Maschka writes with passion and even if her personal stories are sometimes redundant in places, they need to be told so all parents can realize that they are not alone when faced with a screaming infant and their spouse is off to work, whistling merrily out the door.

Perhaps if more parents read this book, then perhaps the changes that are so desperately needed in American workforces will be made because more people would be informed and ask for reforms. And perhaps if more people would read this book, the assumptions of gender roles can be reversed and all parents are treated equally. It can revoluntize the workplace in a good way and benefiting the rest of the country.

This book is a good start.

10/12/09

If you are a mom, you have to read this book. It is funny, insightful, and smart. She gives words to things I could never quite articulate. Why do we (moms) become the ones who KNOW and dads flounder around while we look in disgust? What happened to equality in childraising? Why did it go out the window when I had my kids? She gives interesting answers to these questions and more. The best part about the book - she gives ideas to move forward toward change.
Once I started this book, I couldn't stop reading. You will do this to. Amazing. 5 stars +!

Kristin Maschka does a wonderful job of shedding light on the incredibly complex issues mothers face--at work, in their homes, their lives, and with their partners. She then gives the tools one needs to overcome these issues and "remodel their lives" to the one they originally envisioned. She does does this all while sharing her personal experiences with some humor laced throughout. Highly recommended for any parent out there.

Sorry to have to be the one to tell Maschka this but while she and so many like her find time to write, whine and read books about the woeful life of Motherhood there are many women who are managing to hold all of this down by themselves as single heads of households, in part because instead of writing and whining about motherhood, they are busy being mothers. I am so sick and tired of these grown women whining and behaving like kids who just learned that there is no santa! Grow up for goodness sake. Life is not easy for anyone.Marriage and kids are supposed to be adult tasks that require some sacrifices of time ,self and yes even dreams at times. And really ... just how bad can your life be when you've got two sets of grandparents supporting you in the raising of your only chid as does Maschka. Perhaps a cure for these self absorbed types could be a two week volunteer stint in Haiti with Mothers who know what it means to be tired and lacking in support. For the good of everyone... GET over yourselves and stop writing and reading these ridiculous books!