I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation [Paperback]

Laura Davis (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 29, 2003

In her bestselling classic The Courage to Heal, Laura Davis helped millions heal from the pain of child sexual abuse. Now, in I Thought We'd Never Speak Again, she tackles another critical, emerging issue: reconciling relationships that have been damaged by betrayal, anger, and misunderstanding.

With clarity and compassion, Davis maps the reconciliation process through gripping first-person stories of people who have mended relationships in a wide variety of circumstances. In these pages, parents reconcile with children, embittered siblings reconnect, angry friends reunite, and war veterans and crime victims meet with their enemies. Davis weaves these powerful accounts with her own experiences reconciling with her mother after a long, painful estrangement.

Making a crucial distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness, Davis explains how people can make peace in relationships without necessarily forgiving past hurts. In addition to a special section called "Ideas for Reflection and Discussion," she includes a self-assessment quiz, "Are You Ready for Reconciliation?"

Whether you want to reconcile a relationship that has ended, improve a relationship that is difficult or distant, or learn the skills you need for dealing with the inevitable conflicts we all face in life, this book will teach you to mend troubled relationships and find peace.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

We've all been advised to forgive and forget, but rarely has anyone suggested a way to reconcile without necessarily forgiving. I Thought We'd Never Speak Again does. It covers every sort of contention, from seemingly minor differences that can escalate over time to larger issues of abuse, neglect, and dysfunction.

Author Laura Davis (The Courage to Heal) once again comes from a very personal place in this book; she has slowly renewed relations with her mother's family after 10 years with no contact. As she interviews people and shares their stories, she uses the wisdom they've gained to illustrate numerous ways to reconcile--sometimes involving forgiveness and sometimes not. From the family who lost a member to a drunk driver or drive-by shooting to generations of kids on opposite sides of racial, religious, or political issues, the process of coming to peace is a lengthy one, marked by both pain and rewards.

Useful for adults who are dealing with personal issues or families trying to move beyond the emotional aftermath of 9/11, this loving and thoughtful book examines how we can all work together to achieve understanding. --Jill Lightner --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Families, partnerships and friendships can break up over what appear to be surmountable conflicts, and efforts at damage control are often unproductive. Davis (coauthor, The Courage to Heal), a counselor to survivors of childhood sexual abuse, does an excellent job of mapping out an effective reconciliation process. She explains how to rationally assess the possibility of success, recognize the value of partial reconciliation and establish the rules of engagement. Throughout the book are riveting first-person stories by a neglectful mother who made amends with her grown children, a man who organized a reconciliation workshop between children of Holocaust victims and children of Nazis, and many others that illustrate how compassion, honesty and the ability to listen are indispensable. Davis's book is most useful as a guide to reconciliation with intimates; when she extends the scope to include restorative justice initiatives, the issues become somewhat muddied. The needs of violent crime victims and offenders in mediation programs, for example, don't seem exactly the same as those of feuding families and friends. Without a discussion of those differences, the concepts of reconciliation and forgiveness can be confused with empowerment and revenge. In addition, for crime victims and discrimination victims, the social pressure to "get over it" can be fierce, something Davis touches on only briefly. Nonetheless, her insight, clear writing and especially the extensive personal anecdotes should be helpful to readers struggling with these issues.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 368 pages
• Publisher: Harper Perennial (April 29, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060957026
• ISBN-13: 978-0060957025
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #123,944 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #88 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Relationships > Conflict Management

More About the Author

Laura Davis is a nationally recognized expert on healing from child sexual abuse. She is the co-author of The Courage to Heal, Beginning to Heal, and Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, as well as the author of Allies in Healing. She lives in Santa Cruz, CA.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

29 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Discerning and insightful, a life-changing book, May 15, 2002

By 

Harold McFarland (Florida) - See all my reviews
(HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (Hardcover)

We all become entangled in an estranged relationship from time to time. Often there is a big hole in our lives where a relationship once flourished. Feelings are hurt, opportunities lost, time passes and more special times are missed because of the estrangement. When do you find that enough is enough? When you have decided that the cost of the estranged relationship is too high, how to you go about reconciling? What if the other person is not ready to reconcile? How do you bring peace back to your life? These are all valid questions and here, finally, is a book on how to deal with these and other questions. Here is a book that details how to get past the barriers and start onto that road to reclaim that which was lost.

The book is filled with examples of minor differences that have caused complete separation to the much more serious problems of estrangement due to child abuse and similar very serious problems. She details her process of reconciliation with her mother after not speaking for ten years. She also details how others have moved to the point of reconciliation and what they have done. She starts by pointing out that all the knowledge that she had gained over the years was not necessarily correct. Must you forgive the other person first? Conventional wisdom is yes but she gives examples of people who have reconciled without forgiveness. Do you have to discuss the issue completely and get everything out in the open? Conventional wisdom is yes, yet she gives examples where reconciliation was possible only because they agreed not to discuss it between them. We are not dealing with a cookbook where you can say the process of reconciliation is step one, step two, step three. We are dealing with people and emotions and what is required for reconciliation is whatever the two people involved require. Reconciliation is a very personal process.

What types of reconciliations are discussed? Reconciling with a drunk driver who killed your child, a man shot by and then reconciled to his assailant, a young man who vandalized a church because of highly charged ethnic feelings but was reconciled to the church members. Extreme examples that sometimes are hard to understand how a person can rise to that point of reconciliation. But the world is a better place because people can.
The last of the book contains a simple test that the reader can take to determine if they are ready for reconciliation. Part of the process is based on being ready to reconcile and having the common ingredients that make reconciliation successful. These common ingredients include time, maturity, discernment, compassion, honesty, determination, courage, listening and accountability.

If you are entangled in an estranged relationship or know someone who is then this book should be required reading. If you are ready to reconcile a relationship but dont know how then find the courage in the examples in this book. If the cost of being apart has become too great then learn how to quit paying the costs. An indispensable book for those who are ready to move on with their life after an estranged relationship or those who want to help prevent an estranged relationship in the first place when possible, it is a highly recommended read.

16 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I needed her wisdom with my personal issues, June 9, 2002

By 

Marilyn Atler - See all my reviews

This review is from: I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (Hardcover)

Laura has given me so much to think about. I have been estranged from my sister for 12 years. She has given me insights and ideas that I hope will help heal this relationship.
I highly recommend the book.

13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Source If You Seek Reconcilliation, June 5, 2002

By 

Peter B Bloch (Toronto, Ontario Canada) - See all my reviews

This review is from: I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (Hardcover)

Unlike many other books, you may want to start by reading the appendices. If you open to Appendix A, you will start with an excellent questionnaire that will help you to know if you are ready for reconcilliation. You also may use information in the appendices to get a FREE reconcilliation newsletter. There also is help in deciding whether to seek psychotherapy and how to form a discussion group.

The body of the book uses one of the most effective tools known to self-improvement. It reports in-depth interviews with real people who have experienced different kinds of reconcilliation, from minor improvements to incredible breakthroughs. If it is your intention to reconcile yourself to another, it is very likely that these experiential stories will strike a receptive chord in you. This may well help you to find new inner resources to find the new peace and tranquility that you yearn for.

If you have a problem involving reconcilliation, this is the book for you.

Peter Bloch
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