I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power [Paperback]

Brene Brown (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 27, 2007

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. We spend too much precious time and energy managing perception and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. As hard as we try, we can’t seem to turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like, “Never good enough!” and “What will people think?”

Why? What fuels this unattainable need to look like we always have it all together? At first glance we might think it’s because we admire perfection, but that’s not the case. We are actually the most attracted to people we consider to be authentic and down-to-earth. We love people who are “real” – we’re drawn to those who both embrace their imperfections and radiate self-acceptance.

There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we’re supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection.

Based on seven years of ground-breaking research and hundreds of interviews, I Thought It Was Just Me shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

Dr. Brown writes, “We need our lives back. It’s time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection – the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives.”

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

University of Houston researcher and social worker Brown believes shame underlies the spread of depression, anxiety, eating disorders and much more, and drawing on a study of hundreds of women, she constructs a method for overcoming it. Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging" and believes its spread has been created by conflicting and competing expectations about who women should be. Women feel shame about their appearance, about motherhood, family, money/work, health, stereotypes and trauma. Brown quotes liberally from the women she has studied and, most enlighteningly, gives examples from her own experiences juggling motherhood, career and her social life. These revelations underscore her belief in the importance of exposing shame and, through empathy, helping oneself and others move past it. She underscores the need to practice critical awareness, i.e., understanding the social forces that create shame in us can help us fight the sense of shame. Thus, Brown presents a spirited attack on the media and the beauty industry for presenting unrealistic images of women. Directing readers to focus on personal growth as opposed to unattainable perfection, Brown urges them to practice shame-resilience skills and teach them to their children. (Feb.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Booklist

Interviewing hundreds of women over six years, Brown was constantly faced with the shame just talking about shame induced. She explores how and why this universal human emotion is particularly present in women and how it affects behavior and relationships. She relates women's stories of shame about everything from obsession over appearance to sexual abuse, abuse of alcohol and drugs, and inadequacies as mothers, wives, and lovers. Brown offers insights and strategies for understanding shame and overcoming its power over women. She begins by defining shame and differentiating it from other emotions, and explores how shame is used and induced in the broader culture. She then identifies four elements of resilience: recognizing shame triggers, critical awareness, reaching out for help and connection with others, and speaking out about shame. She advises women on practicing courage, compassion, and connection to overcome cultures of fear, blame, and disconnection. An interesting look at a debilitating emotion that stunts the potential of too many women. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

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Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  
• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Gotham (December 27, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1592403352
• ISBN-13: 978-1592403356
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (38 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,637 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #15 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Women's Studies
  • #88 in Books > Religion & Spirituality > Spirituality > Personal Transformation

More About the Author

Dr. Brené Brown is a writer, researcher, and educator. She is a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the past ten years studying connection - specifically authenticity, belonging, and shame, and the affect these powerful emotions have on the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.

Dr. Brown teaches graduate courses on shame and empathy, global justice, qualitative research, and women's issues. She has won numerous teaching awards, including the College's Outstanding Faculty Award. In 2008, Brené was named Behavioral Health Scholar-in-Residence at the Council on Alcohol and Drugs Houston. She also serves on the working board of The Nobel Women's Initiative - a peace and justice initiative established in 2006 by six Nobel Peace Laureates to help strengthen work being done in support of women's rights around the world.

Brené is the author of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power (Gotham, 2007). She is also the author of Connections, a psycho-educational shame resilience curriculum that is being facilitated across the nation by mental health and addiction professionals. Dr. Brown's work has been featured on PBS and the Oprah and Friends Radio Network, and has appeared in Self Magazine, Elle Magazine and many national newspapers. She is also a frequent guest on radio shows across the US.

Her latest work focuses on the importance of nurturing authenticity, love and belonging, and a resilient spirit in our families, schools, and communities.

Brené lives in Houston with her husband, Steve, and their two young children, Ellen and Charlie.

Brené blogs at www.ordinarycourage.com. Event information is available at www.brenebrown.com.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

64 of 66 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful book and an engaging read, February 6, 2007

By 

Beverly A. Mcphail "texasfeminist" (Houston, TX) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame (Hardcover)

To be perfectly upfront, I would like to acknowledge that I am a friend and colleague of the author, Brené Brown. But also to be perfectly upfront, I would really appreciate her book even if I was not.

This book is powerful in its scope and impact as it lays out what shame is, how women respond to shame, and how women can respond differently to shame in order to become shame resilient.

Brené helps women identify what their shame triggers are, how to develop a critical awareness about how shame is impacted by larger forces in our lives, such as media images of extremely thin and beautiful women, how women can reach out to others, and how to learn to "speak shame."

As Brené was writing the book and I was reading early drafts, I was already learning to apply her concepts to my life. For instance, previously when I experienced a shameful moment I would curl up in a little ball of pain, constantly replay the shamming incident in my head, castigate myself over and over, and then wait for the passage of time to relieve some of my symptoms, although even years later I could get flashbacks of the event and the accompanying pain. Today, due to Brené and her book, I react very differently. I call multiple friends and share my painful story and seek out comfort, caring, and empathy. I begin to "contexualize" the shameful event, that is, I see how political, economic, and social forces have shaped my personal experiences. For instance, that expectation that women must be "superwoman" juggling kids, work, partners" perfectly, which is an unreasonable expectation that no woman can live up to. That helps put my experience into context and allow me to see the broader picture.

This book is a gift to women from a committed scholar and researcher. Although the hype on many books is that "it will change your life," this book has that potential. And it doesn't hurt that it is written in an accessible, friendly tone with many stories to illustrate her ideas that will make you both laugh and cry.

I highly recommend the book. I predict it will be one of those books you read and then go out and buy for your mother and sisters and best friend. I know I did.

38 of 38 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fresh, Ground-Breaking, Life-Changing, March 22, 2007

By 

O. Brown "Ms. O. Khannah-Brown" (Twopeas, WA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame (Hardcover)

*****
This is an incredible book about a little-discussed subject---shame. Almost painful even to think about, the book comprehensively covers the relationship between women and shame. If you are a woman in America, you should read this book. My copy is highlighted, bookmarked, the spine is cracked and it looks like it's been through a war, but it's just been very well-read and well-used by me.

The subtitle of the book is "Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame". The book does not simply diagnose the problem with our culture, but assists women on their individual journey of processing their experiences with shame, and overcoming damage, moving to a better place of power and courage.

Apparently there are currently many shame researchers, but not much has been written about the latest research outside of academic circles. "I Thought It Was Just Me", though research-based, is written for each of us, academic or non-academic, feminist or non-feminist, religious or non-religious, in an approachable, interesting style. The material is somewhat difficult to read only because of the personal issues it triggers; other than that it is very approachable, not dry at all.

The author also discusses changing our culture, one person at a time, with the last chapters addressing how to practice courage, compassion and connection---in a culture of fear, blame and disconnection.

After reading this book I feel more empowered to be me and to stay free of shaming messages. I also feel very convicted and aware of how I have used words and looks to shame others. Of all of the non-fiction books I've read, this one has probably had the most practical impact in my life.

Highly recommended.
*****

48 of 50 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Well Done, February 14, 2007

By 

Book Review - See all my reviews

This review is from: I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame (Hardcover)

I had the interesting experience of having a patient recommend this book to me. Like the previous reviewer I'm often skeptical of pop psychology and self-help books. Human problems are always simplified and too many writers are eager to offer a quick fix. I read with a critical eye and found this book to be extremely helpful, based on solid, original research and tied to the work of some of the foremost authorities on shame and human behaviour (how can one dismiss her references to the Stone Center and Helen Block Lewis). Ironically, most of the references in the index are academic in nature (or organisations supporting research). I was able to locate her academic work and it indeed provides details on her methodology and a more thorough list of references but is far less interesting to read. If Prof. Brown was setting out to write a book that is interesting, accessible and quite helpful, I believe she is spot on.