How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women [Paperback]

Terrence Real (Author)

Book Description

Release date: December 31, 2002

"What happened to the passion we started with?

Why aren't we as close as we used to be?"

PROBLEM: If you are a woman who is unfulfilled in your marriage...if you feel unheard or overburdened...if you quietly live in a state of slow-burn resentment...

PROBLEM: If you are a man unhappy that your partner seems so unhappy with you...if you feel bewildered, unappreciated, or betrayed...

This book offers a solution

Bestselling author and nationally renowned therapist Terrence Real unearths the causes of communication blocks between men and women in this groundbreaking work. Relationships are in trouble; the demand for intimacy today must be met with new skills, and Real -- drawing on his pioneering work on male depression -- gives both men and women those skills, empowering women and connecting men, radically reversing the attitudes and emotional stumbling blocks of the patriarchal culture in which we were raised. Filled with powerful stories of the couples Real treats, no other relationship book is as straight talking or compelling in its innovative approach to healing wounds and reconnecting partners with a new strength and understanding.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

"Conventional therapy has failed most couples," Real writes, and with over 20 years of marriage and family counseling experience, he's qualified to judge. Though traditional marital counseling has been prevalent for 30 years, divorce rates remain the same, and studies show that counseling has no lasting effect on either marital satisfaction or endurance. The author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, the national bestseller on male depression, Real is attuned to the characteristics of contemporary marriages and demonstrates insight into both male and female perspectives. The fundamental problem, he argues, is American culture's deeply entrenched "psychological patriarchy," which devalues all things feminine (including healthy relationships) and wounds males at an early age by disconnecting them from themselves and others. Men can't relate, and women can't teach them how ("If a wife truly demands that her emotional needs be met, she may indeed put her marriage on the line"). Counseling, too, fails them both in a "collusion of silence" as to what's really wrong. Real's alternative is "relational recovery." Identifying a healthy marriage as one following the repeated pattern of "harmony, disharmony, and restoration," Real teaches five skills for accomplishing the crucial, ongoing task of repair: holding the relationship in high regard, preserving intimacy and relational (i.e., authentically connected) speaking, listening and negotiating. With numerous scenes from his therapy sessions including quarrels most married couples will recognize Real deftly shows readers how to transcend "our culture's anti-relational bias" and move "out of patriarchy into healthy relatedness." This is a well-balanced and exciting new addition to the marriage-manual genre. Agent, Beth Vesel. (Jan.)Forecast: This breakthrough handbook should cause a stir in the marriage guidance field, with its acknowledgement of counseling's failings and exposing of what Real considers unhealthy fundamental American cultural values.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Two veteran family therapists have each written an excellent book on communication between partners. The author of I Don't Want To Talk About It, Real analyzes the reasons why men and women don't speak the same emotional language: boys' emotional relationships are squelched early on by peers, siblings, and fathers, whereas women learn to accommodate. Written with couples' therapy dramatizations, Real's book demonstrates his five relational skills: how to hold the relationship in regard, how to speak, how to listen, how to negotiate, and how to stay on course. Real, who is often called upon to arbitrate between couples as a last resort, is excellent at showing how couples can uncover hidden issues from the past and begin healing. The author of How To SayR It to Your Kids, Coleman takes a workbook approach to marriage therapy. He opens with six questions to which the couple must answer "happy" or "unhappy." He then explains his GIFTS technique in conversations: be Gentle, fix arguments with In-flight repairs, Find hidden concerns, use Teamwork, and reassure with Supportive comments. Each chapter begins with a scenario and continues with short tips under the "Have you heard?" heading, followed by "How to say it" and "How not to say it" and ending with "How to say it to yourself." Since chapter layouts are the same, the reader can easily pick out a problem area and read the two- to three-page chapter. Some topics include encouraging more conversation, rigid vs. flexible personalities, pregnancy, and cybersex. As popular marriage therapy manuals, these books are both suitable for public libraries and medical collections. The Coleman title is easier to use for a quick "fix," but Real's theories about men and women and how to take care of a marriage, though challenging, may prove more fruitful. Lisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NY
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Scribner (December 31, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684868784
• ISBN-13: 978-0684868783
• Product Dimensions: 4.4 x 0.8 x 7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.9 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (35 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #13,996 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #19 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Counseling

More About the Author

Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

106 of 113 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars This is work that we all need to do January 22, 2002

By Ed Shea

Format:Hardcover

After 30 years as a licensed Marriage and Family counselor, I now
make it a point to recommend _How Can I Get Through to You?
(Reconnecting Men and Women)_ to every couple in my practice. As
a man, husband (32 years) and father (of a son and daughter), I
credit this book with changing my life.

Although I have seen these issues play out over three decades of
leading partners through couples therapy, the wisdom and insights
that I've gleaned from this book have offered me a new

perspective from which to help couples help themselves.

Terrence Real speaks of the breakdown of couple relationships as
a mirror of societal gender conflict. We (patriarchal culture)
socialize boys to be competitive and girls to be compliant. When
men and women become joined in marriage, it is a union of two
different species. However Real moves beyond merely describing
the differences between men and women by recommending a radical
course of bringing the genders back into balance - and wholeness.
He refers to this as 1) empowering the woman and 2) reconnecting
the man. This core concept really speaks to me for I find that
the majority of the couples in my practice are living examples of
the corrupted communication patterns that Real describes through
his model and illustrates so well in case studies.

The greatest insight that I received from this material is an
understanding of the profound impact of the early disconnection
of men. As Real explains, both girls and boys are severely
wounded during the socialization process - but the damage to
boys is more significant because their disconnect (from
relationship, from their feelings and from all that is considered
"feminine") occurs at such an early (between 3 and 5 years) age.
I and all men walk around this planet with covert depression
because of the parts of us that got lost.

In my work with couples, I emphasize the skills of healthy
relating with the insights presented in this book as background. I now have a deeper understanding of where each party is coming from and I can better see their gifts, honor their wounds and hold a vision of what may be possible for them. In this way, I seek to empower the couple - by being the orchestrator who holds the sacred space for a more fulfilling relationship.

One of Real's most powerful contributions is his notion of the
five key Relational Skills. As I have seen in my practice, these
skills can be taught to and internalized by both parties in a
relationship." I've seen evidenced, internalized by both parties.
When a couple has the core skills and an intention to replace the
"control, revenge, resignation syndrome" with "harmony,
disharmony, repair", the future is much, much brighter.

This is work we all need to do.

34 of 36 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars THIS BOOK MAY HAVE SAVED MY MARRIAGE!! January 14, 2002

By Elizabeth

Format:Hardcover

I have read everything out there to try and salvage an eighteen year relationship. I saw myself and my husband on every page of this book. It was amazing. For the first time I understood what was going on and why it has been so hard to talk to each other. I gave this book to my husband and insisted that we read it together and we actually talked about it.
This is the smartest book on couples I have ever read. It explains why so many men and women have so much trouble. It's full of ideas about how to make it better. The stories made me laugh and sometimes even cry, like a good novel. I loved every minute of it. And it's just brimming over with casual comments that are so profound. Like this - "The great paradox of intimacy is that in order to sustain closeness we have to be capable of bearing solitude inside the relationship." Or what Terry calls, "normal marital hatred." There are a million of these. I honestly can say I'd like to see everyone who wants their relationship to work to read this. It should be passed out along with marriage licenses. It is far and away the best thing I have ever found. Thank you!

40 of 44 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Dont read the book without a highlighter .... November 7, 2002

By Say Grace

Format:Hardcover

because, Im telling you... you will be sorry like I am now, going through the book the second time with a yellow highlighter (use the color of your choice,blue, pink whatever) On the other hand if you read Real's other book "I Dont want to Talk about It" first (but I'm not talking about it now) and then read this book you will receive an education of a lifetime, especially if your married and would like to stay that way. The part about greiving for what you dont have in your marriage was especially critical to me, but there is SO much! I'm astounded that there are so few reviews here... I can really relate to the parts about Reals own marriage too. Excellent..10 stars!