Customer Reviews

Toddler Taming: A Survival Guide for Parents

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

How I hate to give a bad review - but here goes...

This book is pernicious and dangerous, but sadly because it tells parents what they may want to hear, some of them will buy it.

Why is my response to this book so strong? I am biased. I believe hitting children when they are naughty is abusive and counter-productive. This book does nothing to cure me of my view on this matter - in fact I find the discussion on punishment here to be yet another example of a circular argument. Instead, think of it this way: if I smack you I am inescapably conveying the message that it's OK to be violent. I am also telling you that it's OK for big powerful people to push smaller people around. With the best will in the world, these are the opposite of the messages I actually want to convey, but children pick up on what adults do more than on what they say. People might say 'what happens when there's no alternative?' but there are always alternatives. Smacking is the resort of parents at the end of their tether. It is an admission of failure, which may 'work' in the short term but will only cause more problems in the long term. It represents a lack of imagination on the part of the parent, and there is always a better way.

How can I say this? Only because I am the parent of a toddler (and a three-month old baby), and I know at first hand how hard it can be. My toddler is a delightful little girl, as well as a frequent menace to society. If I want her to be even more of a delight and less of a menace she doesn't need 'taming' - she needs loving, and there's a world of difference.

Obviously this is lost on Christopher Green, who seems to be of the 'I was thrashed to within an inch of my life and it never did me any harm' school of thought. Even if you wanted to read something that backs up your existing views on how great smacking is, I couldn't really recommend this, because Green doesn't give a coherent argument in defense of corporal punishment.

Do yourself a favour: skip 'Toddler Taming' and read instead Adele Faber et al.'s 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk'. This is the best book available on bringing up emotionally healthy, happy children.

After reading the reviews posted by other parents, I bought this book hoping for some sound advice on discipline techniques for my 22 month old. I was astounded by the methods that Dr. Green suggests. His advice for the majority of situations is to "smack" the child. This is exactly what I am trying to avoid in disciplining my child. And his advice for keeping your child in his/her room when put to bed or sent to time-out is to tie one end of a rope around the door handle and tie the other end to something else so the door will only open slightly. Is that supposed to be professional advice?? That sounds almost abusive to me.

In addition to what I consider poor advice, the book was written in the 1980's and seems a little out of date in several instances.

If you are considering this book and are looking for alternatives to smacking your child or tying them in their rooms, I suggest you look for another book.

Thank goodness for Dr. Green's approach to raising toddlers. He uses common sense, humor and a comfortable knowledge about what makes our children tick at this age. As a parent, he recognizes the difficulties our dear ones can create, and as a professional (pediatrician and counselor for parents) he gives us nonthreatening advice on such issues as bedtime, sibling rivalry, tantrums, and general behavioral characteristics of children at this stage. By telling us parents what is reasonable to expect, he gives us room to raise or lower our expectations as need be. I cannot recommend this book too highly. It is clearly the BEST book on this topic that I have found, and I have read several.

I read this when I was pregnant, and found it mildly amusing. HOWEVER, I found it of little use when I had the baby. It is glib, and patronising, I thought.

As for the 'controlled crying' technique advocated here, I find it cruel and heartless. I couldn't listen to my baby cry for up to 10 or 15 minutes without offering comfort and presence. As for tying a door shut when a child has been sent to their room, again, I couldn't do it.

I would recommend T Berry Brazelton's 'Touchpoints' as a better book for parents of young children.

I found this book to be not only very helpful but really refreshing.

Personally, I don't find it permissible for myself as a parent to hit my child at any time. But I still appreciated the fact that the author goes out on a politically incorrect limb and states that in the real world, in loving families, it does happen. He then address the issue in light of that fact. My personal belief is hitting would be counter-productive in the long-run. Children are professional imitators -- why create that whole can of worms to be opened later? But making that mistake doesn't constitute child abuse, it just isn't very clever. The other suggestions he makes, which other reviewers have labelled abusive, are about stopping anger from escalating. If everyone did this real child abuse would actually be prevented.

His main message is don't be drawn into battle. And he gives advice on how to achieve that. I've found it very helpful and been feeling really confident as of late. Since I've been trying out his suggestions, e.g., distraction, my 19-month-old daughter hasn't had a full-blown tantrum yet. Instead of dreading entering the two-stage, I'm now looking forward to it.

All the positive said, even though it is a nice change not having the author sound sanctimonious, I do find the author's tone somewhat off-putting. It is a bit rough?? Too familiar?? Can't exactly place my finger on it, but it doesn't warrant that 'my bible' status. So I giving it four instead of five stars. Plus, I think the (excellent) ideas in this book are pretty wide-spread, so this particular book isn't really a rare gem. Still, it's clear and very easy to read. I really enjoyed it and I would definitely highly recommend this book.

I am staggered at some of the negative reviews of Toddler Taming. I found this book simply wonderful. I've read numerous child care books and the writers always seem to talk down to you. Dr Green with his "if it feels right for you, then it is right" message is the first childcare writer I have read whom I feel really understands the problems that parents have with difficult toddlers.

I've had four and our life has been helped immeasureably by this book. I would recommend it to anyone. Ignore the comments about trivialising and patronising the reader. He does nothing of the sort. He simply uses humor to get us through stressful situations and IT WORKS!!!

I loved this book. It was so down to earth and practical. I had been reading The Baby Book, and was into attachement parenting. Then my son hit 14 months and life suddenly kicked up a gear. I was tired, worn out from lack of sleep, suffering from no grown-up time with my partner, and shocked at the sudden change in my child. I felt like I was failing and struggling. My sister mentioned Dr Greens book, and I am pleased she did. It acknowledged that parenting is a tough job and kids can be horrible and show some pretty shocking behaviour. I realised I wasn't failing, my kid was normal!! This book uses humour and gives practical advice on how to deal with eating, tantrums, hitting, hair pulling, potty training and all the other stuff your kids can pull out if the hat. It deals with sibling rivlary, effects of relationship break-ups, pre-school, common illnesses. Yes, ok he does endorse smacking, but gives alternatives to deal with difficult, normal toddler behaviour. He also gives a real insight into toddlers motivations, and helps you keep your cool when dealing with tough issues. He reminds us what our aims are and not to get caught up in fire fighting as it is so easy to do. I recommend this book to everyone. Whether you agree with smacking or not, its a worthwhile resource. The book is so much more than that one issue. Its the most referred to parenting book on my bookshelf.

If you believe in timeout, spanking, tying your child's bedroom door closed so s/he can't get out, sedating your child to get him to sleep or making your child cry himself to sleep, then THIS is the book for you. This book ridicules parents who opt for non mainstream approaches to parenting and basically advocates a "whatever works best for you is fine" approach to parenting. No wonder so many people like it, as it vindicates pracically ALL parenting practices and grants absolution for lousy or damaging parenting practices. Why isn't there an option for NO stars?

2 thumbs waaaaay down.

We bought this book years ago, when our boys were very small (they are now 16 and 17). My wife also went to a presentation by Dr. Green in Australia.

The negative reviews have focused on the unacceptability of corporal punishment, etc. (comments that basically say: As soon as I saw that, I switched off my critical faculties...). This isn't the key issue in Dr. Green's book.

The key issue is: In any parent/child relationship, by definition one person is the child, the other is the parent. The parent MUST be a parent, which means be in charge, be responsible, make decisions for every one involved. Children, especially toddlers, are in no position to make decisions in complex things, so you can allow them input, etc., but while they may get a vote, only one vote counts: the parental vote.

The second important point is that growing children, at any age, but especially toddlers, need boundaries. They have no in-built socially-developed limits to their behavior and toddlers are notoriously self-centered. Long-term studies show that children with reasonable boundaries do far better in life than those who set their own, i.e., in most cases have none. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is the parents' responsibility and duty. If you don't enforce them, then they don't exist, as far as the child is concerned.

Perhaps a way to describe this is that you as the parent are in charge of the situation. You set the boundaries to the child's behavior. Within those boundaries, the child can assume control over their life, to such a degree as is appropriate for their development, etc. (as decided by the parent and child together). ("You can have your choice of .... for lunch." " Which game would you like to play?") This empowers the child to the degree they need or can handle, without overwhelming them. But the parent remains in charge.

In this context, a single smack can be a powerful signal to a child, especially when it is not a common occurrence. You may chose to use it when there is real danger and you need the child's instant and immediate attention and obedience. For example, no amount of discussion and reasoning will prevent a toddler from running into traffic, but a firmly held hand, or grabbing the child and carrying them, will. I'll put up with a slap on a thigh ahead of a child killed or maimed on the road: which has the worse long-term psychological trauma?

Dr. Green's advice about smacking/spanking a child is NOT to go at it with a will, but not to exclude its use, nor to go onto a whole guilt trip about the odd slap. He never advocates its use as more than part of a larger situation, and spends a lot of the book discussing clever things (e.g., tying the door shut) you can do to avoid spanking. As for tying doors up, you usually only need to do this once. It is about demonstrating parental resolve on boundary issues, as much as the actual tying up of the door. In his example in the book, this was clearly an extreme case, but it was used after reasoning, discussing and other approaches had failed. But it was an enforcement of parental authority, without corporal punishment.

Children grow and develop and learn much better when they have a set of boundaries that they know and can trust, i.e., they know that the boundaries are there and that they can't cross them. You ease boundaries as the child grows and matures. But they desperately need boundaries, and by not giving them you fail the child's developmental needs. Those needs (and the psychological fall-out from them not being there) are more important than the consequences of the odd smack. Children can't ask for what they don't know is there, so they cannot argue that they need the parent to set boundaries. Boundaries are a rather abstract concept, so aren't easy to discuss in abstract terms with small children.

In summary, what the book gets across is that parent need to be parents, and it provides a lot of support for being a parent. Not authoritarian or violent, but they need to be clearly in charge and to set boundaries for the child. These conditions actually make the child feel safer and cared for, and significantly aid development. How you, as a parent, go about this is a matter for your own taste, style and culture, but you have to do it. Otherwise, you aren't a parent.

As a pediatrician and a parent of three children, I can't say enough good about this book. The advice is simple and practical, the behavioral hints are valuable, and while Dr. Green endorses limited corporal punishment, you don't have to agree with him to benefit from this book. I also appreciated the gentle humor.

This is not a book that worships at the altar of childhood. It is one that depicts childhood as being an interim state on the way to adulthood. The child has to grow and learn, and the parents have to teach. Pretending otherwise, as too many "child development" books do, does everyone a disservice.

Especially for difficult children, I also like the fact that Dr. Green recognizes the different ways that parents may have to cope. Some children are naturally less tractable than others. But even severely developmentally delayed children benefit from simple, humane parenting. This book was a useful guide.