Customer Reviews

Tommy & Me: The Making of a Dad

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Ben Stein's intelligence, charm, and wit have given him the opportunity to do many things in life -- serve in the Nixon White House, practice law, teach law, write speeches, write columns, and write books. But most of us know him through his unforgettable portrayal of a monotone high school teacher in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "The Wonder Years" or his new Comedy Central game show "Win Ben Stein's Money," where he combines Jeopardy-like knowledge with none of the pretension.

Many people would use the blessings Mr. Stein has received for pure monetary gain. While he seems to have done some of that (this is, after all, America) he has focused the most important gifts he has -- his time and attention -- where they are needed most: on a child who might have otherwise gone unfathered. This book is squarely about how, when, and why Ben Stein and his wife adopted a young boy named Tommy -- and, more particularly, how Mr. Stein came to appreciate the joy and responsibility of fatherhood.

Mr. Stein readily admits his youthful mistake of revelling in self-absorption, but allows the reader to journey with him through as he comes to a realization that many parents miss. That is, "quality time" with children is too often a dodge for parents who put their own emotional needs ahead of the precious child they brought into this world. He advocates for "quantities" of time over the oft-cited "quality time."

Ben Stein makes the powerful case that should be (but is sadly not) self-evident -- young children need to be with their parents as much as possible. The foundation of parent-child bonding over thousands of hours of play, talk, and other interaction is the salve needed for some of our society's deepest wounds -- increased crime rates, more divorces, and weaker family bonds.

If you are a parent, want to be a parent, or love a parent, "Tommy and Me" is the perfect book. Mr. Stein's aggressive advocacy for the parent-child bond is tempered with humor, insight, and self-deprecation.

Bravo, Ben Stein.

Ben Stein is probably best known for his game show "Win Ben Stein's Money," and for his work as a character actor in the cult classic "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." But some of us have known about Ben Stein for years based on his excellent work as a journalist and writer. In this poignant and beautiful little book, he demonstrates why some of us loved him even before he started giving away money.

In TOMMY AND ME, Stein recounts his small family's experience in adopting a baby (Tommy) and relates how is life was changed as a result. He illustrates in a deeply personal fashion who he was before he became a dad, and the insecurity (and yes, jealousy) he experienced when Tommy first entered his life. Most beautifully, he shows how he overcame these problems and became a real father. Along the way he records many memorable and occasionally profound observations on what it is to have what he calls "the best job in the world" -- being a dad.

There are some who've criticized this book because they don't agree with all the decisions Stein and his wife have made. For example, he mentions that he buys his son all the video games he wants and, because he makes a pretty good living, buys Tommy far more toys than most parents can. Many people (myself included) question the wisdom of such a policy. Stein and his wife also spank Tommy, which some people would question, but also spanks only very, very rarely, which other people might question (although in this case his policy matches my own).

But this sort of criticism misses the point; the book is a memoir, not a "how-to" manual. Stein describes the thinking that went into his decisions, and along the way shows us what being a real father is all about: making countless decisions that affect your child's life, and making them with the deep contemplation, love, and commitment that all parents owe their children. As Stein notes, young children are inherently selfish little barbarians, and our task (and blessing) is to love them for all their flaws while we do our (inevitably imperfect) best to guide them into decency and maturity.

Another criticism you may hear is that Stein's wife, Tommy's mother, is absent from long sections of the book. This criticism, again, misses the point. Stein's book is not about motherhood, nor is it about generic parenthood. Stein's recountings of vacations and other times he's spent one-on-one with Tommy are meant to show us about the unique nature of being a father. Not a "buddy," an "authority figure" or a "partner in parenting," but a good and decent FATHER, that unique and incalculably important person that, sadly, many children lack in their lives. He also gives us some profound insights into what a lousy father, or a missing father, can do to a kid. As the child of a broken and dysfunctional home, I found his insights on this subject perhaps the most penetrating of all.

If all of this makes the book sound long or pedantic, fear not. Stein's style is light and fun to read, and the book itself is rather short. I imagine most people could finish it in one or two sittings. I first read it a couple of years after the birth of our first child, and I benefited greatly from it. I can't imagine that any serious father or father-to-be would not. And although we did not adopt, I can't imagine that any man going through the unique process of adopting a child will not benefit as much as I did, if not more.

This is funny, engaging, insightful memoir by a man who has found incredible joy in being a father -- and become a better person as a result. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

a refreshingly candid look at a (formerly) jaded"boomer" whose perspective is altered and made richer by the inclusion of a joyously rich father- son bond. A delightful read on many levels, and one that will leave the reader deeply moved.Ben Stein has shown himself to be a top notch memoirist with this truly splendid work.

Ben Stein who is a lawyer, actor, economist and most of all father writes this warm affirmation of fatherhood that all fathers and future fathers should read. There is too much negativism in our society about the burdens of parenthood and the joys of the career. Stein proves that it's just the opposite. Good parenting and being a great father is the most rewarding job there is. Who ever said in old age that they wished they'd spent more time at the office? The costs to our society and world of the absent father, which virtually every boy grows up with (without really) are unreal. Stein shows how fatherhood changed himself and changed his life. Kudos for his courage and bravery in making this transformation. Want to be a "real man"? Really "macho"? Don't lift weights, get into fights, build buildings, raid companies... Be a good father to your own children who need and admire you...!

This is a good book to read for men who are or who will be dads. It highlights the importance of being a good dad, especially being a good dad, and role model, for a son. I did not like Stein's constant patting himself on the back for his being a good dad - that was his responsibility when he adopted Tommy. Nonetheless, a good read. One think Ben Stein needed to do for Tommy, which I did not pick up on, was to be a good husband to Tommy's mom.

Ben Stein has proven more (as if there wasn't enough) talents as he teaches you about the best job you can be a father. Heartwarming and helpful this is a great book that has Ben's dry wit humour and knowledge to get you to appreciate your child/children.

While I truly admire Ben Stein, and have no doubt how much he loves his son, his description of his life with Tommy and his Mom seems awfully shallow. Nannies? Houses on both Malibu Beach and up in the canyons? Parents who seem to never see each other, even though they are married? Not a lifestyle (or description of family life) that many Americans of average means could understand, let alone empathize with.

Ben Stein writes from an incredibly privleged perspective. I respect his intellect enough to believe he knows this, but after reading "Tommy & Me," I'm not sure.

If you are interested in this book, I hope you check online for Stein's later parental "success" stories. When his son is in his teens, he plays violent videogames obsessively and Stein at first does not see this as dangerous--not until his son stops going to school, anyway. Just recently in January 2009, commenting on the economic crisis, he notes that his son, a recently-married student in his early twenties, relies on Stein for his sole support and has no sense that he can't eat in any restaurant he wants. So I think you should question Stein's actual parental experience before taking his advice.

It really was a pleasure to read about the extravagant affection and regard that Ben Stein has for his son, and the anecdotes were enjoyable and heartwarming. I have never read a book that conveys such feelings so effectively, and for that I am very glad I took the time to read it.

I can't say I agree with some of Ben's parenting philosophy -- the unlimited indulgence of his son's desire to shop seems unwise. Ben defends this practice fairly eloquently, but I am still of the mind that _all_ vices are destructive in some way. Giving a vice free rein because it is not as dangerous as some others can still have undesirable consequences. But this is a minor issue, really, so I only subtract 1/4 star from five stars for that!

More importantly for me, I was left feeling confused about the relationship between Mr. Stein and his wife. He does make a point of saying that parenting is a job best done by a mother and a father, but the rest of the book is spent describing ! ! very long stretches of time that he spends alone with his son. His wife is simply not an active character in this book, which is otherwise populated with about twenty other characters who are actually given dialog, and action, and intent. There was a situation involving a woman and her son that seemed downright creepy to me (a situation from which I literally would have run away). Admittedly, I have never lived a life of fame in which characters like this appear in my life, but it seemed like an unstable situation that, for his son's benefit, would have been better avoided. Maybe something just got lost in the transliteration of this event, so I'll just leave my comments at that.

Despite the absence of his wife as a character in the book, it _is_ quite clearly described as a book about a father and a son, so I give the book four stars overall.

Ben Stein's book was just wonderful in an entirely pleasant, decent and thoughtful way. His devotion to his family and household is not much more than what everyone's should be, but on a little reflection it is a marvelous and almost unheard of example of what ought to be but seldom is today. Mr. Stein's pursuits and accomplishments are too numerous and varied to repeat here, but he surpasses all of them in his level of (I say it again) decency. More importantly, his stories and reflections about Tommy and other friends serve as a genuine model for others to live up to and Stein never in the least part succumbs to a temptation to preach or talk down. After reading Tommy and Me, I get the impression that in addition to being a writer, television host, lawyer and economist he could have done quite well as a clergyman too.