Customer Reviews

Tongue Fu!: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict

5 star:		(22)
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2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Tongue Fu is an excellent treatise on how to handle verbal situations in life. Complainers, bullies, manipulators, it doesn't matter, all types of situations that are time-bombs and need to be diffused are covered in the book. The book is a working manual on how to recognize, disarm and remove those bombs before they explode and damage your reputation, your business, your relationship or just plain ruin your day. It covers the full gamut of information from how to recognize that you are under attack, to how to recognize the particular attack and what techniques are appropriate to disarm the attack. For some bombs cutting the blue wire disarms and for another one it sets the bomb off. Knowing the right type of situation you are dealing with lets you know what type of action disarms and what type sets the attack into high gear.
Lots of case histories and lots of examples so you will know what you are doing., action plans to help you start putting the information into action, the book has it all.
Another book that augments this title would be "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense", a slightly more dated book but one that deals with many of the items in greater detail. Together they are a complete set of how to deal with verbally aggressive people.

"I wish I'd been introduced to these ideas years ago; they would have saved me so much unnecessary grief. As the author points out, this isn't just about dealing with difficult people. It's about communicating in a way that helps us get along better with just about anyone. I didn't even know there were such things as "Words to Lose," and now I realize I use them constantly with customers and co-workers, even my kids. No wonder people sometimes give me a hard time. I was using language that actually makes matters worse. The book tells you exactly what to say in different types of situations. Best of all, it made me think twice about the way I relate to people. Instead of seeing the other person as the one who is being ornery, I realize now that I could be contributing to it. This book is a real eye-opener and I'm glad I read it.

I purchased this book based upon many of the reader recommendations on this very important subject. However, after I received the book and began reading it, I felt scammed.

Recently at work, I felt I could have handled a situation better than I did. I knew what I wanted to convey, but it came out unsatisfactorly. Being someone who wants to improve themself, I thought I'd get a book relating to this subject matter.

The techniques presented in this book are inapplicable and irrelevant - they don't provide insight, and in my opinion are rediculous - the point where I found myself laughing. Reading this book felt like you were being lectured by your clueless, happy-go-lucky aunt.

Techniques such as "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em", "handle hassles with fun", and saying "you're right" (and meaning it) when people complain, are not realistic techniques to addressing real problem. The one which put me over the edge is her bit "choose to be compassionate" when people fail to meet their most basic responsibilities. According to this technique, if you are in a line at some place of business, and there are 25 people in front of you and one employee, you are supposed to spend the time in line convincing yourself that "it's okay - they are just understaffed". Or, if that employee messes up your order, say an ice cream cone, you are supposed to do the following:
1. "Ask them for their name" - Everyone knows doing this will immediately put the employee on the defensive.
2. "State your Customer Rights and Wishes" - This is going to anger the employee with such a belittling remark.
3. "Ask to see a supervisor" - Oh, really? Gee, I'm glad I'm paying money for such earth shattering advice.
And so on...

In all seriousness, my conclusion is that this book will not help you to address real problems, especially in the business environment. I strongly urge you to avoid it. I have since begun reading the book "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work". Although I have not drawn any conclusions, I will tell you that this book takes a serious approach to the issues at hand and uses scientific research to support its conjectures. By the way, Tongue Fu doesn't even have a footnote in it.

My wife got this book when we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. She started using the techniques described in this book. It almost ruined our marriage. She would avoid conflict at all costs then become resentful, feeling that "She was the one making all the compromises"

While this may help some people, it certainly did not help my wife. I got a copy of the book. read it and realized that she was trying to help our marriage. What I could not believe was how "Polly Anna"ish many of the techniques seemed.

At times I felt I was beck in Sunday school hearing the "Be nice to everyone and everyone will be nice to you" speech. Not true. No-one can please everybody all the time.

In reality avoiding conflict at almost all costs may seem like a good idea, but this technique is like Anorexia. It looks good at first, but ultimately it is unhealthy. Sometimes conflict must exist to resolve deeper issues. Not mean spirited, spiteful conflict, but an expressing differing opinions in a calm manner. Constantly saying "You're right" to avoid conflict/confrontation solves nothing and leads to more problems.

I would only recommend these techniques to be used with someone you are not likely to see again. For example, parking lot disputes. You don't know who you are dealing with and they may just be itching for a fight. In this case yes, avoid the conflict and find another parking spot. It is not worth the aggravation it will cause you, it will likely ruin your day, and you will probably never see this person again. Otherwise, in long term relationships, I feel that these techniques can do more harm than good.

I first read this book as a requirement when I began working at a doctor's office. Since then I've used it's techniques not only for face-to-face verbal conflict but in evaluation reports, constructive criticism for co workers, and dealing with irate phone calls. Every employer should have a copy available for their employees!

Sam Horn covers a broad spectrum of verbal situations that can easily turn harmful if not handled well. Her recommendations are creative and practical and lets us take back control of our language. Horn's examples are so real one can hear the conversations! Each chapter ends with an action plan to help us deal with the particular difficulty covered.

The final chapter ties a nice bow around all the techniques by encouraging the reader to develop an action plan to turn "intentions into actions."

An easy read rich with appropriate quotations.

Easy to read, with lots of good tips for every day skirmishes we run into. However, not all advice provided will work for every situation; therefore you will need to carefully decide what you want to use from this book, and when. I have been using these techniques on a selective basis, and found them quite constructive in many instances.

One key thing I wish the author had included in detail is the effect of paradigms, filters, and styles (yours and the other party's). This does affect your interactions with them considerably. To arm yourself with that understanding you may want to read People Styles at Work, and What Type Am I in addition to this book.

It would be a great idea if parents taught their children such tips when young; habits once formed are harder to break, and this is even more so with grown ups.

Those seeking more intellecutally challenging material backed by scientific studies will likely be disappointed. This remark is not meant to deter you from giving the book a good read though.

I wasn't really impressed. 95% of the book is basically to avoid confrontations at any cost - heavy use of the phrase "Is this conflict worth risking a friendship/your health/your well being/your life over? In other words, give up and take your lumps. The few pages that advise standing up for yourself tell you either to

a) Tell them you won't take this (and assume this is going to work)
b) Refer you to another book for handling sociopaths

I kept at it in the hopes that it would get better, but it never did. Live and learn.

I suppose this book might be helpful for someone with absolutely no social skills, or no experience in asserting yourself - or maybe people who fly off the handle at every confrontation. And I see where Tony's bit comes in - she advises some specific language to make mild conflicts easier and that kind of jibes with his NLP stuff. But if you're a regular person who gets along with most people and has some degree of tact in communications, your money could be spent better elsewhere.

As an executive coach and communications trainer, I am always on the lookout for excellent resources for my clients. Tongue Fu! is a winner! The book is easy-to-read and hard to put down. Unlike other books that are all talk but are thin on tools and tactics, Tongue Fu! provides real-world examples that any level of excectuve can use to immediately improve their day-to-day communications. The "words to use," and "words to lose," examples are especially helpful. My clients have let me know again and again that this book packs a powerful punch.

I recommend this book to everyone I know who ever has to deal with difficult people. (And don't we all, at some point?) Sam Horn shows us how to deflect verbal "attacks" and deal with challenging interpersonal situations in a diplomatic way, that leaves us feeling in control of our reactions and able to move on. Her book is as enjoyable as it is helpful, filled with practical advice to use now so we can learn to resolve conflicts positively and with our self-respect and dignity intact.