Customer Reviews

Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age

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This book is long on descriptions and diagnosis, and relatively brief on advice. Wealthy, professionally successful parents tend to make life too easy for their children while imposing high expectations about academics and sports. Such children are highly likely to worry too much, feel depressed, be sad, or feel pressure to be perfect. In general, these children fail to develop life skills necessary to deal with inevitable setbacks and challenges on their own. In frustration over their perceived lack of competence, many indulge in drugs, alcohol, and inappropriate sexual practices. Some misbehavior is designed to get attention from distracted parents.

The prescription is that parents should set a good example, spend more time with their children (especially at dinner time), set limits so that their children will only take on challenges they are ready for, establish clear and consistent ways of enforcing limits, be caring, and help their kids take on greater, appropriate challenges as time passes.

The seeds of the problem relate to the parents' unresolved conflicts about parenting roles. They want their kids to be happy, but haven't thought through what's needed. Having more and more unearned freedom and choice creates dissatisfaction. Being more and more competent provides engaged, meaningful flow experiences. The parents want to be too much of a pal, and not enough of a parent.

To deal with this, Professor Kindlon encourages readers to think about the best things their parents did for them that are appropriate for their own children . . . and use those as models. Equally, parents should avoid overcompensating for what they disliked most about what their own parents did.

The first part of the book describes the details of overindulgence and spoiling as they are practiced today. The second part looks at seven psychological states that can be perverted into something worse, and examines the way this occurs. The third part focuses on what to do.

The book is built on Professor Kindlon's clinical experience as a psychologist, questionnaires from a convenience sample he examined, 50 in-depth interviews, and a literature review.

The seven foundations of "deadly" syndromes are as follows: Pride leads to self-centeredness; wrath causes anger; envy causes being driven; sloth creates lack of motivation; gluttony leads to eating disorders; lust causes self-control problems; and greed leads to acting spoiled. Over 80 percent of the affluent 634 teens questioned reported problems in one or more of these areas.

I thought there were two serious problems with this book. First, to find out how parenting turned out, don't you have to see how the lives of the youngsters end up? Reporting on this study is premature unless you only care about making the teen years more pleasant. Many people straighten up and fly right in their 20s who were a real mess as teens. Second, this book is so loose that it almost doesn't tell you anything. The average sermon contains more specific guidance than this book has in total. I compared the book to the more specific books I have read on teenaged obesity, learning to handle money, overcoming teenaged depression, and so forth. Each of those books is vastly more detailed and helpful. This book is like the Cliff's Notes version of a classic novel. I suspect that it will be most appealing to those who are most in denial about the idea that overindulgence for children is a bad idea.

After you read this book, ask yourself where you had tough, but helpful, learning experiences that your children have not yet had. How can you help your children to duplicate those lessons today?

Encourage all to climb the highest mountain that appeals to them!

I've been telling my friends about this book -- and here's what I say: For those of us fortunate enough to be able to give our children a lot of advantages, this book reminds us that our job as parents is not to be indulgent, but rather to set and enforce limits so that our children can develop their own sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Not exactly rocket-science, but a good and timely reminder. Dr. Kindlon urges parents to use TLC -- Time, Limits and Caring -- as the means for our children grow to be the independent adults they will need to be. His discussion of the politics surrounding college placement were very revealing to me. Some parents have the expectation that their child is destined for Harvard which is, very likely, setting that child up for failure. The big plus in this book is that much of it is drawn from statistical research, so Dr. Kindlon backs up his assertions on "indulgent parenting" with reasonable science. I really appreciated this book, and hope you do, too.

Choosing character as the focal point of the book brings out an interesting perspective on raising kids. This book is not about developing smarts, physical or artistic ability, and not even about disciplining your children. Moreover, it goes as far as suggesting that getting your teenager into the right college may be a counterproductive goal (imagine that!) Refreshingly, it zooms in on what kids need to develop a personality, rather than on what, perhaps, parents want them to have, and that alone sets the book apart. Many of the book's findings are based on statistical analysis of focused studies, which again is both rare and welcomed.

Being a parent is a demanding job, but many of us refuse to see it as such. We work enough at work, and at home we often seek some indulgence and fun with our kids. We want to be their friends rather than their guardians. At every moment, we want them to love us, and in any case not hate us. In short, oftentimes we are parenting for ourselves, rather than for our kids, for our convenience and pleasure. All this is not good news for our children. In fact, it betrays our rather passive role in their upbringing.

Some of the findings stand out as less obvious. That eating disorders in most cases can be traced to early childhood. That early learning of self-control, of coping with delayed gratification and boredom lead to higher SAT scores. That most sexually active teens wish they had waited.

The most thriving group of kids participating in the main study shared five characteristics. They had dinner with the family on a regular basis. Their parents were not divorced. Their room was clean. They engaged in community (even household) service. And they did not have a phone in their room.

To summarize, the book's advice seems merely commonsensical: spend more time with your children, set limits, encourage their engagement in an absorbing challenging activity, let them fail so that they have opportunities to learn from their failures. In fact, the book is more than just regurgitation of self-evident truths. Its strength comes from two sources: hard data for its conclusions and practical advice for parents. Truths are often simple (as in dieting: forget the fads, just burn more calories than you take in). But living your daily life according to what you know is right for your children - now there's the rub.

On the personal level, this book will probably help me say "no" to my 4 year-old more easily. And even though parents' "I'm doing it for your own good" argument never made much sense to me, just like ferberizing our child worked, I believe letting my son cope with manageable frustration is ultimately beneficial for him.

I would recommend the book to all parents and, perhaps, to some interested teenagers as well.

According to child development expert Dan Kindlon, the answer is no, but the answer is not as simple as it looks. What if the shoes are forgotten two hours away? Do you drive back and get them? Bother someone else to bring or send them to you? What if they are needed for her activities the next day? Do you borrow some? Make her wear less than ideal footwear until you have time to go back to pick them up? Wouldn't buying a new pair of cheapo sneakers actually be the least costly thing to do? Will she always expect you to fix things for her when she makes a mistake? These questions all flashed through Dr. Kindlon's mind as he struggled with the case of his eight-year-old daughter Julia's forgotten sneakers, but he hunkered down and did what he thought was the right thing--made her wear hiking boots to camp until an appropriate time came for the family to help her retrieve them.

Throughout his beautifully researched and thoughtfully-written volume on the issues of raising children today, Kindlon reveals his keen intelligence and kind heart as he discusses the potential long-term consequences of daily life decisions. His on-the-mark examples show that he is in-synch with the situations of today's families, and his experience and knowledge make him a fine guide as he plays out archetypal domestic scenarios to their logical conclusions. His advice is sage, pithy and practical, but never pedantic. He reads like Billy Crystal with a PhD in parenting.

Kindlon, the co-author (with Michael Thompson) of the poignant Raising Cain--which deals with the issues of raising young men in a culture that celebrates a certain image of the cool, unfeeling, in-control male--certainly knows the daily grind of sandwich-making and car-pool driving. It is clear that he respects the time, effort and patience that go into it, as well as parents' desire to do the right thing. He believes that parents want to raise respectful, considerate, independent adults and want to do everything they can to avoid the pitfalls of drug and alcohol abuse and other destructive behaviors. Through his research (for most of his career he has worked at Harvard University on important data-gathering projects), he has refined some provocative and compelling ideas regarding cause and effect in child development. While not claiming to be the only one to discover the premises elucidated in Too Much of a Good Thing, Kindlon has the experience, wisdom and communication skills to turn the latest developments in psychological and brain research into a persuasive piece of encouragement for parents. He urges us all, and counsels himself, to be consistent, reasonable and purposeful in our actions.

We are all tempted to make life easier for our children, but Kindlon demonstrates that we are really doing them a disservice by interfering with the natural order of things. By overcoming adversity and solving problems themselves, kids build self-esteem and confidence, and are "innoculated" so that when they face challenges (as they will!) they know they themselves have the ability to cope. If a parent intervenes too often, helping the child to avoid legitimate consequences or to achieve things (travel teams, unmerited grades) by using grown-up clout and connections, the child's experience, worldview and indeed his brain, will be very different from that of someone who has done his own problemsolving. In a recent speech, Kindlon compared today's youth with that of the Gilded Age at the turn of the last century, which grew up to become the Lost Generation and suffered during the Great Depression.

No one could call Kindlon a pessimist about today's kids though; he is too energetic and curious for that. His candour and honesty are refreshing, but it is his cheerful tone and real world view that makes Too Much of a Good Thing an enjoyable read as well as an educational one. The valuable parenting precepts that Kindlon offers are not sugar-coated, but are made of the best ingredients--heart, mind and soul--and served up with zest, wit and empathy.

How to avoid spoiling kids is an important subject for parents of teenagers who have the means to provide their kids with a comfortable life. Unfortunately, this book doesn't really provide much insight into the situation. It's full of contradictions and doesn't help you understand how to walk the line between caring and indulging.

Many of the excerpts from real interviews with teens seem manipulative, with quotes selected to prove the current point the author wants to prove (which changes according to the chapter). What's lacking is any real context or analysis of the quoted teen's situation.

Ultimately the book provides some food for thought, and can be read in a few hours, but it's irritatingly simplistic.

I was very disappointed with this book for the following reasons.

First: As a stay-at-home mom with an income of under $30,000 a year, I had great difficulty relating to the materialistic indulgance that this author was writing about. The "poor" people in his book made $100,000 a year! Consequently, the kids had everything they could ever want except a parent to guide them and raise them. All he talked about was fancy sports cars, faboulous vacations to exotic lands, elite prep schools, ad naseum. If you lead a simple & frugal life, you will probably not relate well to the luxurious life this author seems to think that most people have.

Second: This author lacked the conviction to take any kind of a stand against all the excess luxury the families in his study (including himself) were living. He seemed caught between his belief that all this wealth was damaging the kids and his desire to maintain his standard of living. He simply didn't have the courage to make a stand for moderation. For instance, in chapter 6 on being "Driven", Kindlon details the extreme efforts of one teenage boy to get into Harvard. Quote, "He works day and night with tunnel vision. There's a kind of edge of desperation about him; a joylessness." And then in the same breath, two sentences later, Kindlon says, "Since this writing, we learned that Ron was accepted to Harvard - and Yale!" (Notice the exclamation mark) I interpreted this last statement to mean that the boy's hard work paid off, and that the author felt that getting accepted to Harvard (and Yale) was worth the price. So was it "bad" that the boy was so driven or not? I couldn't tell.

Third: I found no concrete advice about how to handle the problems he so carefully details. Since the author can't take a stand, he can't give any helpful advice about raising children of character. In Chapter 7 "Unmotivated", he talks for 10 pages about the problem of children who have lost their fire, their motivation to do anything. The last two lines of the chapter read, "...what she's often telling us is, 'Stop with your busy life. Spend time with me.' That is the crucial first step to help her rekindle her spirit." End Quote, end of Chapter. What about the rest of the steps? Is that it? Just spend more time with them? The information given could have been condensed and put into a brochure instead of a 266 page book.

In summary, if you are serious about learning to be a better parent, find another book. If you want to simply commiserate with the author about how hard it is to raise kids when you are rich but don't actually want to take any action, then this book is for you.

The book is excellent!! Nice balance of case study examples, narrative and author's own personal struggle to balance his own parenting ways. It is one of the best books written on parenting for today's parents. I know that I have been over indulgent with my 4 year old daughter, but, the author gives me concrete information that is not judgemental. He gives the plain and simple facts backed up by his research as to why over indulging and not setting limits can backfire!!! I highly recommend this book without reservation!!!

Too Much of a Good Thing is a reality check for today's parents. It is based on the assumption that, as an overriding goal, parents want their child to mature into a happy adult. Building on this assumption it defines, in general terms, the attitude of "baby boomer" parenting and how it is associated with children's emotional and behavioral development. The book is based on the findings of the Parenting Practices of the Millennium, research compiled from middle to upper income families. This research was amassed from questionnaires involving over 650 teenagers and 1050 parents nationwide plus 50 personal interviews (several are included as references in the text) and combined with over twenty years of clinical psychological practice and personal experience. Simply stated, Too Much delves into the question: What parenting practices enhance habits of character?
People who have character are described as those who know who they are, they are centered, and they have the courage to be honest with themselves and others. Overtly they are charitable, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent. Kindlon examines how America's affluence has impacted the habits of life that shape our behavior. In a society that often appears focused on achievement and success in place of the development of a disciplined inner life, this book influences parents to think in terms of social consciousness.
The book is divided into three parts. The first describes this current age of indulgence analyzing the attitudes of parenting today and the psychological toolbox needed by children to cope in our world. The second part is the patterns of behavior exhibited by indulgence that are listed as the seven deadly syndromes: self-centeredness, anger, driven quality, not motivated, eating disorders, self-control problems, and spoiled behaviors. These syndromes are described in terms of manifestations and draw on the stories from different perspectives: children, parents, teachers, principals, and counselors that serves to give each syndrome multiple perspectives.
The last section of this book is advice to parents that cites research findings. How can we reach our goal of raising children to be happy? Some of the multifaceted indications of happiness in this exploration include being absorbed in meaningful activity, the pursuit of non-materialistic incentives, self-efficacy, self-esteem tied to a sense of personal control, and competence. Clear, achievable ideas are given as well as information on the dilemmas of parenting teenagers. This is a book that will make you think about what you really value as a parent, help you define your goals as connected to your actions, and perhaps, jolt you out of a false sense of complacency related to affluence today.

This book touches on a subject but never gets past the surface. The content contains lots of interesting stories yet doesn't quite explain the reasons behind parents inability to set limits, to give consequences, and to be honest with children. I found these explanations fully explained, as one other reviewer noted in the recent book called "Hollow Kids" which is a more serious, well researched description.

I took the advice of the reviewer from New York ("Another Diamond In The Rough ..") and got, right here from Amazon.com, what he called the companion book to "Too Much Of A Good Thing", the book called "West Point" by Norman Thomas Remick. The reviewer is absolutely right. Reading the companion book enables you to understand more fully WHY "Too Much OF A Good Thing" tells you to do what it tells you. Everything comes into clearer focus. Though "Too Much ..." isn't quite up to snuff with its advice, reading the companion book helps bring it up to speed. It then becomes a valuable read for everyone interested in raising children of character.