After service in Vietnam as a surgeon in 1968-69, Dr. Gordon Livingston returned to the U.S. and began work as a psychiatrist. In that capacity, he has listened to people talk about their lives and the limitless ways that they have found to be unhappy. He is also a parent twice bereaved. In one thirteen-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide, his youngest to leukemia. Out of a lifetime of experience, Livingston has extracted thirty bedrock truths: We are what we do. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Only bad things happen quickly. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. Livingston illuminates these and twenty-four others in perfectly calibrated essays, many of which emphasize our closest relationships and the things that we do to impede or enhance them. These writings underscore that "we are what we do," and that while there may be no escaping who we are, we have the capacity to face loss, misfortune, and regret, and to move beyond them.
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
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Book Description
Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. The gentle, even-keeled warmth of Livingston's prose distinguishes this slim book of 30 inspirational "truths." A psychiatrist familiar with trauma from both his practice and his life (in one 13-month period, he lost one son to leukemia and another to suicide), Livingston offers the kind of wisdom that feels simultaneously commonsensical and revelatory: "We are what we do," "The perfect is the enemy of the good," "The major advantage of illness is relief from responsibility." He intersperses counsel with personal experience, and tackles topics both joyful and deeply painful. In the chapter focusing on "We are what we do," he notes that the "three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to," and he reminds us that "love is demonstrated behaviorally"-that is, actions count more than words. In his discussion of "Happiness is the greatest risk," he considers how our fear of losing happiness is often a roadblock to our experiencing it. For those contemplating suicide, he writes that "it is reasonable to confront them with the selfishness and anger implied in any act of self-destruction." Livingston's words feel true, and his wisdom hard-earned. Among the many blithe and hollow self-help books available everywhere, this book stands out as a jewel.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"This book has the power of a sledgehammer and the tenderness of the saddest love story." -- Ben Bradlee, former executive editor, Washington Post, on Only Spring
"[Gordon Livingston's] life has been touched by fire, and his motives are absolutely pure." -- Mark Helprin, author of A Soldier of the Great War and Winter's Tale
"[Gordon Livingston's] life has been touched by fire, and his motives are absolutely pure." -- Mark Helprin, author of A Soldier of the Great War and Winter's Tale
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
199 of 217 people found the following review helpful
By T. H. Snell
Format:Hardcover
The minute anyone realizes good intentions just don't cut it, that it's only actions that make me "me," life is immediately more fulfilling, more challenging, more fun. The difference between a person who becomes who they want to become, and a person who doesn't, can be found in their willingness to take real steps every day. Want to be someone who speaks another language? Get a book and teach yourself. Want to be the kind of person who is appreciated and valued at work? Review your work ethic and your interactions and make positive changes. Want to be healthier? Actually exercise every day instead of just planning to do so. The world can tell who you are by how you act, and if you don't like what it's seeing you're the only one who can fix it. In addition, realizing that the people around you aren't who they say they are, but who they act like they are, is a lesson I wish I'd been exposed to and had been able to comprehend in highschool.
200 of 221 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
Gordon Livingston, a psychiatrist by way of West Point and Johns Hopkins, presents us with interesting combinations of truth telling. He gets immediate "street cred" due to his Bronze Star for valor in Viet Nam, and this after averring that he went to war to "find out if I was brave." Additionally, he plumbed the depths of his emotions after losing two sons, thirteen months apart, one to lukemia (at 6) and the other to suicide via his son's manic-depression.
Livingston's advice as promulgated in the subtitle, "30 true things you need to know now", is delivered with the softly directed assurance of a loving parent, one who has counseled and re-parented hundreds of adults. IMO, he's too the point and for the most part accurate. I'll spell out my disagreements in a moment, but In the meantime I'll describe each chapter in a layman's terms,... mine.
Chap 1 says that "if the map doesn't agree with the terrain, the map is wrong" - We all strive to keep our worldview's consistent even when they're contradicted by an inconvenient reality (which begs the value of education?) If people blinker themselves when they should be listening, they've closed their minds to critical analysis and aren't looking at all the facets of the problem in order to arrive at the best solution (witness what passes for today's political discourse?)
Chap 2 - "We are what we do" - Here he distills patterns of behavior which IMO are the best way to predict someone's future behavior, man or woman. He discusses self deception (the result of the "blinkering process") and the fear of risking feelings in personal relationships (one could call this a fear of intimacy, no?) If crisis in life is seeing yourself differently at any age, then fear of confronting your rejections is nothing so much as the fear of agonizing self re-appraisals. Ipso, we engage in denial to avoid having to face reality on even ground.
Chap 3 - "It's difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place" - He explains why arguing over political or religious dogma is fruitless as the blinders are surely on if the foundation of the facts underpinning the assumptions are fallacious (it's a testament to his own ability at mind compartmentalization when he argues (later in this book) in favor of the global warming thesis, of the anti-war thesis, of not spanking unruly children, and for "social justice" (all concepts favored by left-wing conventional wisdom, but not by the silent majority.) He gets into the difficulty people have in changing their own ingrained worldviews which speaks to the illogical nature so evident in their contradictory habits and patterns (not only found in the SUV driving enviro, but in all of us.) In that we're all living in a "google-it" world, our self denial of possible factual refutation displays our possible willful ignorance as outlined in this book.
Chap 4 - He talks about "a figurative statute of limitations on our childhood traumas" - the ones that so many use to explain away their bad behavior. He speaks of change being "the essence of life" and in that regard invokes the process of re-parenting. The latter he must often engage in with his patients in order to gain the optimal outcomes of his behavioral therapy.
Chap - 5 "Any relationship (r/shp) is controlled by the one who loves least" - this is a mouthful. He talks about most of his patients having power struggles as a cause of their marital dissension, and of romance being a form of shared delusion. He posits the canard that "it takes two to start an r/shp, but only one to end it." Heavy!!! but doesn't it have that ring of truth?
Chap 6 - that "feelings follow behavior" - Here he asserts that while you can't control what you feel or think, you can alter your behavior to gain better control over your life (I might add that it helps to be internally truthful before you can begin this difficult journey.)
Chap 7 - "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid" - He discusses his Vietnam experiences and his turn to the anti-war mentality (I'd suggest he read "Vietnam: the necessary war" by Lind, for background, and also David Horowitz's fine piece on "why we're in Iraq.)" I would have preferred that the author discuss what starts wars and why we engage in them, the why, the when, and the where, and the how????
Chap 8 - "The perfect is the enemy of the good" - He discusses the need to learn critical thinking skills and delves into what all economists (but, seemingly few others) know as a critical component of good reasoning: ...that there are few solutions to life's problems, only trade-offs.
Chap 9 - "Knowing when to ask `why' and conversely `why not" - He comments on the unexamined life being not worth living, particularly with regard to ones risks of emotional trauma (the only thing that changes behavior) and in ones wagers of the heart (fear of rejection is real because the crushing of ones assumptions can reveal the falsity of ones expectations which can lead to "crisis in life", which can in turn lead to a "point the gun up" scenario)". He suggests that therapeutic Reparenting by a shrink can lead to a reconstruction of a new and more accurate set of assumptions for the patient, ...at least that's the goal.
Chap 10 - "Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses" - This can be explained thru the idea that the greatest risk is to take no risk,..and, he goes on..... He says life is all about the "good news/bad news story", and that all happiness is found thru denial and/or acceptance. He speaks of people getting defensive when their belief system is challenged (he will certainly make you think.)
Chap 11 - "The most secure prisons are the ones we construct for ourselves" - He talks of promises vs actions, and of having a closed mind vs having a willingness to entertain change ("who moved my cheese" by Johnson is good on this subject.)
Chap 12 - "The problems of the elderly are serious, but uninteresting" - In this touching chapter he writes of a societal devaluing process that is experienced by the elderly, and their often attendant panic of fear and aging (witness "nip and tuck.") He speaks movingly about the gradual return to infancy that we will all experience should we grow so old.
Chap 13 - "Happiness is the ultimate risk" - He writes how depression is safe due to the fear and the resistance that most of us have to change (Tony Robbins has made a living preaching on this topic.) He also gets into the genetic components of schizophrenic and bi-polar behavior (and, he's right on the money.)
Chap 14 - "Love is the apple of Eden" - He says that life is a painful struggle that ends badly; and, that life is "but a flicker of curiousness between the two great silences"; and, that suicide is a preoccupation with the self. Whoa!!!
Chap 15 - "Only bad things happen quickly" - This is about instant gratification vs delayed gratification (in an archeological sense isn't restraint what separates us from the apes?) and, about addictions vs persistent change.
Chap 16 - "Not all who wander are lost" - This is about finding your own path, and the willingness to change, or put another way, about ones tenacious dedication to a line of argument vs a desire to change.
Chap 17 - "Unrequitted love is painful, but not romantic" - This is about self delusion, and how the real power of love is in the sharing; ...it's about the power struggles in relationships which have spawned the mythical singles organization "sex without partners."
Chap 18 - "Doing the same things and expecting different results - This is the definition of a fanatic when he can't bring himself to try something different, when whatever he's doing continues not to work; and, that all human action emanates from a reflection of how we see ourselves.
Chap 19 - "We flee from truth in vain" - He talks of his own adoption and of how parents flee the truth.
Chap 20 - "Don't lie to yourself - He discusses denial, and hypocrisy vs authenticity; ... who we are vs what we promise; ...of excuses vs reappraisals,...of self; and of the cognitive dissonance of dreams vs truth.
Chap 21 - "The myth of the perfect stranger" - He addresses ideal love vs middle age fears, ...and, fantasy vs love as an unspoken contract for services.
Chap 22 - "Love is never lost, not even in death" - He discusses his deceased sons and allows that the concept of "closure" is junk psychiatry; ...that life has meaning, and that love can still be found in memory and devotion.
Chap 23 - "Nobody likes to be told what to do" - It's about admonishments and instructions; ...of genes vs hectoring; and, the sense of not being heard amid the power struggles of r/shps.
Chap 24 - "Illness can provide relief from responsibility" - It's about how people come to define themselves by their illnesses; and how behavior reinforced will usually continue.
Chap 25 - "We're afraid of the wrong things" - About how fear is not useful in producing lasting change (one might consult this treatise in "the black book of communism").
Chap 26 - "Parents have a limited ability to shape their children's behavior, except for the worse" - He compares permissive vs conservative child rearing techniques, and our attempts to teach happiness in the face of "life" (one should read "born that way" by William Wright to gain an insight into the results of the Minnesota twin studies.)
Chap 27 - "Our only paradises are ones we've lost" - It's about how we tend to idealize our past (perhaps to ease our gloom of the future? - I think a diary helps here. Read more ›
Livingston's advice as promulgated in the subtitle, "30 true things you need to know now", is delivered with the softly directed assurance of a loving parent, one who has counseled and re-parented hundreds of adults. IMO, he's too the point and for the most part accurate. I'll spell out my disagreements in a moment, but In the meantime I'll describe each chapter in a layman's terms,... mine.
Chap 1 says that "if the map doesn't agree with the terrain, the map is wrong" - We all strive to keep our worldview's consistent even when they're contradicted by an inconvenient reality (which begs the value of education?) If people blinker themselves when they should be listening, they've closed their minds to critical analysis and aren't looking at all the facets of the problem in order to arrive at the best solution (witness what passes for today's political discourse?)
Chap 2 - "We are what we do" - Here he distills patterns of behavior which IMO are the best way to predict someone's future behavior, man or woman. He discusses self deception (the result of the "blinkering process") and the fear of risking feelings in personal relationships (one could call this a fear of intimacy, no?) If crisis in life is seeing yourself differently at any age, then fear of confronting your rejections is nothing so much as the fear of agonizing self re-appraisals. Ipso, we engage in denial to avoid having to face reality on even ground.
Chap 3 - "It's difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place" - He explains why arguing over political or religious dogma is fruitless as the blinders are surely on if the foundation of the facts underpinning the assumptions are fallacious (it's a testament to his own ability at mind compartmentalization when he argues (later in this book) in favor of the global warming thesis, of the anti-war thesis, of not spanking unruly children, and for "social justice" (all concepts favored by left-wing conventional wisdom, but not by the silent majority.) He gets into the difficulty people have in changing their own ingrained worldviews which speaks to the illogical nature so evident in their contradictory habits and patterns (not only found in the SUV driving enviro, but in all of us.) In that we're all living in a "google-it" world, our self denial of possible factual refutation displays our possible willful ignorance as outlined in this book.
Chap 4 - He talks about "a figurative statute of limitations on our childhood traumas" - the ones that so many use to explain away their bad behavior. He speaks of change being "the essence of life" and in that regard invokes the process of re-parenting. The latter he must often engage in with his patients in order to gain the optimal outcomes of his behavioral therapy.
Chap - 5 "Any relationship (r/shp) is controlled by the one who loves least" - this is a mouthful. He talks about most of his patients having power struggles as a cause of their marital dissension, and of romance being a form of shared delusion. He posits the canard that "it takes two to start an r/shp, but only one to end it." Heavy!!! but doesn't it have that ring of truth?
Chap 6 - that "feelings follow behavior" - Here he asserts that while you can't control what you feel or think, you can alter your behavior to gain better control over your life (I might add that it helps to be internally truthful before you can begin this difficult journey.)
Chap 7 - "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid" - He discusses his Vietnam experiences and his turn to the anti-war mentality (I'd suggest he read "Vietnam: the necessary war" by Lind, for background, and also David Horowitz's fine piece on "why we're in Iraq.)" I would have preferred that the author discuss what starts wars and why we engage in them, the why, the when, and the where, and the how????
Chap 8 - "The perfect is the enemy of the good" - He discusses the need to learn critical thinking skills and delves into what all economists (but, seemingly few others) know as a critical component of good reasoning: ...that there are few solutions to life's problems, only trade-offs.
Chap 9 - "Knowing when to ask `why' and conversely `why not" - He comments on the unexamined life being not worth living, particularly with regard to ones risks of emotional trauma (the only thing that changes behavior) and in ones wagers of the heart (fear of rejection is real because the crushing of ones assumptions can reveal the falsity of ones expectations which can lead to "crisis in life", which can in turn lead to a "point the gun up" scenario)". He suggests that therapeutic Reparenting by a shrink can lead to a reconstruction of a new and more accurate set of assumptions for the patient, ...at least that's the goal.
Chap 10 - "Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses" - This can be explained thru the idea that the greatest risk is to take no risk,..and, he goes on..... He says life is all about the "good news/bad news story", and that all happiness is found thru denial and/or acceptance. He speaks of people getting defensive when their belief system is challenged (he will certainly make you think.)
Chap 11 - "The most secure prisons are the ones we construct for ourselves" - He talks of promises vs actions, and of having a closed mind vs having a willingness to entertain change ("who moved my cheese" by Johnson is good on this subject.)
Chap 12 - "The problems of the elderly are serious, but uninteresting" - In this touching chapter he writes of a societal devaluing process that is experienced by the elderly, and their often attendant panic of fear and aging (witness "nip and tuck.") He speaks movingly about the gradual return to infancy that we will all experience should we grow so old.
Chap 13 - "Happiness is the ultimate risk" - He writes how depression is safe due to the fear and the resistance that most of us have to change (Tony Robbins has made a living preaching on this topic.) He also gets into the genetic components of schizophrenic and bi-polar behavior (and, he's right on the money.)
Chap 14 - "Love is the apple of Eden" - He says that life is a painful struggle that ends badly; and, that life is "but a flicker of curiousness between the two great silences"; and, that suicide is a preoccupation with the self. Whoa!!!
Chap 15 - "Only bad things happen quickly" - This is about instant gratification vs delayed gratification (in an archeological sense isn't restraint what separates us from the apes?) and, about addictions vs persistent change.
Chap 16 - "Not all who wander are lost" - This is about finding your own path, and the willingness to change, or put another way, about ones tenacious dedication to a line of argument vs a desire to change.
Chap 17 - "Unrequitted love is painful, but not romantic" - This is about self delusion, and how the real power of love is in the sharing; ...it's about the power struggles in relationships which have spawned the mythical singles organization "sex without partners."
Chap 18 - "Doing the same things and expecting different results - This is the definition of a fanatic when he can't bring himself to try something different, when whatever he's doing continues not to work; and, that all human action emanates from a reflection of how we see ourselves.
Chap 19 - "We flee from truth in vain" - He talks of his own adoption and of how parents flee the truth.
Chap 20 - "Don't lie to yourself - He discusses denial, and hypocrisy vs authenticity; ... who we are vs what we promise; ...of excuses vs reappraisals,...of self; and of the cognitive dissonance of dreams vs truth.
Chap 21 - "The myth of the perfect stranger" - He addresses ideal love vs middle age fears, ...and, fantasy vs love as an unspoken contract for services.
Chap 22 - "Love is never lost, not even in death" - He discusses his deceased sons and allows that the concept of "closure" is junk psychiatry; ...that life has meaning, and that love can still be found in memory and devotion.
Chap 23 - "Nobody likes to be told what to do" - It's about admonishments and instructions; ...of genes vs hectoring; and, the sense of not being heard amid the power struggles of r/shps.
Chap 24 - "Illness can provide relief from responsibility" - It's about how people come to define themselves by their illnesses; and how behavior reinforced will usually continue.
Chap 25 - "We're afraid of the wrong things" - About how fear is not useful in producing lasting change (one might consult this treatise in "the black book of communism").
Chap 26 - "Parents have a limited ability to shape their children's behavior, except for the worse" - He compares permissive vs conservative child rearing techniques, and our attempts to teach happiness in the face of "life" (one should read "born that way" by William Wright to gain an insight into the results of the Minnesota twin studies.)
Chap 27 - "Our only paradises are ones we've lost" - It's about how we tend to idealize our past (perhaps to ease our gloom of the future? - I think a diary helps here. Read more ›
76 of 85 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
I am not, in general, a fan of advice books, but Dr. Livingston is the "real deal." Having survived the suicide of his own son, he has great credibility in advising the rest of us about how to deal with disappointments and tragedy. But he also provides sage words about how to get on with living joyfully. If you've gone through some rough times--and who hasn't?--read this book for inspiration.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Very Good Book
Fun and easy read. It is about some things most of us already know, but Mr Livingston add's his twist, to make it a very interesting Book. Glad I bought it.
Published 22 days ago by William Nas
3.0 out of 5 stars
Book is great, Print is small
The book is great but I had the hard cover and bought this paperback for my daughter. The print is very small.
Published 1 month ago by Toni Warner
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent book about accepting ourselves
I couldn't put it down. I read it in 5 days. I never do that. It may have been the timing for me. Every page gave good advice.
Published 1 month ago by Tom
1.0 out of 5 stars
And had food on the cover
Even know it was a secondhand book it came with food stuck to the cover which was disgusting
The book itself was okay
The book itself was okay
Published 2 months ago by D. Freas
4.0 out of 5 stars
a carefully considered book by a sincere author
I want to like this book more than I actually like it.
It's well-written, and I admire it, and the author clearly put his heart and soul into it. Read more
It's well-written, and I admire it, and the author clearly put his heart and soul into it. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Mike Barrett
5.0 out of 5 stars
Learn it or lose it
I'm an inveterate reader of self-help books, not all of the genre, but enough. This book summarizes a lot of self-help in a realistic manner. Read more
Published 3 months ago by David L. Ashcraft
5.0 out of 5 stars
Love this book
I bought this in print version, then bought the audio CD to listen to in the car. Wish I had these growing up, and when I was raising my children.
Published 3 months ago by Sunnydee
5.0 out of 5 stars
True Wisdom
I love this book. I bought copies to send to all my children and grandchildren. This old German proverb is all too true
Published 4 months ago by Crystal Reflections
5.0 out of 5 stars
Wisdom
This is a great little read that really puts things in perspective. It's very well written, and the short chapters really give some insight for reflection about life. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Rebecca Riley
5.0 out of 5 stars
Livingston
This was a wonderful book with many thoughtful issues to think about. Covered many issues we all have trouble dealing with.
Published 4 months ago by Ginnie Kersey
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