Customer Reviews

Top of the Class: How Asian Parents Raise High Achievers--and How You Can Too

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As an African-American parent, I've been looking for a book like this for some time. Both my daughters attend a school where many Asian children are enrolled, and my husband and I have often wondered why they do so well. After reading the book, I became aware of many of the things I SHOULDN'T be doing: I complained about my job, I was too tired to help with homework, I'd direct my children to watch a movie when they were bored, etc. The list goes on and on. The book has forced me to mend my ways.

This book was a great find. I bought copies for my daughters' teachers and a fellow church members as gifts. All have told me that it has inspired them to become more involved in their children's education. I highly recommend it for any parent who wants to help their child succeed in school.

I was raised in a very traditional Chinese family. Oh yes, I even now attend an Ivy League school. One slight problem, my father used to terrify me by yelling at me and calling me "stupid", "lazy", and "useless" whenever I got a math problem wrong. This was during trigonometry lessons when I was in 5th grade.

So, raise your kids the asian way, and they'll turn out to be valedictorians (like I was), Ivy-league students (like I am), and on anti-depressant medication (like I am).

They'll also refuse to speak to you after they leave for college. I have not spoken to my father for about 5 years. Not a word.

Oh yeah, the asian parenting also turned me into a raging feminist whose mission is out to punish every single father who tells his straight-A daughter that she is stupid, fat or ugly simply because she didn't know the graph of cosine.

I find it ironic that these sisters who claim to have gotten such a great education write this book on the basis of such scant anecdotal evidence -- their childhoods. Social science scholars, they are not and it shows. They failed to do even the minimal of research on real Asian parenting, which typically includes corporal punishment of the variety that Americans would probably deem to be child abuse. I'm not sure how they can generalize and say that their experience represents Asian parenting. As a Korean-American born in Korea and raised in the US, I can testify that this was not even close to my own experience. I would say that these women were truly blessed and privileged to have had parents who loved one another and sought to invest the time and energy to raise them with the level of attention they received. If you are a parent who can do this, then the advice is excellent and makes sense. But this book is not about Asian parenting. The book is an homage to their parents, who are probably in parental bliss right now, for having done a good job. One of the highest Confucian virtues is to exalt and pay respect towards one's parents. This book is an act of filial piety. I do not know of many Korean American families like this.

Many first and second generation Korean-Americans experience or have experienced mental health issues: chronically low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, feelings of inadequacy (even when they have done reasonably well professionally) and depression as a result of their upbringing. Yes, some have PhDs and are in positions of financial stability, but they may also be on Prozac. The suicide rates at Columbia, Cornell and NYU are disproportionately high among Asian Americans. As many as 90% of Korean Americans experience an emotional crisis during college because they feel that they have not lived up to their parents' expectations, according to a senior counselor at a major NY state university. It's very tragic.

Aside from this book's shortcoming, I would say that it is a very pragmatic how-to manual on churning out little Confucian capitalists. I think they offer sound advice, but I think the authors take it for granted that the parents reading the book are not divorced, which is the case for many american families, and that all teachers are worthy of respect. I get the feeling that these authors led very sheltered lives, and have not interacted with a broad range of people to have come to their conclusions. If you are not politically left and have children who don't have learning disabilities, artistic temperaments or other contextual variables which may prevent you from applying these "secrets," then go ahead read this book.

As a Korean-American artist who was discouraged from pursuing a career in something I was talented in, I see many of the Korean conventional wisdom as not very wise. Many Korean parents will push their kids towards lucrative, high status professions. I'm so glad that I didn't listen to my parents. As an adult, I see that a lot of their admonishments had more to do with their insecurity as immigrants from what was then, a poor country, than their ability to assess what was in my own best interests. Their definitions of success had much more to do with status than actual contributions to society. If you really think that an ivy league education is all that it takes to be successful, look no further than the corporate executives who were indicted in the Enron scandal. An good, formal education does not a good person make.

As other reviewers have commented, I did find this book to be both racist and elitist....but it also opened my eyes to how success is achieved. I have adapted the ideas in the book to fit our family - less intense than what is described but way more intense than what we were doing previously - and I have already seen amazing results from my 8 year old. He actually seems much happier and self confident to be challenged and to have his parents really interested and involved in what he's learning. I really felt like we were interested and involved before I read this book but BOY was I underestimating what could be done. His teachers have remarked about the change enthusiastically as have my peers.

Take what you want from the book but it is most definitely worth a read.

I just finsished reading this book. I kept in my mind, my own childhood as an Asian American student and my kids (who are young and in school now) and my stepdaughter who is Caucasian and practically flunking freshman year high school. I think it encourages the model minority stereotype - as soon as people knew I was Chinese, "Oh, you must be smart..." - it's NOT true of all of us, and a book like this makes it worse for us of the Asian descent.

There was good common sense advice to follow and other things that just lead to the high suicide and depression rate among Asian students who can't live up to the expectations and making the family proud.

I can see that if one's parents only do SOME of those things, you will simply have a better chance at success. I do not agree with drilling a one year old child with alphabet or computer usage - let them be kids and explore and learn at their own pace.

In my stepdaughter's case, I can see where her mom did NONE of the things listed and she is having a horrible time in school, even caring about school or planning any kind of future.

And, over all, there is only ONE thing in that book that my parents did - that was instill the utmost respect in elders (relatives and teachers) - it sticks with me today, I demand it from my own children. I never talk bad about their teachers or their coaches, even if we disagree on methods.

It all comes down to parental support and encouragement, positive reinforcement and communication ... and that is not unique to any one ethiic group, nor should it be thought of that way.

Book should be named "How our South Korean parents raised the two of us" without reference to anything broader than that. Not Korean-American parents, not Asian-American parents, not Asian parents. Just two parents and two kids recalling their upbringing.

This book contains many excellent anecdotes about how the Kim sisters were raised by their parents. They discuss how their parents, immigrants from South Korea, instilled in them excellent learning habits and a thirst for knowledge. The book is worth reading for that alone.

But if the book claims in its title to explain "how asian parents raise high achievers" readers need larger quantitative data. Do first gen Asian-Americans get higher grades in school than the general population? When surveyed or observed by sociologists, do Korean parents who have immigrated to the US teach a different value system to their children that translates into higher achievement? Do Korean-Americans make up a greater percent of small business owners, doctors, lawyers and bankes than their percent of the population? Do first gen Korean-Americans earn more than the general population? Is this any different from immigrants to the US in general? What about children of immigrants from other Asian countries like China, Japan, Taiwan, and Vietnam?

This book provides just anecdotes from the childhoods of these two children of immigrants from Korea. It is useful. But the title claims a much broader scope than is covered.

It seemed to me while reading this book that the authors didn't have much experience with non-Asian families. The main point of the book - that parents who love to learn and pass that on to their children will raise high achievers - isn't just Asian. I think the authors, in their earnest to relate stories of Asian-American success, fell back on stereotypes ("she was a bright, gifted child but her parents did not have any money and didn't speak any English and just got off the boat from "). All the Asian children in their anecdotes are "bright" and "gifted"; this somewhat contradicted their secondary point, that anybody could raise high achieving children if they practiced what many Asian parents do. There is a chauvanistic tone throughout the book that really is a turn-off, almost like the authors are a bit too eager to express how happy they are that they were born Asian (this may be a lesson taught by their parents too; Korean chauvanism is infamous). There is little guidance as to how parents can encourage a child towards success, when their child may not be the "brightest" or most gifted in the class to begin with. Additionally, the authors filled the book with too many anecdotes about their Asian-American childhood friends, and not enough explanation about *why* the methods of Asian parents seemed to work with their children. How, for example, did the parents cultivate such a strong feeling of respect for family in their children, that they could use disappointment as a negative incentive to work hard at school? What is the causal relationship between not allowing children to socialize after school on school days, keeping them up until 11pm doing extra homework, getting them to memorize mathematical equations and poems at the age of 5, and the children's desire to please their parents? It's not that the rest of America doesn't value education, it's that education includes socialization as well as raw academics, and the "Asian lessons" being taught in this book risk leading children towards a dog-eat-dog worldview at much too young an age. I appreciated much of the advice handed out in this book; but urge readers, non-Asian and Asian alike, to approach it with a mind to the broader perspective. Asians aren't the only high achievers; and many of these lessons are universal.

Let me present my credentials to review this book. I was born in Korea, and moved to the U.S. with my parents when I was three. I learned to speak English at five. My parents owned a small grocery in a dangerous section of Los Angeles, working seven days a week to make ends meet. I worked in the store after school and studied in the back. My dad earned two masters and a divinity degree in the U.S., and went on to become a Korean-American community leader. I earned two Ivy League degrees, became a U.S. citizen (as did my mom and dad), and now work in middle management for a large corporation. My husband, although a 4th generation American, is one hundred percent Polish by descent. His dad was a contractor, his mom ran an appliance store, and he helped out in the businesses while growing up. He and his sister became attorneys. My husband and I have a son in pre-school. I am convinced that the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world and is truly the land of opportunity.

I do not like this book.

First, success has nothing to do with being Asian. All immigrant groups are largely comprised of people who got up and left their homelands and came to this great country, bringing their get up and go with them. Do-nothings and their progeny tend to stay home. It is a pioneering spirit that leads to success, regardless of ancestry.

Second, the quest for professional degrees is based on a misguided notion of Asian parents. Asian parents want what is best for their children, naturally, and they believe that professional careers such as in medicine and law lead not only to high salaries, but leisurely lifestyles full of golf and tennis. They end up pressuring their kids to have careers in what are really high-pressure jobs with long hours that their kids often don't even enjoy. More and more pressure, more and more stress.

Third, when Asians or anyone else writes about Asians succeeding academically, they often write from a middle and upper class perspective. But not all Asian Americans are in the upper classes, where mothers can afford to stay home to nurture the kids and studies are all that matter. There are pockets of the Asian lower classes in every large city, with gang, drug and other crime-related problems.

There are a few good tips in Top of the Class, and there is nothing wrong with trying to get ahead. But don't forget that happy and meaningful lives are what parents should ultimately wish for their children. Borrowing from the Beatles, "Money can't buy me love."

To look at the cover and title, one would think that this book would share the "secrets" of parents from all different Asian countries when it comes to raising children who do well in school. What it actually is, is a highly subjective book of sometimes contradictory advice based on anecdotal evidence from the authors' (and their friends') upbringing.

The authors explain in great detail and how their parents raised them and instilled them with discipline and a love of learning. The book's tone is almost worshipful, putting their own parents up on a pedestal and glossing quickly over things their parents may have done wrong. To read this book (with the exception of the last chapter), one would think all Asian families are perfect, nurturing, wholesome places where successes are celebrated and failures are not dwelled upon but seen as learning experiences. I don't know about you, but I know more than one Asian kid who would strongly disagree!

I lived for six months in Korea, where I taught English to school age children. Let me tell you something: the authors' parents are the exception, not the rule, in Korea. The authors say Asian kids spend less time on extracurriculars so they can concentrate on schoolwork, but I found many of my students went to five or six extracurricular classes, sports, or activities each day after school. I had third graders who were exhausted because their parents had them up until midnight studying for exams. And the respect for educators that the authors stressed in their book seems to have died down considerably since their parents left Korea thirty years ago.

I was also bothered by the fact that the authors apparently do not have any children of their own! Who are they to be giving parenting advice--mostly based on how they were raised twenty-plus years ago--to 21st century parents, when they are not parents themselves?

The book sends a contradictory message on more than one occasion, too. For example, they emphasize the importance of things like extracurriculars, expensive rewards (one of them was given a brand new car after being accepted to medical school, and says the promise of it is a main reason she worked so hard), and trips abroad. On the other hand, they say it is important to live modestly and not show off your riches or spoil your child with everything they want, because then they will work harder to become a doctor or lawyer so that they can be wealthy when they grow up.

Which brings me to another problem I had with this book: They seem to take it for granted that everyone's dream for their children is that they be very wealthy. Despite their supposed respect for educators, they don't suggest that you encourage your child to become a teacher; that would be too low paid. They believe you should steer your children towards medicine, law, business, or engineering...and it seems it should matter little whether the child's dream is to be a carpenter, teacher, or fireman. Those professions are evidently not worthwhile as far as the authors are concerned, and are the kind of things one should only go into if they don't work hard enough in school to make it as a doctor or lawyer.

All that said, I did take away some very helpful advice from this book that I plan to apply someday with my own children. I think their approach to being involved in the childrens' education is a great idea. If you want your child to do well, you must know what is going on in the classroom and reinforce that at home.

Most importantly, though, I liked the author's advice on setting an example for your child and making sure they know that you value grades and enjoy learning yourself. I grew up watching my parents read and learn, and knowing that those things were very important to them. It served me well when I was in school to be raised that way.

Overall, I though this book should more appropriately been called "How Our Wonderful Parents (who happen to be Asian), Raised Us." But that might not have sold as many copies.

How many of us haven't stereotyped Asian-Americans as amazing students? But if you chalk up those good grades to race or genetics, you're wrong. The secret, according to Kim and Abboud, lies in following 17 principles and ideas that their own parents, who immigrated from Korea to the United States, implemented.

While some of the suggestions are what you would find in most other articles or books about raising smarter kids, others are unique and introduce a more "Eastern" approach to making children high achievers. One of these is the role that the whole family plays in any of its member's success, academic or otherwise. This contrasts with a generally Western approach that pushes and praises individual effort and achievement over that attained with the help of family.

I appreciated the way the authors shared concrete examples of how their parents dedicated great effort in teaching their children to not only get good grades but to really love learning, first and foremost by being good role models. One great example was how their father spent one whole summer reading and going over the novel Jane Eyre with one of his daughters so that she could improve her English score on the SAT. Another is how their mother tailored her efforts to teach her kids the alphabet according to their own learning style, like when she had a very young Kim read the names of candy bars in the grocery aisle during shopping trips.

One issue that was rather difficult to digest was the authors' emphasis on helping children choose careers they are not only passionate about, but that also offer financial stability. As an example, they share the experience of Kim, who wanted to be a writer, but on her parents' strong insistence, became a lawyer instead. While she has been able to incorporate her love of the written word into her career, this push towards a field that offers a higher salary runs against the trend of letting kids choose their area of interest, regardless of the financial rewards or lack thereof. What would their parents have said if Kim had wanted to be a passionate, dedicated but underpaid middle school teacher? Should she have sacrificed her talents and passion solely for the sake of a six-figure salary? I say, no way.

Overall, this book offers some unique ideas on how your children can not only get better grades, but truly love learning. And that, despite its flaws, is why reading Top Of The Class is worth the time and implementing its ideas worth the effort.