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52 of 55 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Practical, Clear, Useful Book , Solidly Evangelical, January 6, 2002
Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs Written by Dave Carder (Moody Press, rev. 1995) Reviewed by Pastor Ed Vasicek I first heard Dave Carder at the Moody Bible Institute's pastor's conference in 2000. After attending his workshop about counseling situations involving marital infidelity, I returned home and immediately ordered his book. I was not disappointed. Torn Asunder was written for those somehow connected to marital affairs, including prodigal spouses, their mates, pastors, counselors, or concerned friends. It is easy to understand, thoroughly evangelical in conviction, and based on the author's practical counseling experience and keen observation. It offers clear direction and principals upon which to build. The book is divided into three main sections. The first division, "Understanding Extramarital Affairs" contains five chapters which distinguish types of affairs, causes, and factors that contribute toward improper relationships. The second subdivision boasts six chapters and is titled, "Healing from Affairs." The last three chapters tie up a few miscellaneous loose ends and are sectioned off as , "Special Circumstances." The author writes clearly, simply, and informatively. He provides only a few necessary statistics (e.g., 50 to 65% of husbands and 45-55% of wives have had extra-marital affairs by the age of 40) as well as some surprising insights: "Young wives today are actually having affairs at a faster rate than same-aged men..." Some of Carder's material is questionable. For example, the author describes the types of personalities that are more affair-prone than others without backing up his claims through documented studies. Most of what he says in this volume, however, does ring true to reality. Carder offers a lot of meaty information. A few helpful statements include: "In sporadic, longer-lasting affairs, the spouse will need about two years to recover..." and, "The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused the spouse." He does not minimize the pain and anger involved in these traumatic situations. Carder views infidelity as not just indicative of a troubled individual, but rather indicative of a troubled marriage relationship involving both partners. He writes, "The goal for both to figure out is: what emotional and physical nurturance did the infidel receive from the affair that was unavailable in the marriage?" I recommend this book to those struggling with recovery from infidelity, pastors, counselors, people-helpers, or anyone interested in a Christian perspective as to the causes, prevention, and recovery of marital affairs. It is thorough, sensitive, clear, balanced, and faithful to the Scriptures.
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36 of 38 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Good book, But....., February 6, 2005
This is one of the better books I've read lately. It has helped me deal with the anger I felt over what happened. But I did have issue with a couple of points in the book. The book is written with the husband as the infidel. I know its difficult to write such a book and remain gender neutral, but this point mad the book harder for me to read and conncet with. Men and women are different in what they need and desire. The way the book is written it appears to not explore why women have affairs. Granted an affair is an affair but the underlying causes are different for men than they are for women. This book says that the faithful spouse must take partial responsibility for the affair if healing is to take place. This is out and out bull. The faithful spouse may have contributed to the conditions in the marriage that lead up to the affair and needs to take responsibilty for that, but the infidel CHOSE to have the affair. No matter how bad the marriage is its no excuse for an affair. An affair is strictly a choice by the infidel and no one else is responsible for those actions. This book says that the best way to assure that there is never another affair is to show your wayward spouse the pain they have caused you. Supposedly remembering the pain they caused the faithful spouse will keep them from straying again. I would want my wandering spouse to not have another affair because they love me not because they would inflict pain on me. Other than it was a great book and anyone recovering from infidelity in their marriage needs to read this one.
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22 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Married (or equivalent), or used to be? Read this book!!!!!, December 5, 1996
By A Customer
Extra-marital affairs! - Whether you're having one, thinking of having one, married to someone who has had or is having one, a child of someone who had one, or a friend of someone trying to cope with one, or just trying to ensure your own marriage is safe from one, READ THIS BOOK! The book covers the three types of affair: one-night stand, entangled affair, sexual addiction. It will help you understand why it occurred, why you feel as you do about it, and what you can do. The phases of the affair, and of the innocent spouse's response, are explained, as also are ways of rebuilding trust, understanding forgiveness, and restructuring intimacy. Secret affairs - those not yet revealed to the innocent spouse - are also discussed. It's a Christian book, but not the "Come to Jesus and all will be well!" variety, so don't be put off. The author is an experienced psychologist as well as Christian minister - don't let THAT put you off either! It's not a substitute for "proper" counselling or therapy, but it offers a starting point especially where counselling is not available or where the pain and shame feel too great. It doesn't matter whether the affair leads to divorce or to "forgive and forget". Those affected still need to work through it and understand what happened, because otherwise the marriage cannot be strong, or the divorcees' future lives will be damaged, or the children will be affected in their own relationships and marriages. Those directly involved may find it hard to read this book, but if they do so they will find themselves reflected in it. Their friends will find it a lifeline, as they offer support. The book has one flaw: NO INDEX!!! - so you end up reading it three times while looking for the good bits you remember seeing somewhere in it. But the table of contents is quite full, which helps fill the gap. Okay, so this book is not "The First Wives Club", but it's still worth reading. There is hope. Get it now, BEFORE you need it
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