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Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair Paperback – October 1, 2008

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Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair + Torn Asunder Workbook: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair + Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage
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Editorial Reviews

Review

It is biblical. It is well researched. It is hopeful. It is practical. Dave Carder not only knows the subject, he lives in integrity as a man who walks his talk. His life, his teaching, his character, and his competency assure the reader that this book will change lives.
-Dr. John Townsend, Author

About the Author

DAVE CARDER serves as Pastor of Counseling Ministries at First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, CA. His specialty is Adultery Recovery and Prevention for which he has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Network, Discovery Health, and The Learning Channel, has done training for the US Army and Navy, plus multiple tapings for The Tony Robbins Passion Project, Marriage Uncensored, 100 Huntley Street, Salvation Army Leadership Training, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. His interviews and articles have appeared in Ladies Home Journal, USA Today, The Counseling Connection, and various other magazines and journals. He is the author or co-author of Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, and Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past. He holds the Michigan Limited License for Psychology and the California Marital and Family Therapy license, and has graduate degrees in Biblical Literature and Counseling Psychology. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have been married 49 years, have four adult children, and eight grandchildren.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 320 pages
  • Publisher: Moody Publishers; New Edition edition (October 1, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0802471358
  • ISBN-13: 978-0802471352
  • Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6.1 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (80 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #50,977 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

37 of 44 people found the following review helpful By A. Cameron on February 7, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I do not recommend this book to any betrayed spouse. You will not find any healing in it. You will only blame yourself for your spouse's affair, which is totally ridiculous. There are some good points in this book, but overall, I did not find it in any way helpful.
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53 of 65 people found the following review helpful By tln0324 on March 12, 2011
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I have two complaints about this book. First, there is an anti-woman undercurrent that set my teeth on edge from the get go. If you read the "case studies" carefully, women are almost always shown having hysterical, violent, over-the-top reactions, whether they are the betrayer or the betrayed. In one case, the betrayed wife immediately calls her husband's boss and waits for him to arrive with his wife before she will even speak to her cheating husband. Who does that??? She then proceeds to call the other woman's husband and rant over the phone that she wants both of them dead. Seriously? Even the letter from the "other woman" at the beginning is a joke. She was herself married, and the breakthrough to the recovery of her own marriage following her affair came when she broke down, hysterically begging her husband to help her overcome her weakness. In the one case given (that I managed to get to before I gave up entirely on the book) in which the husband was the injured spouse, he "opened his heart" to his cheating wife in a blissful moment of forgiveness. I wanted to throw the book into a corner.

My second complaint is that the injured spouse is expected to accept responsibility for the infidelity. Carder gives the betrayer lots of thinly-veiled sympathy. The unstated message I got from the book: the poor, cheating spouse was forced to into the affair by the negligent, inattentive spouse (nearly always the wife in his examples). Recovery can't happen until the faithful spouse realizes the error of their ways. It was insulting. The injured spouse should examine his or her actions WITHIN THE MARRIAGE that gave context to the development of the affair, but the cheating spouse must be held accountable for his or her decision to cheat.

If you are the betrayed spouse or a woman with an ounce of self-respect, pick a different book! My suggestion: NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
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57 of 71 people found the following review helpful By abitwobblynow on March 24, 2011
Format: Paperback
To say that the affair is a result of problems in the marriage further victimises the devastated spouse.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Just two flawed individuals who do love eachother and who are trying their best. I too did not have my needs met, I also was situationally depressed and felt neglected (reasons given by him and less-than-helpful IC) BUT I didn't respond to come-ons and I didn't betray. Same marriage, same dynamics, different individual, innit. I would like to have worked on those problems being in control of my life, with confidence and with hope. But one needs to be willing face problems, to acknowledge them and thereby change them, not turn outward to Justafriend.

Affairs don't 'just happen', they are A DELIBERATE CHOICE TO DECEIVE and betray. They are a CHOICE to go outside and turn to a third person. It is part of the [hidden rage] decision to deliberately deceive your spouse, that adds to the fun and excitement of the fantasy (Peggy Vaughan). This needs addressing. As they say, 'if you are unhappy in your marriage, exactly how does [ ] a slut help anything? Exactly how do you think that is going to turn out for you? Affairs are a disaster: not some of the time, ALL of the time. If you think you are different, then you are deluded and need professional help'.

I think infidels really need to be required to look at their conflict avoidance, their passive aggression, and other less than mature human qualities that led them to make the self-indulgent damaging choices they did. That 97% of these beautiful, beautiful liaisons fizzle out, and the fact that a lot of marriages survive the affair, says that it is less about the marriage, and more about the maladaptive coping mechanisms of the one who runs. If imperfect marriages are the cause, then ALL marriages should have infidelity, and they don't.

There is NO excuse for deceit and betrayal. None.
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45 of 56 people found the following review helpful By truth teller on March 1, 2009
Format: Paperback
Once more another "highly recommended" book dissapoints. Until the infidel takes FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his sin and the destruction of his family, a marriage can never fully recover. I speak for myself and many other christian women when I say that blaming someone else, even in part, will only add insult to injury. Thank God, I have a husband who was willing to own what he did and not blame me for his selfish choices. This book begins asking the spouse to "OWN" what she did to cause adultery. It left me feeling hopeless and sad. If you want to pay good money to be insulted, then read this book!
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46 of 60 people found the following review helpful By Chris on April 17, 2009
Format: Paperback
This book was a real surprise. Its full of calm and subtle tips that give the adulterer plenty of leash and no guilt. I would call this book perfectly seeker-friendly and is so bad on avoiding repentance and responsibility for the sin it should not even be in the Christian category. Don't waste your time with this book, especially if your the spouse who did not commit the affair. Dave has plenty of ownership for you to take but very little for the adulterer. Though we should search ourselves in such a time, NO ONE can cause someone else to sin. And the word sin means two different things to Dave and I. Instead, pick up a copy of At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher. This book calls sin....sin. And it calls the adulterer to a real repentance and transformation. Daves book is Dr. Phil with a Christian category placement that it doesn't deserve.
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