Customer Reviews

Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(7)

 

 

Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs
Written by Dave Carder (Moody Press, rev. 1995)
Reviewed by Pastor Ed Vasicek

I first heard Dave Carder at the Moody Bible Institute's pastor's conference in 2000. After attending his workshop about counseling situations involving marital infidelity, I returned home and immediately ordered his book. I was not disappointed.

Torn Asunder was written for those somehow connected to marital affairs, including prodigal spouses, their mates, pastors, counselors, or concerned friends. It is easy to understand, thoroughly evangelical in conviction, and based on the author's practical counseling experience and keen observation. It offers clear direction and principals upon which to build.

The book is divided into three main sections. The first division, "Understanding Extramarital Affairs" contains five chapters which distinguish types of affairs, causes, and factors that contribute toward improper relationships. The second subdivision boasts six chapters and is titled, "Healing from Affairs." The last three chapters tie up a few miscellaneous loose ends and are sectioned off as , "Special Circumstances."

The author writes clearly, simply, and informatively. He provides only a few necessary statistics (e.g., 50 to 65% of husbands and 45-55% of wives have had extra-marital affairs by the age of 40) as well as some surprising insights: "Young wives today are actually having affairs at a faster rate than same-aged men..."

Some of Carder's material is questionable. For example, the author describes the types of personalities that are more affair-prone than others without backing up his claims through documented studies. Most of what he says in this volume, however, does ring true to reality.

Carder offers a lot of meaty information. A few helpful statements include: "In sporadic, longer-lasting affairs, the spouse will need about two years to recover..." and, "The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused the spouse." He does not minimize the pain and anger involved in these traumatic situations.

Carder views infidelity as not just indicative of a troubled individual, but rather indicative of a troubled marriage relationship involving both partners. He writes, "The goal for both to figure out is: what emotional and physical nurturance did the infidel receive from the affair that was unavailable in the marriage?"

I recommend this book to those struggling with recovery from infidelity, pastors, counselors, people-helpers, or anyone interested in a Christian perspective as to the causes, prevention, and recovery of marital affairs. It is thorough, sensitive, clear, balanced, and faithful to the Scriptures.

This is one of the better books I've read lately. It has helped me deal with the anger I felt over what happened.

But I did have issue with a couple of points in the book.

The book is written with the husband as the infidel. I know its difficult to write such a book and remain gender neutral, but this point mad the book harder for me to read and conncet with. Men and women are different in what they need and desire. The way the book is written it appears to not explore why women have affairs. Granted an affair is an affair but the underlying causes are different for men than they are for women.

This book says that the faithful spouse must take partial responsibility for the affair if healing is to take place. This is out and out bull. The faithful spouse may have contributed to the conditions in the marriage that lead up to the affair and needs to take responsibilty for that, but the infidel CHOSE to have the affair. No matter how bad the marriage is its no excuse for an affair. An affair is strictly a choice by the infidel and no one else is responsible for those actions.

This book says that the best way to assure that there is never another affair is to show your wayward spouse the pain they have caused you. Supposedly remembering the pain they caused the faithful spouse will keep them from straying again. I would want my wandering spouse to not have another affair because they love me not because they would inflict pain on me.

Other than it was a great book and anyone recovering from infidelity in their marriage needs to read this one.

Extra-marital affairs! - Whether you're having one, thinking of having one, married to someone who has had or is having one, a child of someone who had one, or a friend of someone trying to cope with one, or just trying to ensure your own marriage is safe from one, READ THIS BOOK! The book covers the three types of affair: one-night stand, entangled affair, sexual addiction. It will help you understand why it occurred, why you feel as you do about it, and what you can do. The phases of the affair, and of the innocent spouse's response, are explained, as also are ways of rebuilding trust, understanding forgiveness, and restructuring intimacy. Secret affairs - those not yet revealed to the innocent spouse - are also discussed. It's a Christian book, but not the "Come to Jesus and all will be well!" variety, so don't be put off. The author is an experienced psychologist as well as Christian minister - don't let THAT put you off either! It's not a substitute for "proper" counselling or therapy, but it offers a starting point especially where counselling is not available or where the pain and shame feel too great. It doesn't matter whether the affair leads to divorce or to "forgive and forget". Those affected still need to work through it and understand what happened, because otherwise the marriage cannot be strong, or the divorcees' future lives will be damaged, or the children will be affected in their own relationships and marriages. Those directly involved may find it hard to read this book, but if they do so they will find themselves reflected in it. Their friends will find it a lifeline, as they offer support. The book has one flaw: NO INDEX!!! - so you end up reading it three times while looking for the good bits you remember seeing somewhere in it. But the table of contents is quite full, which helps fill the gap. Okay, so this book is not "The First Wives Club", but it's still worth reading. There is hope. Get it now, BEFORE you need it

I found this book a very hard read not because of its readability but because of its straight forward manner inwhich the author discusses this sensitive and common issue. It helped me gain a better perspective of not only my part in the formualtion of an affair but also a perspective from my wifes point of view. I highly recommend this book but only after the intial barrage of emotions have passed after discovering the affair.

This book was recommended to me by a friend and it was very helpful in healing from and understanding the anatomy of an affair. When you or your spouse has fallen into adultery, if it is just a quick one night stand, sometimes it is easier just to address it quickly and let it go without going into the painful process of understanding why and what dangers may lie ahead. But, if we don't understand why it happened, the chances of it happening again and moving into a much worse, deeper, marriage destroying affair are great.

Torn Asunder can help couples reconcile and work through recovery from an affair. I would consider it an almost must-buy. Trying to heal without knowing the material in this book
would be next to impossible.

The only reason I gave it a four star rating instead of five is that I feel that when a spouse is entrenched into a lasting type 2 affair, the approach they take is firm and has some good merits, but I feel very strongly that the "Last Resort Technique" in Michele Weiner-Davis' book "Divorce Remedy" is a much better approach. I believe Davis' book would be much, much
more effective in rescuing a damaged marriage and bringing it
back from near divorce or divorce.

I would tend to use "Torn Asunder" more for understanding and
preventing future affairs as well as emotional healing.

This book is by far the best choice for a couple searching for hope in the midst of the storm. I have read it plus two others on rebuilding after an affair and this book is far and away the best, most complete of them all. It has honest, sincere advice on the best ways to weather this storm and come out with a magnificent marriage. I especially liked the fact that it has chapters addressing the process that both the wounded and unfaithful spouse are going through after discovery of an affair. My husband didn't particularly like being referred to as the "infidel", but the content of the book is so good that he managed to get past that. In the darkest days after the discovery of an extramarital affair, this book can provide insight, compassion, and most of all, hope for the future.

Almost two years after discovering my husband's affair, I still find relief and encouragement in this book. It provided great insight in the immediate weeks after disclosure and has since served to remind me that I am not crazy to not be 100% over the devastation. Dave Carder makes some very difficult information easy to read and comprehend. This book was of geat help to both my husband and I, and I believe that it has given us a good foundation of knowledge on which to begin rebuilding our marriage!

This book was a real surprise. Its full of calm and subtle tips that give the adulterer plenty of leash and no guilt. I would call this book perfectly seeker-friendly and is so bad on avoiding repentance and responsibility for the sin it should not even be in the Christian category. Don't waste your time with this book, especially if your the spouse who did not commit the affair. Dave has plenty of ownership for you to take but very little for the adulterer. Though we should search ourselves in such a time, NO ONE can cause someone else to sin. And the word sin means two different things to Dave and I. Instead, pick up a copy of At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher. This book calls sin....sin. And it calls the adulterer to a real repentance and transformation. Daves book is Dr. Phil with a Christian category placement that it doesn't deserve.

Once more another "highly recommended" book dissapoints. Until the infidel takes FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his sin and the destruction of his family, a marriage can never fully recover. I speak for myself and many other christian women when I say that blaming someone else, even in part, will only add insult to injury. Thank God, I have a husband who was willing to own what he did and not blame me for his selfish choices. This book begins asking the spouse to "OWN" what she did to cause adultery. It left me feeling hopeless and sad. If you want to pay good money to be insulted, then read this book!

This books helps to understand the why of an extramarital affair - especially the Entangled Affair. I was the infidel and the shame of what I had done threw me even deeper into depression and a confused state of mind. My counselor recommended the book for me & my husband. I read the book - my husband did not. It helped me to realize I was not alone and not a horrible person. I stood by and took my husband's anger, because I felt I deserved it, but I feel if he had read the book, it would have helped him more than me. My personal belief is that both spouses should read the book to get a better understanding of why the affair happened and how to recover. I'm giving it four stars because I have not read another book on extramarital affairs for comparison.