41 of 45 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Good training has worked for generations, December 21, 2011
This review is from: To Train Up A Child (Paperback)
First time posting a comment on Amazon. I was given this book almost 15 years ago and observed many interactions between children and parents in my 49+ years. I have also read the No Greater Joy volumns 1,2 and 3. What I like about these books is that they teach through stories.
The most striking quality that I see in parents that "do NOT spank" is ANGER toward their children and often hatred toward them as well. One family member was disgusted with the book and the whole "training" concept. She regularly has melt-downs when her children don't obey her. When they were young she had to drive them around the neighborhood just to get them to go to sleep--EVERY DAY!! Children naturally push boundaries and her children pushed hers. Her anger would escalate to the point of screaming at them daily, twisting their skin, twisting their arms, pulling their hair, anything to keep from "SPANKING" them. They are now on drugs to alter their unacceptable behavior. If they had been trained early in life, they would be a joy to this mom, but now they are lazy, overweight boys addicted to food and TV and have NO relationship with their mom or motivation in life.
Years ago, another mother, a co-worker, told me point-blank that she does would NEVER SPANK her children while moments later telling me that she sometimes got so angry with her children that she picked them up and THREW them across the room. My mom threw me across the room in anger and frustration and is considered to be a GENTLE parent. And what about the screaming? Emotional scars cause death as well.
Wouldn't a light switching have been a better choice for all these children? I believe firmly that it would have. A child disobeys, gets a little swat, then the discipline is over, done, finished. No long, drawn out explanations and screaming, and harmful, HATEFUL attitudes from parent to child. I agree with Michael Pearl that the REAL CULPRIT is OUT-OF-CONTROL parents, not the concept of spanking. Here is the section that I liked best:
(from "Parental Anger", page 25)
"Anger--Parent, have you trained yourself not to discipline immediately but to wait until your irritation builds to anger? If so, then you have allowed anger to become your inducement to discipline--a less than worthy motivation. 'But how can I stop being so angry?' you ask. It's simple. Don't wait until it becomes a personal affront to you. Discipline immediately upon the slightest disobedience. When children see you motivated by anger and frustration, they assume that your 'discipline' is just a personal matter, a competition of interest. The child thinks of you much as he would of any other child who is bullying him around. He is not being made to respect the law and the lawgiver. He believes that you are forcing him to give into superior power. When you act in anger, your child feels that YOU ARE COMMITTING A PERSONAL TRANSGRESSION AGAINST HIM--violating his personal rights (emphasis mine in caps). You have lost the dignity of your office. As politicians often say, 'You are not presidential enough.' If your child does not see consistency in the lawgiver, in his mind there is no law at all, just competition for supremacy. YOU HAVE TAUGHT YOURSELF TO BE MOTIVATED ONLY BY ANGER (emphasis mine in caps). And you have TAUGHT YOUR CHILD TO RESPOND ONLY TO ANGER. Having failed to PROPERLY train your child you have allowed the seeds of self-indulgence and rebellion to grow to ugly proportions."
The people who "disciplined" their children to DEATH are MONSTERS of the HIGHEST DEGREE. Their true colors will come out as the criminals that they truly are. Their living children will testify of other bizarre abuse that has nothing to do with the book, To Train Up A Child. The emotionally charged news stories have caused a tremendous backlash from parents who are inadvertently joining a MOB OF HATERS of traditional discipline that has worked properly for generations. Those who are twisting the content of this book are TOTALLY missing the point that the ROD is a light switch, a reinforcement to backing up your word, NOT a baseball bat! There will always be those that twist truth. Spanking is not an everyday event, it is the exception rather than the rule.
I watched some of the talking heads on TV discussing this book. I have read the book several times and most of commentaries have TOTALLY taken the words out of context. That said, even WHOOPIE GOLDBERG said that she will give her child a swat after telling him to 'get into your room' after the 40th (was it the 45th?--sorry Whoopie) time. Whoopie, why not use a light switch and get them to obey the first time?
Many studies have been done by well-balanced researchers who have confirmed that PROPER spanking causes STABILITY and SUCESS in children. For those people who will skip the rest of this, I have provided some links and some text from those links to show that PROPER SPANKING WORKS.
LINK: [...]
TEXT:
In 2002, Child Trends, a non-partisan, non-profit research organization, published a large study titled Charting Parenthood - A STATISTICAL PORTRAIT OF FATHERS AND MOTHERS IN AMERICA. One of their results was this:
Percentage of adults ages 18 to 65 who either agree or strongly agree that it is sometimes necessary to discipline a child with a good, hard spanking:
1986 '88 '89 '90 '91 '93 '94 '96 '98 2000_Females 82 76 75 77 69 72 69 70 69 71_Males 84 81 83 82 78 73 78 73 77 79
I suspect that you, like me, are not surprised by those results... that those who spank have probably decreased in number, but that a substantial majority do still occasionally spank. I also suspect that many of those parents prefer not to spank, and don't do it very often. We could also quibble about how hard a "hard" spanking is.
I doubt that my own experience is unique. I certainly didn't enjoy being in a position where spanking one of my daughters seemed necessary... it was a last alternative. There were times when a quick whack on an amply-padded bottom was no more than an attention-getter or maybe a reminder of who's in charge. Most parents learn that distracting a child from unwanted behavior is sometimes enough, and a single spank may accomplish that. I think most parents also learn that the mere act of physical punishment is more important than any pain or discomfort, but that can depend on the age of the child, and certainly differs from one child to the next.
Health Plus at Vanderbilt University says that:
More than 90 percent of parents report that they spank their children at least occasionally.
I think we can attribute the difference between the 70-some percent who answered the survey question and the 90 percent number to the survey phrase "good, hard spanking"
Converse with a parent about spanking and you're not likely to get a simple Yes or No... you'll get an explanation similar to the one I gave about myself.
My point is that (1) survey results don't provide very useful information, and that (2) almost all parents do, in fact, think seriously about spanking, rather than just lashing out like brutes. When I was a kid, some parents would say "This is going to hurt me more than it does you". I don't remember hearing it myself, but I wouldn't have believed it... until I became a parent and regretted feeling that I had to resort to spanking.
The Vanderbilt site goes on to say:
Most parents spank their children occasionally, and most kids grow up to be good, productive, and loving adults.
Another source points out:
Interestingly, most older Americans - the ones who stayed married, stayed off drugs, and kept their kids out of trouble - employed spanking liberally.
If between 70 and 90% of all parents spank occasionally, it seems disingenuous to label it "deviant" or "dangerous" or "abusive" behavior. Nevertheless, there are groups doing their best to force us to stop spanking altogether. They obviously do not trust parents to use their own good sense. Instead, they would eliminate all forms of physical discipline... promoting a blanket rule against spanking of all kinds. They presume to comprehend all possible contexts and all possible children, and claim that spanking is never needed. By implication, they know better than the rest of us how we should control our children. Such programs do what many advocacy groups do... they use loaded terminology, such as "never, ever hit a child", and labeling spanking as violence, corporal punishment, and abuse.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but such know-it-alls invariably wish to force their enlightened opinion on the rest of us. As I reported in an earlier column:
Georgia's Division of Family and Children Services forcibly removed forty-one children from parents who belong to a church that advocates spanking for discipline... but only two of the children had bruises or other signs of injury.
Even more astounding is this article from the Christian Science Monitor about the British Parliament:
As a new children's bill makes its way through Parliament, ministers and officials are debating whether all forms of corporal punishment - even by parents - should be banned. The government has taken state interference in personal behavior to a new level; it now seems to distrust parents so much that it thinks they can't distinguish between disciplining their kids and assaulting them.
Parenting is a difficult task, and children are an exception to many adult "rules". Parents bear the heavy responsibility for the safety and well-being of their children. They certainly don't need the second-guessing and one-size-fits-all generalizations of do-gooders hanging over their shoulders, judging them.
I think the Child Protection Reform site sums it up well:
Anti-spanking...
Read more ›
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131 of 154 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Only good has come from this book in my child, December 22, 2011
This review is from: To Train Up A Child (Paperback)
The basic idea of this book is to condition and train our children into acceptable behaviors that we would desire them to have in society as a child and later as an adult. It is breaking down the cultural lie that your child doesn't need to eat their food, sit down with you or obey if they don't want to. There is no abuse in this book but training your child from early on to do or not do certain things SO THAT there will be no need for major discipline later in life. If we don't discipline or train our children, they will reap the consequences that society has set up for those who do not follow the laws placed before them. Michael Pearl advocates that NONE of this training will work if you DO NOT have a relationship with your child that is filled with LOVE, TRUST and simple things like playing together. This will not work for parents who are fed up with their children. This will not work for mothers who try to train their children but fail to respect their husbands.
All of the horrible abuse stories that have arisen lately are filled with parents who DID NOT LOVE their children AND DID NOT FOLLOW ANYTHING IN THIS BOOK. LOVE IS NOT tying them up, handcuffing them, or starving them. THIS IS NOT PROMOTED IN THIS BOOK.
It's simple controlled taps of the arms or legs if they touch something they are not supposed to touch, refuse to stay in your arms, etc. ALL OF THIS IS IN VAIN IF YOUR CHILD ARE NOT SMILING THRU THE DAY. you can tell by the child's demeanor if the parents are in a love relationship with their child and OBVIOUSLY the poor children who have been killed lately by their parents DID NOT HAVE A SMILE THRU THE DAY.
I have seen my 21 month old daughter love her life even more because I am helping her obey and not indulge herself. She is full of smiles, we play often together and she obeys all the time because that is how she has been trained. There is no such thing as the terrible two's in our house because she has been trained from the beginning to not complain with her voice, not cry out in anger, and to comply always. If not for Michael Pearl's book, my house would be filled with ongoing power struggles, frustrating days and most of all, an indulgent child who will have no self- control in her life when she is older. Our family has been very blessed by Michael Pearl and his example and tips for child-training and our marriage.
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