Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self [Paperback]

Elan Golomb (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 28, 1995

In this compelling book, Elan Golomb identifies the crux of the emotional and psychological problems of millions of adults. Simply put, the children of narcissist -- offspring of parents whose interest always towered above the most basic needs of their sons and daughters -- share a common belief: They believe they do not have the right to exist.

The difficulties experienced by adult children of narcissists can manifest themselves in many ways: for examples, physical self-loathing that takes form of overeating, anorexia, or bulimia; a self-destructive streak that causes poor job performance and rocky personal relationships; or a struggle with the self that is perpetuated in the adult's interaction with his or her own children. These dilemmas are both common and correctable, Dr. Golomb tells us.

With an empathic blend of scholarship and case studies, along with her own personal narrative of her fight for self, Dr. Golomb plumbs the depths of this problem, revealing its mysterious hold on the affairs of otherwise bright, aware, motivated, and worthy people. Trapped in the Mirror explores.

• the nature of the paralysis and lack of motivation so many adults feel
• stress and its role in exacerbating childhood wrongs
• why do many of our relationships seem to be "reruns" of the past
• how one's body image can be formed by faulty parenting
• how anger must be acknowledge to be overcome
• and, most important, how even the most traumatized self can be healed.

Rooted in a profoundly humanist traditional approach, and suffused with the benefit of the latest knowledge about intrafamily relationships, Trapped in the Mirror offers more than the average self-help book; it is truly the first self-heal book for millions.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

It seems reasonable to expect self-help books to accomplish one of three goals: to explain behavior, to assist readers to develop their potential or to change unwanted behavior patterns, or to motivate readers. This book fails on all three counts. People who may be attracted to the concept have probably already realized that their relationship with a self-absorbed parent has caused problems, and they will not learn much else. The suggestions for change are too general to be useful, and the tone is at times spiteful and depressing. Susan Forward and Buck Craig's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Bantam, 1989) covers the same topic in a more positive and helpful fashion. Not recommended.
- Mary Ann Hughes, Washington State Univ. Libs., Pullman
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Kirkus Reviews

A sober study by a clinical psychologist of the destructive legacy that narcissistic parents bequeath to their children and the troubling characteristics those children share as adults. Narcissists behave, Golomb says, as if they are the center of the universe, organizing their lives around denial of negative feelings about themselves. Their children, forced to conform to parental thinking, grow up with a range of subtle emotional disabilities, most commonly a distorted view of their capacities. All too frequently this damaged sense of self-worth interferes with their search for autonomy, their performance, and with their other adult relationships. Golomb, child of a narcissistic father, gives examples from the lives of friends and patients, as well as from her own experiences, and shows how these strained views of reality can be passed along from one generation to the next or can shadow an entire family's happiness. She is particularly adept in discussing why some people persist in the most puzzling behaviors (bankrolling one lover after another, for example) and how they see and defend these patterns. Although Golomb has experimented with meditation techniques and group treatment, she finds psychoanalytic psychotherapy the most consistently helpful set of strategies and suggests ways for adults to approach narcissistic parents and to change the nature of these relationships. ``Narcissism is a tale of codependency,'' she observes. ``If we want to be treated in a different way, the change in treatment must start with how we present ourselves to [narcissists].'' Golomb writes in language more accessible to other therapists than to general readers, unleavened by humor, and without a specific agenda. But difficult as her approach may be, it's sound and ultimately rewarding as well. -- Copyright ©1991, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow & Company, Inc. (March 28, 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0688140718
• ISBN-13: 978-0688140717
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (118 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #10,824 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #8 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Parent & Adult Child
  • #12 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Relationships > Conflict Management

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

123 of 126 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I finally understand!, November 21, 1999

By 

Sue L. Hartl "Suebee" (Castle Rock, CO) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self (Paperback)

This book was the answer to my questions, my anger, and my resentment towards my narcissistic mother. For years I beat myself up, thinking that there was some way I could make her love me more. I thought it was up to me. "Trapped in the Mirror" was a very well-written account of many people's struggles and the common threads of emotions we all go through as "victims". I am no longer a victim after reading this book. I understand my mom better because I know where she is coming from. I also know how to spot a narcissist and keep my distance! Very empowering!

173 of 187 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finding real life and real love at last, June 2, 2001

By 

Richard Crowder (St Louis MO USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self (Paperback)

Children seek approval from their parents; adolescents, from their peers; adults, from themselves.

In a healthy family, the parents facilitate this development, giving the child the generous love that makes it possible for her to grow beyond the neediness of the first stage. (Both sexes can occupy both positions, but for simplicity we'll assume that the parent is male, the child female.) A healthy parent recognizes his child as a separate person. He provides an environment where she can start creating an independent life that will represent her own spirit. His joy is to watch her become who she is.

But generally a parent who has not received this kind of love in childhood does not have it to give. Instead of seeking to meet the child's needs, he seeks to make her meet his. In love with an idealized self-image of confidence and authority, he wants his child to justify or repeat his life--or the life he wishes he had lived. He acts to keep her in a childish state, seeking his approval. When she meets his wishes, he gives her exaggerated praise; when she doesn't, exaggerated criticism. But what drives his behavior is neither love nor malice, but fear--fear that his child, or he, or anyone, will discover that the Wizard of Oz is only the man behind the curtain.

The child believes in the parent and cannot see his fear. Hoping to make him love her, she tends to act as if he were right (for he must above all be right), to live out his image of her--the idealized image of what he praises, the hated image of what he criticizes, or both. She often seeks mates who replicate aspects of his character--perpetuating both her misery and her false hope that he will one day love her as a separate person. Because she has internalized his impossible demands, her pursuit of his love can continue long after his death. As long as it stays unconscious, the cycle tends to repeat itself--each successive empty parent unable to accept his child's separate humanity, passing on to her the damage he has suffered.

At varying degrees of severity, the dynamics of narcissism help to explain consequences that affect millions--ranging from low self-esteem, oversensitivity to criticism, and difficulty with authority figures to addiction, eating disorders, and confusion about who we are and what we want.

To break the cycle, the child must realize that the love she hopes for from the narcissistic parent is not coming. (She can discover also that this is not his fault.) Giving up the old hope is painful--but once it is gone, adult life and adult love become possible.

Through vivid case studies, including her own, Dr. Elan Golomb illuminates both the narcissist's compulsion and the child's struggle for liberation. She concludes with steps the children of narcissists can take to deal more effectively with their parents and emerge into lives of their own. Her brave and compassionate book enriches our view of others and of ourselves.

44 of 45 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Is a narcissist controling your life? This book can help!, August 16, 1997

By A Customer

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self (Paperback)

Narcissism has become a rampant dis-ease in our consumer driven, instant-gratification-or-die culture. Golomb's work can help readers identify the narcissists in their lives, and their own narcissistic tendencies as well. And she offers hope for those who are willing to take the risk to escape from the mirror.... Often, being able to identify a problem is the first step to being able to accept it, and transform it. Golomb gives excellent information and personalized histories/herstories that clarify the sometimes subtle, but desturctive control dramas used by narcissists to create their illusion-filled worlds. If you are considering taking the risk to free yourself from a narcissist this is an excellent resource. Information is power!