Customer Reviews

Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self

5 star:		(49)
4 star:		(23)
3 star:		(13)
2 star:		(13)
1 star:		(19)

 

 

This book was the answer to my questions, my anger, and my resentment towards my narcissistic mother. For years I beat myself up, thinking that there was some way I could make her love me more. I thought it was up to me. "Trapped in the Mirror" was a very well-written account of many people's struggles and the common threads of emotions we all go through as "victims". I am no longer a victim after reading this book. I understand my mom better because I know where she is coming from. I also know how to spot a narcissist and keep my distance! Very empowering!

Children seek approval from their parents; adolescents, from their peers; adults, from themselves.

In a healthy family, the parents facilitate this development, giving the child the generous love that makes it possible for her to grow beyond the neediness of the first stage. (Both sexes can occupy both positions, but for simplicity we'll assume that the parent is male, the child female.) A healthy parent recognizes his child as a separate person. He provides an environment where she can start creating an independent life that will represent her own spirit. His joy is to watch her become who she is.

But generally a parent who has not received this kind of love in childhood does not have it to give. Instead of seeking to meet the child's needs, he seeks to make her meet his. In love with an idealized self-image of confidence and authority, he wants his child to justify or repeat his life--or the life he wishes he had lived. He acts to keep her in a childish state, seeking his approval. When she meets his wishes, he gives her exaggerated praise; when she doesn't, exaggerated criticism. But what drives his behavior is neither love nor malice, but fear--fear that his child, or he, or anyone, will discover that the Wizard of Oz is only the man behind the curtain.

The child believes in the parent and cannot see his fear. Hoping to make him love her, she tends to act as if he were right (for he must above all be right), to live out his image of her--the idealized image of what he praises, the hated image of what he criticizes, or both. She often seeks mates who replicate aspects of his character--perpetuating both her misery and her false hope that he will one day love her as a separate person. Because she has internalized his impossible demands, her pursuit of his love can continue long after his death. As long as it stays unconscious, the cycle tends to repeat itself--each successive empty parent unable to accept his child's separate humanity, passing on to her the damage he has suffered.

At varying degrees of severity, the dynamics of narcissism help to explain consequences that affect millions--ranging from low self-esteem, oversensitivity to criticism, and difficulty with authority figures to addiction, eating disorders, and confusion about who we are and what we want.

To break the cycle, the child must realize that the love she hopes for from the narcissistic parent is not coming. (She can discover also that this is not his fault.) Giving up the old hope is painful--but once it is gone, adult life and adult love become possible.

Through vivid case studies, including her own, Dr. Elan Golomb illuminates both the narcissist's compulsion and the child's struggle for liberation. She concludes with steps the children of narcissists can take to deal more effectively with their parents and emerge into lives of their own. Her brave and compassionate book enriches our view of others and of ourselves.

Narcissism has become a rampant dis-ease in our consumer driven, instant-gratification-or-die culture. Golomb's work can help readers identify the narcissists in their lives, and their own narcissistic tendencies as well. And she offers hope for those who are willing to take the risk to escape from the mirror.... Often, being able to identify a problem is the first step to being able to accept it, and transform it. Golomb gives excellent information and personalized histories/herstories that clarify the sometimes subtle, but desturctive control dramas used by narcissists to create their illusion-filled worlds. If you are considering taking the risk to free yourself from a narcissist this is an excellent resource. Information is power!

The first couple of chapters of this book are truly breathtaking, especially if you are a child of narcissists and didn't yet know that the particular type of abuse you suffered had a name. A friend of mine recommended this book to me a year ago, with the promise that it would "change my life." It has not disappointed. However, I felt the book rattled on a bit and got too autobiographical towards the end. In fact, there was something almost--dare I say--narcissistic about how often the author would remind the reader of how important it was to her personally to be writing this book. An immensely helpful book, but readers would be better advised to use the book as a complement to therapy, rather than a substitute for it.

Trapped in the Mirror is a well-written expose' of the inner turmoil, devastation and confusion caused by the narcissistic parent or family. It is a must read for those dedicated to their personal growth or the development of an authentic self. Written in uncomplicated language, without psychobabble, it would be a quick read, were it not for the joy and pain of dawning awareness. Best read once for clarifying and strengthening your sense of self, and then again to challenge your own narcissism and how it affects your mate and offspring.

This book provides lots of examples of the ways in which growing up with narcissistic parents affects the child's entire life. Some of the anecdotes were entirely illuminating and helped me understand what my husband's life (with is narcissistic mother) has been like. This author explores lots of possible consequences, and how they can combine in one person. I liked her attention to the interactions of the various responses in a single case.

However, I found the book to be weak in two areas. First, the book is ultimately pessimistic. The message seems to be "You can be better, but only a little better, and maybe the best you can hope for is to get to where you can see why you do the unhelpful things you do." Second, the book fails to address one of the results of being raised by a narcissist: lack of empathy. If a child does not learn this at a young age, it is difficult to acquire it later. In lots of her examples, you can see that some of the problems her cases have in their lives come from their stunted empathetic abilities, but she never mentions it. As a result, she never shows how addressing this might help shift the balance.

And speaking as a person who lives with the child of a narcissist, the lack of empathy is one of the hardest things to deal with in such a person. It's hard, after 11 years, for me to remember that my husband has no genuine empathy. This was his legacy from his narcissistic mother, and I wish it had been addressed in this otherwise useful book.

This book has a lot of value in terms of recognition: I was able to see myself, my family structures, and how the influence of narcissistic parents plays out in adult life. But I was unsettled by the sense that Golumb is still angry at her situation, and hasn't truly found a new way of looking at life. When I read a self-help or psychology book, I need a guide who is integrated, self-actualized. Witnessing someone else's struggle is not enough for me; I question what she has to offer. I finished the book wondering if there really was any hope for children of narcissistic parents.

Of course the answer is Yes, but I couldn't tell from this book.

It was interesting reading, and is well-written, but I'd advise checking it out at the library before buying.

This is a heart-wrenching book for those of us who were raised by a narcissistic parent. It is well-written and brilliantly details the seductive glamour and all-too-real nightmares of such families. The other book I would highly recommend is IF YOU HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS. It covers much of the same ground from a different but just-as-compelling perspective.

A psychologist recommended this book after being forced to end a twenty year relationship with a narcistic in-law. This book explains in human terms how we slowly give our power over to people who, by their nature, can never be happy. So narrow is their world that no one can stand in it beside them. Golomb explains through case studies, that this is a real and enormous problem, many the reader will relate to in their own life. While I felt a stronger editor could have helped bring out the later chapters on 'what to do', this is still an excellent primer. It certainly lifted a illusionary but powerful guilt from my shoulders.

Ignore the fussy Library Journal review up there and get this book if you have any suspicion that you were raised by a narcissist. I'm just starting the process of coming to terms with my childhood and this book has been a tremendous help. Dr. Golomb collects a diverse range of case studies, insightfully explains the psychological processes at work in each one, and then finally brings the lessons of all the cases together to offer practical advice on recovery. If you've been dogged by the cruelty and rejection of a narcissistic parent all your life, this book is a great way to begin the process of moving out from under that shadow.