Customer Reviews

The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother?

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I am not exactly sure how I stumbled on this book ~~ where I heard about it or how ~~ but I do think this is the best "accident" that I've had in a long while. I cannot believe that there are only a few people who have written a review for it ~~ this book is really one of the best books I have read on women issues in a long time! (Ahem, people issues.)

This book is readable ~~ meaning, that in spite of the heaviness of the topics on hand, the author has taken the time and the research to show personal stories tied in with the issues. This is a great book because it's personal and informative and interesting. It flows like a conversation ~~ even though I got constantly interrupted by my husband and kids, I knew where the conversation was when I picked the book up (couldn't do that in real life though!).

I will admit that while I opted out of the rat race when I got pregnant with our twins, I really appreciated this book. I have friends who "retired" from the work force to stay home, friends who have temporarily left the workforce, and friends who work full time and part time. The issues in this book face us all. I chose not to pursue the issue I had with my former employers simply because after five years there, I knew that they weren't going to change their minds for one employee. My biggest problem is what I am going to do when my kids are in school and I would like to work in a part time job that pays well with benefits and allows me flexibility. That is an issue that a lot of women want but aren't finding in this current state of affairs.

Peskowitz also mentioned the media wars where they focus on Working Moms Vs. Stay At Home Moms and showed an entirely different point of view that is not being shown in the television shows and in newspapers or other media. She has discovered that most moms value one another. She also has discovered that there are dads out there who would like to be home more and work less so they can be a part of raising their children. (That was a favorite part of mine because my husband doesn't get to see his kids as much as he would like to because of his second shift job and I consider him a full time dad as well as a full time employee for his company!) She also mentioned housework and the drudgery involved ~~ and that employers/governments don't recognize being a housewife is a full time job in itself. The discrimination against women is mentioned too.

A huge portion of this book is devoted to the lack of working conditions favorable to moms everywhere. Women give up working simply because it's too exhausting to work a fulltime job and come home to raise a family. Women leave good paying jobs where they travel extensively once a child is born simply because it's not compatible for their lifestyles. Women have to fight to breast-feed their children or have a break to pump their milk. Women don't want to leave their jobs especially if they have worked very hard to get to where they are at, but employers are generally not forgivable for women everywhere. They oftentimes don't even provide on-site daycare centers, or pay enough to compensate a big portion of the paycheck to daycares and still have enough money left over. The issues regarding this is numerous and while women everywhere are starting to speak up, these issues are still there and won't go away till we start speaking up a little louder.

This book is simply fascinating just because she presents the facts and shares the stories of moms and dads across the country and the world as how these facts relate to them. She writes of her own experiences as well ~~ it is a book about you and me as we try to find ways to raise our children in the best way we know how. That is just what parents want. She points out that really, there isn't a war among the mothers ~~ that is a media-reality. Women and men too, want the freedom to make their choices and not have to worry about them or second-guessing themselves. They want to enjoy their family lives as it is a priority for them and still be able to work in a productive workforce.

2-13-06

Forget the much-hyped "Perfect Madness," this is the book that should be on the cover of Newsweek.

Miriam Peskowitz expertly weaves together research, analysis, personal stories and her own thoughtful insights to paint a picture of a nation of women hungry for the social change needed to end the "working mom vs stay at home mom" debate once and for all.

This is a must read for anyone interested in the zeitgeist of modern motherhood.

Katie Allison Granju
Author, "Attachment Parenting"
www.katieallisongranju.com

Skip "Perfect Madness" and read this instead. Peskowitz has researched her topic thoroughly, and it shows in this thoughtful, important book. After reading this book and "Perfect Madness," I was puzzled that "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars" has received comparatively little media attention. Unlike Warner, Peskowitz analyzes how cultural attitudes about parenting and the ideal worker affect mothers in all socioeconomic classes - and she does so with style and grace.

In this book, Peskowitz examines the supposed war between working moms and sat-at-home moms and concludes that it's a war perpetuated by the media rather than an actual one. She then explores the nature of work in America and argues that most moms lack real choice in their working decisions.

She provides examples of stay-at-home moms who would like to work part-time but cannot find work worth their time. She shares the stories of other moms who want to stay home with their kids but simply cannot afford it. Comparing America to 170 other countries, she concludes that America is far behind in valuing the work that mothers do every day in raising their children and that the country needs to begin valuing this work.

She also shows that this difficulty goes beyond class lines. While women in higher-powered jobs may have more choice, they, too, have to fight for flexible working conditions and often "opt out" of the workforce because no suitable choices exist for them.

This book is easy to read and is well researched. In debunking the existence of the mommy wars, Peskowitz urges *all* moms to stand together in order to start making change happen in this country.

This well-researched book will be a godsend to new mothers trying to make sense of the social conflicts clouding motherhood today. It works to unite, rather than divide, mothers of various lifestyles. I do have to say, however, that I don't totally agree with the premise that "the media" invented the so-called mommy wars -- and that they really don't exist. As a mother who had a child in the 1980s (and who came of age in the 1970s), I can vouch for the fact that there was serious friction (and considerable backbiting) between moms who worked and moms who didn't. Long before Dr. Phil and Martha Stewart, women were arguing about these issues on porches, in offices, and in backyards. The term "mommy wars" is just another name for the debate.

Call it something else; call it what you want ... it's time to end the conflict, roll up our sleeves, and to unite as we work toward social improvements for all families. This book is a wonderful beginning for the new dialogue.

The author offers an enlightening and readable mix of solid academic research, personal experience, and feminist manifesto. She rejects the Mommy Wars as a media invention designed to sell insecure mothers more stuff, and suggests that our society needs to make changes that reflect a real commitment to the work of parenting: offer more high-quality part-time work, more gender parity in childrearing, and more awareness that the "choices" parents make are limited by economic and social pressures. An excellent book.

Beyond the Mommy Wars is one of those rare books that genuinely deserves a wide readership. It is lucid, moving, and provocative. Peskowitz weaves together stories of individual parents (moms and dads) and challenges the sloppy thinking in most of the recent books and articles about mothering. A must read!

In this spring full of "Madness", Miriam Peskowitz brings much needed sanity to a thinking woman's discussion of motherhood. "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars" is full of intelligence and compassion. Peskowitz did thorough research and interviewed a wide variety of women to paint a complete portrait of modern-day American motherhood with all its problems and joys. I especially appreciated her discussion of the sociology of motherhood, and the related issues of politics and the future direction of feminism.

A really good, thoughtful, well-written book. I don't know why it hasn't been reviewed anywhere in the mainstream media, when Judith Warner's book (which I haven't read yet, so no comparisons) is all over the place.

Peskowitz looks at SAH moms, moms who work PT, and WOH moms, and every permutation of work/childcare and "sequencing" you can imagine. She examines the stereotypes, politcal manipulation, media & marketing, and what women (and some men) really do, and how women's "personal choices" (as in "opting out") may actually be better described as being "squeezed out" by culture, companies, and just the time crunch that being a parent entails. She looks at feminism's role in this and in motherhood.

This book was a huge breath of common sense. Peskowitz doesn't rant, she doesn't tell gut-wrenching personal stories (or especially hilarious ones), and she doesn't over-simplify the issues. Maybe that's why it hasn't been a big hit? It's too reasonable? I don't know.

One thing lacking: an index. There are good footnotes, and you can tell that her statements are backed up by fact (and you can check the facts yourself via the footnotes), but an index would help you when you think, hmm, what did she say about FMLA (the Family Medical Leave Act)? What chapter was that in again?

Here's one of my favorite quotes: "With the kids interrupting and needing attention, who can finish a setence, let along organize a piece of a revolution?" (p. 173).

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE MOMMY WARS is an important contribution to the discussion of the conflicts that often define the lives of contemporary women. As a mother myself, I've been interested in the question of what comes next...after the angst, anger, isolation, and despair that so often define our lives as mothers of young children. I've been reading several of the women's anthologies that are out, and I can recommend many of them, including KISS TOMORROW HELLO: NOTES FROM THE MIDLIFE UNDERGROUND BY TWENTY-FIVE WOMEN OVER FORTY. What I love about this anthology is the sense of boldness and determination that defines the lives of "boomer" women--some who are attempting to conceive, other who are discovering that they are grandmothers. This is a good book if you are interested in discovering what happens "after the war."