The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It (Hardcover)

by M. Gary Neuman (Author)
Key Phrases: truth about cheating, cheating men, emotional dissatisfaction, Inner Voice Recognition Formula, Strongly Strongly Agree Disagree Agree Disagree, Sexual Dissatisfaction (more...)

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Book Description

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won't stray? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat?

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, The Truth About Cheating presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays.

Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, The Truth About Cheating includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.

Amazon Exclusive: A Letter to Readers from the Author
M. Gary Neuman is a Florida psychotherapist, rabbi, creator of the internationally recognized Sandcastles Programs for children of divorce, and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Marriage. His work has received national media coverage including multiple appearances on Oprah, the Today Show, the View, and NPR, as well as appearances on Dateline, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America. He has been written about in numerous publications including People, Time, Cosmo, Parents, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald and elsewhere. Gary lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida.



Dear Reader,

I am very excited to share this book with you. The Truth about Cheating can be read by everyone, including people who may not be really concerned about their own personal situations but who want the knowledge and stories that the study provides. After more than 20 years as a marriage counselor, I've seen firsthand the overwhelming pain that cheating causes spouses and their families. When I searched for answers about why men cheat and found none, I decided that I would do a study to investigate the issue. For three years I worked on my research to find the truth about cheating and the results were astounding.

This book is about one thing and one thing only—empowering women. Men and women always want to know what the other sex is thinking. After reading this book you'll know the answers and this knowledge will not just reduce the odds of your husband cheating but more importantly will help you create a marriage that is mutually beneficial. Your husband will start listening and giving to you more than ever once you have a better understanding of him and his emotional needs.

It's astounding how much women are made to feel that they must be everything to and do everything for their men or else they'll stray. False. Only 12% of the cheating men in my study said the other woman was better looking than their wives. And only 8% said that sexual dissatisfaction was the primary issue at home when he cheated. Throw out your assumptions and everything you've been told and search with me for the truth in this book. In The Truth about Cheating, we’ll discuss the many things you can do to make your life and marriage better than ever.

You'll also hear the fascinating stories that women shared with me as part of my research and I hope the work they did to better their lives and marriages will inspire you as it did me. You will discover that although you are not to blame, and never responsible for your husbands' cheating, and not responsible for fixing the problem, there are clear, concise methods to create a connection in your marriage that will prevent tragedy from happening and will give you renewed confidence in your relationship.

I hope my research and work will begin a discussion of what all of us can do to have more meaningful marriages. Please let me know your thoughts and insights and also what you'd like to know from women who cheated—that's the next part of my research and this national conversation. Women today have choices and options and this book is meant to give more information and to respectfully begin the discussion about what people say about their cheating and what all of us can do to prevent it.

Thank you for honoring me with your interest in my work.

6 Warning Signs of Marital Infidelity

1. He spends more time away from home.
Most cheating men surveyed said that more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to or already involved in infidelity. Although you can’t keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, not just during work hours.

2. You have sex infrequently.
Only 43 percent of men surveyed said that frequency of sex with their wives decreased once the infidelity began. Why such a small number? Because in many struggling marriages at high risk for infidelity, couples only have sex about once every couple of months.

3. He avoids contact with you.
The contact you have with your husband, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether or not he is conscious of it.

4. He criticizes you more.
Often, cheating men will criticize their wives seemingly out of the blue. If you notice your husband criticizing you for things he used to find amusing, keep your eyes open for other signs.

5. He starts more fights with you.
The criticism mentioned above often leads to more fights. If your marriage becomes increasingly contentious, you may be at risk for infidelity.

6. He mentions another woman, a female "friend," in casual conversation.
Most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex. When your husband begins to talk about a woman at the office he really admires, he may be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face.

---

From Publishers Weekly
Neuman (Emotional Infidelity) attempts to arm wives with the tools to prevent their husbands from cheating by drawing upon questionnaires and interviews with 100 men who reported sexual affairs. According to the author's research, sexual dissatisfaction within their marriages rated fourth and emotional dissatisfaction first as reasons given for straying. Neuman notes that only 12% of cheating men said that the mistress was more physically attractive than their wives, thereby reinforcing findings that men were missing an emotional connection in their marriages (whether this is intended to serve as comfort to their wives is unclear). Neuman introduces The Innervoice Recognition Formula and Quick Action Program, challenging women to revise assumptions about marriage, make immediate behavioral changes and forge new bonds with their husbands, thereby deterring future dalliances. While some wives might find this book helpful, it is perhaps more likely that readers will wish that the author had devoted more time to holding the cheating husband responsible for his actions rather than putting the onus on wives to take preventive—and dubiously effective—measures. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 240 pages
• Publisher: Wiley (August 25, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0470114630
• ISBN-13: 978-0470114636
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.3 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #28,733 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

67 of 76 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Catering to a good marriage?, September 12, 2008

By	John Zxerce "[e-mail]" (Colorado ^^^) - See all my reviews (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)

For 'The Truth About Cheating', Neuman interviewed large numbers of men - both those who had cheated and who had not. His findings? Men blame being under-appreciated by their wives and thereby being 'emotional disconnected'. Even Neuman admits that sounds like whining and yet he moves ahead and works on that premise in order to tell women what to do to make their man feel appreciated.

In order to overcome their marital deficiencies Neuman claims he is helping wives by telling them to... always forgive him; give him sex on demand; lavish praise on him for providing for the family, rarely let him out on his own with friends or work colleagues; and take an interest in his hobbies.

The difficulty is, when does this become an act and when is it real? Is this approach manipulation? Does it put too much pressure on the wife?

Neuman writes nothing about developing a moral foundation of trust in your marriage. That is, what keeps a person from disregarding their vows to begin with? What fuels a healthy commitment to the other person whether it's easy or not? Those are the bedrock questions that Nueman forgets.

As a result, it may feel the author's advice ends up sacrificing the wife's needs and desires as they defer to their partner's needs. This might look like love, but it too easily devolves to pandering.

Neuman claims his work is dedicated to helping wives learn and change in ways that will significantly benefit both them and their husbands. That's a worthy undertaking when it's done together, mutually and out of a choice to care for the other person more than one's self. However, when it's done out of fear, or obligation, or desperation it can too easily devolve to something akin to slavery. That's what Nueman seems to miss.

The real questions are, how do women develop and grow in genuine love for their husbands? Where does a heart-felt love come from? How does a wife choose to respect her husband and not just go through the motions? Ultimately, that's a question much deeper that this book addresses - it's a spiritual question.

30 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars This is an Intriguing Book, September 14, 2008

By	Jo Ana Starr "Mind-Body-Spirit" (USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This is an intriguing book with an interesting title that provides one perspective on the issue of cheating. If all men cheated for the same reasons, then a lot more women would have figured out how to deal with it by now. Since every man is different, it's possible that every man views marriage and the marriage vows a little differently, and thus may stray from his marriage for different reasons than every other man.

I agree that a loving, nurturing wife is an asset in any marriage, but I also know from firsthand experience, that being an attentive, nurturing, loving wife focused on her husband's happiness, does not a faithful husband make.

While I feel that this book makes some valid specific suggestions on how a wife can support her husband emotionally which is always good, I feel that being a supportive loving wife does not assure a faithful husband. In addition, I strongly disagree that a wife has the right to keep her husband from socializing on his own with male friends, one of the suggestions in the book. Unless your husband is 12, I think he has the right to socialize with whomever he chooses.

People who genuinely love each other prefer each other's company, so genuinely nurturing that love and friendship seems like the best way to assure that the love will continue. And like another reviewer, I feel that 2 emotionally mature people who love each other have the best chance for enjoying a successful, happy marriage.

I truly appreciated the author's male point of view and his suggestions, some of which I thought were great, but I question the basic premise of this book that there is a formula or a series of behavioral patterns a wife can adopt to keep her husband faithful.

11 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Wrong Target, February 23, 2009

By	Elisabeth - See all my reviews

Author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated on their wives. The husbands faulted their wives claiming their wives didn't meet their sexual and emotional needs...they felt there was no other choice but to get a mistress to meet those needs.
At first, the author says women should not be blamed for their husband's infidelity and are not responsible for his actions...but then spends the entire book telling women to fix his problem by making sure they meet his needs from now on so he won't have to cheat on her. But if she's not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it?

This is a case of actions speaking louder than words...revealing the author's true feelings about male infidelity. His solution is basically for wives to act more like the less complicated, less demanding, and totally accommodating mistresses these men are sneaking off to. The logic being that once she starts acting more like a mistress rather than a wife, then just like that...she'll have successfully "affair-proofed" her marriage and will have transformed a self-absorbed man into a considerate man who'd never cheat on her.

But an obvious point missing here is that these men had other choices available. If these husbands weren't getting enough sexual and emotional attention, it certainly EXPLAINS why they were unhappy in their marriage and why they would be drawn to women who supplied these things on demand...but it doesn't EXCUSE his cheating. Both the husbands and this author act as if their suffering was so great they had no other choice but to have an affair, but they DID have choices. They could've:

1 -- Assertively asked their wives to meet their needs
I understand men have their pride...asking a woman for help can be embarrassing for them, especially asking for something like more compliments. But his wife is not a mind reader. If he wants his needs met, he will need to vocalize them. Maybe he feels they shouldn't have to be vocalized, but that's a false assumption. What may be important to him may not be a big deal for her...so if it's missing in the marriage, it won't be made a priority unless HE speaks up. If he approaches her in an assertive way that neither aggressively demands compliance nor passively hints at compliance via a guilt trip...then he increases his chances that his needs will be met.

2 -- Ask for a divorce
These husbands claimed that they tried everything they could to make their marriages work, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't win. Well, if the situation were truly that hopeless, if he assertively asked his wife to address his needs, but she coldly refused to, then why was he still sticking around for that kind of abuse? Why string along someone you neither love nor feel loved by? But I also question just how hard these men really tried. These men came across as pretty passive and quick to throw in the towel. And then they went out in public behaving like single, unattached men. So, if they're going to BEHAVE like single, unattached men, then they should BE single, unattached men.

3 -- Ask for a separation
If these men were unhappy, but unclear as to whether they should stay or go, they could've asked for a separation to clear their head. There would also be a clear understanding that they are both free to see other people during this time. This way, he can experience if the grass is really greener on the other side being with this woman without betraying his wife in the process.

4 -- Ask for an open marriage
If he doesn't want to divorce because it's too expensive or he wants to see his kids everyday, then he can opt for an open marriage where they're each free to live together, but lead separate lives. He's already doing that, but this way, she has the opportunity to as well, so as not to be sexist. I have a feeling these men don't opt for that because while they are comfortable allowing another woman to caress their naked body, they would be furious if another man were allowed to caress his wife's naked body. His wife may not go along and if that's the case, he could either respect her decision by sending signals to the potential mistress that an affair is not going to happen or ask for a divorce/separation. But chances are, if he's asking for an open marriage, his wife will be curious to know why and that could possibly lead to the first honest conversation they've ever had about his unmet needs.

So, unless his mistress put a gun to his head or his father pulled a Freaky Friday by stepping into his body and making him have sex with another woman, he had a choice in the matter. He may claim he was overcome with emotion and couldn't help himself, but I'm sure there have been times where he has been so angry he could murder someone, but he controlled that impulse to do so despite how pleasurable it would feel at the time. He may also site a broken marriage, but just like there are kids from broken homes who choose to rise above the situation, there are also people in broken marriages who choose to rise above that situation, so that is not an excuse either. Remember, there's a faithful spouse in this equation. If he was unhappy in the marriage, chances are good his wife was, too...and yet she chose not to cheat. He could've chosen not to cheat, too. Because he DID choose to cheat, he is 100% responsible and accountable for his decisions.

The second blatantly obvious point missing in this book has to do with character. Character is who you are when no one is looking. If when his wife is not looking, he's breaking the mutually agreed upon rules of the monogamous contract, then what does that say about his character? These men all said they would never confess to their affairs, not even if asked outright, and my guess is it's because they wouldn't want their wives probing too deeply into their character. The author doesn't want wives probing too deeply into their character either. Like a magician using misdirection or the Wizard of Oz telling everyone not to look at the man behind the curtain, the author focuses women on their own character instead of his. If she did focus on his character, she'd realize that it's not her actions that caused his affairs, but his mindset.

The author does try to redeem these men's character by claiming they feel guilty about their affairs, but the stories he provided didn't support that claim. For instance, one man described in detail how he invented business trips in order to get away with cheating. The way he described it sounded like a man bragging how he pulled one over on his wife. When the author asked him if he felt guilty about that, the man replied, "I guess you feel guilty." You guess??

See, I think these men claimed to feel guilty because they sensed that's what the author wanted to hear. After all, these men couldn't successfully pull off an affair if they weren't adept at lying.

Instead of feeling guilty, it seemed instead that these men felt entitled to have an affair...and you can't feel both guilty about something and entitled at the same time. The feeling seemed to be that since their wives weren't playing nice, they weren't going to play nice. Tit for tat -- though an affair is a far worse punishment than anything she could dish out. These men sounded like little boys who get in trouble for pulling their sister's hair saying, "Well, she started it!" Instead of challenging these men's immature coping skills, the author indulges their self-pity by taking sides and basically agreeing, that yeah, she did start it and she needs to stop if if she wants him to stop it.

Another case of self-pity is a man who thought it was ridiculous that his wife didn't catch on to his affairs. He would tell her he was going to play golf even though he didn't own golf clubs and was annoyed that his wife didn't catch on. I guess it never occured to him (because he was so wrapped up in his own self-pity) that the reason his wife didn't suspect anything was because she had total faith and trust in him that he would never cheat on her behind her back. And I guess it also never occured to him that since trust is something that should be earned, that trust he gained from his wife was trust he hadn't earned. And this is the type of guy the author wants women to knock themselves out trying to keep in their life?

Earlier I said a man could control his urge to cheat the same way he can control his urge to murder, but he can only if his conscience is stronger than his urges. If he has a strong conscience, then he won't cheat not even if he has both motive and opportunity. It would be like trying to get intimate with someone covered in urine. No matter how emotionally and/or sexually attracted, that smell (his conscience) would kill the mood. But if that smell is weak, then forget it. You could follow all the steps in this book and he will still cheat because a man with a weak conscience will always search for and successfully find a good enough excuse to bend the rules in his favor. And a woman cannot take on the impossible task of being his conscience for him.

A slippery conscience will certainly lead a man to stray, but so too will slippery boundaries. Despite what other's say, I don't believe affairs "just happen". Boundaries don't get crossed without an invitation. Trying to seduce a married man is a very bold move. Without the green light from him, a mistress would grow bored of the chase or be too embarrassed to continue. Another way to tell that affairs don't start innocently would be to ask the cheating husband if he would've treated this new woman in exactly the same manner as he would if his wife were standing by his side the entire he was getting to know her. If his answer is No, then that proves that he was behaving in ways that guaranteed the affair would happen.

A man's conscience and his boundary limits are all things that a woman cannot control, yet how strong or weak these are will determine whether an affair will happen or not. The only person who has control over whether a man cheats or not then is the man himself. So by focusing all the attention women's behavior in this book, doesn't that seem like the author is aiming at the wrong target?

If a man carries with him a weak conscience and weak boundary limits coupled with a narcissistic sense of entitlement and a victim mentality, then it's not accurate to say that his wife is the one who caused his affair to happen. He was an affair just waiting to happen.

But I understand how women in particular could be vulnerable in thinking otherwise. I mean, what woman alive hasn't tried to change a man? What woman hasn't been guilty of excusing bad behavior thinking he's just misunderstood and just needs the love of a good woman and of course, she is the angel sent from above to come and save this man from himself? It's very flattering to the ego to think this way...but it's also delusional. If a man is going to change his mindset, it's because his mindset no longer works for HIM and because he wants to change badly enough. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. We hear that a million times, yet it doesn't seem to stick which is why books like this are in existence in the first place.

Women are also guilty of "if only" thinking. If only she acted in more loving ways, then he wouldn't act in unloving ways. This thinking starts in childhood when a child thinks "if only" they hadn't been such a bad kid, then their parents wouldn't drink so heavily, wouldn't hit them, wouldn't have abandoned them, etc... But by doing so, they take away the responsiblity from him and carry in on their shoulders which will not help either of them. Imagine you knew a woman whose husband just hit her. Would you tell her that if only she had shown him more love, he wouldn't have been reduced to having to hit her? Would you tell her that all she needs to do is follow the instructions in this book and he will never hit her again? Would that message "empower" her...or give her a false sense of security?

The problem I had with the solutions offered in this book is not that men shouldn't get their needs met. The needs they mentioned (wanting more attention, admiration, affection, etc...) are all legitimate needs. And if you love someone, you should want to please them. My problem is that some of these solutions ask a woman to act like her husband's mommy. For example, the author tells women they need to keep their husbands away from any friends they have that are cheaters. Like a good mommy, she needs to choose his friends for him since these men claimed they wouldn't have had an affair had it not been for the influence of their cheating friends. Are you really surprised they would blame their friends for their actions? First their wives, now their friends.... One man said he went out dancing with other women only because his friend insisted on it. So am I to believe he tried his hardest to fight off his friend or am I to believe he couldn't say No because he didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings? What if his friend suggested they go swimming with sharks, would he have gone because the poor guy just can't say No to his friends so his wife will have to be there to intervene?

The problem with that logic can be summed up in the saying, "Birds of a feather flock together". These men chose these friends for a reason. If their friends' cheating ways bothered their conscience so much, they would've ditched those friends long ago and his wife's interference would be unnecessary. Another point that's ironic is that the author also advises women to have more sex with their husbands and to show more respect. But how she feel sexual towards someone she's also treating like a son? How can she have respect for someone she's also treating like an unruly 2-year old?

My fear is that because of this book, woman are going to become paranoid everytime they get into an unsettled argument with their husband or deny his sexual advances or basically not love him in the exact way he wants her to thinking, oh no, now he's going to sneak around behind her back and it'll be her fault. Discovering an affair is a traumatic event for someone, but to add a guilt trip on top of that saying if only she had loved him better, this never would've happened, is just cruel. That's mental abuse. And that's why I've given this the lowest rating possible.

My other fear is that men reading this will also join in on the shame blame game. After all, he's not going to want to see himself as a failure, so he'll project his shame onto his wife so the shame can be carried on her shoulders instead of on his. He'll blame in order to feel justified in betraying her trust in him and to also avoid any negative consequences that would result in doing so. And with a rabbi backing him up, it will work! But blaming, while it'll make him feel better in the short term, will not lead to personal growth in the long term. By holding other people responsible for his happiness, he strips away his own power and will remain stuck.

I think a better book would be not only challenge men's passive-aggressive responses to stress, but to also teach them how to assertively deal with their issues head on. This book does the opposite -- indulge his childish responses and then have women acting like mommies trying to anticipate when their unruly child-like husbands might get into trouble and then stepping in and taking over their lives. Personal growth won't happen that way. And neither one of them will win.