Customer Reviews

Try and Make Me!: A Revolutionary Program for Raising Your Defiant Child Without Losing Your Cool

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This is a truly wonderful book for anyone with kids. Unlike so many of the other books on child-raising, this one provides more than just a one-size-fits-all approach. It has a variety of techniques for improving the behavior of your child, and most importantly, it not only tells you what to do, but how to do it and why it works. It goes way beyond the usual time-outs and consequences pablum and suggests all sorts of other techniques. It also tells you what not to do, and why it won't work.

Another way this book departs from the crowd is by looking at the parent. It's not always your kid's fault, and this book explains -- gently -- what you, as a parent, might be doing to provoke or exacerbate some of the unwelcomed behavior. For the first time, I realized why time-outs and other techiques work for some parents, and not for others.

As the mother of two kids, ages 4 and 6, I'd recommend this for everyone.

Parents who are experiencing difficulty in dealing with "defiant" children who lack the motivation to behave and "inflexible" children who lack the skills, can find much help here! This book is incisive, personal, interesting and practical. It gives hope and you are encouraged to "Never, Ever Give Up".

Key ideas are summarised in "Behavior Basics", usually with sub-headings, at the end of most of the 24 chapters. E.g. "Three Parenting Styles Likely to Produce or Aggravate Defiance. 1. Defiant parents. These people micromanage and come down too hard on kids. Making every issue a control issue is bound to create more opposition and defiance. 2. Peacemaker parents. For varying reasons, these parents will cough up money or stretch themselves to their outer limits-all to avoid conflict. 3. Apprehensive parents. ¡Kthese parents don't provide their kids with appropriate discipline and en up parenting out of fear." (p.21) If you first look through all these succinct summaries you get a good idea of the book already.

Interesting metaphors often convey the points well. Is our child like a horse, positively motivated and cooperative, or a camel, that sometimes has to be prodded (light a fire under the tail!)? Does he have "garlic problems" that he bothers others without self-awreness or "bean problems" that he is aware of causing?

The authors advocate a blending of both positive and negative motivations to prepare our children for the real world. They debunk myths about parenting ("Nothing works with these kids", "It's all biochemical"¡K). Praise doesn't work. But acknowledgements--statements that help the child figure out who he is, are a way of showing appreciation without value judgment. They are useful. Just give specific description of the behavior noticed. Also distinguish between consequences (asked to clean the room again) and punishment (grounding the child from TV for not cleaning the room). Consequences teach the child.

Look through "Brain-Dead Phrases You Can Use" (pp. 70-71) or "Scripts for Shutting Down Arguments" (pp.208-9). Short and simple replies like, "Could be", "Good try", "Sorry you feel that way¡K" can diffuse many unnecessary explosions. This is a practical book for parents, and teachers too. Those who like the book, may find it valuable to also study O'Hanlon's "Do One Thing Different" and "A Guide to Possibility Land".

This book captured my interest immediately. The "behavior basics" are easy to understand and the practical ideas in this book can be implemented across all settings (home, school and community). I work with children in a local district. These children have a variety of behavior disorders and range in age from 4 to 17 years of age. This little book has had a big impact on these children in that behaviors are improving both at school and at home. I would recommend this book for any person that is working with and/or raising children. I carry several copies of this book with me at all times and when a parent and/or teacher asks me for ideas on how to help a child, I pull this book out and show it to them. In the past 2 years, I have encouraged hundreds of adults to read this book and to try at least one of the techniques in the book. I have always received positive feedback especially in regards to the "practice academy". The best part of this book is that it provides hope for even the most challenging child. I have personally witnessed positive behavioral "transformations" using Dr. Levy's techniques. This book is a "win-win" for parents, teachers and most of the all the children!

Reviewers who are agast at the contents of this book must have nice, compliant kids; they must not be able to understand what it's like to be constantly at battle every minute of the day. I can relate wholeheartedly with the situations and examples provided in this book. Despite what a couple of the reviews claim, this book is not about abusing your children. In fact, there are several sections that give techniques on how to be more attentive, positive, and involved with your children. My child has been controlling the house for years and every bit of the book's description of the behaviors and motivators of defiant children fit perfectly. Many of the ideas in the book are similar to "Love and Logic" concepts, but this book expands on them. For example, it expands the concept of logical consequences by breaking them down into three well-defined categories and gives practical ideas for coming up with consequences when you just can't think of an appropriate one. With "Try and Make Me!", I have finally begun to take back control without yelling, screaming, arguing, or punishing. Boy was my kid surprised.

As a general pediatrician in suburban Dallas, parents not infrequently ask me to suggest a book that will help them gain control over their defiant child. I am happy to say that I have discovered an answer to their struggles. Ray Levy's book is an easy read and is full of practical suggestions for surviving parenthood under the challenges of life with a defiant child. The writing style is informal and anecdotal with many humorous examples with which any parent can readily relate. I have three beautiful children, none of whom I would describe as defiant, and I still find some of the techniques in the book to be useful in my own home. I have ordered 4 additional copies of the book so that I can place one in each of my exam rooms for parents to peruse. I hope you find this book as useful as I have.

Not really ground breaking, but a refreshingly readable and user friendly book, clearly written for parents. The book is written in an unpretentious manner and acknowledges that not all discipline methods work the same with all children. Many proven techniques are explained with the emphasis on developing a childs personal skills, shutting down negative behaviour, and maintainng parental authority.
Clever (and often humorously unrelated to parenting) analogies made the authors points clear to understand in a lighthearted way.
The book explains why paising and charts/rewards systems are so ineffective with defiant children. Also provided are many helpful scripts and phrases that are useful in shutting down arguing and badgering.
I liked how it is stressed to use empathy and sadness when using consequences (as opposed to anger) making them much more effective. One problem I had though, was that most of the consequences described seemed to involve forcing the child to do something. With non-compliance it is sometimes easier to take something away than to try and force an un-cooperative child to accomplish something.
The book also reminds parents that even the best discipline methods are completely ineffective without first building a strong relationship with your child.
Some other good books with similar philosophies are: "The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids", Setting Limits" by Robert J MacKenzie, and "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child".

"Try and Make Me" is an excellent and very encouraging book, well worth reading.

What a great gift to parents everywhere! Easily readable, written in language and with examples that anyone can understand and put to immediate use. I am so glad that someone suggested that I read this book. As to the reader from Connecticut--yes, they obviously missed something if they read this book and all they took away from it was "same-o, same-o" with a focus on time-out, rewards and punishment--the authors can't be blamed if someone doesn't get it!

I found this book very clear and easy to follow with real advice for parents that can be implemented quickly without training and difficult components. It made sense and helped with behavior that is puzzling and resistant to other methods - especially helpful to the understanding of why the "usual" methods may not be working. Everyone should know that this is very useful for preteens and teens - don't pay attention to a blurb on the cover which says for toddlers to 12 years old - many examples and tips for preteens and teens. Also Dr. Levy gives seminars in various cities and is very entertaining and informative - if you get a chance go to one.

What a gift Dr. Levy has given! If this book had been written when I was parenting and teaching, I could have done a much better job. It offers a wonderful, new approach to handling children. All we ever knew was reward, threaten, punish. Dr. Levy offers something much better. How fortunate the young parents of today have access to this superb guidance. If you are a parent or a teacher, rush to buy it. You will be glad you did!

We have a child that has nearly driven us crazy. My husband I have tried many tactics only to find them fail, and the disturbance in our home was only getting worse. Finaly, we stumbled upon this book. Our lives have changed. We would strongly recomend this book. It is for toddlers to teen. It is written in a very easy to read format, with wonderful examples to help you understand why these tools work. Taking away privlages from our son did not motivate him to change. When we began using the Acadamies to motivate our sons changes, it worked. As we continue to use the other ideas expressed in this book, we are continuing to have success with our son.