Customer Reviews

Try to See it My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage

5 star:		(16)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Definitely five stars! As a psychologist and therapist for many years myself, I heartily recommend Try to See It My Way to couples, and also to clinicians. This is a wise practical guide from a skilled teacher and clinician. The language is accessible, the examples illuminating and the exercises useful.
Most importantly, here is a roadmap that teaches couples how to tap a core resource between them: negotiating fairness. Until now, that terrain has been underexplored in the 'couple' literature.
Bottomline: This is a truly valuable book for couples who really want things to be better, and a much needed contribution to the field of couple therapy.

Try to See It My Way is a wonderful addition to the field of couples therapy. I wish this book would have been available 30 years ago when I started seeing clients. It takes a gifted clinician/theoretician to take a theory and make it accessible to the public. Dr. Hibbs has provided such a cogent and deceptively simple rendering of contextual family therapy to clinicians and ordinary couples. I think this book ranks along side of those of Harville Hendrix and Virginia Satir in that respect.
Well written and conceptually sound it is enjoyable to read and extraordinarily useful, both for the couples who are healthy enough to make use of the concepts as well as to those who are locked in destructive relationships and don't know when to quit. I believe this book will help them with the difficult question of knowing when it is alright to give up.
Dr. Hibbs offers a map through the "minefield of fairness issues". "Entitlement" has developed a bad rap, usually seen as an unhealthy demand, but Dr. Hibbs explains legitimate entitlements, and the consequences of those who ask for too little or who take too much in a relationship. She describes how such patterns develop, encouraging couples to look at their families of origin and realistically assess the good and the bad that they have inherited from their parents. Finally she presents a toolkit to use to change the unhealthy patterns.
This book is written with tenderness and compassion. The many examples and the limited and very appropriate self disclosure all combine to form a sense of trust between the author and the reader, that probably mirrors what Dr. Hibbs clients are fortunate to experience.
I have recommended this book to many clients already. It is one that I would consider offering for sale on the spot if I did such things, but I don't!
Finally, I look forward to a sequel - written for those who are not in relationships but are searching for the "right" partner, or applying the theory beyond marriage to other relationships.

As a marriage and family therapist for the past 25 years, this is the book I wish I had written. I have already recommended it to every couple I treat. Fairness, not love or sex, is at the core of sustainable relationship. Dr. Hibbs explains this fact, shows how partners unknowingly acquire models of fairness from their own families and impose those models on each other. The author goes on to describe typical fairness traps and how to get out of them. Her clear, accessible discussion is replete with clinical examples that anyone can relate to. The book includes questionnaires and exercises to help the reader explore his or her own model of fairness and fairness traps (blind spots for participating in unfair relating). Caring parents should give this as a gift to their engaged children! Highly recommended.

I loved this book! Although I've been married 25 years, I'd never thought about my marriage (and other relationships) in this way. The combination of "theory" and real-life examples helped me see how these ideas apply to me. Not only do I see things in my marriage differently, I also understand better how my parents' marriage and my childhood have contributed to my sense of what's fair and what's not. A few of the case studies presented really hit home -- leading to some great "aha!" moments. I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to partners seeking a new way to negotiate differences and a better understanding of where each person is coming from. I've asked my husband to read this book, but even if he doesn't, the insights I've gained on my own are very worthwhile.

In clear precise language the author speaks to the relationship that lies between individuals , with a focus on issues of fairness, loyalty, and entitlement. Dr,. Hibbs succeeds in making some difficult concepts accessible to the lay reader.

I wish I had this excellent book when I began my family therapy practice 30 years ago.

Try To See It My Way provides a much needed resource to the couple therapy literature, for both therapist and lay reader. This book provides examples one can relate to, and encourages you to explore your own way of relating. It also inspires you to reach for fairer exchange with those you love, and illustrates how this can profoundly impact your relationships. This is a must read!

Thank you to Dr. Hibbs for writing this book. It is thorough and multi-layered, but very understandable, written with a clear voice and terrific examples. Often books can be too complicated for the non-professional, but this is not the case here. Dr. Hibbs simplifies the otherwise complex so her advice is available to everyone.

This book rooted in fairness issues gave me a fresh and different perspective on my marriage. I recognized the book's couples stories saying over and over (sometimes aloud)"they are us!". Still, the focus on seeking fairness as opposed to winning or losing in relationships, gave me a new and more hopeful view that things really can go differently. Re-read many of the passages to remind myself of the many practical/easy to incorporate lessons. Was also able to integrate my family history and understand my prior notion of relationships and how they should look and work. My wife has read Try To See It My Way and I have also given it to a number of family members. May seem odd but when asked how things got so much better for us, it seemed only fair to give credit,with attribution,to B Janet Hibbs. It is my reference guide for relationship enhancement. I am gratetful to a dear friend for turning me on to the book last summer.

I just finished reading Try To See It My Way. First of all it is an engaging and easy to read exploration of fairness in relationships that illustrates a variety of typical patterns and conflicts and how they develop. The central importance of fairness, the damage caused by imbalances, and the healing potential of renegotiating to restore fairness are very clearly, even inspiringly, expressed. The book is also very practical, full of exercises to help people think about fairness in relationships and apply the ideas in the book to their own situations.

I am a psychologist and psychotherapist and have long been intrigued and puzzled by the theories of contextual family therapy originated by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, and truthfully I could never understand it before. This book seems to me to be a very clear translation of Nagy's ideas. I am finding them very provocative as I think about my own life and for the first time they make sense in a way that I can use in my own work with individuals and with couples.

As a Contextually-trained psychotherapist, I approached "Try To See It My Way" with eager anticipation and was thrilled. B.Hibbs has masterfully presented complex information in an accessible manner. Her tone to the reader is gentle and encouraging. She first explains relational dynamics which Contextual Theory identified and seeks to address. Then, using case examples, she explains how inherited family dynamics about fairness play out in coupled relationships. This book will be a welcome companion to individuals who wish to unravel the complex loyalty dynamics underpinning our most intense and mystifying responses to intimate partners. It will prove useful to couples at the brink of commitment, and to couples who have coasted for years and want to solve unaddressed issues. It is suitable for teachers, psychotherapists, clients, and self-helpers. Ann Tucker, Ph.D. Springhouse and Quakertown, Pa