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Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage: Reconciling Differences Over Judaism in Your Marriage

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When two people enter into an interfaith marriage, they know they will have to face issues relating to religious identity and observance, and that these issues will probably intensify with the birth of children. Couples entering within-faith marriages (Jewish-Jewish, Protestant-Protestant) don't expect religious differences to present a challenge because, "After all, we're both Jewish ( or Christian)" Azriela Jaffe reveals the considerable differences that often exist in Jewish marriages, be they cultural (Ashkenazi-Sephardic), denominational, degree of observance, or philosophical, and how these differences create conflict in child-rearing, and in daily living. Her emphasis is on how to resolve these differnces so that "shalom beit," "peace in the home", and loving communication result. This book uncovers every possible conflict that can arise from differences in style and degree of religiousity, beginning with the wedding customs, to Sabbath and holiday observance, religious education for the children, degree of adherence to kashrut (kosher practices), synagogue attendance (which one and how often), participation in Jewish organizations, and many other potential religious sources of conflict in the marriage. Her chapter on "Seven Principles for Positive Communication" charts the course for navigating this potential mine field successfully. She recognizes that there is no single solution to each problem, and suggests that couples need to work out their own unique solutions, choosing their own "path oflove and respect." Every Jewish couple can benefit from this book. As one who has dedicated 25 years to the field of Jewish pre-marital and marital education, I recommend this book as a must!

What is often overlooked is that there are almost as many ways to be Jewish as there are Jewish families. That because marriage and children bring otherwise dormant spiritual issues to the surface and that families on both sides of the aisle are pressuring the couple to be true to their heritage, the term "mixed marriage" is a very apt description, even when both husband and wife were born and raised within the Jewish faith. Azriela Jaffe writes with experience, wit, candor, and a gift for expression that readers will find informative, entertaining, thought-provoking, and oh-so-familiar! Two Jews Can Still Be A Mixed Marriage: Reconciling Differences Over Judaism In Your Marriage is highly recommended, exceptionally valued, eminently sensible, and wonderfully useful reading for Jewish couples aspiring to marriage, as well as husbands and wives trying to build a stronger relationship despite (or because of) the variations and differences in their understandings and practices of Jewish traditions.

This book deals with resolving cobflict in a Jewish marriage where one patner has a higher level of religious observance than the other. However, many of the strategies for resolving conflict can be applied to other, non religious, areas. For example, suppose having a kosher house, on a scale of 1 to 10, is a 10 for the husband while the wife's desire to be able to eat anything in the house is a 6. The house should be kosher. On the other hand, if the wife's desire to eat whatever she wants, when the couple goes out to dinner is a 10, then the compromise should be that the home is kosher but the husband does not pressure the wife to keep kosher outside. Wouldn't this strategy work for just about any conflict, religious or secular?

Sometimes the compromise might be to meet each other half way. For example, if the couple cannot agree on which synagogue to join, they might join a third one which each would be willing to join even if that synagogue is neither's first choice but is an acceptable second choice for both. Another possibility is from time to time, to attend both synagogues. The important thing is for each partner to have respect for the other's level of Judaism and to seek to work things out. The wrong thing to do is to become defensive and have an angry "Reform vs Orthodox" argument. This fine book shows how conflicts can be worked out.

As other reviews pointed out, most of the advice in this book was common sense- couples should try to accommodate each other's levels of observance where possible, figure out what's most important to them, not argue over basic issues of theological principle, etc. And I think the basic message of tolerance is a good one.

A few bits of the book might be grating to people who are a little more observant (or even a little more knowledgeable). For example, her chapter on synagogue attendance implies that couples will normally wish to pray together (and perhaps even that they should do so in order to avoid being social lepers). But this view completely overlooks one major purpose of prayer- not to connect to your spouse, but to connect to God. It logically follows that there is no reason to be with your spouse in synagogue - and in fact that doing so might be a huge distraction that makes your prayer less fulfilling. (Orthodox congregations limit this "distraction factor" by having men and women sit in separate sections of the synagogue- but non-Orthodox or "mixed" couples can achieve equally wholesome results by going to separate synagogues, or perhaps by sitting in separate parts of the same synagogue).

Also, a little historical perspective might have been nice. The author seemed to think that Jewish "mixed marrriages" are common only in this generation. But I recently read an article in Midstream (a Jewish magazine) asserting the opposite (that is, claiming that observant Jews are so walled off from non-observant Jews that such marriages are LESS common than 50 years ago). I have no idea who is right- but a better book might have utilized not just the experience of the current generation of adults, but of older couples who have lived through decades of theological incompatibility or of their children.

I providentially discovered this book while dating a man who was Jewish like myself, but nonobservant-- and I am Orthodox. The book was so helpful to me for the new way of thinking that it exposed me to. "We live in an age of a la carte Judaism", is the opening line, and powerful premise, of the book. For me, religious practice was always black and white, right or wrong. How narrow-minded is that, I quickly realized.

Although the book gives many examples of "mixed marriage" couples that are actively working through their differences, it is clear that matters of religion are a constant source of tension in all those marriages. So, along with the practical advice you can bring from the book into your own life, if you are not married yet you should carefully discuss and weigh the risks of entering into a marriage with such dark clouds hanging over it from the start.

this book is certainly for a very specific audience, but if you're part of that audience, it speaks to you in a very clear and engaging way. it's virtually impossible to think of another resource that addresses these special circumstances at all, let alone with the sympathetic and helpful tone of this book. the best part is that it offers fair, realistic solutions to complex and sensitive issues that had me stumped. i highly recommend it!

I am glad Azriela Jaffe took the time to write this book. I wish more books were written about the great challenges a man and woman face when they are both the same religion but one person is very observant and one is not. In the introduction the author states that the reader may not agree with 100% of the book, but there is great value in her techniques and suggestions regarding what can work and what will frustrate and cause no-win situations. Even though she openly shares her Orthodox life-style and opinions, she is non-judgemental and is open to the other paths that Jews choose to follow in the modern age. I would welcome a second book that deals with the journey of compromise that is necessary for an Intermarrige involving two Jews.

This is an important book for many Jewish couples. It is well researched and very well written. Even if there is no tension about religious practices in your home you will learn a lot!