Customer Reviews

The 9 Types of Lovers: Why We Love the People We Do and How They Make Us Crazy

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1 star:		(1)

 

 

This book was an "accidental," but certainly worthwhile, addition to my library. I say "accidental" because I saw "9 types of lovers" and jumped to the incorrect conclusion that this was an enneagram book. Whereas this certainly IS a personality type book, it has nothing to do with the enneagram.

Daphne Rose Kingma is a practicing psychoanalyst and also a prolific writer who specializes in love and relationships. This book draws on her 25+ years of experience in counseling couples and individuals, during which time she has concluded that people tend to fit into nine basic "love types," each with their own characteristics and idiosyncracies.

The majority of the book is dedicated to Kingma's detailed descriptions of each of the nine types of lovers. Each chapter starts with a section on how to identify a type; then covers the various "attraction" and "detraction" characteristics of that type. Next, we're offered a fairly thorough psychological explanation for how a person's history makes them fit into their type, identifying the specific "emotional wound" that affects their behavior pattern. I found these to be the most insightful and poignant parts of the book, with some very "on the money" ideas. Finally, each chapter has a section directed to the person actually of that type, with suggestions on how to better understand and manage their relationships.

The book is fun and easy to read, and mostly works as a tool to identify and understand each of the nine types. It does outline some very basic truths about How We Are, and I agree with the previous reviewer that it would be a good resource for someone stuck in a pattern of choosing the same kind of (unsuccessful) relationship, over and over. On the downside, I feel that very little time is given to the more practical aspects of how each type interacts with other types, "good" vs. "bad" combinations, the realities of finding the right type for you, and so on. And although Kingma uses a fairly upbeat tone, I did come away with the feeling that the popular psycho-buzz phrase "everyone is damaged" must *really* be true-- at least based on this book.

Final thoughts: Recommended, although not brilliant (7.5 bookmarks out of a possible 10). Does a nice job of teaching us about the different types, but is a little thin on how to APPLY that knowledge. As with most books of this genre, I'll also add the usual caveat that we shouldn't put TOO much emphasis on trying to "shoehorn" ourselves into specific "type" descriptions-- we ARE, after all, individuals.

I don't normally like books like this because I don't believe that you can truly seperate people into categories. Only 9 types for all the plethora of diversity in the world? And yet, when I picked up this book I could put it down. The author has captured some basic truths about people in America, how we act and why. If you're the type of person that seems to attract the same kind of mate over and over, this book will probably attract your interest.

Each lover type has its own chapter with standardized sections, so that no matter what type of lover you have or want, you can find out the information you need. The author gives us tell-tale signs for each type and yet provides us pretty convincing ways in which each type is different than everyone else (in case you aren't sure). There is a section on why we are attracted to that type, and why they drive us crazy, what's really going on psychologically, with a special emotional wound identified for each person. What we can learn from each type and what they need to improve on in themselves. Basically, all the secret questions we've ever asked ourselves about past lovers and maybe even family and friends are answered here.

I do have a few complaints, though. The catch phrase on the back of the book, "How to find the perfect lover... and keep them!", isn't sufficiently addressed (after reading the book, you won't think there is a "perfect" type out there). Only a small chapter discusses how different types deal with each other, and we don't learn the specific mechanics of how people attract the same type over and over, or how to break that cycle. Also, the book doesn't discuss how people tend to flex between types, and often act as a certain type with friends and are a different type with a lover. Finally, even though the author tries to write this book from an asexual point of view, as a man I found it to be specifically written for women. Nothing wrong with that, except that it reduced the book's effectiveness for me.

Any book with a number on the title usually connotes to me a book with a catchy marketing hook but little content. This one does have the catchy marketing hook, but the content is spot on. I found a great description of myself and my wife. I was able to classify many others as well.

I don't think this book should be confined to examining lovers, but applied rather to all people who we meet and seek to understand.

There are other books and systems that classify according to personality, but this one is different, as the author knows not just externalities, i.e. is he pushy, is she maudlin. The author, being a counselor, knows what deep down is actually driving these personality types. I prefer her system to Meyers-Briggs and the others.

It seems to me that all people have one real story in life, a central theme, and different manifestations keep playing variations on this central theme. The way we interact with others, with crowds, and especially lovers is based upon the central theme of our lives, which, of course, is from the first 5 or 6 years of our life.

So, if you are a pushy control type personality, there is a reason for this. She explains it. She also explains what these different personality types really crave. It is useful to us, so we can really know how to give others in our lives what they need.

The book is great. It is a quick read, you won't probably read it in order, rather, you might read it in order of the personality types that intrigue you.

I found the book to be a great addition to my library, and I have already recommended it to others.

Having trouble in your relationship? THIS book is the REASON why, not the solution. Kingma tells you things about people that you probably already knew and nothing that you couldn't figure out on your own. In addition, she further muddles things up by blaming everything on circumstances you can't control.

First, the 9 types of "lovers" (the word is too strong; this book is about 9 types of people, not lovers specifically, or even romantic partners) overlap and fail to cover all types of people. Second, the 9 personalities are all viewed in a negative way. Besides a short paragraph on "why we love attention seekers," the author focuses on all their flaws. Additionally, while she gives her (completely skewed) opinion on why people fall into this personality, she gives no advice on LIVING with someone who is like this. If you're in a relationship with someone and know them well enough, chances are, you already understand who they are and why they're that way; what you really need to know is how to keep from biting their head off.

What really bugged me is how she attributed EVERY personality type: it was your parents' fault. Probably, they never gave you enough attention. You never felt good enough. Or maybe, they were TOO concerned with your life. One or the other. Or maybe you had both, one in each parent. Or possibly your parents had this problem, too? Seriously, she attributes EVERY SINGLE personality type to parents. She plants a seed in the mind that should never be there: "Maybe it was all Dad's fault!" Look, life is life. Some people have bad childhoods. But you can overcome it. The problems you have now are quite possibly problems that you developed on your own, not because Mom was a drug addict who forgot to feed you. (Again, seriously.) Not only is this very stunting growth-wise, it's a psychological downward spiral that leads to the inability to accept that what YOU do in life makes a difference. After all, you'll never get away from what Dad did that one time...

Kingma so often gives examples of "my friend Dave," or "a woman I know, Holly," that I wondered if she was just making them up. I know she's a therapist, but I find it very hard to believe that she's found so many people who fit EXACTLY into her nine types of people, especially considering I could only think of a handful of acquaintances who didn't fall into the square-peg-round-hole category.

The entire book is written in an utterly pessimistic, rote, and, to be blunt, boring light; the nine types of lovers are not one of them people I would like to spend any kind of time with. I've been in several good, steady relationships and have never experienced anything like what apparently the rest of the world is going through. Each section is written in exactly the same formulaic way. It got to the point where I could predict what Kingma was going to say next, from the very point at which she'd drop a story about someone she knew, to the moment she'd say "It's probably because your Mommy didn't have very good self-esteem."

Finally, in the only part of the book in which she actually gives advice about ACTUAL RELATIONSHIPS, the section reads much like a bad horoscope column. "Controllers like People Pleasers; an Attention Seeker will NEVER be with a Workaholic."

In attempting to write a self-help book, Kingma has completely overlooked several facts:

1. Many parents are amazing people and never abandoned or emotionally hurt their children.
2. People do not fall neatly into categories.
3. Personality is not a flaw that you must fix in yourself.

I do not recommend this book to anyone, least of all someone who is having problems understanding WHY they have problems in relationships. The entire book is depressing and incredibly narrow-minded. Please, if you absolutely cannot live without reading it, check it out from the library. Don't spend your money on this abomination of a "help" book. I beg of you.